Living with a Sociopath, Narcissist and Domestic Violence

Wang Lee Hom's divorce had drawn much attention from Chinese fans of Chinese-majority countries.

I used to like Wang Lee Hom too. He broke into the Chinese pop music scene with a clean, squeaky schoolboy image. Marketed as an ABC (America-born Chinese) and an outstanding student in classical music, he was passionate about music and had insisted on going down the music route despite having better choices in life.

His first song and MTV I knew was Love Rival Beethoven (情敌贝多芬）. It was a breath of fresh air from all the fatigue of melancholic love ballads, so it was easy to remember.

However, although I do have a few female artistes that I fancy, I am hardly a passionate fan. I don't follow what they do in their private life closely.

The explosion of information was a huge revelation. I was surprised that Wong Lee Hom was a mess in his sex life. I am even more surprised that he's such a stingy man. The only difference between him and William is that he does not covet his ex-wife's possessions or money.

I noticed though, that he shared many similarities with William, being obsessively protective of his money from his ex-wife, being extremely selfish, does not spend time with his kids unless it's to promote a wholesome family man image, lies in the face of hard evidence and smears his victim's reputation among others.

The wife revealed that they had been to see psychologists or therapists and Wang Lee Hom was diagnosed to have Narcissist Personality Disorder.

I googled for 'Narcissist Personality Disorder' to find out more about it. Not surprisingly, William fits the bill, perfectly.

Earlier this year, a friend had mentioned that based on my brief description of William's behaviour, he sounded like he's a sociopath.

I denied it vehemently. My idea of a 'sociopath' is equivalent to a 'psychopath'. Hong Kong movies have often portrayed psychopaths as crazy men who kill anyone who bear a similarity to whom they have a personal agenda with so I thought she was gravely mistaken. She knew what I was thinking so she googled for the traits of a sociopath and sent it to me:

Consistent behavior patterns in sociopaths include:

• Lack of empathy for others

• Impulsive behavior

• Attempting to control others with threats or aggression 

• Using intelligence, charm, or charisma to manipulate others

• Not learning from mistakes or punishment

• Lying for personal gain

• Showing a tendency to physical violence and fights

• Generally superficial relationships

• Sometimes, stealing or committing other crimes

• Threatening suicide to manipulate without intention to act 

• Sometimes, abusing drugs or alcohol

• Trouble with responsibilities such as a job, paying bills, etc.

I was shocked. For every trait, I could think of at least one incident which he exhibited it. The only thing that was out was 'abusing drugs or alcohol', but in place of drug- or alcohol-addiction, William is addicted to pornography and he was addicted to gambling. Sociopaths have this tendency to be addicted to vices.

I delved into finding out more about narcissists. It turns out that all sociopaths are narcissists. 

Traits of narcissists:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance

• Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeus

• Needs constant praise and admiration

• Sense of entitlement

• Exploits others without guilt or shame

• Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies or belittles others

(https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm)

The answer was clear.

All these years, no one could tell that there's something wrong with him, just because he's not visibly deranged. 

I looked for support groups to join to understand NPD more. I found two and none was from Singapore. I think NPD is unheard of in Singapore. 

To my shock, the experiences described by the women in these support groups were uncannily similar to mine! I could relate to just about every one of their experiences and identify with the confusion and helplessness of these women. No one posted nasty comments. Everybody was supportive. When someone said she knew her partner is a narcissist and he's totally awful but she could not leave him, no one scolded her for being dumb or that she deserved it. They said it like it is: No one can make you make that decision to leave until you are sick and tired of being manipulated, lied to and cheated. When your spirit is completely shattered by him, we will be here for you.

I thought I was the only fool who stayed 16 years and beyond in a warped relationship, but many of them stayed longer, 20 years, 30 years and beyond.

Some of them had narcissistic parents, siblings or friends. I suspect that my elder sister is a narcissist as well although she does not lie or cheat, or take what does not belong to her, to reach her goal.

Wanting to find out more about NPD does not mean that I can't let go. For so many years, I was confused and could not understand why William did what he did, and does what he does. I kept saying I wanted to divorce him but I never did because he would promise to change, promise to do what I want, promise to be a responsible husband ... In my heart of hearts, I hoped some day, it would become true, yet, a part of me was sure that day would never come. But for normal human beings, we try our best to fulfil our promises. I thought he was a normal human being. I did not know that narcissists are good at faking future and making empty promises. I did not know that narcissists do not have a conscience. I did not know that narcissists do not care an eff for others' feelings.

I wished someone would tell me that he is a narcissist, a sociopath, and explain how being one affects his behaviour.

I kept giving him chances at the expense of my boundaries, my beliefs, my values, my faith, my kids.

If someone had told me about him being a narcissist, and I was educated on NPD, and that his behaviour constituted abuse, domestic violence, I would have divorced him.

I thought 'abuse' is only characterised by physical abuse. In fact, I dare say most people think only physical abuse is abuse. We think mental abuse and emotional abuse are nothing. 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

Do you have any idea how many times I had wished William would hit me instead?

My sis-in-law shared the same sentiment.

She once saw a video of William verbally abusing me. She said she could not accept that even once. I said that was nothing. He had done this almost on a daily basis for the last 15 years.

It is a shock to me that mental and emotional abuse is domestic violence. However, it is also clear to me that nobody recognised it. Nobody thought mental and emotional abuse is anything serious. Most people think: just don't take what he says seriously lah.

But the damages are irreparable. It destroys lives.

It gets me thinking if there's a way to increase awareness of NPD and that mental or emotional abuse is domestic violence in Singapore.

There is virtually no resources in Singapore. Our family counsellors and psychologists do not even know about NPD. At least they don't seem to be able to recognise the signs when I mention my experiences to them. None of them mentioned the word 'abuse', 'domestic violence' or 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' even once. The only person who ever mentioned that what William did amounted to abuse was a friend's pastor, who heard my story from my friend.

I wonder who else in Singapore is going through what I had gone through, not knowing that she's abused, like me.