Baby at 37th week

William has been quite good to me recently. He tries to get things done when I ask him to, although not immediately.

So far, he's bought most of the things the baby and I need: bathtub, breastpump, steriliser, powder and powder container. He'd also asked if the baby need more clothes.

Most of the baby's clothes are given by my sister. She gave me some of her unused gift sets. Recently, she also went to Thailand and bought quite a few pieces of baby's clothes and receiving blankets and towels. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to wash up the towels and blankets because there isn't much space to store them in.

He's also trying not to argue with me or agitate me these few days. He washed the service balcony when I asked him to and emptied the dustbin once in 2 to 3 days when I pressed him- previously, he emptied it once a week. I hope these are changes that will last for some time.

For the sake of the baby and seeing his slight changes, I'm starting to pray that he'll have a sense of responsibility towards the baby and the family.

The baby was weighing at 2.5kg at 37th week on Monday. Dr Ang said that she's a 'footling breech', meaning she's a feet-first baby, and so it seems that the baby chooses to come out via c-section. He's booked a c-section slot next Wednesday, 15th October. But I'm hoping that there'll be some natural indication, like the show, or waterbag breaking, to indicate that the baby's ready for birth rather than artificially jump-starting her birth.

I wonder why this baby is taking so long to arrive. Coco came at 37th week. Girls usually come early and second births usually come earlier than the first. Sometimes I wonder if it's because the baby is able to sense my apprehension and reluctance to be a second-time mother, under all the unfavourable circumstances and conditions, that makes her reluctant to arrive. Her breech presentation also makes me wonder if she's trying to tell me that she'll be as good as her elder sister. I remember telling Coco when she was in my womb that I'll leave the way she wants to come to this earth to her - whether natural or caesarean, but secretly, I'd hoped it would be a caesarean since I'm such an easily freaked out person.

Perhaps for Coco, I was highly-strung and stressed due to the unknown. I didn't know anything about going into labour and was sure I was going to die during the delivery. Every day, I was in intense fear and I literally counted down to the days of her impending arrival. Every night, I couldn't sleep till past midnight and I would wake up at 2 or 3am to a male, deep voice telling me,"Your cervix is not going to open! Your cervix is not going to open!" The more I tried to shut the voice out by pressing pillows on my ears, the louder the voice loomed. When I woke up at 7 or 8am, I was usually alone in the house and I was always imagining the worst. And the moment I opened my eyes, I'd hoped that everything's a nightmare - that the pregnancy was never there. I was going through these motions until the waterbag broke and I shivered all the way to the hospital for a c-section.

Those were the most horrible months I'd ever led my whole life. I'm not so scared now in that I know what to expect, and am in full knowledge that the baby will not die so easily.

Instead, I feel very tired every day. I sleep at about 1am and wake up at 11.30am every day. I have to force myself to wake up even.

I've decided not to engage a photographer for maternity shots. I feel very tired all the time and don't feel like dressing up for a photography session, in front of strangers especially. I would also like to save that $200 in my bank account rather than splurge it on a photography session. We have a digicam anyway.