Mixed thoughts, Mixed feelings

I am going for an interview in a while's time.

When I submitted my application, I didn't think that they would call me up for an interview, so I sent it anyway.

Less than two hours away from the interview, I feel panicky.

Suddenly, I feel as though I don't know what I want.

I guess I wanted to find out the kinda pay I could get if I were to be hired elsewhere.

But part of me worries.

True. I hate this system. In fact, I abhor it. I don't want to be under it, to be accused of something that I didn't intend to just so I could be part of a negative statistic. This system glorifies the wicked-hearted and the bootlickers. It does not do the real educators justice.

There is only one redeeming point for the job: the stability of it.

Yet, that is very important to me.

The moment I give it up, I will need to go by the rule of ' 手停口停' ('you get paid only on the day you work'). The day I rest or am sick is the day that my pay slips me by. I thought that a frightening idea.

I am not sure if it's really feasible for me.

Let me list down the pros and cons.

Pros of leaving the service:
1) I'll be a happy person for sure.
2) I no longer need to slog so hard just to earn a passing grade.
3) I no longer need to do lesson plans, which I hate.
4) I won't feel tired and depressed all day long.

Cons of leaving the service:
1) I won't get paid during the hols.
2) My pay will not be as stable.

Part of me feels that perhaps another school will be better. In fact, many ex-colleagues left this place and never looked back. They never fail to say that their new school is better - much better, in fact.

And I know that's true. This is not my first school. I have seen better teachers, better management, more meaningful programmes being run. This place loves inefficiencies and ineffectiveness, oh, and last-minute things. I have seen last-minute activities being run in other places, but none is as last-minute as this place.

But my main hangup is: this lousy place is going to give me an undesirable grade. Having just only one employer means that this grade will follow you for the rest of your life as long as you stay in this line. Your future bosses will also know that you're graded as such since your record will be sent to the new workplace.

I can't bear to walk around with this grade around my neck. It's very depressing, and humiliating.

That's my main reason for wanting to give up. If it didn't happen, I think I would never thought about quitting on a serious note, and even actively looking for another job.