Baby at 26th week

Actually I've lost track of the exact week of the pregnancy due to my busy work schedule. I can only try to make a close guess at it.

She's weighing at 992 g. Dr Ang said that she's on the big side and advised me to cut down on the carbo intake. I was quite shocked because my tummy is still quite small compared to other pregnant women.

He said that she's in an 'oblique' position, in which her head is on my tummy's upper right side, the body in the centre of my tummy and her legs at my tummy's bottoom left. 'Slanted' I call it.

She's very active. I can feel her kicks on a daily basis, and sometimes, she kicks on my bladder I think, which makes me feel as if my urine could come out.

I feel very guilty towards this baby. Up till now, I haven't got a name for her. And my job entails screaming at the kids and getting upset and angry very often. I know it's not good for the baby, but who can help it?

This pregnancy is certainly quite different from my experience with Coco. I continue to feel very tired - but it could also be due to the demanding nature of my job. I often have shoulder aches, and recently, I got backaches. Just last night, William and I quarrelled over the need to massage my back. He was very impatient and rubbed very hard on my back and shoulders. I got angry with him and screamed at him, accusing him of trying to make me suffer a miscarriage.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that the house is in a mess. Mess everywhere. Dining table, coffee table, platform, bedroom, Coco's bedroom, kitchen sink, even the basin where we brush our teeth - there was a worm swimming in some remaining water.

I know that it's not easy on William these few months. It's especially challenging to wake up at 5am every day without fail to prepare Coco for school. I myself can't do it. I was already struggling when William and I alternated on the days we get up early to prep her.

I packed some parts of the house, especially things that belong to Coco, and abit of mine. William is right in that the things that make the house messy are actually ours, not his. Sometimes I wonder if I've been too hard on William. He's never done a day of housework in his life before marriage. He's been trying, although the standard is still very far from my expectations. Perhaps I should be more forgiving towards his ineptness at doing housework. Or maybe I'm just finding an outlet to vent my frustrations at his debts. The debts are still there. His grandfather didn't manage to clear them for him. I'm very stressed up over his debts and his gambling habits.

Sometimes I wonder if all's been worth it to marry him so early to let Coco enter his alma mater. But Coco's everything to me. I remember promising myself to give her the best the moment I set my eyes on her 8 years ago. I haven't let this down. What is more important than giving her the best school she can go? I have wasted my youth on a jerk. It is of secondary importance to me that I'm going to spend another 10 years with another jerk. I'm just worried about the financial load he might bring on me, and Coco.

Coco's Ballet Class

I've decided to switch Coco to a different CC for her ballet class.

Previously under Kavana Dance, the teacher, Evangeline, was good. She demonstrated dance steps and taught conscientiously. After she left Kavana, the class was taught by another teacher and Coco's progress had been slow. In fact, I can't even recall who the teacher was now.

Then, in November last year, Kavana Dance pulled out of the CC all of a sudden, citing expiry of contractual agreement as the reason. Subsequently, Kirov took over. When I enquired with the teacher in January this year, the China-born teacher said that the kids will take their exam in November. I found the fact that the school put all the children, regardless of whether the kids have gone through Primary Ballet or any ballet grade for that matter, together in one big class, uncomfortable but since the teacher had assured me that the kids will take their exam in November, I decided not to pursue.

But subsequently, William and I feel that this Kirov Dance School is not as 'professional'. Coco does the same steps for most classes. The teacher takes 5 - 10 mins to take attendance when the actual class time is only 45 mins.

Much as I was tempted to pull Coco out and put her in another CC under the UK syllabus instead of the Australian one, I hung on because of the better timing and Coco's attachment to her friend, on top of the fact that the teacher will get the kids to take their ballet exam in November this year.

The last straw came when Coco told me two weeks ago that her ballet teacher told them that besides those who received the notification letter of exam date, the rest will take their exam in 2009!

I was indignant. After a little talk with the coordinator of Kirov, I decided to take Coco out of this ballet school.

In any case, I'd found Kirov quite dubious when I first enquired with another coordinator about the school. She said she couldn't tell me the actual name of the dance school and that Kirov is actually a name they created for this CC for the purpose of conducting ballet classes. I find it queer and unusual that you can't even divulge the original name of the school. It makes me wonder if there's something they are doing 'illegally' or moonlighting, or they already have the intention of running the ballet classes on a fly-by-night basis and are all ready to take flight once they don't work out.

