Let’s Talk About Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

For a long time, 16 years to be exact, I was living in a state of confusion.

I didn't know that there is such a thing as NPD.

I didn't understand why William would become a perfect stranger the second day of our marriage.

I made a lot of excuses for him:

It's the first time he got married (It was also my first time experiencing a married life too).

He had never been a father (He had spent two years getting along with Coco).

He was stressed (by being … married?).

William was wonderful, considerate, thoughtful and sensitive before marriage. He spent almost every day with me, talking a lot with me, trying to get to know my every thought, my life stories.

I thought he was my soulmate.

He would say that he knew me better than I knew myself. And I agreed.

There were a few times I felt something was not right.

He would sit in the middle of a foodcourt in Scotts Shopping Mall when he got angry.

Everybody stared at him and he would not care.

He would carry Coco away when we had an argument and scared her.

He would tell me that a man sitting beside me was looking at my exposed bosom when I was playing with Coco - after everything was over.

Every time, I felt something was off and wanted to break off with him.

He would appear below my flat at 6am and waited for me to beg me not to end our relationship.

He would shout my name out from the opposite block at 12am when he could see me through the windows.

He would beg me and give reasons for his unusual behaviour. 

He would say that it was because he really loved me and didn't want to lose me. It was because we were not married and didn't have our own space.

He said all these would not have happened if we were married.

Thinking back, I got to a point where I felt that I was so torn within that I knew I would get back with him in the end anyway.

But after the wedding, he seemed a different person from before marriage.

He was cold and didn't speak a word for the whole of next day after the wedding.

I thought he was tired.

Then within a week, we were fighting every day, shouting and screaming every day.

I hid in the room with Coco, with him banging the door and shouting for us to get out of the room.

I didn't know how to divorce him within a week.

We had a church wedding.

He was a wonderful man despite all the weird behaviour. 

He wanted to marry me. He must love me.

I was very very confused. I was in constant state of confusion for a long time.

He gaslit me, cast doubts on the things I remembered, belittled me and everything associated with me. He justified all his wrongdoings and put the blame on me for him acting ‘out of sorts’. It was my fault all the time. 

I had thoughts of divorce every day.

But he hadn't hit me. We just got married. It was my second marriage. How would others perceive me? 

It got to a point where I felt that life was hopeless. I told myself I had to change my values to align with his, even if they were not right, in order to spend the rest of my life with him.

It was after I filed for a divorce that I learnt about NPD.

Then everything became clear as day.

An NPD lies about everything, even trivial things that don't seem to matter.

An NPD gaslights people who trust him wholeheartedly.

An NPD emotionally abuses people who trust him.

An NPD is superb at putting up an act.

An NPD is the devil himself in human disguise. He steals, kills and destroys relationships and lives.

An NPD needs to spoil people's day in order to feel important. He told my mother he was broke and asked my mother for money on the first day of CNY. My mother was in shock. She asked me if he’s mentally unsound.

An NPD could not laugh to his heart's content. I had never once seen him laughing uncontrollably. His laughter, if ever, was always controlled.

An NPD alienates people they want to control from their loved ones. That’s why William always  alienates people he wants to control. It was me. Now it’s Baby.

An NPD sees money as the most important thing. He stole Baby’s baby shower gift, a gold bangle from my elder sister, Coco’s gold ring, my wedding jewellery, and stole the girls’ ang pow money and my money habitually. Of course. He blamed me for his stealing acts.

It got to a point where I was brainwashed into believing that it’s normal that - and I should expect, money and valuables should disappear from where they were kept. 

An NPD does not and cannot love their own children. 

An NPD only thinks about relationships and people in terms of how useful they are.

An NPD exaggerates and lies about who they know.

An NPD appears normal and looks like a good man to people who do not know him. That’s why people around me question if I had been perfectionistic and difficult, which William would always reinforce and reiterate.

I realised that very few people know what NPD is.

When I talk about it, they are always in disbelief that such people exist. When I give them examples of what William would do, they told me how they would react - in the same way as I did, simply because that’s how normal human beings are. 

