Taiwanese singer A-mei has a song 'Hostage'.
It describes the way I feel about this marriage.
There's no basic trust in the marriage. And I feel I'm held hostage because I signed on the dotted line, plus the fact that this is supposed to be my 'second' marriage, which adds to my fear of getting a divorce 'again'.
I feel like a hostage. I wish to find a way out. Rather than living in fear and uncertainty every day, I hope he could pull the trigger on me and have everything go back to zero with a loud bang.
Sometimes I think of death. Would death be better for me, than worrying endlessly over when he'll ask me for money again, with no intention of repaying me, yet giving me promises that he will - 'tomorrow', 'next week', 'next month', 'next pay day' and eventually 'Stop pushing me! I don't have the money!'?
I'm supporting myself, and Coco. I don't want to end up supporting him as well. I made it very clear before the marriage that part of the reasons I'm marrying him is so that someone could help offload my financial burden. Instead of offloading mine, he expects me to help him with his soccer and credit card debts. It makes me feel that there's no point in this marriage. Not that I base it all on financial issues, but which woman would marry a man if she knows that the purpose of the marriage is so that she could support the man? There may be such women, but I don't think I'm that undesirable or unattractive that I have to resort to such measure to 'own' a man.
He was the one who refused to talk about sorting out the financial issues,"Just don't talk to me about money. I know what I'm doing." If you do not want to pay off the debts, and do not want me to help you sort it out, then basically, you don't have the rights to ask me for money to pay for the debts - and where the money goes, I really don't know. I've forked out $15,000. I don't have more money for you to cheat. The rest is for Coco. I will not be taken in again - for her sake, I will not.
At this point, I really want a divorce.
I really hope to be left alone with Coco. Live together with her and raise her up well. With all the fights and exchanges of hurtful words, I
Sunday, 26 August 2007
Monday, 13 August 2007
A battle within me
Things have been well for us these one or two weeks.
Thoughts of divorce continued to linger in my mind since the last post. But about two weeks ago, he smsed me,"I don't want to quarrel with you. I want us to have a week without quarrels." I was moved. Subsequently, I could see that he's making efforts to avoid fights with me. He would try to get things done the way I want them to. He minimised his procrastination time. He gave me a stipulated time for what he would do for the chores. We haven't had too big a fight these two weeks.
Thoughts of divorce still nag in my head sometimes because I hate to nag. Very often, I ask myself if I want to spend the rest of my life nagging at a man. To me, asking him to do a thing twice is as good as nagging already. But sometimes, I wonder if I'm trying to look for excuses for a divorce.
A cousin is finally going for a divorce after having 5 kids and a marriage of close to twenty years. She said to my elder sister,"Congratulate me. I've decided to let it go at last. I'm finally getting a divorce." I feel that it's really sad if a woman only gets a divorce after 20 years of unhappiness. What's there to be left for the woman? I shudder to imagine myself going down this route even 5 years later, or worse, 10 or 20 years later. I would feel that my whole life is wasted on a bastard and hate myself for not leaving him earlier.
At the same time, I wonder if it's right (actually, I know it's wrong) for me to hold all these thoughts of divorce. Divorce is not from God. Yet, another part of me asks if I should continue to hold onto a marriage that does not make me happy just because God frowns upon divorces.
There're times when I wish he is unfaithful to me, so that I have a 'valid' reason to divorce him. I don't know what it takes for a woman to hope that her husband strays.
Things are well now. But deep down in my heart, I know it's only a matter of time that we fight, and loudly at that, again.
As long as the issues are there, it's impossible for us to live happily ever after.
He's still buying soccer bets after two warnings from me that I would certainly leave him if he buys them again.
Although they are in smaller amounts, I'm not sure if I should tolerate this habit. It disturbs me that he does not regard my warnings very much. Either that or it's because he is sure that I will not leave him even if I find out that he's still betting on soccer.
I continue to worry over his credit card debts.
I don't know when they will be settled. Is he really going to take 10 years to repay them? I really don't know.
He mentioned about the reno loan yesterday and reminded me that I promised to help take it up. I didn't say anything, but honestly, my take is this: if the renovation had been worthwhile, I wouldn't mind help paying for it. But the house is in a half-renovated condition, with lousy workmanship. I know I'll feel unbalanced if I help pay for it. Afterall, he was the one who insisted on using this contractor against my wish. He insisted on paying the contractor one lump sum of $11k even before he started on it. And the contractor kept refusing to complete the work and going back on what's stated on his invoices when he finally started any work at all. It gave me so much stress and caused me alot of distress. And it strained our relationship badly. It was a total mistake to take that contractor up because it changed our relationship as well. It made me lose my respect for him for making such a lousy decision, and not being able to get the contractor to do his work. It totally didn't worth the money and effort. Paying for the reno loan would remind me of all these pains.