Coco sprained her wrist

Coco sprained her right wrist during her gym lesson yesterday.

That spells two weeks' abstinance from physical activities. She asked the doc if he could excuse her from schoolwork. The doc laughed and said,"Excuse from schoolwork - that means excuse from school lor." And Coco said,"Don't want." The doc chuckled.

It's her best friend's birthday party today. She is invited to Kallang ice-skating rink to skate with the sweet girl, but her wrist handicapped her from doing so. I got William to take her there since her best friend only invited her and her neighbour. I'm very pleasantly amazed that her best friend really treats her as the 'best' friend she ever has. And Coco was telling us the other day that her best friend is hanging out with two other girls and seems to have distant herself from her. She was a little sad then. Apparently, the nice girl didn't have such ideas.

In a short tele-conversation with the girl's mother, I was surprised to know that private cars can only be allowed into the school compound after 2pm every day. That means Coco is only about 30 mins' different from kids who live near the school when she reaches home at about 2.30pm every day.

I really think that the school is so 'good' it's worth travelling for. The students are not as nasty as the ones in neighbourhood schools. The teachers can't be too lousy except for her previous Maths teacher, who had fortunately gone back to his hometown.

Recently, a Caucasian expat actually chose to move to Singapore, and within 1km of the school, and did parent-volunteer work with his wife for the school in order to get his daughter into this school. It makes me appreciate the fact that Coco can get into this school. Someone on a forum said that now, to have studied in a good school is like a legacy for our children. And I agree.

I've been seeing little girls as young as two or three screaming or throwing fists at their mothers in public places like the mrt train or void deck. I can't help but remember how sweet and gentle and obedient a child Coco was. She had never done all these spoilt-brat stunts before. That's one of the reasons I have difficulty getting myself to beat her with a cane.

Baby at 21st week

When I went for the detailed scan about 2 weeks ago, she weighed in at 392 g.

A very active fella. Facing up and down and swimming in the bag all the time.

I can't help but worry that she might turn down and demand a natural delivery. A 'natural' delivery doesn't sound or look natural to me at all. What with the injecting and cutting and stitching. Ouch!

But I really don't want to think too much about it now. I almost went crazy when I had Coco. And she came just like that, unexpectedly. I believe this baby will also come at a time least expected.

Surname issue

I've been very tired and stressed out, physically and mentally, and emotionally, which explains why I haven't been blogging.

It's quite depressing to blog about all the depressing stuff. And honestly, I didn't know what to do about this marriage. I want to go on, but yet I know I can't face myself if I have to act ignorant in order to continue with this marriage.

I smsed him last night that I am sure I want the baby to take after my surname, for the good of the baby, because I'm almost sure we'll divorce sooner or later. It's just a matter of time. I don't want people to quiz about the baby's surname after we're divorced. It'll be a pain - to the baby and to me.

I know he'll be hurt by my decision, but I don't want to do anything that will hurt the baby in the long run.

Up till now, he's still gambling, and betting. The worst thing is not the inability to kick this habit, but the fact that he denies doing it. He actually believes that denial is the way to go. Then what's the difference between him and those idiots in my class? When the boys commit a crime and you ask them why they did it, they flatly deny it,"No, I didn't do it." when clearly, they are the culprit.

I caught him red-handed at the betting counter, buying 4D and collecting money. I just didn't want to make a big hoo-ha in front of so many people although they could tell that things were amiss. I saw his friend's sms about buying against which team for the Euro soccer. When I asked him to stop betting, he said,"Crazy."

I told him I cannot imagine myself battling with his gambling and betting habits for the rest of my life. There were 3 types of men I told myself I must never marry: gamblers, drug addicts and unfaithful men. Because these men are wayward and would never change their ways. Very often, they think it's perfectly alright to ask their wives for money and bring the family down.

Little did I know I was marrying a gambler. And I have been trying very hard to make things work out. But no. One party's effort won't work. I don't want to waste my energy, my will and my patience on a wastrel anymore.

I know I will divorce him, but when - I really don't know. I hope to find a lawyer who doesn't drag things on and who doesn't discourage me from the divorce.

