Sick, and tired

I'm on MC for two days - bad flu.

Despite feeling as if I was about to die, I went out to buy picnic food for Coco after my visit to the doc last night.

I think I over-packed her bag with food: four sets of triangles of bread with ham, a sultana croissant, two pandan chiffon, two chocolate cakes with mashmallow cream, a packet of poki, a box of collon (or is it 'colon'?), and two packets of little bread cakes. The tit-bits are for her to share with her friends, since she's so avid about it.

This is barely the third week that we discovered my pregnancy, but already, William is starting to lose his stamina. He actually said 'NO!' when I requested for him to move away from the coffee table during his dinner time because the strong smells of his food were too much for me. This morning, he said 'NO!' when I asked if he could make the ham sandwiches for Coco. So in the end, I had to do it myself.

Actually, I, and the rest of the world, can foresee that he'll continue to be the irresponsible father and husband that he already is, eight months down the road. What's the chance of him changing for the better if he's still like this more than 2 years after we're married?

It's so true that the most important matter for a woman is whether she marries well.

If he'd been a responsible husband, I don't have to shed tears over my pregnancy. I don't have to think so hard, and go through all the emotional and mental turmoil over the baby and my future, as well as Coco's.

The foetus' turning 9 weeks.

I need my job. I can't afford to lose it. But the pregnancy's been making me weak and tired and sickly. I'm worried that I would get a D grade this September.

I think about when I can get divorced from him.

There's no way I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. At some point, I'm sure I'll become vulnerable to another person given the way this marriage goes. It's a hard life. Miserable. Tiring. Stressful. Uncertain. Insecure.

I was telling a friend how I'm starting to hate being a Christian.

It was because I see myself as a Christian that I hold on to this marriage so dearly, despite him treating me so shabbily after promising great things, because divorce is wrong according to the Bible. In the end, I get myself into trouble because I stay on in this marriage - I get pregnant. And because I'm a Christian, I'm not supposed to take a life. And my misery will continue for the rest of my life because I'm married to this jerk. And I'm not supposed to go for another relationship because that would be akin to committing adultery. So I'm supposed to call 'misery' my life?

I think I've done my best to abide by all these fucked up values. I'm sick of these values that make my life a mess.

You may say that my life is a mess because I married the wrong man, which is absolutely true.

Or maybe the people who had condemned me for remarrying are just damn right: divorcees ought to be obedient and stay unmarried for the rest of their lives. Probably the Bible had foreseen that life for women who remarry would be just as hard, if not harder, and that's why the advice. Just that it wasn't put across in exactly a nice way.

Nausea time

I've been feeling horrible.

Lots of phlegm which gets stuck at the upper part of the throat. They make me feel nauseous and yet I can't get them out for good.

I don't eat well. Everything seems to be greasy and oily. The greasy smell makes me feel nauseous as well.

I used to be a big fan of rice, but now I don't eat rice very much. It tastes bland and has to go with something else which is usually greasy and oily, which makes me nauseous.

Yesterday, we had to recce the zoo for the two-day excursion next week. I found myself getting tired easily and short-breathed. I hope all will go well for the two-day trip next week.

Oh yes, I've constipation. Very often. It's a painful process trying to get those rock-hard matter out of the rear hole. I actually squatted on the sitting toilet bowl to try to get it going. Last night, I had to bring one of the 'rocks' to bed because it refused to budge. I drank some water and had an apple before it finally came out this morning.

Decision

It's been a week since my last entry.

I've been deliberating, and crying, over whether I should keep the baby. I don't know which is more obvious - aborting the baby since the marriage is so rocky and we're in financial deficit, or keeping the baby since I'm a pro-life person, or rather, I am a coward who don't have the courage to lie on that operation bed.

I don't know how the other women and even young girls do it. There's a million voices inside you asking you, pleading with you, not to inflict that excruciating pain, and eventually, death, on an innocent life. I wish I can be more hard-hearted. I'm rational and logical, but I can't bring myself to lie on that bed. I can't imagine myself telling the nurse that I still want to go ahead with the abortion after I'm forced to watch that infamous abortion video - a standard procedure before you can proceed with the actual act.

I tried telling myself that it's just a mass of cells at this stage and that no pain can be felt, that it doesn't have any consciousness, although I know it has a heartbeat now.

I don't want to disappoint Coco by telling her that the baby's gone. I don't want to lie to her that I want the baby and do away with it on the sly. I've not lied to her for as far as I can remember.

I was reading an online journal of an unwilling mother-to-be. Her marriage was on the rocks, and her husband was reluctant to have another child. She wrote "I'm unhappy about the pregnancy" and Coco happened to pass by and read it. She got a shock and asked me in her innocent voice,"Mummy, are you unhappy about the pregnancy? Are you unhappy about the pregnancy?" I had to explain to her that that wasn't written by me. She was unconvinced at first. I had to show her all the evidence that proved that it wasn't mine, including showing her the date on which it was recorded, the toddler's picture on the author's avatar space.

She even got a name ready for the baby - Sophia.

On Wednesday night, I was at my mother's place to pick her up. My mother gave me a bowl of bird's nest. She said,"She (pointing at Coco) told me,'Can you cook something for my mother to eat? My mother has a baby inside her.'"

She's going to be a great sister.

