A Tribute to Thomson Medical Centre

For all the good experience and gratitudes, I just want to record down my thanks to Thomson Medical Centre when I had my baby in 2008.

I had thought that private hospitals are too expensive, as have many others. When you do your sums, you realise it's actually quite affordable, especially when you get the free upgrade from 4- to 2-bedder. I heard that they only have one ward that is a 4-bedder, so it's almost always that you would get a 2-bedder.

William paid about $1k in cash for the baby and me after the Medisave deduction. A friend told me that she paid about $200 in cash for a natural birth!

The ward. I stayed in the bed nearer to the window.

My tummy just before the Caesarean

How the bed looked like just before we left. The food at the hospital was yummy. With boiled soup to help nursing mothers boost their milk supply!

Baby when she was just out. Wailing ...

and wailing ...
William waiting for Baby outside the nursery

A poster about the Thomson Angels - the TMC nurses

I'm one difficult customer. Seldom pleased with service. But this hospital has my vote for service anytime. The nurses would talk to you to make you feel not so jittery before the surgery, or when they are changing for you, basically trying to distract you from feeling uncomfortable. The procedures ie. removing of tubes (catheter and drips)was almost painless because they would prepare you by asking you to breathe in first (when removing the catheter), or spray a cold spray on the back of your hand (when removing the drips). Very unlike KK at which the nurses just came by and plucked out everything from you, without pre-empting you, like you are not a human being.

TMC is the best maternity hospital possible. Really. I never knew childbirth didn't have to be painful until I went there. They made everything seem and sound so natural, unlike their almost inhumane counterpart, which made childbirth a trip to hell. It was there and then that I realised why most women dare to give birth the second, third and even fourth time.

No doubt about it, TMC is the best!

End of Confinement

Today marks the 40th day of my confinement.

I had chicken rice (without chilli) for lunch - the first non-confinement food after my confinement.

I haven't got the time to upload the photos of the baby. I felt weak and tired for most of the forty days, and I had this bone-gnawing backache when I stand or sit for just a mere 10 mins. I was afraid that it might last for the rest of my life, but I listened to my mother's advice and tried to rest whenever I can and it feels better now. It has to go away. If not I don't know how I'm going to survive with the backache. I used to think that it's just figurative when people use the four-character phrase 'yao suan bei tong'. But when I bent over to wash my hair on my 30th day of confinement, my waist was so sore I almost fell over. I groped desperately for the tap in order to get my balance. And when I sat for a few hours watching TV, I found myself with a literal aching back. It's literally painful on the upper part of my back.

It's scary. I didn't have such experiences when I had Coco. I didn't know what backache actually means. Now I can totally appreciate the gravity and totality of the phrase.

TMC - the greatest hospital on Earth

I've been back from the hospital for almost two weeks now.

It's been a pleasant and wonderful experience staying at Thomson Medical Centre. I was treated humanely there. The nurses were careful not to inflict any pain on you. If there's supposed to be the tiniest bit of pain, they made it pain-free ie. like the removal of the drip from the hand. They warned you of any possible pain ie. the removal of the catheter - the nurse asked me to take a deep breath before pulling it out. It's totally unlike KK where they just come over to you and say,"I'm going to remove the drip and tubes from you." and pull out everything without a word like you're immune to pain.

Sure I've been through a huge amount of pain without screaming like a pig led to the slaughter, but it doesn't mean I'm devoid of physical feeling.

The only bad thing that comes out of this C-section with epidural experience is that I suffer the full effects of epidural. I got the tremors, the urge to vomit, and now the backache. I'm really worried that the backache is here to stay. I've been trying to rest for as much as I can in order to get healed from the backache.

I'm disappointed that William is not about to change, not even for the sake of the baby. He's still up at 1am to check out his soccer betting and lottery websites. I don't want the children to have a gambler for a father. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a gambler. Much as I've been warned, and much as I've been restraining myself, tears still wet my eyes whenever I think about where this marriage is going. I can't allow myself to rot with a gambler for the sake of a baby. Perhaps a baby is precisely God's sign for me to leave the marriage. As I recall, I only had the courage to get out of my previous empty marriage after I had Coco because I woke up to my senses that I could not allow Coco to see that boy as a role model for a father or a husband.

