Butterflies in my stomach

Results are slated to be out next week. Rumours have it that they will be out on Monday instead of the official Friday.

I feel quite jittery lately. Had prayed that I will accept whatever that's given. Through all the things I've experienced in life, I've started to believe that many things are 'destined'. If not because of certain things or events that took place, I would not behave in a certain way or end up at a certain place. I think it's all amazing. I believe that even if I don't get the second class upper honours that I so desire, I am sure that it's because there're other things instored for me in future.
Read a friend's blog. She was talking about whether to get a Masters as many of her colleagues are doing it. She's sure that she will not do it unless she's really interested in a subject of study.

For me, I know I will not. Not for the time being when my marriage is facing bouts of challenges, when Coco needs me in her physiological and psychological developments. I want to learn a variety of dishes to make her chubbier and healthier-looking. I want to be there for her when her friend laughs at her for not being as rich as the rest of her friends. I want to coach her in her studies to help her excel academically.

Like my friend, I have learnt my lesson too well that unless I do something that I like, I will not feel good or do well in it.

Should I divorce him?

I've been bogged down by issues at work and of marriage versus finance that I totally forgot about Coco's Chinese test last Friday. I feel very guilty for forgetting it altogether. I'm not going to let this happen again.

I can't help but contemplate the possibility of divorcing him at this juncture.
He said he would like to save the marriage and hope that I would do the same. I told him I'm willing only if he's willing to show all his bills, stop gambling and lying and go to church with me. Out of all these that he promised to do, he only managed to go to church with me. I don't know what's so difficult about showing me the bills, unless there's something he still wants to hide from me.

He said he would give me $600 every month to reduce his credit card bills, but he took $200 from me a few days ago and said he would return me that very night, 'that very night' became 'next week when I get my tuition fees'. If he doesn't pay me back, I will know that he's never got the intention to repent.

Everybody tells me not to let him take money from me again. I want to do that too, but I'm just so dense. I still choose to believe him - up till now, I can't quite believe that he's out to cheat my money. He was a nice guy before marriage. He really was. He said that he wanted to take care of me and Coco. He said that he would support us, give me allowance every month, help save up for Coco's education fund, coach Coco in her Maths and Science, do housework.

What he didn't tell me was he expected me to chip in too.

From young, my parents have been telling me that men are expected to shoulder all financial responsibilities in the household. I'm going to save up for Coco since he doesn't look like he's going to. That alone will take up a substantial portion of my pay. I can't help him with the bills. I must not. Sometimes I feel that he's got no qualm taking Coco's money as well. This is the scary part. To prove that he really got no money, he would ask me to go borrow from my family members. I don't want to spend my life supporting my husband financially. He reminds me of the men I read from Wan Bao who parasite on their wives and parents.

The world is right about men after all, that no man is so generous as to support another man's child.

I'm frightened about the prospect of this marriage. I hope to find a way out.

The ultimate

I saw some betting tickets lying in his drawers last night.

I took out 3 of them and they totalled up to $1900.

I confronted him. He tried to give me the impression that they were not bought recently. I must have come across as a total total idiot to him because the date of purchase was on the tickets and it was yesterday.

Upon seeing that I scrutinised the tickets, he tried to mumble some stuff under his breath and tried to sidetrack. I didn't let him go,"You promised me that you would never bet again. We agreed that if you do, we'll divorce."

He came up to me and snatched the tickets from my hands and tore up the tickets!
I was shocked! You're tearing up $1900 here. Do you know it could settle half of one of his card's debt, if what he said was true? Do you know it could buy a nice sofa, a high-end LCD, two sets of high-end home theatre system or a more than comprehensive bedroom set for Coco?

How could he ask me or his parents or grandparents for money when we are earning so much less than he does? And he spends it all on meaningless 'leisure'?!!

I really feel like a total idiot. All this while, I believe that what he earns can't cover his bills. He's as scheming as his contractor. They are the same brood of vipers. I tried talking to him by exchanging smses. To my disappointment, he started pushing the blame on me! He said he gambles because he feels insecure about me working, about me getting a degree, about the need to be distracted from all these. What utter rubbish!

It dawned upon me that he's a pack of excuses. Whatever he does, he has a perfect reason and this reason is always the fault of others. Never his.

I asked to take over the finance management so that he will be able to repay his debts but he said he would rather divorce than let me do it. So we shall.

I'm tired of worrying about his finances when he is actually squandering money mindlessly.

I really am.

I can't trust men anymore.

I've always thought they are a different species. And I'm right.

He's a totally changed man after marriage. No mistake about it.

I can't live with a stranger.

Lan Tan Zi

It's been a week since I started work.
I'm more humane as a teacher this time. I try to treat every child as an individual and treat them with respect. I also respect their bladder when they asked to go to the toilet. I no longer give a flat 'no' when they ask for a toilet break.
It's been great so far, except that the relief teacher didn't do her job. Lots of worksheets and workbook practices left unmarked. Not to mention about marking corrections, getting kids to do corrections or getting the whole class to hand in their books or files. In short, it's a mess that I've picked up. Well, I had prepared myself for this actually. I would say that very few teachers, even the full-fledged ones, are as organised and strict when it comes to books and files. Besides, she's only a relief.

I just hope that the nightmare of the unmarked stuff will not be loaded onto me, and that it'll be over soon. I must remember to defend myself if anyone tries to ask me to take over the back-logging. As it is, I've been going through the worksheets she got the kids to do without marking them. And I'm not done yet. The fact is: she kept giving the kids worksheets to do without marking them. In fact, she gave them ALL the worksheets for this term so I'm practically left with nothing for them to do, except marking, going through the answers with them and marking their corrections, oh yes, and to chase after them for worksheets and books not handed in. She's very laxed with the kids, so the kids didn't think it necessary to hand in their stuff. Oh boy, sounds like I got lots to do. I think I need to tell, and remind, myself that I go in only in May and I'm not obliged to pick up the shit she leaves behind. I only need to start the kids on 'Shapes' and do a good job from there.

