My cravings, leading to pondering about my life

Recently, I've started to crave for thick soup, like the seafood soup with dried scallops as its base near my mother's place, the chicken soup William's mother cooks, the fish soup my father brews. I find myself leaning towards salty tastebud.

This morning, I called my mother to ask her to cook chicken curry for me. I adore her chicken curry, with thick coconut milk, and not too spicy. She obliged immediately and went out to get some chicken wings, because I specifically asked for chicken wings.

Sometimes I wonder how I can survive if my parents are gone.

They are not even saved yet. I don't know how I'm going to get them saved, with the kind of testimony I bear. It's an embarrassment to Christ.

The other day, I saw my mother from afar, with Baby Eden. My elder sister said,'There she is!' I had my doubts: Can that be Mother? This woman is full of grey and white hair. My mother has black hair. Upon walking closer, I realised it was indeed her. How long ago was it that I last took a good look at her? She has aged.

And my father. His lines have deepened and multiplied. And his hair too. More and more white strands have sprung up. He's an old man now.

And I haven't let them enjoy their golden years.

I've wasted so much of my life not knowing what to do, what I can do, and who to love and marry. For 6 years of my life, I didn't get a proper job. I often wonder how different things would be if I were recruited into NIE right after my A levels. It was because I couldn't pass the proficiency test which required you to speak into the radio that I couldn't get in. For 6 years of my life, I drifted in and out of jobs: clinic assistant, receptionist, secretary, admin assistant, tuition teacher ... without knowing where I can go. I wasn't interested in anything. Didn't know where else I can go. I went to do a degree in Banking and Finance at SIM after a few years, only to realise I'm indeed a flop at Maths, and quitted after one year. I went to do a secretary diploma, just to realise I was pregnant. While resting at home during the pregnancy, my mother was sweeping the floor and saw a teaching brochure dropped out and asked if it was mine. I said no because it's been years since I last applied for teaching and the brochure looked different from the ones I used to receive. I looked at it anyway and realised that the criteria for teaching has changed. It was bad news for O level English - it got upgraded from a B4 to B3, but good news for A level GP - it got downgraded from A2 to B3.

Subsequently, I applied for teaching again after Coco's birth. And got in effortlessly because of my GP. I didn't have to endure yet another painful experience of speaking into a radio. Since then, it's a turning point of my life.

William was surprised to know that GP was once prized at A2 for the entrance criteria. He would have to go for the proficiency test too if he had applied for teaching earlier.

You just can't help but wonder,"If only the entrance criteria wasn't that strict ..." I would have had an additional 6 years of teaching experience. Those years of working experiences 'outside' were not exactly pleasant or memorable. And the salaries were very meagre. My 'fate' would have been extremely different. I would be richer, had my degree earlier, although I can't say for sure if I would still get such a good degree.

I really appreciate those interviewers who accepted me, even though I'd daringly rejected the teaching contracts offered thrice - I didn't want to teach for one full year untrained, and not knowing for sure if I would be accepted into NIE after that. I didn't have the confidence of passing the proficiency test and you need to pass the proficiency test before you can be accepted into NIE even when you've done a year of contract teaching. On hindsight, I had even 'boldly' requested for half a year of contract teaching instead of the one year offered, which they obliged! I didn't know that it's a privilege that I could request for it and get it granted until an ex-colleague was sharing how difficult it was to get in then.