Decision

It's been a week since my last entry.

I've been deliberating, and crying, over whether I should keep the baby. I don't know which is more obvious - aborting the baby since the marriage is so rocky and we're in financial deficit, or keeping the baby since I'm a pro-life person, or rather, I am a coward who don't have the courage to lie on that operation bed.

I don't know how the other women and even young girls do it. There's a million voices inside you asking you, pleading with you, not to inflict that excruciating pain, and eventually, death, on an innocent life. I wish I can be more hard-hearted. I'm rational and logical, but I can't bring myself to lie on that bed. I can't imagine myself telling the nurse that I still want to go ahead with the abortion after I'm forced to watch that infamous abortion video - a standard procedure before you can proceed with the actual act.

I tried telling myself that it's just a mass of cells at this stage and that no pain can be felt, that it doesn't have any consciousness, although I know it has a heartbeat now.

I don't want to disappoint Coco by telling her that the baby's gone. I don't want to lie to her that I want the baby and do away with it on the sly. I've not lied to her for as far as I can remember.

I was reading an online journal of an unwilling mother-to-be. Her marriage was on the rocks, and her husband was reluctant to have another child. She wrote "I'm unhappy about the pregnancy" and Coco happened to pass by and read it. She got a shock and asked me in her innocent voice,"Mummy, are you unhappy about the pregnancy? Are you unhappy about the pregnancy?" I had to explain to her that that wasn't written by me. She was unconvinced at first. I had to show her all the evidence that proved that it wasn't mine, including showing her the date on which it was recorded, the toddler's picture on the author's avatar space.

She even got a name ready for the baby - Sophia.

On Wednesday night, I was at my mother's place to pick her up. My mother gave me a bowl of bird's nest. She said,"She (pointing at Coco) told me,'Can you cook something for my mother to eat? My mother has a baby inside her.'"

She's going to be a great sister.