Flowers, after some long years

He gave me this on that day:

We had a fight instead.

I know I shouldn't, but I did it anyway. I said he didn't have to give it to me since there wasn't an audience for it. He gave it to me at home, at about 6pm.

I was relieved that nobody talked about that darn Day at my workplace, until an unmarried clerk asked me about whether I was going out for a nice dinner. I had a mini explosion on how I hate the Day, and how lousy my husband was, that men suffer from amnesia about giving flowers or gifts for that Day, birthdays and anniversaries right after the marriage. The fact that she mentioned that 'many colleagues received flowers today' made it worse.

So after I had heard the wonderful things others' husbands and boyfriends had done and me done with my bitching, he gave me the flowers at a place nobody would know or see.

That detonated the bomb.

I said that it was clearly a last-minute effort.

He said he had tried to get it sent to my workplace that morning but the florists' delivery schedules were all full.

I said that's of course, because others' boyfriends and husbands had done it days way before that day.

After many bitter exchanges, he then said he did not have the money to buy the flowers in advance.

On the account that the expensive flowers came from a poor bloke, I let it go.

Some will say that I am unappreciative, ungrateful and blah blah blah.

But he knew all along that I love flowers. He was prompt with them before marriage.

He knew the romantic protocols of a guy in a relationship.

The fact remains that he is a changed person immediately after the marriage. I have not seen flowers for the longest time.

I wanted to smile at him when he gave the flowers, but I found myself crying while facing the computer.

I felt that I had a lot of grievances towards him. A lot. I felt that I could never see him as a dutiful husband ever.

A colleague shared that she told her husband, on an ordinary day, that he had not been getting flowers for her after marriage. He went out to get them immediately. She said,"Does that make me happy?"

I wished I could tell her,"My husband wouldn't even get them for me even if I said that."

I guess most women would wish they could be proud of their husbands.

I didn't think I was one of them. But I guess I do want someone I am proud of too. I don't put William's pictures on my facebook. I didn't know why at first. After a while, I realised it was because I didn't feel proud of such a husband. I could not feel proud of him. I am even worried that if anyone whom William owes money to sees him on my facebook, he would see or think about me negatively.

I tell myself that one day, when I ever feel proud of him, his pictures would be there.

I wished I could write a beautiful post about a beautiful subject, but I still couldn't.