He was talking about shifting house one or two years later.
I doubt it will come true. Firstly, very few people, if there's any, will want to buy our second-floor flat. Secondly, the contractor had done some illegal stuff in our flat without the hdb's approval. We would be fined and required to restore things in their original state at our own expense if we want to put it up for sale. Thirdly, I have my reservations about continuing to live with him. I seriously don't know how long this marriage will last. I wish I can stop having such thoughts, but I can't help it.
Thoughts of divorce continued to linger in my mind since the last post. But about two weeks ago, he smsed me,"I don't want to quarrel with you. I want us to have a week without quarrels." I was moved. Subsequently, I could see that he's making efforts to avoid fights with me. He would try to get things done the way I want them to. He minimised his procrastination time. He gave me a stipulated time for what he would do for the chores. We haven't had too big a fight these two weeks.
Thoughts of divorce still nag in my head sometimes because I hate to nag. Very often, I ask myself if I want to spend the rest of my life nagging at a man. To me, asking him to do a thing twice is as good as nagging already. But sometimes, I wonder if I'm trying to look for excuses for a divorce.
A cousin is finally going for a divorce after having 5 kids and a marriage of close to twenty years. She said to my elder sister,"Congratulate me. I've decided to let it go at last. I'm finally getting a divorce." I feel that it's really sad if a woman only gets a divorce after 20 years of unhappiness. What's there to be left for the woman? I shudder to imagine myself going down this route even 5 years later, or worse, 10 or 20 years later. I would feel that my whole life is wasted on a bastard and hate myself for not leaving him earlier.
At the same time, I wonder if it's right (actually, I know it's wrong) for me to hold all these thoughts of divorce. Divorce is not from God. Yet, another part of me asks if I should continue to hold onto a marriage that does not make me happy just because God frowns upon divorces.
There're times when I wish he is unfaithful to me, so that I have a 'valid' reason to divorce him. I don't know what it takes for a woman to hope that her husband strays.
Things are well now. But deep down in my heart, I know it's only a matter of time that we fight, and loudly at that, again.
As long as the issues are there, it's impossible for us to live happily ever after.
He's still buying soccer bets after two warnings from me that I would certainly leave him if he buys them again.
Although they are in smaller amounts, I'm not sure if I should tolerate this habit. It disturbs me that he does not regard my warnings very much. Either that or it's because he is sure that I will not leave him even if I find out that he's still betting on soccer.
I continue to worry over his credit card debts.
I don't know when they will be settled. Is he really going to take 10 years to repay them? I really don't know.
He mentioned about the reno loan yesterday and reminded me that I promised to help take it up. I didn't say anything, but honestly, my take is this: if the renovation had been worthwhile, I wouldn't mind help paying for it. But the house is in a half-renovated condition, with lousy workmanship. I know I'll feel unbalanced if I help pay for it. Afterall, he was the one who insisted on using this contractor against my wish. He insisted on paying the contractor one lump sum of $11k even before he started on it. And the contractor kept refusing to complete the work and going back on what's stated on his invoices when he finally started any work at all. It gave me so much stress and caused me alot of distress. And it strained our relationship badly. It was a total mistake to take that contractor up because it changed our relationship as well. It made me lose my respect for him for making such a lousy decision, and not being able to get the contractor to do his work. It totally didn't worth the money and effort. Paying for the reno loan would remind me of all these pains.
He was talking about shifting house one or two years later.
I doubt it will come true. Firstly, very few people, if there's any, will want to buy our second-floor flat. Secondly, the contractor had done some illegal stuff in our flat without the hdb's approval. We would be fined and required to restore things in their original state at our own expense if we want to put it up for sale. Thirdly, I have my reservations about continuing to live with him. I seriously don't know how long this marriage will last. I wish I can stop having such thoughts, but I can't help it.
Coco's furniture
It's been a month since I last blogged.
Didn't have motivation to blog because my friend who is an avid blogger, for some reason, stopped blogging. I used to blog just about the same time as she did because I felt 'Hey, this reason got can blog ah?', and so I blogged, with credit of inspirations from her.
