How Emotional Abuse Looks Like

Today was our Singapore reunion dinner.

Since young, our reunion dinner was one with our Malaysian family and relatives. My father would drive us back on the day of reunion dinner itself. Our loved ones in Malaysia would wait for us, even as late as past 8pm one year, before they started the dinner. 

The Singapore one first started when my mother wanted a reunion dinner of our own, when we were unable to return to Malaysia for our usual reunion dinner.

Since then, we would have one of our own before going back to Malaysia. After my father passed, my siblings are not keen on having reunion dinner with our Malaysian family, I am not sure why. They would go back on the first day of Chinese New Year (CNY) for a visit and come out to Singapore again on the second day of CNY. As someone without a car of my own, I did not have a choice but to follow what they did. But deep within me, I felt uneasy about giving up the tradition that my father had set.

Last year, I told them that I would join my Malaysian family for the reunion dinner instead. My 4th sister drove out from Malaysia to pick me up so that I could have that pleasure.

This year, surprisingly, almost all of them would like to have the reunion dinner with our Malaysian family so we had the Singapore one early today.

I asked Baby to join us. I even told her the Court Order states that she lives with me from Thursday to Sunday so she gets to have dinner on Saturday with me.

As expected, she cooked up some lame excuses not to come.

She told her cousin that she was sure that we would be speaking badly about her father and she didn't want to hear it.

I took a video of us busy eating and told her nobody could bother speaking about her father.

Clearly, William has been speaking badly about me and my family. It's a reflection. The fact that Baby refuses to come live with me is a clear testimony of how much he has been speaking badly about me.

Baby doesn't know she's being manipulated. 

Baby doesn't know she's being emotionally abused.

She thinks she voluntarily distances herself from everybody else.

She said that she doesn't like to go out anyway. She's alienating herself, under the influence of the NPD.

This is how abuse looks like.

I have stepped away from it. So I can see it.

When you are abused, you don't know you are abused.

If someone hadn't pointed it out to me and told me that I was abused, I wouldn't have known either. And I am an adult with lots of life experiences.

We can recognise abuse when it's physical abuse.

But few can recognise emotional abuse. 

The damage done by emotional abuse is often far greater and farther reaching than physical abuse.

Each time I named my child, it was often a reflection of my state of mind, which was invariably linked to my marriage.

Coco's name means:

a beautiful smile

I was very uncertain, fearful and unhappy. I wished my child to always be happy and to face life's hardships with strength and a smile.

For Baby, I told her her name means:

宁为玉碎，不为瓦全

not to put up with misery and wrongful acts like how her mother did, but to be strong and principled.

It took me 16 years to walk out. It was arduous, very misunderstood, exhausting, but I did it anyway. 

I hope one day, the truth will set Baby free.

Let’s Talk About Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

For a long time, 16 years to be exact, I was living in a state of confusion.

I didn't know that there is such a thing as NPD.

I didn't understand why William would become a perfect stranger the second day of our marriage.

I made a lot of excuses for him:

It's the first time he got married (It was also my first time experiencing a married life too).

He had never been a father (He had spent two years getting along with Coco).

He was stressed (by being … married?).

William was wonderful, considerate, thoughtful and sensitive before marriage. He spent almost every day with me, talking a lot with me, trying to get to know my every thought, my life stories.

I thought he was my soulmate.

He would say that he knew me better than I knew myself. And I agreed.

There were a few times I felt something was not right.

He would sit in the middle of a foodcourt in Scotts Shopping Mall when he got angry.

Everybody stared at him and he would not care.

He would carry Coco away when we had an argument and scared her.

He would tell me that a man sitting beside me was looking at my exposed bosom when I was playing with Coco - after everything was over.

Every time, I felt something was off and wanted to break off with him.

He would appear below my flat at 6am and waited for me to beg me not to end our relationship.

He would shout my name out from the opposite block at 12am when he could see me through the windows.