Perhaps it's God's will that I stayed at a two-bedder at TMC, that I got a neighbour who was so outspoken. We spoke alot despite our brief meeting in that 1 or 2 days' stay together. It made me realise that I've been living in a small world of my own, that I've been focusing on the wrong things to be in this rotting marriage.

She told me about her younger sister who divorced her husband and left her 3-month-old baby after a 3-year marriage for a gambler of a boyfriend. It sort of 'inspired' me. The younger sister had been having marital problems over allowance and her mother-in-law. The marriage ended after the younger sister consented to an immediate divorce on the ground of 'adultery'. After some time, she left this gambler of a boyfriend after she found a much richer boyfriend who loved her so much that he transferred $50, 000 to her bank account. I can't even get a $50 note from William without him asking why I need it. You know what they say about the willingness to part with money as a measure of your love for that somebody? They're right. And Fann Wong once said that a man who is stingy with money is also stingy with love. And she's so darn right. Who says that she's an airhead? She's probably one of the smartest women in Singapore.

To a large extent, I admire this woman for her guts to leave her own flesh and blood in the name of love (and lust I suspect), and her pursuit for happiness as she herself defines.

It makes me realise that I've been focusing too much on what this society wants, and how it looks at me. There're so many people out there who don't bother about how others look at them as long as they are happy. Perhaps I've been too brainwashed by a church I went to since my early teens - 'Others may but I cannot'.

I've asked Pastor Jimmy if it's biblical for me to divorce William since he has not committed adultery or blatantly abandoned us. He said that although William has been 'faithful' in the physical sense, he has not been faithful to his vows he made at the altar ie. to protect and to cherish me.

For so long, I'd thought Pastor Jimmy would oppose to the idea of divorce for whatsoever reasons. For so long, I'd thought I have to endure whatever rubbish William heaps on me.

It's a great relief to know that I'm free to leave this marriage, as long as I want to.

For years, I've pictured myself living in a 3-room flat with Coco. Just me and her. It just might come true soon.

Baby at 37th week

William has been quite good to me recently. He tries to get things done when I ask him to, although not immediately.

So far, he's bought most of the things the baby and I need: bathtub, breastpump, steriliser, powder and powder container. He'd also asked if the baby need more clothes.

Most of the baby's clothes are given by my sister. She gave me some of her unused gift sets. Recently, she also went to Thailand and bought quite a few pieces of baby's clothes and receiving blankets and towels. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to wash up the towels and blankets because there isn't much space to store them in.

He's also trying not to argue with me or agitate me these few days. He washed the service balcony when I asked him to and emptied the dustbin once in 2 to 3 days when I pressed him- previously, he emptied it once a week. I hope these are changes that will last for some time.

For the sake of the baby and seeing his slight changes, I'm starting to pray that he'll have a sense of responsibility towards the baby and the family.

The baby was weighing at 2.5kg at 37th week on Monday. Dr Ang said that she's a 'footling breech', meaning she's a feet-first baby, and so it seems that the baby chooses to come out via c-section. He's booked a c-section slot next Wednesday, 15th October. But I'm hoping that there'll be some natural indication, like the show, or waterbag breaking, to indicate that the baby's ready for birth rather than artificially jump-starting her birth.

I wonder why this baby is taking so long to arrive. Coco came at 37th week. Girls usually come early and second births usually come earlier than the first. Sometimes I wonder if it's because the baby is able to sense my apprehension and reluctance to be a second-time mother, under all the unfavourable circumstances and conditions, that makes her reluctant to arrive. Her breech presentation also makes me wonder if she's trying to tell me that she'll be as good as her elder sister. I remember telling Coco when she was in my womb that I'll leave the way she wants to come to this earth to her - whether natural or caesarean, but secretly, I'd hoped it would be a caesarean since I'm such an easily freaked out person.

Perhaps for Coco, I was highly-strung and stressed due to the unknown. I didn't know anything about going into labour and was sure I was going to die during the delivery. Every day, I was in intense fear and I literally counted down to the days of her impending arrival. Every night, I couldn't sleep till past midnight and I would wake up at 2 or 3am to a male, deep voice telling me,"Your cervix is not going to open! Your cervix is not going to open!" The more I tried to shut the voice out by pressing pillows on my ears, the louder the voice loomed. When I woke up at 7 or 8am, I was usually alone in the house and I was always imagining the worst. And the moment I opened my eyes, I'd hoped that everything's a nightmare - that the pregnancy was never there. I was going through these motions until the waterbag broke and I shivered all the way to the hospital for a c-section.