Yesterday we went to Ikea to shop for Coco's wardrobe and mirror. I saw a matching bookshelf which I thought would help to make her room tidier and decided to get it too. I had in mind a full-length mirror for her room, but in the end, I got her a round mirror with mosiac-like mirroring squares around the mirror which she liked very much. It costs me $460 in total. What a way to spend my pay the second day it's out!
I don't really want her to wait for her bedroom to be done up anymore. I feel that she's waited long enough, ever since we moved into this flat. She's all excited over the cupboard. I'll sew a nice organza curtain for her bookshelf so that it doesn't collect dust so easily and tie it up with ribbons at the side when she needs the books.
Didn't have motivation to blog because my friend who is an avid blogger, for some reason, stopped blogging. I used to blog just about the same time as she did because I felt 'Hey, this reason got can blog ah?', and so I blogged, with credit of inspirations from her.
Yesterday we went to Ikea to shop for Coco's wardrobe and mirror. I saw a matching bookshelf which I thought would help to make her room tidier and decided to get it too. I had in mind a full-length mirror for her room, but in the end, I got her a round mirror with mosiac-like mirroring squares around the mirror which she liked very much. It costs me $460 in total. What a way to spend my pay the second day it's out!
I don't really want her to wait for her bedroom to be done up anymore. I feel that she's waited long enough, ever since we moved into this flat. She's all excited over the cupboard. I'll sew a nice organza curtain for her bookshelf so that it doesn't collect dust so easily and tie it up with ribbons at the side when she needs the books.
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Wrrring louder than ever ...
I'm seriously contemplating divorce. The call of divorce is at my ear for months, and it's getting louder than ever.
Last night, he jolted me up from sleep at 1.30am and ranted at me for spending too much time on the phone. Coco was also frightened and woken up from her sleep.
I'm so sick of his acts of washing dirty linen in public, what more at home, so that the whole block and opposite blocks of flats could hear how victimised he is by a horrible wife.
I'm sick of him frightening the daylight out of Coco and having her to think that marriage is all about fighting. How else can you have a then six-year-old to say that she's not going to get married?
He called Huiyi at 1.37am to tell her that he would appreciate it if she doesn't call after ten. She was shocked and had a new 'insight' on his character.
She would probably understands well, if not best, how hard this marriage has been for me.
My father says to divorce if it is always like this - 'got married to be tortured for what?'
I'm tired. Physically, emotionally.
I want out.
Last night, he jolted me up from sleep at 1.30am and ranted at me for spending too much time on the phone. Coco was also frightened and woken up from her sleep.
I'm so sick of his acts of washing dirty linen in public, what more at home, so that the whole block and opposite blocks of flats could hear how victimised he is by a horrible wife.
I'm sick of him frightening the daylight out of Coco and having her to think that marriage is all about fighting. How else can you have a then six-year-old to say that she's not going to get married?
He called Huiyi at 1.37am to tell her that he would appreciate it if she doesn't call after ten. She was shocked and had a new 'insight' on his character.
She would probably understands well, if not best, how hard this marriage has been for me.
My father says to divorce if it is always like this - 'got married to be tortured for what?'
I'm tired. Physically, emotionally.
I want out.
Friday, 6 July 2007
Distance vs Excellence
I'm starting to get worried over Coco's schooling matter.
I wonder if distance is really the crux - she's falling sick quite often, and she doesn't get enough sleep every day.
Although she's happy in this school, and I really think that this school is good for her in terms of academic development, I can't say the same about her actual lifestyle. She wakes up at 5am, boards the schoolbus at 5.40am, reaches home at 2.30pm or almost 3pm sometimes, bathes, drinks milk and sleeps at 3.30pm, wakes up at 8.30pm or 9pm, does her homework till 11pm and goes to sleep at almost 12am. And the cycle begins all over again and she doesn't get enough sleep the next day, again.
I've been wanting to train her to do her work when she gets home from school, afterwhich get her to sleep by 9pm. But because my father is the one with her in the afternoon, he allows her to get into the vicious cycle of not having enough sleep because of the nature of a doting grandfather.
Perhaps I should set up a timetable for her to follow, and get my father to follow it too. But at the same time, I have no confidence that my father will follow it through.
I know that this school is appropriate for her. The environment is really quite ideal, saved for a rich brat's bragging. Not that I'm racist, but I really don't want her to be in an environment where half the class population is made up of a certain race. It's purely because this particular race does not have the concept of academic excellence. I know too well how teachers try very hard to match the standard of the class and I do not want Coco to be stimulated less than what she deserves.