He would beg me and give reasons for his unusual behaviour. 

He would say that it was because he really loved me and didn't want to lose me. It was because we were not married and didn't have our own space.

He said all these would not have happened if we were married.

Thinking back, I got to a point where I felt that I was so torn within that I knew I would get back with him in the end anyway.

But after the wedding, he seemed a different person from before marriage.

He was cold and didn't speak a word for the whole of next day after the wedding.

I thought he was tired.

Then within a week, we were fighting every day, shouting and screaming every day.

I hid in the room with Coco, with him banging the door and shouting for us to get out of the room.

I didn't know how to divorce him within a week.

We had a church wedding.

He was a wonderful man despite all the weird behaviour. 

He wanted to marry me. He must love me.

I was very very confused. I was in constant state of confusion for a long time.

He gaslit me, cast doubts on the things I remembered, belittled me and everything associated with me. He justified all his wrongdoings and put the blame on me for him acting ‘out of sorts’. It was my fault all the time. 

I had thoughts of divorce every day.

But he hadn't hit me. We just got married. It was my second marriage. How would others perceive me? 

It got to a point where I felt that life was hopeless. I told myself I had to change my values to align with his, even if they were not right, in order to spend the rest of my life with him.

It was after I filed for a divorce that I learnt about NPD.

Then everything became clear as day.

An NPD lies about everything, even trivial things that don't seem to matter.

An NPD gaslights people who trust him wholeheartedly.

An NPD emotionally abuses people who trust him.

An NPD is superb at putting up an act.

An NPD is the devil himself in human disguise. He steals, kills and destroys relationships and lives.

An NPD needs to spoil people's day in order to feel important. He told my mother he was broke and asked my mother for money on the first day of CNY. My mother was in shock. She asked me if he’s mentally unsound.

An NPD could not laugh to his heart's content. I had never once seen him laughing uncontrollably. His laughter, if ever, was always controlled.

An NPD alienates people they want to control from their loved ones. That’s why William always  alienates people he wants to control. It was me. Now it’s Baby.

An NPD sees money as the most important thing. He stole Baby’s baby shower gift, a gold bangle from my elder sister, Coco’s gold ring, my wedding jewellery, and stole the girls’ ang pow money and my money habitually. Of course. He blamed me for his stealing acts.

It got to a point where I was brainwashed into believing that it’s normal that - and I should expect, money and valuables should disappear from where they were kept. 

An NPD does not and cannot love their own children. 

An NPD only thinks about relationships and people in terms of how useful they are.

An NPD exaggerates and lies about who they know.

An NPD appears normal and looks like a good man to people who do not know him. That’s why people around me question if I had been perfectionistic and difficult, which William would always reinforce and reiterate.

I realised that very few people know what NPD is.

When I talk about it, they are always in disbelief that such people exist. When I give them examples of what William would do, they told me how they would react - in the same way as I did, simply because that’s how normal human beings are. 

But NPDs are of the devil. They attack normal human qualities. They exploit kindness, honesty, understanding, compassion and everything that’s beautiful. 

Because the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.

Google ‘NPD traits’ and you will find more about what they are like and do. 

Not everyone who has some NPD traits is an NPD. My elder sister has a lot of NPD traits but I know that she is able to develop love for a few people so she’s not a full-fledged NPD.

But William is a full-fledged NPD because every single trait fits him to a tee. 

I hope more people are aware of NPD and can recognise NPDs if they are in close contact with one. You need to flee from them. 

My Divorce Story

 It has been 4 years since I signed the divorce papers.

If you have never been divorced, you would believe what 100% of the undivorced believe - that women get 50% of men's money.

If you are a woman, you would get a shock of your life if you ever enquire about divorce.

Women's Charter? I assure you. None of the lawyers, ZERO, ZILCH - would mention it.

Because it has nothing to do with divorce or women's rights.

