How Emotional Abuse Looks Like

Today was our Singapore reunion dinner.

Since young, our reunion dinner was one with our Malaysian family and relatives. My father would drive us back on the day of reunion dinner itself. Our loved ones in Malaysia would wait for us, even as late as past 8pm one year, before they started the dinner. 

The Singapore one first started when my mother wanted a reunion dinner of our own, when we were unable to return to Malaysia for our usual reunion dinner.

Since then, we would have one of our own before going back to Malaysia. After my father passed, my siblings are not keen on having reunion dinner with our Malaysian family, I am not sure why. They would go back on the first day of Chinese New Year (CNY) for a visit and come out to Singapore again on the second day of CNY. As someone without a car of my own, I did not have a choice but to follow what they did. But deep within me, I felt uneasy about giving up the tradition that my father had set.

Last year, I told them that I would join my Malaysian family for the reunion dinner instead. My 4th sister drove out from Malaysia to pick me up so that I could have that pleasure.

This year, surprisingly, almost all of them would like to have the reunion dinner with our Malaysian family so we had the Singapore one early today.

I asked Baby to join us. I even told her the Court Order states that she lives with me from Thursday to Sunday so she gets to have dinner on Saturday with me.

As expected, she cooked up some lame excuses not to come.

She told her cousin that she was sure that we would be speaking badly about her father and she didn't want to hear it.

I took a video of us busy eating and told her nobody could bother speaking about her father.

Clearly, William has been speaking badly about me and my family. It's a reflection. The fact that Baby refuses to come live with me is a clear testimony of how much he has been speaking badly about me.

Baby doesn't know she's being manipulated. 

Baby doesn't know she's being emotionally abused.

She thinks she voluntarily distances herself from everybody else.

She said that she doesn't like to go out anyway. She's alienating herself, under the influence of the NPD.

This is how abuse looks like.

I have stepped away from it. So I can see it.

When you are abused, you don't know you are abused.

If someone hadn't pointed it out to me and told me that I was abused, I wouldn't have known either. And I am an adult with lots of life experiences.

We can recognise abuse when it's physical abuse.

But few can recognise emotional abuse. 

The damage done by emotional abuse is often far greater and farther reaching than physical abuse.

Each time I named my child, it was often a reflection of my state of mind, which was invariably linked to my marriage.

Coco's name means:

a beautiful smile

I was very uncertain, fearful and unhappy. I wished my child to always be happy and to face life's hardships with strength and a smile.

For Baby, I told her her name means:

宁为玉碎，不为瓦全

not to put up with misery and wrongful acts like how her mother did, but to be strong and principled.

It took me 16 years to walk out. It was arduous, very misunderstood, exhausting, but I did it anyway. 

I hope one day, the truth will set Baby free.

Revisiting Bukit Timah Hill

I have always wanted to go Bukit Timah Hill again.

I have been there once with Coco and her cousin and another time with my NIE coursemates for a learning journey.

I wanted Baby to experience what a hill was. I know Singapore’s hill is just a mound compared to other countries’ but I would like her to experience a humble hill and have a walk in a nature reserve.

So I asked her favourite cousin along, also my fifth sister’s son, but the third one.

We took a cab down as I didn’t want to tire them out before the climb. 

I was worried that it might be too hot for a climb at 3pm but the shady hill was a pleasant climb even at one of the hottest hours in the day.

They were sure that the Red and Blue routes were too easy for them so they voted for the Intermediate (Green) route unanimously.

The foot of the hill. We walked for a short distance before we spotted a stick marked by green paint, which indicated that we ought to turn to the Green route.

Our first fascination with the man-made steps at Bukit Timah Hill

After taking in all the trees and shrubs in their natural beauty, we were 'surprised' to see a 'man-made waterfall' in the woods

Baby was visibly relieved when she saw the first resting stop, a tiny hut with wooden seats

After quenching our thirst and resting our legs, we journeyed on

It was another some minutes of walk-and-climb until we reached the second hut which was 800m away from the peak

After emerging from the Green route, we came to a cross road where we had to decide if we wanted to climb a flight of stairs which was 150m away from the peak, or take the gentler slope which was 500m to the same destination.

