Trauma of a Marriage

I woke up troubled and scared.

I had a long dream of myself remarrying my first ex in a haste. In the dream,  I was already remarried to him. It was a nightmare as everything was a replay of my life with William. There was shouting in the dream, endless doing of chores and the empathetic expression on his face. The Hong Kong show from three decades ago '大时代' ('The Greed of Man') was playing on the television in the background. It was so real, so real.

In the dream, I was scared and angry that I was entrapped in the same snare. It could not have been possible! How could I have got myself into the same trap again, and so soon too? What's going on? I was filled with the fear of having to divorce yet again, with the same person too. I literally saw the divorce cert in my mind in the dream.

I woke up with my eyes widened. I checked the time. 5.55am.

I sat up. I was part-relieved, part-scared. I tried to get it out of my head. It's not true. It's not real. I will not let it happen to me again.

But I was still scared.

I went to bathe.

I closed my eyes and buried my face in a towel to calm myself down.

I opened my Facebook and saw a cousin titled an album 'happy family'.

I looked at her pictures with her husband and two sons and wondered in resignation why a marriage comes 'easy' for others yet never for me.

She hashtagged 'everythingwaspreparedbymyman'.

It's a luxury that I would never know. Not even in my dreams would I understand what that means.

I thought of the friend who told me he would not marry to risk giving half his fortune to his ex-wife. 

He's probably right. He would never have to go through the trauma of a marriage.