Resting at home

I'm home today because the doc gave me a jab for spotting yesterday and asked me to rest. He said the bleeding might continue into the 12th week and that there's no need for alarm unless it's heavier than my heaviest day.

I'm worried though.

It sounds queer to me that a pregnant woman should bleed for 7 weeks. I was abit depressed that the bleeding goes on, but I guess they are right. If you're meant to keep it, it will stay and if you aren't, then it's probably the nature's way of telling you the foetus' not healthy.

William has been trying to do as much as he can so that I don't exert myself. I hope this lovingness can last for a long time. If it continues and he continues to pay off his debts, I can foresee that we'd have more peaceful times ahead.

I'm thinking about how to break the news to my parents. They'll probably be worried. They might even ask me to reconsider the possibility of removing the foetus. I'm still thinking about how to tell it to them without giving them a heart attack.

Isn't this funny? It's not like I'm unwed now. But yet, I'm still hesitant and unsure about how to let my parents in on this.

Great Expectations

I had been having some brown discharge.

It didn't occur to me that I could be pregnant because divorce has been on the card for weeks ever since CNY.

Yesterday, a colleague was telling me that the stress level of our job may cause a change in the ovulation pattern, and that I should get it checked out - to determine if it's pregnancy or infection. And if it's infection, I can seek treatment early.

I went to get a pregnancy kit that requires the shortest wait-time for the result to be revealed. I couldn't stand having to endure the torment of waiting for 5 mins.

And the kit indicated 2 lines, which meant I was pregnant.

I went to a gynae today. He confirmed that the foetus was 6 weeks old.

William and I quarrelled over the baby issue last night. I had thoughts about not keeping the baby, although I'm sure I'm not able to deal with taking a life. But the thought of using a baby to sustain the marriage shuddered me. And if I really abort the baby, I would be 'released' from the marriage.

William insisted, as usual, that we keep the baby. I was agitated and asked him,"What's the use of keeping the baby? Why do you need the baby?"

He got even more agitated,"What do you mean 'what's the use'? What can I do with a baby? How can a baby be useful to me? Why do I want to keep Coco? How do I need her? I want the baby because it belongs to us."

So that sort of decided on the keeping or not issue.

I haven't been able to eat well. I find alot of food very greasy and oily. Sometimes my stomach growls and I don't have the appetite.

Just tonight, we were at the coffeeshop downstairs. I asked for a bowl of minced meat noodles after thinking over what I wanted to eat. But the first bite into the noodles and I felt that it was too salty, which William agreed. And when William's food came, I saw the broccoli and cauliflowers, and I wanted to eat them instead. In the end, I had a bowl of plain porridge with the veggie.

I get the feeling that it's going to be a girl, because the symptoms are similar to what I went through when I had Coco.

The Bag Boy

My 'bag boy', as William calls him, has been changing for the better.

Just the other day, Thursday I think, he took a girl's pencil case when I wasn't around. When the monitor tried to get it back from him, he 'banged my head against (another boy)'s head'. I screamed at him and asked him loudly if what he did was right or wrong. He kept quiet. And at some point, he turned and stared at those victims who laughed at him for being scolded. I demanded that he apologised to his victims. He refused to budge and I left him alone while I briefed my kids on other matters. Then suddenly, he stormed over to the monitor and shouted,"SORRY!" in an unapologetic manner. I was very mad. I screamed,"Don't accept the apology!" And I went on to scream at him for his poor attitude, that he didn't mean it at all. He stuck his fingers into his ears and refused to listen.

After that, I went on to do other things. Then after about 5 to 10 mins later, I saw him going to his friend (the 'another boy') to apologise meekly and hugged him. After that, he went over to the monitor and the girl to apologise and offered his hand to make up with them. The girl couldn't decide. I told her I was not going to decide if she should accept it or not, but if she felt that he's sincere, she may want to accept it. And she did.

Some time later, I took the bag boy out and asked him why he apologised. He smiled widely and said,"I go and think already, I think I'm wrong lah."

I went on to ask him why he always doesn't bring his stationery. He replied that his father shouted at him when he asked for money to buy pencils,"Go away lah! I got my own problem!"

I feel so sorry for him. He reminds me of another 'naughty' boy in my previous school. I'm going to buy a set of stationery for him tomorrow.

Tireder

I feel very tired.

It's a 6-day week for me. When I came home at 2pm just now, I was literally sprawled on the bed.

It's that darn cca that required me to work on a Saturday, and the DM had just prepared me for more of such 'incidents' this morning by informing me that such events always fall on Saturdays.

I really regret taking up this cca. I did contemplate rejecting this cca because I have never been interested in ccas of this nature, but William kept dissuading me from the idea. He insisted that only 1 Saturday is required for its briefing and that it's a very 'relaxed' cca.

Darn him!

I've never viewed ccas as my focus when I first wanted to teach. Even when I started teaching, I treat ccas as an extra burden to teachers and never took it seriously. But now, this nonsensical cca is going to be my main focus in my work, and it's going to eat into my time with Coco.

The teacher-in-charge had informed me that there may be a 3D2N trip up Malaysia, a Pulau Ubin tracking and Bt Timah Hill hike, as well as June and Dec 3D2N camps.

I feel so ... stupid!

I just feel like getting some medical reason letter from the doc and get transferred out of the school.

William just called as I was making this entry. He got a earful of blasting from me.

I'm very depressed.