Milk Pumping

After diligently pumping for 2 weeks, my milk supply has increased from 5 - 10 ml to 40 ml. :) It's very encouraging indeed. Although the nipples are no longer squirting like crazy, as per when I first started pumping, I'm quite happy with the amount and I believe it'll continue to increase.

On fully pumping

I chanced upon this thread which led me to Ameda's website for mummies who pump exclusively. Very useful I must say:
http://www.ameda.com/breastpumping/moms/fully_pumping.aspx

It states how to bring in and maintain full milk supply with pumping, and how to wean from pumping gradually instead of abruptly which might cause mastitis and infections. Impressive.

I get abit worried when I read about the part on getting a good flange fit. I wonder if my right breastshield is ill-fitting 'cos it does feel like there's some rubbing. Could this be the reason that cause me recurrence of infections - due to breakage of skin?

His sms

William smsed me this while I was at church:

"The most important reason why I insisted on having the baby is to prevent you from going through the ordeal of an abortion. I know you well. If you've to go through it, you'll have even more nightmares and you'll be thinking you've killed a baby for your whole life. I know it's going to cost money but I'd rather spend more than see you suffer. I still love you alot."

Upon reading it, tears welled up in my eyes.

He's right.

We've been fighting alot over the baby's expenses. He feels he's been spending on the baby and I haven't contributing at all, but I think I'm the one footing bills for Coco and so I shouldn't be required to spend money on the baby too. We've been hurting each other. I kept saying things like "I already warned you that a baby is expensive but you insisted on having her." In my heart of hearts, I know I wouldn't have the heart to abort the baby, but I just wanted to hurt him back using words on hindsight. It's too late not to have the baby anyway, so I could say anything I want.

Yesterday, he washed the baby's clothes, folded them and put them in the drawers, and changed the bedsheet.

All is forgiven. At least for now.

Breast pumping

I finally decided to make my purchase of Medela Pump In Style Advance, after looking at how my little one suffered while she pooed. She pushed so hard she had perspiration beads on her forehead and philtrum (the vertical lines between the nose and the upper lip). And I think she was scared. She cried and looked panicky when the stool was stuck in her anus. Poor baby!

But after close to 10 days of not pumping, due to the recurrence of mastitis, the milk supply was running really low. It couldn't even cover the base of the pumping bottles - about 5 to 10 ml each time. It's a good thing I bought a bottle of Greenlife fenugreek seeds from the pharmacy. I kept at pumping between 2.5 h to 3 h until I fell asleep last night. Then I woke up to pump at 6.45 am this morning again. It seems to have increased a little bit, maybe by about 5 ml. I'm praying that the milk supply will up again.

Medela Pump-In-Style Advance is really good. I actually look forward to pumping now. If only someone told me that pumping is not supposed to be painful. With my previous pump, I always retrieved the pump with trepidation. Perhaps it's only me because I know of quite a few others (colleagues and friends) who use Mini Electric Plus, but none of them complain of pain. And it's my nipples which took turn to be painful.

End of Confinement

Today marks the 40th day of my confinement.

I had chicken rice (without chilli) for lunch - the first non-confinement food after my confinement.

I haven't got the time to upload the photos of the baby. I felt weak and tired for most of the forty days, and I had this bone-gnawing backache when I stand or sit for just a mere 10 mins. I was afraid that it might last for the rest of my life, but I listened to my mother's advice and tried to rest whenever I can and it feels better now. It has to go away. If not I don't know how I'm going to survive with the backache. I used to think that it's just figurative when people use the four-character phrase 'yao suan bei tong'. But when I bent over to wash my hair on my 30th day of confinement, my waist was so sore I almost fell over. I groped desperately for the tap in order to get my balance. And when I sat for a few hours watching TV, I found myself with a literal aching back. It's literally painful on the upper part of my back.

It's scary. I didn't have such experiences when I had Coco. I didn't know what backache actually means. Now I can totally appreciate the gravity and totality of the phrase.

He said that he didn't bet

These are the websites he goes to, just last night:

http://www.soccerpunter.com/livescore2.php
http://www.soccerway.com/
http://www.soccerPUNTER.COM/
http://www.singaporepools.com.sg/en/sports/1x2.html
http://www.soccerway.com/national/korea-republic/first
http://www.singaporepools.com.sg/en/html/index.html

I've given up on this marriage. Infidelity comes in many forms. He goes back on his vows and attacks me when I'm at my most vulnerable - during my pregnancy and confinement. I don't see why I have to keep mine.

