Melancholic thoughts and ramblings

I was on my way home in a colleague's car when a female colleague and the driving colleague's wife-to-be were also in the car, and discussing about when they are going to transfer school.

And they mentioned that a male colleague is going to get the transfer at the end of this year, while the three of them who were in the car with me are planning for a transfer next year.

It just makes me feel ... insecure? Or perhaps 'insecure' isn't the right word. I'm not sure what that feeling is. Or perhaps it's a mixture of feelings ie. a bit lost, a bit of fear, a bit of wondering where all this will get me (which sounds like 'lost' as well).

I'd wanted a transfer very badly when I was first posted here. I felt myself drowning in a whirlpool of inefficiencies and ineffectiveness, constantly feeling exasperated and frustrated with the appallingly silly systems at this place. But I guess I'm highly adaptable, just like how I adapt to an impossible husband. After some time, I started to find security in the inefficiencies and ineffectiveness, just like how I find security in this marriage's uncertainties and insecurities.

After alighting the car, the female colleague said that her husband will kill her, if the fatigue wouldn't, for travelling 1 h 45 min to her workplace every day. The word 'husband' lingered on my mind for that 15 minutes' journey home. I thought it really nice to have someone you can call 'husband' and feel like he takes care of you well. Unfortunately, I never have the fortune to do that. To call a man my 'husband'. Doesn't that have a nice ring to it?

I wouldn't say that William is my husband, although in the eyes of the law he is. But that's just it - in the eyes of the law.

He's not fit to be anyone's husband, for the bastard that he is.

I can almost hear a retort,"So why aren't you divorcing him?"

Let's just say it's my punishment. I probably don't deserve a good man for a husband.