It's quite a mental burden though.

Cute translator

My mother called last night and I was lying on the sofa after a day of work.

Coco picked up the phone and after a while, she asked me to go to the phone. I said,"I can't go over because my feet are killing me."

She did a literal translation in Chinese,"她不能来因为她的脚在 。。。在。。。要杀死她了（She can't come (to the phone) because her feet is ... is ... going to kill her)." I laughed.

But I thought she's good in that she is able to notice the difference between the semantics. '在' (-ing) is not appropriate in the sentence as 'killing' in Chinese is not continuous - or at least not in my situation.

First day at work

I'm giving Coco Chinese spelling as I type this.
Today is my first day at the school I'm posted to. The people seem nice and helpful, remind me of those I first met at UPS. Met an old friend who did practicum at the same school as I too.
But my feet's condition is horrible. The new heels cut into my skin and I had to stand for the whole day. Really painful. I bore with the pain until I reached the flats near my place and took off the heels and walked bare-footed. Couldn't take it anymore.
My father, William and Coco were aghast at the condition of my feet.

I'm given a P2 as a form class. Sigh. P2 again. And it's afternoon session. My name must have this afternoon look. I never fail to be posted to the afternoon session - for both practs, for my first permanent posting to UPS, and now this school.

Men Are Hard To Please

Found this in an old email.

The problems with GUYS:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMENT.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!
If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

Exam's over!

Oh wow! The exam's over! It's my last paper of my NIE life. I don't want to dwell too much on whether the components are well done. I'll just keep my expectations low ... but actually it's difficult to do just that. How low can I go down to? C? B+? I feel sad even to think that I would get grades like these.
I feel so tired and hungry, but I don't feel like sleeping. I kinda cherish these waking hours of not having to study. :)
I miss the midnight movies. I think I'll catch Spiderman 3 soon.
Really tired. My shoulders ache. I hope it's only fatigue and having sat in a lousy position for too long. Read an article about a man whose shoulders ached and found out that it was liver cancer. After many rounds of chemo and some other therapies, he died. Sounds like a painful death.

Last paper

I feel so tired.
I still have another paper to go - Written Discourse. I can't go to sleep because I know I'll surely oversleep if I do. And I won't be able to finish memorising my notes if I do.
The notes are just right in front of me. They are actually not as much as Language Testing and certainly not as stressful. But I'm tired.
But I really want to do this paper well.
It's just about my only hopeful to get an A for an academic subject.

Did I mention that I'm happy with the way Language Testing paper goes?
Managed to answer all the questions, and seem to be on the right track. Yeah, 'seem'. I really don't know what's on that tutor's mind. Don't want to get my hopes high.

I must get those stuff into my head.

Exam stress sets in

I freaked out last night.
The Language Testing module totally freaked me out because the fears of not spotting the correct questions, that one or two or all of them might not come out in the exam, that I may be memorising the wrong parts of the questions - all got me tight-up. I broke down and threw a chair in my anger. I was angry at William for not being able to pick out the points for my Written Discourse paper.
I chatted with an old friend. He told me that he think he might fail his test too. But talking to him calmed me down.
The fear is still there, but I've come to terms with it that there's nothing I can do about the paper. I thought about what I normally did when it happened - I just wrote something about it, relevant or irrelevant.
I was undergoing so much stress mainly because the Aussie tutor said that she will penalise the parts that are wrong. It's really very scary. In exams, most people just dump whatever that's related in there, and sometimes, they are not even remotely related. This must be the most stressful paper I ever have. Really hate myself for taking this module.

Too heater up

The heater has been really problematic.
The other day when it was thundering and storming outside, the power tripped, and the heater had this burnt smell.
Today, Coco was asking for me when she was in the bathroom. When I went to her after she called me repeatedly, she told me that when she touched the tap and the 'wire' connecting the tap to the heater, her hand would tremble - she shook her hand to show me how it 'trembled'.
I was shocked. I switched off the heater immediately and told her not to touch the tap or the 'wire' again. I got her some warm water from mixing hot water from the hot flask with tap water to let her finish up her bath.
The heater apparently has some 'loose' connection that results in electric shocking, which William subsequently experienced when he came home. I think he wanted to try it out himself after we told him about the incident.
The electrician will only come on Wednesday. I hope something can be done about it, and our safety ensured. I'm really worried that someone might get electrocuted or something like that, and to make matter worse, it's in the bathroom where water is aplenty.

A mother's worry

While having lunch today, Coco was asking me to teach her multiplication.
She said that her two best friends were asking her if she knows what '7 x 1' is, and she kept quiet.

I feel bad about not teaching her in advance.

She must have felt embarrassed that she didn't know multiplication tables.
I taught her on the spot using 2 drink cans to illustrate '1 x 2' and got her to imagine for '3 x 2'. She sort of grasp the gist of multiplication, that the principle behind it is to keep adding. She was excited that she 'know about times' already.

I promised her that I'll teach her more about it after my exams.

The incident also makes me wonder if not wanting to admit ignorance is good for her character development. For someone as little as Coco, I find it appalling that she seems to think that 'I don't know' is something shameful. Although I do agree that it seems to be better than not feeling anything at all about not knowing something, since feeling embarrassed about being ignorant implies some degree of earnestness in wanting to know something that you don't know, and generally, only stupid people (like myself) would readily admit that they don't know, I find it abit worrying that for a child her age, Coco doesn't want to come across as being inferior to her friends, or think that "I cannot not know this". I feel that it has some implications on her character development.