But NPDs are of the devil. They attack normal human qualities. They exploit kindness, honesty, understanding, compassion and everything that’s beautiful. 

Because the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.

Google ‘NPD traits’ and you will find more about what they are like and do. 

Not everyone who has some NPD traits is an NPD. My elder sister has a lot of NPD traits but I know that she is able to develop love for a few people so she’s not a full-fledged NPD.

But William is a full-fledged NPD because every single trait fits him to a tee. 

I hope more people are aware of NPD and can recognise NPDs if they are in close contact with one. You need to flee from them. 

My Divorce Story

 It has been 4 years since I signed the divorce papers.

If you have never been divorced, you would believe what 100% of the undivorced believe - that women get 50% of men's money.

If you are a woman, you would get a shock of your life if you ever enquire about divorce.

Women's Charter? I assure you. None of the lawyers, ZERO, ZILCH - would mention it.

Because it has nothing to do with divorce or women's rights.

Oh, it states that men are equally entitled to what women do - that if they are handicapped or disabled, they are entitled to alimony from their ex-wife.

4 years ago when I started my journey of divorce, a lawyer told me that alimony for women had been abolished about 4 years before. That makes it about 8 years now.

The rationale for abolishing alimony was so that there would be a clean break, which is a joke.

Before I could apply for a divorce, I was directed to attend a class which I can't recall the name of now. Oh, that was a class mandatory for women under the Women's Charter. Yup, that was the only time Women's Charter came up throughout the whole divorce.

It was conducted at a family service centre in Ang Mo Kio. A few other women were at the talk. We were shown Powerpoint slides about the consideration we had to take into if we wanted a divorce, especially about the financial aspect. I felt strongly that it was a propaganda aiming at discouraging or scaring women from getting a divorce.

I still remember speaking to a staff about my uncertainty about whether I really should divorce. She said something that bothered me for a long time.

I told her that my husband spoke ill about me to my kids.

She asked me to think about whether that was what my kids saw, if it was true.

I was quite disturbed. It deepened my self-doubt and self-blame.

But I knew I wanted a divorce anyway.

William had agreed to a divorce. Of course. All these years, he vehemently disagreed whenever I brought the subject up. He would cry, threaten to kill himself, beg me to stay for the sake of our young child.

Towards the end of our marriage, he finally agreed. He deceived me into thinking that it could be an amicable divorce though.

Before I went to look for a lawyer, he cried and said he would always be good to me. He would offer his help even if we were divorced. He would tell his next girlfriend that his ex-wife would always be his priority in his life.

Sounds great, right?

HA. HA. HA.

The divorce only showed how much of a liar he was, how devoid of integrity, how despicable, how greedy he was.

If you want to know the real character of a man, it's at the time of divorce.

I listed Unreasonable Behaviour as the ground for the divorce.

Of course. I had pages of his unreasonable behaviours.

His lawyer cancelled almost everything and left some not-so-ugly behaviour behind as the supporting reason and said that they would agree to the divorce for that reason.

My lawyer said usually people don't care about the reason as long as they get the divorce. So I agreed to it.

I managed to read a document on which he had drafted his ground for wanting to divorce me. He was trying to beat me to applying for a divorce in order to be the Plaintiff.

He accused me of telling my kids that it was perfectly normal to have affairs in a marriage, which of course was not true.

I still remember what I told them: If a marriage does not make you happy, you have the right to pursue your own happiness. You don't have to be trapped by the marriage.

You see how he twisted that to make me look like a horrible mother?

It took us 4 mediation sessions before all the terms were negotiated.

Throughout the mediation, it was clear he wanted my money.

I was the one who paid for the housing instalments for the past 10 years, all the renovations and the furniture. Yet he kept insisting that he had immense indirect contribution to the house so he deserved 40% of the house.

He insisted that he had been caring for Baby in real time - when Baby was already 13 years old.

In the end, we agreed to have shared care and control of Baby, each spending half of the week with her with public holidays spent alternately with her. 