On top of that, he seems to resent the fact that I'm in confinement. He says that I'm awaiting death when I'm still weak from the op.

A drama serial on Channel 8 showed a man who lives off his prospective wife and feels that there's nothing wrong with it. The things he says and his attitudes towards marriage and the woman he claims he loves are a reflection of my own marriage and William.

I find it such a mockery. I've been holding on to this f-up marriage for the sake of my values and vows when they mean nothing to him. 'Marriage is a sacred institution' - he claimed. But I don't see that in practice. They are right when they say that he was just saying things that made me happy.

I want freedom. I haven't thought about what to do with the baby yet. But I will leave him. Even if I don't leave him, I will make myself happy by going with how I feel. There's no reason for me to restrain myself, control my emotions or feelings for the sake of a bastard anymore.

TMC - the greatest hospital on Earth

I've been back from the hospital for almost two weeks now.

It's been a pleasant and wonderful experience staying at Thomson Medical Centre. I was treated humanely there. The nurses were careful not to inflict any pain on you. If there's supposed to be the tiniest bit of pain, they made it pain-free ie. like the removal of the drip from the hand. They warned you of any possible pain ie. the removal of the catheter - the nurse asked me to take a deep breath before pulling it out. It's totally unlike KK where they just come over to you and say,"I'm going to remove the drip and tubes from you." and pull out everything without a word like you're immune to pain.

Sure I've been through a huge amount of pain without screaming like a pig led to the slaughter, but it doesn't mean I'm devoid of physical feeling.

The only bad thing that comes out of this C-section with epidural experience is that I suffer the full effects of epidural. I got the tremors, the urge to vomit, and now the backache. I'm really worried that the backache is here to stay. I've been trying to rest for as much as I can in order to get healed from the backache.

I'm disappointed that William is not about to change, not even for the sake of the baby. He's still up at 1am to check out his soccer betting and lottery websites. I don't want the children to have a gambler for a father. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a gambler. Much as I've been warned, and much as I've been restraining myself, tears still wet my eyes whenever I think about where this marriage is going. I can't allow myself to rot with a gambler for the sake of a baby. Perhaps a baby is precisely God's sign for me to leave the marriage. As I recall, I only had the courage to get out of my previous empty marriage after I had Coco because I woke up to my senses that I could not allow Coco to see that boy as a role model for a father or a husband.

Perhaps it's God's will that I stayed at a two-bedder at TMC, that I got a neighbour who was so outspoken. We spoke alot despite our brief meeting in that 1 or 2 days' stay together. It made me realise that I've been living in a small world of my own, that I've been focusing on the wrong things to be in this rotting marriage.

She told me about her younger sister who divorced her husband and left her 3-month-old baby after a 3-year marriage for a gambler of a boyfriend. It sort of 'inspired' me. The younger sister had been having marital problems over allowance and her mother-in-law. The marriage ended after the younger sister consented to an immediate divorce on the ground of 'adultery'. After some time, she left this gambler of a boyfriend after she found a much richer boyfriend who loved her so much that he transferred $50, 000 to her bank account. I can't even get a $50 note from William without him asking why I need it. You know what they say about the willingness to part with money as a measure of your love for that somebody? They're right. And Fann Wong once said that a man who is stingy with money is also stingy with love. And she's so darn right. Who says that she's an airhead? She's probably one of the smartest women in Singapore.

To a large extent, I admire this woman for her guts to leave her own flesh and blood in the name of love (and lust I suspect), and her pursuit for happiness as she herself defines.

It makes me realise that I've been focusing too much on what this society wants, and how it looks at me. There're so many people out there who don't bother about how others look at them as long as they are happy. Perhaps I've been too brainwashed by a church I went to since my early teens - 'Others may but I cannot'.

I've asked Pastor Jimmy if it's biblical for me to divorce William since he has not committed adultery or blatantly abandoned us. He said that although William has been 'faithful' in the physical sense, he has not been faithful to his vows he made at the altar ie. to protect and to cherish me.

For so long, I'd thought Pastor Jimmy would oppose to the idea of divorce for whatsoever reasons. For so long, I'd thought I have to endure whatever rubbish William heaps on me.

It's a great relief to know that I'm free to leave this marriage, as long as I want to.

For years, I've pictured myself living in a 3-room flat with Coco. Just me and her. It just might come true soon.