Mother Forgets

I can't sleep.

I walked into Coco's room. Saw her Nokia handphone on her table. I picked it up and pressed on 'Sent Items'.

A message sent to one of her best friends read 'Can chat? Thinking of commit suicide'.

The friend didn't reply. The call history didn't show a chat either.

It was Sunday. The day I screamed at her and rained a cane on her.

She spent an hour on a Chinese composition and didn't finish it. She was doing another Chinese assignment.

I jumped and screamed at her like a mad woman, and beat her all over.

She finished it after another thirty minutes, but she took another 2 hours to edit and copy it out. Close to 4 hours spent on a Chinese compo.

I told her she would not have been able to finish writing a compo under exam condition.

I have been harsh on her.

The part-time job wears me out. And having two jobs that keep me teaching makes teaching or coaching my own kid the last thing I want to do when I reach home.

And I don't have time with her. The fact that she wastes time on Saturdays irks me immensely. I get very irritable at the slightest mistake she makes.

I have two more weeks to go before I am free from the part-time job. I worry that the damages done within the weeks I was away from Coco are irrepairable.

The part-time job was meant to be a gateway for me to make an exit from my full-time.

But before I could hold out till I quit my full-time, its cons have outweighed every little benefit it could possibly give me.

I'm so sorry, Coco.

You're the best gift ever in my life, but I have not given you the best.