Sometimes I hate myself for not having enough courage to abort the baby. What's the point in bringing her to this world when I know I'm going to divorce him? I don't understand why he won't change for the sake of the baby. I don't understand what's so hard about kicking a habit that can only bring him down? I don't understand what's so difficult about understanding the logic that a true man doesn't take money from his wife. I don't understand why a man can actually ask his wife to borrow money from her sister and doesn't think his pride is hurt. I don't understand why a man doesn't think that it is his responsibility and obligation to feed the family. I don't understand why a man can think nothing of asking his wife to pay off his debts for him when he spends thousands on betting and gambling and doesn't support the wife or the child, whom he promised to provide for, and when the wife earns almost only half of what he does and is paying off her own study loan. I don't understand why a man can change at a 180 degree turn right after the wedding. I don't understand ...

My blog has been searched, recently, by people who googled for Quan Yifeng and her marriage. I admire her for her candidness about her marriage. I admire her that she's able to say there's no laughter in the marriage. Am I not like her? So why am I carrying on the marriage? I'm a nobody while she has lots to think about. She doesn't even want to say that she's happy so that 'nobody will laugh at me in the event a divorce takes place'.

Of course up till now, I still unrepentantly hope that William will wake up to his senses. I hope that he will kick his habit and not 'stop betting' only when there's no soccer seasons. I don't understand how a person can proclaim that he has stopped betting already when he knew in the heart of hearts that he will resume betting when there're soccer matches going on. I hate liars. I really do. I'm so painfully honest that I can't lie to save my own life. What makes you think I can live with a liar?

I don't want to put up with these humiliations anymore. He takes me for a fool and thinks that just by denying everything, I will be blinded and deceived. By closing my eyes and hoping that one day he will wake up to all his wrongdoings, he will repent and come back to me - I'm too naive.

He will not.

He's an utterly selfish man who cannot think for his family, much less love them.

I will find my own love. In my own way. A liar doesn't deserve to be honestly treated. I've given him respect that should not be due to him for too long. And I've stepped on myself for too long. He doesn't deserve my fidelity. He doesn't deserve Coco's love or respect either.

He doesn't.

In limbo

He said that his grandfather will help him pay back the credit card loans while he pays him back $2,000 every month. In addition, he'll give me $1,000 every month. Honestly, I don't believe that he'll give me $1,000. His old excuses will come up somehow,"I don't have the money""This month not enough.""Next week then I give you more." etc.

I honestly, badly, want to retain this marriage. I can't bear to see my kids ended up with no father at the time of birth. I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't want to have two kids with different surnames with me being a single mother. I don't want to give away my baby. I don't want to go through the process of a divorce. I don't want to fight over the custody of the child. I don't want to fight over the child's maintenance. I'm tired.

I don't know how long this marriage can last, but I'll stick it out for as long as I can, I guess.

TCS compere Quan Yifeng survived her unbalanced marriage with her being the sole breadwinner. It makes me think that perhaps there really would be a day that William might do better and we don't have to quarrel about money anymore.

I've been trying to talk to him about the possibility of running a business. Teaching is definitely not something we can do for a lifetime. But he's been evasive and reluctant. He's always using his debts as a hedge.

The ball is in his court

Sometimes I suspect I'm too lonely.

Apart from feeling weak and tired all day, I watched TV today for the whole of afternoon from 3pm till 7pm. The programmes sucked but I didn't know what to do else. I actually thought of going into forums to give my views.

Today I plucked up my courage to tell him that he has to give me his salary. If not, I'll divorce him. He said I'm forcing him to hand over his salary. Yes. I am. But I'm left with no choice. I told him I don't want to drag this on anymore. I'm very tired. It's either he agrees to it or I'll go find a lawyer next week. Our notion of a family is very different. Our values are very different. So what's the point in dragging on for the sake of a baby when I know that eventually things still won't work out? We're just buying time for the sake of wasting time. Unfortunately for me, I've got very little time to waste. I need to make up my mind fast. And exit fast if things don't work out. If only I didn't drag things on. I wouldn't have to endure this pregnancy while planning for a divorce, and bringing an innocent life on board with us when the ship is sinking.

I'm just so lonely and tired.