Those were the most horrible months I'd ever led my whole life. I'm not so scared now in that I know what to expect, and am in full knowledge that the baby will not die so easily.

Instead, I feel very tired every day. I sleep at about 1am and wake up at 11.30am every day. I have to force myself to wake up even.

I've decided not to engage a photographer for maternity shots. I feel very tired all the time and don't feel like dressing up for a photography session, in front of strangers especially. I would also like to save that $200 in my bank account rather than splurge it on a photography session. We have a digicam anyway.

Stress

I continue to feel exhausted for my pregnancy. It's about 33rd week I believe.

Some people say it's due to stress which I've no reason not to believe. The baby's arriving in just a few weeks' time and nothing's substantial has been done for her. The baby's room is not up. The cot is not bought despite having talked about it since February. My mother, who will be doing confinement for me, hasn't got a bed to sleep on yet. I've asked William to set up a bed and get a mattress for her since ... I don't know ... maybe June? ... and you can trust that nothing will be done either. The baby's stuff has still alot in outstanding. No powder, only two pieces of tops, no diapers, and no nursing bras or tops or pyjamas for me. And all these are the essentials. Oh oh, and he hasn't got the money for my confinement food, or my mother's confinement rates. I've already informed him that he needs to give me $1000 per month from September onwards. I won't ever forgive him if I don't get enough nourishment or nutrition to nurse my health back in shape during confinement. As it is, throughout my pregnancy, his non-existent mother or father didn't even call up to enquire about how I am or the baby's state for fear that we may ask them to help out or ask the mother to cook some nourishing food for me. I'll never forget how horrible his parents are. This is why William hasn't learnt how to be a father, because his parents don't know how to be parents. To think that William is their only son. Come Chinese New Year next year, I'm not going to bring the baby back to their place for the reunion dinner if there ever is one - if I ever go back there for the Dinner again. I might very well give the reason that I'm still weak from childbirth and not in a state to walk about too much, which could be true since I'm so weak and constantly exhausted during my pregnancy. Oh, and William's bank debts. One of them is going to hit $10k in a few months' time and he's still saying it's nothing.

I've posted a thread asking for second-hand Pump-in-style breastpump, and no one has responded.

I don't know what's wrong with married men, or Singaporean Chinese men for that matter. They seem to be such babies after they get married. They just assume that a tooth fairy or some form of supernatural genie would get things done for them somehow, some time, at some place.

A mother from the forum said that the 'thump thump thump' feeling is actually the baby's hiccups. So now I know.

School's reopening. I don't mind the classroom teaching actually, but the thought of CCA really puts me off. I don't understand why CCAs can't start at 1.30pm at the teacher's convenience. I think it's really stupid that we have to suit the kids' convenience and agenda to start at 3.30 pm and end at 5 - 5.30pm. That's like 10 hours of being in school. It makes you feel so sian. Any thing that goes beyond 3.30pm just sucks the life out of you. And you're supposed to be excited and enthusiastic about it. Stupid! Anybody who started the whole idea of CCAs seriously ought to be shot! I don't mind if CCAs are conducted by external vendors or if the teachers don't have other admin work or rubbish to deal with. Teachers' work are just neverending. We pile on and on and on without removing the previous rubbish. It's really stupid! It's the most inefficient job on the face of this Earth.

We have workbooks, so why must we churn out worksheets after worksheets every year and chase after the syllabus like crazy? We don't even have time to complete the workbooks and the homework books or testbooks and we're coming up with more worksheets because the workbooks and homework books and testbooks are not good enough. Crazy! Then throw away the workbooks and homework books and testbooks if you think your 'tailored' worksheets are so much more superior!

For remedial lessons, why must we churn out yet another pile of worksheets to 'suit the students' abilities'? It's really ridiculous!

I know I ought to be grateful for a job, but I can't help but notice the inefficiencies and ineffectiveness of all these nonsensical workload. I don't believe in churning out more work for the teachers if it doesn't improve the students' well-being or academic ability. I believe in teaching. Really teaching. Dwelling on, playing with, drilling a concept until it's mastered. Not skip-and-hop and touch-and-go. Why should teachers rush to complete a syllabus? I think it's hilarious, ludicrous. Why didn't the scholars and researchers at the ministry factor in all the occasions and programmes and exams and tests that teachers need to prepare for, and thus not able to complete the syllabus in that 10 week per term? How can it be so ridiculous that the ministry doesn't know that school doesn't operate on a 10-week term? We always have to cram in 10 weeks of syllabus into a 5 to 6 weeks term, which is really stupid.