4 years have passed but Baby has not come and lived with me a single day.

He went to adopt many pets from other pet owners who didn't want their pets anymore and told Baby that she had to take care of them. Naturally, she told me she could not leave them. Otherwise, 'they would die!'

Then, she had to attend church on Saturdays for the whole day so she wouldn't be able to stay with me.

She was also forever busy with her schoolwork so despite the fact that my place was nearer to her school, she couldn't afford to come live with me.

Back in early January, I told Baby that this year was her turn to return to Malaysia with me for Chinese New Year. However, her passport had expired so she needed to get it renewed.

She spent an hour taking a picture for her passport photo.

A few days ago, she suddenly 'remembered' that she had to study over CNY and would not be able to go with me anymore.

We all know who 'reminded' her, don't we?

Suddenly, Baby told me she knew I am supposed to pay child support as I am also a parent.

I asked her,"Is that in the Court Order?" She kept quiet.

The Court Document clearly states that whoever lives with her pays for her living expenses. William wants me to pay when he defies the Court Order and prevents her from living with me.

I wished Baby would know that every word that spews out of his mouth is a lie.

All this while, I didn't enforce the Court Order on the living arrangement as I thought that perhaps she should learn to be a selfish person like William.

She should learn to be despicable and cunning like William.

So that she would not get bullied - like her mother.

My only worry is that it would be a road of no return. She would become what he is. An NPD.

My Cash Advance Mistake with Standard Chartered

I did something stupid in December last year.

When I returned from Finland, I knew I had chalked up a credit card bill.

I had been cancelling credit cards one by one as I really seldom use them and I don't want to be charged (and paying) annual fees without knowing it.

Before I went overseas, I found a Standard Chartered credit card sitting in my drawer.

I had signed up for it as the salesguy told me that it would give me 1.5% cashback on whatever I spent on, subject to a limit of a certain amount of cashback per month. Two years' worth of annual fees would be waived. Even if I was charged later on, I could always call up to get them waived.

I was not an active user of it so I decided to try it out overseas.

I used it to buy a few LV bags so I knew I had chalked up close to $10k on it.

When I returned to Singapore, I checked my credit card bill the next day and the date stated on the screen was that very day. I knew usually that wasn't possible but I didn't want to delay my payment so I pressed a few buttons and tried paying for it.

I was used to seeing the online bank having our savings account as the default 'Pay from' account so I did not think much of it when it had an additional page popping up, asking me to confirm or acknowledge. I just tapped 'yes' and the payment went through.

Then I saw that the sum of money in my savings account was not paid out. Instead another $9K+ came in!

I panicked. I had done a cash advance on my credit card instead!

I asked for help on the app immediately asking if I could reverse the transaction. The reply was that it could not be reversed before the transaction went through.

I waited till the next day when it went through before I reversed the payment. However, I also realised that I was charged $780 fee for the cash advance!

I made two calls to the CSOs who 'assured' me that the fee could not be cancelled but they would help to appeal for the waiver anyway.

True enough. I received two smses stating that the appeals were not successful.

Like many times I had been cheated of my money, I was close to giving up. But I had such confidence in the Singapore banks system that I decided to seek out all possible avenues before giving up.

I looked up similar cases like mine and found someone on Reddit who did the same thing and felt the same way as I did, that it was a trap waiting for us to walk in. The user said that he didn't manage to get a waiver but the amount was small ie. $100+ so it was not that big a deal.

I was so desperate I wrote in to the bank via the bank app. A day later, I wrote in to FIDReC, MAS and the Minister of Finance who is also our Prime Minister to complain about the misleading bank app interface which led to my mistake. I also raised doubts about integrity of the system and appealed for the money to be returned to me.

Then I received a call from the Complaint Unit of the bank who largely assured me that I should get a waiver as it was a mistake and I had only one waiver done a year ago (which I don't remember at all).

Subsequently, I received an sms which was backdated to the time two hours before the guy called me to say that my appeal was unsuccessful again!