Of course, our two brave souls chose the route few would venture

I was almost out of breath by the time I reached the top

I wondered aloud to the kids,"I distinctively remember there was a huge rock which people would take a picture with to tell people that they were at the peak."

The cruel nephew replied,"Er Yi (Second Aunt), that's 20 years ago."

I later found out from a friend that the Summit Rock is located at the end of the Blue route.

I was very excited to see the steep slope down the hill. I knew it would be the highlight for the kids. 

I read on the internet that the slope is inclined at 40 degrees but for some reason, our handphones just could not capture the steepness of the slope. 

They saw people walking backward so they wanted to try too. However, they gave up after a few steps.

"How can people walk backward without falling down?"

My nephew and I complained of painful toes as we strolled down. The inclined slope compelled our feet to hit against the front part of our shoes with each step. I made a mental note that I would bring a pair of sandals if I ever come here again.

We visited the Visitor Centre for the second time for new bottles of mineral water and a packet of potato chips before we ventured into the Hindhede Nature Park, which was a small park near the entrance of the Hill. I never knew that there was a quarry so I insisted on visiting it. 

We walked along the boardwalk and passed through a rugged play area that seemed more suitable for older children.

Then we came to the viewing point, a small area where a few visitors at a time would be standing to take in the tranquil and relatively unspoiled view. It's the kind of peace which viewers would quieten down as a sign of respect for the environment.

We left just as a few visitors came in to wait for the sunset at 7pm. We didn't think there was a need to do the same as the view we saw was beautiful enough for us.

Before we left, I decided that having a picture with the rock at the entrance is better than having no picture at all.

We walked out to the main road hoping to get a cab and we got to see some cute monkeys and a squirrel

Bukit Timah Hill is very manageable for a short walk. 30 minutes is all it takes for a leisurely walk to go up the summit. Not sure how viable it is for older people but I would probably choose the blue or red route if I come here with my elderly mother.

Nearest MRT station:
Beauty World MRT

Monopoly - Of Grace and Tenacity

Baby is a huge fan of Monopoly. She could play the board game every day for hours! 

Yesterday and today, she asked me to play with her. Since I have been relatively free, I have obliged her.

She's a completely different kind of player from me. I would get dispirited when I am on a losing streak and keep having to pay the bank and other players. I would also give up on the game altogether if I keep having to go to jail and not collecting $2000 when I pass 'Go'.

Baby is a super sporting player. She would not quit when she keeps losing money. Even when she doesn't have a dollar on her anymore, she would sell away her houses, mortgage lands, or even ask to defer payment to continue playing! And she would remain optimistic, highly spirited and cheerful as she continues to play! For a petty player like me, I can never grasp how she is able to do that. I would refuse to sell away a thing that I have. I would rather give up the game than lose anything in my possession. I have a lot to learn from her when it comes to playing games!

Her strategy is to buy up whichever land she comes to land on.

However, she builds very few houses as she has this superstitious belief that people stop landing on her lands when she builds houses there. One of the very few lands she built houses on had me landed on it. She was so thrilled she took a picture of it with the money I paid her for: $5500!

I landed on the same place 3 times!

Although the game ended with me as the winner - for once - since I built multiple hotels and houses, her graciousness at losing a game and never-say-die attitude are very admiring. 

May she apply the same grace and tenacity to her studies.

Coco's C and Baby's Perfect Omelette

Every time I have macaroni, I am reminded of Coco saying,"We ate C!" when I asked her what she had during meal time in her kindergarten.

Baby is also a great lover of macaroni. Seeing that I still had 1/3 of a packet of macaroni, I asked if she would like some for lunch. She gave a resounding 'Yes!' immediately. Using Swanson Pork Bone broth again, I whipped up a fuss-free dish with tiny broccoli florets, fishballs and chicken mid-joints. Baby had two helpings and so did I! We finished the 2 cups of macaroni in a jiffy!

This time, I decided to use a proportionate amount of the broth and water to cook the macaroni. I was surprised to find that perhaps it was better to leave the broth as it was. Adding salt and light soy sauce altered the taste and made it taste more sour.

The girls told me they were famished after my lesson at 7.15pm. I got Baby to cook a can of mushroom soup to placate their empty stomachs while I rushed out to buy the ingredients and returned to cook. I ended up spending some time frying 5 sunnyside-ups! 3 for Coco and 2 for me. We simply love eggs!