Forgive me for my non-linking thoughts. I'm just typing whatever that comes to mind.

Braxton Hicks

The baby is at 31st week now.

Even right now, I can feel the baby's thumping - it's like the heart or pulse thumping at the bottom of my tummy. I wonder what that is.

I've been feeling some form of tightness in the abdomen. William says that it's because the baby's head is pushing against my stomach, but recently, I was reading some stuff online and came across some article on abdominal tightness. It mentioned that abdominal tightness has something to do with Braxton Hicks, in preparing the womb for contraction. Some forummers on singaporemotherhood also say that it might lead to premature birth of the baby and the baby needing to be warded which will 'cost a bomb'.

Unfortunately, I will only visit the gynae again more than 2 weeks later. I'm not sure if I should run to him now and request for some medicine to 'relax the stomach', as quoted the mummies.

I still haven't really decided on a name for the baby. I'm also thinking about her surname. I have all the reasons to have her following my surname and only 1 reason for her to take up William's - he's the father. But other than that, what else will he do to father her, I really wonder.

I've given William sufficient time to prove that he really treats Coco as his own and that he could support her and he hasn't. I had the intention of changing Coco's surname to his if he'd proved himself to be a good husband and father, but he has let us down badly. I don't want to have two kids having different surnames. I find that really awkward. I don't know how to explain to others without them speculating the unnecessary. But if the baby adopts my surname, I just have to tell people that I'm letting my children taking after my surname for personal reasons. What personal reasons can there be for 2 kids to have different surnames?

I'm also worried at the prospect of a divorce. If it happens, then my kids having different surnames would really be quite traumatic for them and for me.

If William had been a good husband, I won't have to dwell on all these dilemmas and struggle to decide on something so fundamental of a person's identity.

I can only wish my daughters marry someone of respectable character and financially sound enough to support them. As for myself, my fate is just about sealed.

I can't believe it!

http://www.asiaone.com/News/AsiaOne+News/Singapore/Story/A1Story20080822-83616.html

O wow! It's confirmed! I got the 4th month maternity leave!!!!

Singaporemotherhood wan sui!!!

Enhanced Marriage and Parenthood Package

Whoa! Ever since the Prime Minister announced the Enhanced Marriage and Parenthood Package on the National Day Rally Speech, there's been a great hoo-ha especially in the singaporemotherhood forum.

I was sorely disappointed that the Package would only take effect on 1 Jan 2009 when he'd announced the news in August 2008. I was telling my sister that it's typical of my unluckiness - that I should fall short of good things by just a mere bit all the time.

But today when I logged into the singaporemotherhood Oct 2008 thread, the mummies said that there's been a change in the date of implementation of those measures, to 17 August 2008. I'm not too hopeful about the 4th month maternity leave yet though, although it's highly likely that it'll be included as well. I don't want to be thrusted into the pit of dismay once again.

Apparently, there's been some form of petitioning exercise by mothers-to-be, which was submitted to the PM via an MP during a Meet-the-People Session and the government obliged the request.

This thread http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/578191/1652981.html?1219363226 has some mothers firing at one another on the Package and it directs one to an online petition http://www.petitiononline.com/mums2008/petition.html, although this is not the one that made the government change their mind.

The main petition content is this:

To: Singapore Prime Minister
We, the mentioned Singapore Citizen, would like Prime Minister Lim Hsien Loong to consider extending the recently announced procreation benefits to parents to be for kids born from 1st August 2008 onwards instead of the announced 1st January 2009. This would also reduce the stress faced by parents that would have their kid due in December 2008 and January 2009.
Sincerely,

But I agree that the effective date is weird: 17 August. Why can't the govt just bring it up to 1 August? It's indeed unfair to babies born between 1 to 16 August. But like what one of the forummers said, for every policy, there has to be a cut-off date. I'm quite sure if the govt accedes to this petition (again), the mummies who had given birth before August will lament too. Personally, while I'm glad and relieved that it's been backdated to 17 August, I thought it even fairer to extend the benefits and package to all mummies who give birth in 2008 since the measures are announced this year. Mothers who had given birth last year can't possibly complain because the difference is by one whole year.

