Bursting

Today, Coco dropped me a bomb: she got 38/50 for her Chinese Oral Exam.

I felt very let-down, discouraged and angry, to say the least.

I have prepared a list of vocabulary which mainly consists of four-character phrases and/or proverbs to target common scenarios and behaviours ie. if she sees children playing, she ought to use adjectives to describe how they are playing; if she sees old men or old ladies, she is supposed to use a proverb and elaborate on how we should respect them etc.

I have also told her she should talk about her feelings as required by the Oral criteria.

Apparently, her teacher told her that she was weak in Picture Discussion and Conversation when before the exam, the same teacher told her she was weak in Reading.

And her teacher said that she did not mention her feelings.

I am very upset because I have told her, and repeatedly reminded her that she must not state just one feeling as one feeling is negligible. She should state a few instead.

I had an outburst of emotions in front of my parents because I was close to being devastated. It was a combination of disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness, helplessness, anger and sadness. I felt betrayed that Coco did not do her best, or even do what she was simply required to do despite being told over and over again.

When she returned from school after the Oral Exam, she told me that she did badly as she didn't know how to say the word 'tent' in Chinese.

I hit the roof because that very morning before she went to school, I had asked her to pay attention to the vocabulary in a Picture Discussion scenario, with a 'tent' being drawn in the picture!

I told her I didn't even mind that she didn't put in her 100%. I just wanted to see some effort on her part for her own exam. How can it be that her parents are more hardworking than her for the exam?!!

I honestly feel very let-down. It's at times like this that I hate to be a parent. I know I should not say this, but I'd wish I were single like some of my friends. They are mostly happy people, without the emotional, physical and financial burden of rearing children. How I have aged compared with friends who do not have kids! And whatever they earn, they save for themselves, or spend on themselves. And they don't have to take leave and give up their pay for kids. They don't have to fret over their exams, and rack their brains to coach them or prepare resources for them. I know it's childish, but how I wish I could turn the clock back to before I had kids!

God, help me ...