Baby was eager to fry her own egg and she was proud to see her omelette turn out to be 'like what you have at the restaurant'! She wanted to try her hand at a sunnyside-up but I told her she would have to fry her own since her sister and I wouldn't take pleasure in having a non-sunnyside-up. She changed her mind and said,"Next time then."

We had our dinner while having a good laugh over Baby's recount of the boys who professed their liking for her. When Baby mentioned that she had her first crush at P3 and her crush told her that he liked her, Coco and I were stumped for a while before Coco burst out laughing,"You were just babies! How can a baby have a crush on another baby?" 

Dinners ought to be that way. Filled with laughter, casual talks and connection. Not endless lectures, reproaches, reprimand and dressing-downs. 

My Old and Faithful Favourite Fusilli

Every time I miss the fusilli dish my bestie taught me, I would refer to my little attic. I am so glad I jotted the recipe down!

The carbo-rich dish was our lunch. Baby wanted colours for novelty but Coco was flabbergasted that the green fusilli looked mouldy! This dish works best when it has been some time the girls last had it. They loved the creaminess of it and how easy it was to have wholesome goodness in a bowl - chicken meat protein, broccoli fibre and Swiss button mushroom taste with fusilli carbo.

A few hours later, Baby was hungry again! I fried a few left-over mid-joints and her favourite vegetables for a quick and simple meal! 

The Fastest Way to Use up a Loaf of Bread

Recently, Baby has been a great fan of the coffeeshop kaya-butter loti. Although the counter lady told me that they have a cut-off time at 10.30am, I learnt that they could run out of bread before 10.30am and would have to turn away customers who try to buy bread from them. It so happened that it was such a day today. I decided to do French Toast for breakfast to make up for the disappointment.

This was the second plate I served. Baby finished all but 2 pieces of the first plate.

At lunch, I was so inspired by yesterday's success that I decided to change the broth to Pork Bone Broth and see if it tasted better. I actually much prefer this!

I was so excited with the 'discovery' of an ingenious creation that I took pictures of the food and what it took to cook it to show my family and friends!

Everybody's a Chef during Covid

Last year during the Circuit Breaker, I was in some sort of depression. I was gripped by fear that it would be indefinite. I was left with one student whose parent suggested having lessons on Zoom. The rest of the parents had a culture shock of the inordinate amount of screen time that their children were going to have in view of the schools' closure so they were reluctant to have additional lessons on Zoom. I felt extremely helpless seeing the drastic drop in my income. Like many, I developed a sense of hopelessness that the situation would never improve. 

This year, as we enter yet another soft lock-down, I am more confident that it will come to an end. Saved for 2 or 3 parents who had suspended lessons, the rest proactively suggested having Zoom lessons! Although I do see a reduction in my income, I am not so afraid, or even paralysed, like last year. With more time on my hand, I decided to cook for the girls, without giving myself pressure.

Not the best picture but I just wanted to capture my first attempt at cooking udon to show a friend!

I have always wanted to cook udon. In fact, I bought a few packets of udon but I didn't know how to cook them and had to throw them away in resignation.

However, for some reason, when my eyes were set on the packets on udon at NTUC today when grocery-shopping for lunch ingredients, I was inspired by the whole idea of cooking simple. I decided to use Swanson Chicken Broth as the soup base and added my own ingredients ie. button mushrooms and chicken mid-joints. I threw in a dish of greens for Baby as the vegetable-loather doesn't have many favourite vegetables.

She finished up both dishes with me. Both of us enjoyed the dishes very much as it was the first time I tried my hand at cooking udon and it was a success! I only had one 250ml packet of chicken broth but I needed more. So I added two packets of water, 1/4 teaspoon of salt and a tablespoon of light soy sauce to 'salvage' the flavour. The result was quite a flavourful broth (to us, at least!)

 It was a play date that was pre-arranged some weeks ago. 

Huiling knew that we haven't been to church for quite a while and asked to meet up and give Baby some exposure to her daughter's youth group activity.

I wanted to make some cupcakes for Huiling's family but the under-utilised oven conked out on me when I was getting the ingredients ready.

After checking with Huiling that she had a seldom-used oven (too) but did not have a mixer, I decided to make 3 batters (1 for icing and 2 for cupcakes from different bloggers' recipes) before heading over.