I'm most interested in the 4th month maternity leave because I'm possibly going to have a caesarean. Dr Ang seems to advocate c-section especially for mothers who have undergone a previous one. He says it's safer and can rule out the possibility of a womb rupture scenario. In any case, the baby's head seems to be in the same position as Coco's, at least up till now. Honestly, I myself am not motivated to do natural because I don't think I can bear with the pain. But the trauma of my last episode at KK still stings badly even though it's been more than 8 years ago. I still shudder when I think about it.

Anyway, if I get the 4th month maternity, I would be able to use this time to recuperate, and possibly breastfeed longer. I hope to breastfeed this time round, with the help of a Medela pump. I'm still sourcing for a second-hand one. $699 for a brand new one is far too pricey I thought.

Just came across this curt and cute article about a husband's woe and joy over the Package:
http://www.straitstimes.com/Singapore/Story/STIStory_270643.html

Oh, there is a thread which started the petition. The thread-starter consolidated the signatures and a few mothers went to see the MP with the signatures. The thread-starter even managed to retrieve the PM's email. Really must salute these mothers' determination and courage. Singaporeans are supposed to be resigned, meek and obedient. Or perhaps it's just the men. If not for the women, nothing would have been done.

Exhausted

It's my 29th week.

I've been feeling really exhausted. This morning, although I've woken up, I still went back to bed to laze in it with my eyes closed, and hardly had the energy to search for the aircon remote control.

I suspect that it's depression. I've been feeling stressed up over work, William's debts, and how I'm going to cope with 2 children and the cleaning-up of the house. The baby is arriving in about 2 months' time and we've got nothing for the baby, or me for that matter. I'm worried. William is not going to have the money to buy them all in a bulk when he doesn't even have abit to spare to buy just 1 item now. I was asking a colleague who just came back from her maternity leave on how she copes with 2 young children and she mentioned about support from her husband. Isn't that true? The only way a working mother can cope with work and children is a supportive husband. But I know mine isn't. And he's not capable of being supportive.

Whenever I worry about all these, the word 'adoption' comes to mind. The thought of having two children freaks me out. I never wanted to have another child for as long as I'm married to William because I know he won't help me out. I'm afraid that I'll go crazy. Of course, seeking solace from another man is an option, but the other man is not my legal husband and he can't help me out at home. I was hoping that as my pregnancy progresses, William will start to grow up and learn to be a better husband and father, but it isn't the case. I feel bullied throughout the pregnancy. Because I'm quite immobile now, comparatively, the house is left in a dusty and dirty condition and he refuses to do something about it. He wipes the floor about once in one or two months. The window grills have this thick layer of dust which I'd told him about months ago and nothing's been done about it. He dumps all the dirty clothes into the washing machine - I'd told him to wash Coco's clothes separately so that our germs and bacteria don't mix with hers but he'd never listen. And he has to wait for me to scream and nag at him for weeks before he gets on with the laundry. And after washing the clothes, he doesn't put them into the dryer until I tell him many times that if the clothes are left in the washing machine for too many days, they will develop a smell and he would have to rewash them. Even after he dumps them all into the dryer, because he's unfamiliar with the dryer, the clothes are almost never completely dry and to the horror of horrors, he considers 'damp' as being 'dry'. It's just like how I don't know how to explain to my low-ability kids why addition sign is '+' and not 'x', or how to further simplify 'Don't use pencil', I don't know how to explain to him that 'damp' is not equivalent to 'dry'.

It's been frustrating living with him. My divorce plan has to be shelved because my elder sister doesn't allow Coco and me to move back with my parents - she owns the house and so she calls the shots.

The moment I think about the extra expenditure the baby is going to bring along with her, I would tell myself,"How about giving her up for adoption?"

I feel torn apart. Exhausted. Traumatised.

Baby at different weeks

6th week 2 days - In this scan, Dr Ang was doing a scan to confirm the pregnancy. The black patch is the sac in which the baby is contained in. This sac will continue to be the baby's protection bag until she's born. 6th week 2 days - In this scan, Dr Ang showed us where the heart is. It's not obvious on the scan - where the diagonal dotted line is. But on the ultrasound scan machine, he showed us a blinking spot to indicate that the heart is beating.

6th week 4 days - I was spotting fresh blood. I ran back to him and he showed me that the baby's heart is still beating. He circled the heartbeat for me on the scan.

