Hostage

Taiwanese singer A-mei has a song 'Hostage'.

It describes the way I feel about this marriage.

There's no basic trust in the marriage. And I feel I'm held hostage because I signed on the dotted line, plus the fact that this is supposed to be my 'second' marriage, which adds to my fear of getting a divorce 'again'.

I feel like a hostage. I wish to find a way out. Rather than living in fear and uncertainty every day, I hope he could pull the trigger on me and have everything go back to zero with a loud bang.

Sometimes I think of death. Would death be better for me, than worrying endlessly over when he'll ask me for money again, with no intention of repaying me, yet giving me promises that he will - 'tomorrow', 'next week', 'next month', 'next pay day' and eventually 'Stop pushing me! I don't have the money!'?

I'm supporting myself, and Coco. I don't want to end up supporting him as well. I made it very clear before the marriage that part of the reasons I'm marrying him is so that someone could help offload my financial burden. Instead of offloading mine, he expects me to help him with his soccer and credit card debts. It makes me feel that there's no point in this marriage. Not that I base it all on financial issues, but which woman would marry a man if she knows that the purpose of the marriage is so that she could support the man? There may be such women, but I don't think I'm that undesirable or unattractive that I have to resort to such measure to 'own' a man.

He was the one who refused to talk about sorting out the financial issues,"Just don't talk to me about money. I know what I'm doing." If you do not want to pay off the debts, and do not want me to help you sort it out, then basically, you don't have the rights to ask me for money to pay for the debts - and where the money goes, I really don't know. I've forked out $15,000. I don't have more money for you to cheat. The rest is for Coco. I will not be taken in again - for her sake, I will not.

At this point, I really want a divorce.

I really hope to be left alone with Coco. Live together with her and raise her up well. With all the fights and exchanges of hurtful words, I