The girls, like usual, were a bit shy at first when they first met up. After a quick snack of sushi, they went online for the youth group activity, which was a bible study.

While the girls were listening in, Huiling and I baked the cupcakes. Pleased that they turned out well.

Recipe from: A Lazy Girl's Easy Vanilla Cupcake Recipe

After the lengthy youth group session (2.5h!), the girls were all excited to do the icing. 

It had been some time since Cadence laughed so heartily.

Icing recipe from: Easy Vanilla Cupcake Recipe

Huiling's husband was highly inspired by Twelve Cupcakes. 

He took out different ingredients to ask his daughter to try eg. raspberries and cornflakes.

We had a great time spending time with one another even though we didn't do much. Friendships become more precious as you age. It was just a day shy of the soft lock-down. Like it was meant to be.

Cupcake Recipe

Ingredients

• 2 large eggs (room temperature)
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1 stick butter (1/2 cup), room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour/cake flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup milk

Instructions

1. Line a muffin pan with cupcake liners and preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Using an electric mixer, beat together eggs and granulated sugar. Once combined, add softened butter and vanilla. Mix until creamy.
3. In a small bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, and salt.
4. Alternating with the milk, add dry ingredients to egg and sugar mixture in three equal increments. Mix well, but only until incorporated. Do not over-mix.
5. Scoop cupcake batter into the lined muffin pan, filling each cavity about 2/3rds of the way. Bake for 17-20 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean when poked through the center.
6. Remove your tasty, easy vanilla cupcakes from the oven and let sit for about 2 minutes. Remove each cake from the pan and cool completely on a wire rack.
7. NOTE: if making mini cupcakes, please reduce the baking time to 12-15 minutes.

VANILLA FROSTING

• 1/2 cup (112g) salted butter, room temperature
• 1/2 cup (95g) shortening
• 4 cups (460g) powdered sugar
• 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2–3 tbsp (30-45ml) water or milk
• Instructions
• 1. To make the frosting, combine the butter and shortening in a large mixer bowl and mix until smooth.
  2. Add 2 cups of powdered sugar and mix until smooth.
  3. Add the vanilla extract and 1 tablespoon of water or milk and mix until smooth.
  4. Add remaining powdered sugar and mix until smooth.
  5. Add remaining water or milk as needed and mix until smooth.
  6. Pipe the frosting onto the cupcakes.

A Personalised Book

I bought a book online as Baby's birthday present recently and it arrived today.

 

Buying a book from the Internet is no big deal. What's special about the book is that it is a book about the birthday girl's name.

 

Titled 'The Little Girl Who Lost Her Name', the story begins with a girl who wakes up in the middle of the night to find that the name tagged on her bedroom door is missing. She goes an adventure to find her lost name which she herself can't remember.

 

She meets different animals who might be in need and offers her the first letter of their names each time before they say goodbye.

Eventually, the girl gathers enough letters to spell her name.

Although it is recommended for children four to six, I decided to place an order for Baby to give her a surprise. While it could have been too easy a book for Coco when she was eight, Baby still enjoys picture books immensely although she is capable of reading wordier books.

Baby was intrigued by the book which set her name in print.

She showed it to everybody she met today and asked me to read it to her as her bedtime story.

After reading it, she asked if I could read it to her again!

It was quite many pages for a children's book so I told her I would do it again tomorrow.

She loves it!

I am delighted to have made her a happy girl.

I keyed in the details on 4 October and I opened my mailbox today to a pleasant surprise. I had forgotten all about the book!

The original price is $48.99, inclusive of a $5 Monkey wrapper. With a first-order discount, I paid $41.64.

You get to choose your character from a few choices. My choice was a no-brainer. An Asian little girl would have to have short, black hair.

If you have a little one, do explore this unique option of gifting him or her this personalised book. I didn't think it would be an exhilarating experience for the birthday girl but it made her very, very pleased! She can't wait to show it to her classmates when she goes back to school this Friday!

https://www.lostmy.name/

A Surprise in Waiting

I have been telling Baby that we are not going to have a birthday party this year.

I don't want the "party" idea to be ingrained in her and cause her to feel entitled to lavish birthday parties every year.