Oh, it states that men are equally entitled to what women do - that if they are handicapped or disabled, they are entitled to alimony from their ex-wife.

4 years ago when I started my journey of divorce, a lawyer told me that alimony for women had been abolished about 4 years before. That makes it about 8 years now.

The rationale for abolishing alimony was so that there would be a clean break, which is a joke.

Before I could apply for a divorce, I was directed to attend a class which I can't recall the name of now. Oh, that was a class mandatory for women under the Women's Charter. Yup, that was the only time Women's Charter came up throughout the whole divorce.

It was conducted at a family service centre in Ang Mo Kio. A few other women were at the talk. We were shown Powerpoint slides about the consideration we had to take into if we wanted a divorce, especially about the financial aspect. I felt strongly that it was a propaganda aiming at discouraging or scaring women from getting a divorce.

I still remember speaking to a staff about my uncertainty about whether I really should divorce. She said something that bothered me for a long time.

I told her that my husband spoke ill about me to my kids.

She asked me to think about whether that was what my kids saw, if it was true.

I was quite disturbed. It deepened my self-doubt and self-blame.

But I knew I wanted a divorce anyway.

William had agreed to a divorce. Of course. All these years, he vehemently disagreed whenever I brought the subject up. He would cry, threaten to kill himself, beg me to stay for the sake of our young child.

Towards the end of our marriage, he finally agreed. He deceived me into thinking that it could be an amicable divorce though.

Before I went to look for a lawyer, he cried and said he would always be good to me. He would offer his help even if we were divorced. He would tell his next girlfriend that his ex-wife would always be his priority in his life.

Sounds great, right?

HA. HA. HA.

The divorce only showed how much of a liar he was, how devoid of integrity, how despicable, how greedy he was.

If you want to know the real character of a man, it's at the time of divorce.

I listed Unreasonable Behaviour as the ground for the divorce.

Of course. I had pages of his unreasonable behaviours.

His lawyer cancelled almost everything and left some not-so-ugly behaviour behind as the supporting reason and said that they would agree to the divorce for that reason.

My lawyer said usually people don't care about the reason as long as they get the divorce. So I agreed to it.

I managed to read a document on which he had drafted his ground for wanting to divorce me. He was trying to beat me to applying for a divorce in order to be the Plaintiff.

He accused me of telling my kids that it was perfectly normal to have affairs in a marriage, which of course was not true.

I still remember what I told them: If a marriage does not make you happy, you have the right to pursue your own happiness. You don't have to be trapped by the marriage.

You see how he twisted that to make me look like a horrible mother?

It took us 4 mediation sessions before all the terms were negotiated.

Throughout the mediation, it was clear he wanted my money.

I was the one who paid for the housing instalments for the past 10 years, all the renovations and the furniture. Yet he kept insisting that he had immense indirect contribution to the house so he deserved 40% of the house.

He insisted that he had been caring for Baby in real time - when Baby was already 13 years old.

In the end, we agreed to have shared care and control of Baby, each spending half of the week with her with public holidays spent alternately with her. 

4 years have passed but Baby has not come and lived with me a single day.

He went to adopt many pets from other pet owners who didn't want their pets anymore and told Baby that she had to take care of them. Naturally, she told me she could not leave them. Otherwise, 'they would die!'

Then, she had to attend church on Saturdays for the whole day so she wouldn't be able to stay with me.

She was also forever busy with her schoolwork so despite the fact that my place was nearer to her school, she couldn't afford to come live with me.

Back in early January, I told Baby that this year was her turn to return to Malaysia with me for Chinese New Year. However, her passport had expired so she needed to get it renewed.

She spent an hour taking a picture for her passport photo.

A few days ago, she suddenly 'remembered' that she had to study over CNY and would not be able to go with me anymore.

We all know who 'reminded' her, don't we?

Suddenly, Baby told me she knew I am supposed to pay child support as I am also a parent.

I asked her,"Is that in the Court Order?" She kept quiet.