9th week

11th week

14th week

In my feeling of guilt towards this baby, I suddenly thought of putting up her ultrasound scans on my blog to prevent the scans' images from dissipating with time. I'm not sure if those papers are thermal heat papers, but just in case.

Coco only had 1 permanent ultrasound scan image because the ones she did at KK were unclear and were on thermal heat papers. They didn't last. In any case, I also couldn't make heads or tails of them.

I'm a very impatient person and find it very troublesome to find pictures to put them up on my blog. I find scanning pictures into the computer a pain actually. I hate even more about the fact that this scanner I'm using often doesn't scan well, or hangs - like now - for no reason. I don't know why there's an impulse to put up pictures today.

Baby at 26th week

Actually I've lost track of the exact week of the pregnancy due to my busy work schedule. I can only try to make a close guess at it.

She's weighing at 992 g. Dr Ang said that she's on the big side and advised me to cut down on the carbo intake. I was quite shocked because my tummy is still quite small compared to other pregnant women.

He said that she's in an 'oblique' position, in which her head is on my tummy's upper right side, the body in the centre of my tummy and her legs at my tummy's bottoom left. 'Slanted' I call it.

She's very active. I can feel her kicks on a daily basis, and sometimes, she kicks on my bladder I think, which makes me feel as if my urine could come out.

I feel very guilty towards this baby. Up till now, I haven't got a name for her. And my job entails screaming at the kids and getting upset and angry very often. I know it's not good for the baby, but who can help it?

This pregnancy is certainly quite different from my experience with Coco. I continue to feel very tired - but it could also be due to the demanding nature of my job. I often have shoulder aches, and recently, I got backaches. Just last night, William and I quarrelled over the need to massage my back. He was very impatient and rubbed very hard on my back and shoulders. I got angry with him and screamed at him, accusing him of trying to make me suffer a miscarriage.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that the house is in a mess. Mess everywhere. Dining table, coffee table, platform, bedroom, Coco's bedroom, kitchen sink, even the basin where we brush our teeth - there was a worm swimming in some remaining water.

I know that it's not easy on William these few months. It's especially challenging to wake up at 5am every day without fail to prepare Coco for school. I myself can't do it. I was already struggling when William and I alternated on the days we get up early to prep her.

I packed some parts of the house, especially things that belong to Coco, and abit of mine. William is right in that the things that make the house messy are actually ours, not his. Sometimes I wonder if I've been too hard on William. He's never done a day of housework in his life before marriage. He's been trying, although the standard is still very far from my expectations. Perhaps I should be more forgiving towards his ineptness at doing housework. Or maybe I'm just finding an outlet to vent my frustrations at his debts. The debts are still there. His grandfather didn't manage to clear them for him. I'm very stressed up over his debts and his gambling habits.

Sometimes I wonder if all's been worth it to marry him so early to let Coco enter his alma mater. But Coco's everything to me. I remember promising myself to give her the best the moment I set my eyes on her 8 years ago. I haven't let this down. What is more important than giving her the best school she can go? I have wasted my youth on a jerk. It is of secondary importance to me that I'm going to spend another 10 years with another jerk. I'm just worried about the financial load he might bring on me, and Coco.

Baby at 21st week

When I went for the detailed scan about 2 weeks ago, she weighed in at 392 g.

A very active fella. Facing up and down and swimming in the bag all the time.

I can't help but worry that she might turn down and demand a natural delivery. A 'natural' delivery doesn't sound or look natural to me at all. What with the injecting and cutting and stitching. Ouch!

But I really don't want to think too much about it now. I almost went crazy when I had Coco. And she came just like that, unexpectedly. I believe this baby will also come at a time least expected.

Baby at 15th week

The baby is 130 g and measures at 8.5 cm as of last night.

The gynae has sort of confirmed that it's a girl - as what I've expected. He said it's 'empty' between the legs. I'm glad that it's a girl. I want Coco to have company and support when I grow old. A friend who's an only child told me that being an only child leaves her feeling quite alone, especially emotionally and financially, when her parents are old and quite sickly.

William received a letter from one of the banks suing him for bankruptcy. He's still hoping that I would 'help' him.

The only way I can help him is to give away the baby, actually. I'm definitely not going to give him any more money. If marrying a man means to deplete yourself of financial resources, then I'd rather be by myself. I think any woman would agree with me on that.