She voiced out a few times that she would like to have one but each time I said no.

And I started feeling a little bad.

Birthday parties cost a lot more these days than when it was during Coco's time. I recall her eighth birthday party at Wild Wild Wet was no more than $500 in all, with the 2-hour charge of about $250 for ten to fifteen children, with unlimited number of accompanying parents, if I remember correctly. Food and cake were self-prepared and ordered separately, respectively.

The last I checked, Wild Wild Wet has a basic package that cost $450 now, and only two accompanying adults are allowed in the premise. The other adults' entry is chargeable. 

Really expensive.

A birthday party these days easily cost $1000, as I found out while preparing for Baby's last year. 

I feel that it's too extravagant to spend such an obscene amount of dough on a child's birthday party.

The cheapest I had enquired was KidzAmaze but the slot was quickly snapped up. 

I started drumming into Baby about our own private party, that we would celebrate it ourselves, until I saw on Facebook about a mother's preparation for her young son's party at school. 

For all the Pokemon Go I have been playing, it is such a shame it didn't occur to me to give Baby a Pokemon-themed party!

And it occurred to me that I could just give her a quick celebration at her school canteen, during recess! She has expressed a few times that she wants to celebrate her birthday with her friends. 

Stupid mummy!

So last night, I started sourcing for Pokeballs with Pikachu figurines.

My goodness! Tough. Tough. Tough.

Aplenty as they were on Carousell, these sellers kept replying that their Pokeballs were sold out!

I started to feel discouraged.

William said we could check out the Toy Outpost shop in the morning.

What gave me hope was the cake makers.

Super last minute as I was, two cake makers were willing to accommodate my one-day-in-advance order!

And those were popular cake makers - Cake Avenue and Sensational Cake.

I will always be grateful to them.

I chose Cake Avenue for the lower price and being a perfect alternative (will show the cake in the next post).

After the most important part of the celebration was settled, William and I continued to search for Pokeball sellers.

I sent messages to eleven Carousellers and finally narrowed down to two.

 

Eventually I bought them from whom I thought sounded helpful.

 

I was so disappointed with the figurines that come with the balls that I started sending enquiring messages to other Carousellers to check if it was possible to buy Gen 1 figurines from them.

However, they didn't seem helpful. 

Then William said,"I found out that these are later Gen's mons! You could be chasing them next time."

I was skeptical and asked him to find out the names of these mon-figurines.

And he did.

Then he said something that made me turn around,"But the children will like the ball."

Ya! It's the ball that matters. The figurine was just a bonus. What was I thinking!

Baby doesn't know she has a cake or is celebrating her birthday during recess. I told her I will be bringing her goody bags to school so that she could give them out to her friends.

I hope she would be terrifically surprised!

Love Seed Hunting

After countless tenacious hunts for Pokemons, I finally took out a day to go on a search for Love Seeds or saga seeds with Baby.

This mummy's blog was a great help. I locked in Ang Mo Kio Town Garden West opposite Blocks 126 and 134 for my search.

It was not difficult to find the flats. A train ride to Yio Chu Kang MRT Station and a bus ride three bus-stops down and we were there in no time.

By the above blog's virtue, I learnt to identify the trees by their tiny leaves and the browned seed pods that were aplenty on the trees.

It was not too much of a chore looking for the trees.

 

Block 126 from the hill slope where we picked the seeds

 

Block 134 at the same place

 

View from under the tree 

 

She had wanted to do this for a long time!

 

We kept a look-out for these dried seed pods that had fallen off the tree. Some still had seeds attached to the pods. She had a great time plucking them off!

Besides seed-picking, we also had some real-life Science lessons there:

 

She noticed two mushrooms growing on an old root.

 

Under the saga seed tree, we found a broken branch with a few bracket fungi!

 

There was a gigantic bird's nest fern under the tree. I showed her the spores and encouraged her to touch the brown powdery stuff to feel how it was like while explaining that these are what a fern reproduces by.

 

I pointed out to her that grass bears little white flowers.

We found rather few seeds. I surmised most seeds have been picked by other seed-hunters, given that such trees are getting fewer these days.

The tree nearer to the road, opposite Block 126.

As it was more accessible to the passers-by, I was not surprised that this tree had even fewer seeds to pick from.

 

Our harvest for the day!