Then someone pmed me on a social media platform that as a bank manager, he had helped a few clients waived such fees before and advised me to go down to a branch personally to speak to a branch manager.

I rushed down to the nearest branch to me which was at NEX. The service manager at the reception counter checked for me and found that my appeal was still in progress. She said that she was unable to raise another appeal until this had gone through but promised to send an email to check on the status.

That afternoon, I received an email stating that my appeal was successful. 

All these ding-dongs happened within a week. Imagine the turmoil I went through over this sum of money.

When the refund was completed, I immediately called in to cancel all my SC accounts. I had posted my experience on a social media platform and it received 70k views within one or two days (I just checked and it's 140k views now). Many people commented and shared their awful experiences with SC. It was getting discouraging as almost everybody said that they didn't get a waiver for whatever fee they had with SC. 

I don't want to take any chance with SC again.

A Cousin's Death

A cousin of mine who was a little older than me passed away today.

It came sudden.

His elder sister had sent him to the hospital yesterday. She thought that it was not serious and had left him in the hospital alone.

The doctor called to inform her that he was too weak to have a CT scan done and they suspected that he had stage-four large intestine cancer as his stomach was bloated.

Today, the doctor called to inform her that he had passed away.

In other words, nobody, including himself, knew he had cancer.

I googled and found that at stage four, a patient's stool would have blood in it and he would lose a lot of weight.

It's sad that he missed all the clues. 

A good friend only discovered she had stage-4B cancer when she found herself bleeding excessively.

Her doctor's prognosis was that she had six months to live but with chemotherapy, she lived on for another 2.5 years.

After my good friend passed away, I often wonder if cancer is lurking in my body. 

(Yes, I know an annual body check-up would be useful in helping to confirm or dispel that thought.)

Einstein rejected an operation to prolong his life as he believed that's Nature's way of calling him home.

I hope I have the courage to say the same thing if it happens to me.

But more often, I wonder why the person who passes isn't me and I wonder when my time will come.

I was sharing with a friend that I feel that I have lived a few lifetimes, more than an average person. I think I am quite done with life. She was stunned for two seconds before laughing out loud. She said, "Indeed. You have gone through many milestones that I have not (and never will)."

I am not sure if it's just me, but after a certain age, I feel that life is not that worth living anymore. I do not know what's there to look forward to - everybody's death? 

Amy Cheung wrote in her book that life is a never-ending journey of saying goodbyes.

People around me start to die in their 40s. It's hard not to wonder when my turn will be.

It also gives me a sense of urgency. My family members and relatives are passing away without knowing God. What frustrates me is that I don't get to see them easily as they live in Malaysia. I can only wait for Chinese New Year to visit them for those brief fleeting minutes. On top of these hurdles, I also need a lot of courage to talk to them about the gospel since we are not close by any measure. The irony is that I am not much of a Christian. I hardly attend church even. I have brought my mother to a traditional presbyterian church but honestly, it bores me to tears. I honestly miss the funky atmosphere and catchy songs of the charismatic churches. I just can't grasp the hymns. Worse, they are in Chinese.

I love Chinese as a language. I even blog in Chinese and prefer Chinese pop songs and ballads, but hymns are really a different story altogether. I was suddenly in the shoes of people whose Chinese is no good. I have to process the word by thinking how to read it and then sing it, a lot quicker than those inept in Chinese no doubt, but I knew it's not me. Chinese should come natural to me, but not in church. I know it's strange but it's what it is.

With all these factors in place, I find myself not enjoying church. I am not sure if I will ever find a church that I can stay at. But I know I have a mission: to share about Christ with my family and relatives.

This year, two cousins and an uncle passed away. Whether they know God, I do not know. I hope to make it certain that they do.

God, help me to share You with my loved ones.

What Kept Me Warm in Norway, Sweden and Finland

Before we set off for the trip, our tour manager texted us that we ought to be prepared for -20 degree celsius but the temperature in Norway and Finland was mainly above zero degree celsius. Only the first day in Santa Claus Village in Rovaniemi did the temperature plunge to -11 degree celsius, but even then, the cold was manageable. I was wearing a pair of thick stockings and a pair of furry leg coverings not even meant to insulate.