The Court Document clearly states that whoever lives with her pays for her living expenses. William wants me to pay when he defies the Court Order and prevents her from living with me.

I wished Baby would know that every word that spews out of his mouth is a lie.

All this while, I didn't enforce the Court Order on the living arrangement as I thought that perhaps she should learn to be a selfish person like William.

She should learn to be despicable and cunning like William.

So that she would not get bullied - like her mother.

My only worry is that it would be a road of no return. She would become what he is. An NPD.

My Cash Advance Mistake with Standard Chartered

I did something stupid in December last year.

When I returned from Finland, I knew I had chalked up a credit card bill.

I had been cancelling credit cards one by one as I really seldom use them and I don't want to be charged (and paying) annual fees without knowing it.

Before I went overseas, I found a Standard Chartered credit card sitting in my drawer.

I had signed up for it as the salesguy told me that it would give me 1.5% cashback on whatever I spent on, subject to a limit of a certain amount of cashback per month. Two years' worth of annual fees would be waived. Even if I was charged later on, I could always call up to get them waived.

I was not an active user of it so I decided to try it out overseas.

I used it to buy a few LV bags so I knew I had chalked up close to $10k on it.

When I returned to Singapore, I checked my credit card bill the next day and the date stated on the screen was that very day. I knew usually that wasn't possible but I didn't want to delay my payment so I pressed a few buttons and tried paying for it.

I was used to seeing the online bank having our savings account as the default 'Pay from' account so I did not think much of it when it had an additional page popping up, asking me to confirm or acknowledge. I just tapped 'yes' and the payment went through.

Then I saw that the sum of money in my savings account was not paid out. Instead another $9K+ came in!

I panicked. I had done a cash advance on my credit card instead!

I asked for help on the app immediately asking if I could reverse the transaction. The reply was that it could not be reversed before the transaction went through.

I waited till the next day when it went through before I reversed the payment. However, I also realised that I was charged $780 fee for the cash advance!

I made two calls to the CSOs who 'assured' me that the fee could not be cancelled but they would help to appeal for the waiver anyway.

True enough. I received two smses stating that the appeals were not successful.

Like many times I had been cheated of my money, I was close to giving up. But I had such confidence in the Singapore banks system that I decided to seek out all possible avenues before giving up.

I looked up similar cases like mine and found someone on Reddit who did the same thing and felt the same way as I did, that it was a trap waiting for us to walk in. The user said that he didn't manage to get a waiver but the amount was small ie. $100+ so it was not that big a deal.

I was so desperate I wrote in to the bank via the bank app. A day later, I wrote in to FIDReC, MAS and the Minister of Finance who is also our Prime Minister to complain about the misleading bank app interface which led to my mistake. I also raised doubts about integrity of the system and appealed for the money to be returned to me.

Then I received a call from the Complaint Unit of the bank who largely assured me that I should get a waiver as it was a mistake and I had only one waiver done a year ago (which I don't remember at all).

Subsequently, I received an sms which was backdated to the time two hours before the guy called me to say that my appeal was unsuccessful again!

Then someone pmed me on a social media platform that as a bank manager, he had helped a few clients waived such fees before and advised me to go down to a branch personally to speak to a branch manager.

I rushed down to the nearest branch to me which was at NEX. The service manager at the reception counter checked for me and found that my appeal was still in progress. She said that she was unable to raise another appeal until this had gone through but promised to send an email to check on the status.

That afternoon, I received an email stating that my appeal was successful. 

All these ding-dongs happened within a week. Imagine the turmoil I went through over this sum of money.

When the refund was completed, I immediately called in to cancel all my SC accounts. I had posted my experience on a social media platform and it received 70k views within one or two days (I just checked and it's 140k views now). Many people commented and shared their awful experiences with SC. It was getting discouraging as almost everybody said that they didn't get a waiver for whatever fee they had with SC. 

I don't want to take any chance with SC again.