Some things I think are useful:

1) Thermal wear from the Ultra Warm series of Universal Traveller (RM338) and Uniqlo (S$39.90)

Uniqlo thermal wear received lacklustre reviews on different platforms. My third sister who had been to Antartica said that she shivered in Uniqlo's thermal wear, although it was not known which series she wore.

She insisted that we should get at least a set of Universal Traveller's thermal wear and drove us to JB Premium Outlet to get them.

It cost RM338 per set which included a top and a pair of pants.

My third sister advised us to get the size that fit quite snugly or body-hugging so that heat can be trapped.

Uniqlo's thermal top and bottom are sold separately. Can't remember the cost of the top but the pants cost S$39.90 or RM129.90. Prices should not differ too much from each other.

At first, I only wore the Universal Traveller's set as it was verified by my sister as being 'good'. It was also thinner and softer than Uniqlo's.

When I put on Uniqlo's set, I realised its ability to keep me warm wasn't inferior to Universal Traveller's. 

2) Thermal singlet (桑蚕丝保暖背心）- 52RMB or S$9.50 for 2

I found most of my winter wear on Tao Bao. This kept me warm and it came with bra cups, which means I didn't have to wear a bra separately.

It has a very fine layer of material on the inner side so it feels fitting and comfortable. It was advertised as mulberry silk singlet which is meant to trap heat.

3) White furry earmuffs (毛绒耳罩) - 28RMB or S$5.71

I probably bought close to a dozen earmuffs but I used this most of the time as it can be easily matched with hats of any colour. It can also be worn on its own, hatless.

I find that those with furry headbands cling to the head or the hat better than those that are not furry. Without the fur which create friction, the earmuffs could slip off the head or hat.

The furry earmuffs also look better in pictures.

4) Thick leggings (光腿神器 ) -74.9RMB or S$13.75

 

I NEEDED to wear a skirt. It was driving me crazy wearing pants EVERY DAY. It wasn't exactly comfortable as I bought the stockings which covered the toes. It was pulling in and squeezing my toes while I wore it. It also scratched quite easily. I made two holes when I was putting it on. Nevertheless, this helped to protect my legs from the cold at -11 degree celsius, at Santa Claus Village, but not without another pair of leg protectors which brings me to ...

5) Leg warmers (长毛腿套）- 22.9RMB or S$5.14

It offered a second layer of protection on top of my thick leggings although it felt thin.

A tour groupmate came up to me to compliment that they looked pretty.

6) Snow boots 雪地靴 

199RMB or S$37

198RMB or S$38.78

We were advised to shop at Timberland for S$200 boots but they were too stiff and uncomfortable for us. 

I decided to take a chance on Tao Bao and I bought two pairs for each of us just in case one of them didn't work.

My elder sister didn't believe Tao Bao cheapo stuff would be any good so she bought another pair of high-cut boots for my mother at Decathlon.

It turned out that my mother's boots were slippery on ice and snow while mine gripped well. I didn't even need the crampons most of the time but my mother had to put them on whenever she was out of the hotels.

These boots were comfortable and kept my feet warm. And they were so cheap!

I ended up preferring the white ones as they were lighter, more fitting and more comfortable to wear.

7) Crampons or spikes (冰爪）- 12.8RMB or S$2.38

These worked very well. My only gripe was they were very tight and hard to put on. I guess it's not a problem if you are a guy but I had a hard time pulling them each time I put them on. My index finger's nail came off when I was exerting my strength pulling it and it chipped at the part where my skin was attached. It bled quite a bit. I gave up wearing them after that due to my injury. 

Fortunately, my boots had enough traction to grip the surface of icy grounds.

I bought a tonne of clothes, hats, scarves and gloves on Tao Bao, simply because they were so cheap. I must have ended up spending more than I had budgeted for.

I was quite skeptical like most people though. I was worried that the outfits I bought would not keep me warm since they were so cheap. It turned out that Tao Bao was cheap and good.

On hindsight, I should have got my down jackets on Tao Bao too. I bought two down jackets - one from Winter Time (S$350) and the other from Universal Traveller (S$269) for each of us. They already cost me more than $1000. My elder sister went out and bought my mother another parka jacket for another S$300+. My mother ended up wearing it most of the time *roll eyes*

Day 12 (7 Dec) in Finland: Shopping at LV

They say that Finland's LV is cheap. I did some research and found that it was true.

I didn't intend to visit the boutique and didn't know what I could buy there. My youngest sister suggested buying a Neverfull since my first and only Neverfull Damier has become dysfunctional due to a snapped strap.

I decided to buy the Monogram version but couldn't decide on whether I should get the beige or red interior. 

The saleslady told me that the Neverfull Monogram's original came with the red interior so 'you're getting a piece of its history if you get the red one'.

As for the Damier version, it was first launched with the pink interior but seeing that the Monogram's red interior was very well-received, LV started making Damier Neverfull with red interior.

I was very intrigued by the mention of the pink interior so I requested to take a look at it. I fell in love with it straight away and decided to buy it as well.

My mother said,"Very nice." the moment I carried the Carryall and Nano Speedy. It was hard to resist.

After 1hour and 20 minutes, I walked out of the boutique with 4 bags and a coin purse. It was drizzling. They took the initiative to put plastic coverings over the paper bags.

You can only buy 3 bags and 2 other products or accessories with one credit card and a passport with the same name as what's on the card.  Fortunately, my third sister applied for a credit card for my mother so I was able to buy all.

Day 11 (6 Dec): Cruise to Tallinn, Eating Bear Stew and Tallinn's Christmas Market

Going to Tallinn, Estonia, was an optional tour. At the tour briefing in October, we were informed that usually everybody would opt for it.

It was the second last day of our tour.

It was a 2.5 hour cruise trip.

We were told that ang mohs are very kiasu and would queue up way before the gantry opening time.

On the cruise

We were asked to  book a table/seat and place our jackets on the seats before going off to tour around the vessel.

=

Moomin is a Finnish brand and product. The mascot is a hippo.

We went to the windy sundeck to get some pictures taken

Our guided tour by a local guide.

I asked our tour manager what this structure was but she didn't seem to know either.

Everybody was intrigued by that castle

An orthodox church

The guide launched into a lengthy talk about the orthodox church's history. It was interesting but much was forgotten.

A bird's eye view from the top of the town

The tour manager said this wall was vandalised due to some hatred and was worth taking. Not sure why but we were in a rush, so just take.

The streets of Tallinn

We were left at the Christmas Market at the Town Square and given three hours to shop around on our own before our meet-up with the tour manager down some unfamiliar street.

It was a rainy day. It was a good thing the tour manager forecasted the weather and asked us to bring an umbrella along. I borrowed an umbrella from the hotel reception before I boarded the coach.

It was cold. The Christmas Market had many stalls selling glogi of different kinds but we didn't want to drink that. I found a coffee stall that sold a cup of coffee at 5 euro. I immediately bought one cup. The guy hesitated before asking me,"Do you know about the cup system?"

I replied," No."

He explained to me that I would pay 2 euro for a cup and if I returned the cup at a green stall, I would get the 2 euro back. 

I found the green stall with a bit of effort by asking around.

Since it was rainy, I didn't want my mother to walk in the rain the whole day. I decided to find a cosy cafe to hide out.

I chanced upon this shop near the Christmas Market. I browsed the menu and found 'bear stew'.

I was disappointed by Nili's bear soup but wanted to give bear meat another shot.

The pretty waitress gave us a table for two and I placed an order for the stew.

Surprisingly, it was much better than the famous Nili Restaurant's fanfare.

Meat was more tender and stew was more flavourful.

We left two satisfied customers.

Then we went into a souvenir shop to check out the local handicrafts before leaving to meet the tour manager to leave Tallinn.

Port of Tallinn

Time in Tallinn was too short but it was enlightening to know about the small country of Estonia.