And because the ministers send their kids to the school as well, I can be sure that the school is not messed up in their staff arrangement. They probably try to reduce the number of relief teachers over there as well. I cannot imagine Coco having irresponsible relief teachers (like the one I experienced myself earlier on) or helpless contract teachers as any one of her teachers if she were in a neighbourhood school.
I'm trying to think of a way to get near the school:
1. Renting a condo near the school
2. Learning to drive and buying a car subsequently
3. Moving to HDB areas nearer to the school, like Clementi or Toa Payoh, Bishan etc.
But each option requires lots of money for it to work.
I wonder if distance is really the crux - she's falling sick quite often, and she doesn't get enough sleep every day.
Although she's happy in this school, and I really think that this school is good for her in terms of academic development, I can't say the same about her actual lifestyle. She wakes up at 5am, boards the schoolbus at 5.40am, reaches home at 2.30pm or almost 3pm sometimes, bathes, drinks milk and sleeps at 3.30pm, wakes up at 8.30pm or 9pm, does her homework till 11pm and goes to sleep at almost 12am. And the cycle begins all over again and she doesn't get enough sleep the next day, again.
I've been wanting to train her to do her work when she gets home from school, afterwhich get her to sleep by 9pm. But because my father is the one with her in the afternoon, he allows her to get into the vicious cycle of not having enough sleep because of the nature of a doting grandfather.
Perhaps I should set up a timetable for her to follow, and get my father to follow it too. But at the same time, I have no confidence that my father will follow it through.
I know that this school is appropriate for her. The environment is really quite ideal, saved for a rich brat's bragging. Not that I'm racist, but I really don't want her to be in an environment where half the class population is made up of a certain race. It's purely because this particular race does not have the concept of academic excellence. I know too well how teachers try very hard to match the standard of the class and I do not want Coco to be stimulated less than what she deserves.
And because the ministers send their kids to the school as well, I can be sure that the school is not messed up in their staff arrangement. They probably try to reduce the number of relief teachers over there as well. I cannot imagine Coco having irresponsible relief teachers (like the one I experienced myself earlier on) or helpless contract teachers as any one of her teachers if she were in a neighbourhood school.
I'm trying to think of a way to get near the school:
1. Renting a condo near the school
2. Learning to drive and buying a car subsequently
3. Moving to HDB areas nearer to the school, like Clementi or Toa Payoh, Bishan etc.
But each option requires lots of money for it to work.
Friday, 22 June 2007
Insomnia: my job
I can't get to sleep.
I find teaching really stressful. Not the 'teaching', you know? It's the miscellaneous, nitty gritty administrative stuff that really gets on your nerve.
I'm bothered by the inefficiency of the school. I can't believe it. I've been in the school for almost two months and I don't even have a generic password for the common computers. And I don't even have a laptop just yet. I have to wait till school reopens, and after the laptop is given to me, I don't know how long more I have to wait before it can start servicing me. God knows what else is involved in the starting to use of the laptop!
Tomorrow, or rather, today, later, in about 4.5 hours, I'll have to be in school. And I can't sleep! I have to remember to do this and that, ask this and that so that I can do this and that. I hate the job because of all these mundane stuff. And it's not like I procrastinate. Others procrastinate and I have to bear the brunt of it. I can't work on the admin stuff without a laptop at my work station. It's just not working well doing them at home. I have to delay all my questions and doubts till the next working day before I can get to even ask them. And it doesn't mean that I get the answers straight away.
I don't understand why teaching can't be like what our teachers used to do in the good old days, where teaching really means 'teaching'.
I find teaching really stressful. Not the 'teaching', you know? It's the miscellaneous, nitty gritty administrative stuff that really gets on your nerve.
I'm bothered by the inefficiency of the school. I can't believe it. I've been in the school for almost two months and I don't even have a generic password for the common computers. And I don't even have a laptop just yet. I have to wait till school reopens, and after the laptop is given to me, I don't know how long more I have to wait before it can start servicing me. God knows what else is involved in the starting to use of the laptop!
Tomorrow, or rather, today, later, in about 4.5 hours, I'll have to be in school. And I can't sleep! I have to remember to do this and that, ask this and that so that I can do this and that. I hate the job because of all these mundane stuff. And it's not like I procrastinate. Others procrastinate and I have to bear the brunt of it. I can't work on the admin stuff without a laptop at my work station. It's just not working well doing them at home. I have to delay all my questions and doubts till the next working day before I can get to even ask them. And it doesn't mean that I get the answers straight away.
I don't understand why teaching can't be like what our teachers used to do in the good old days, where teaching really means 'teaching'.
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Yearn for a break
It's been really 'eventful' these few days.
My father rained punches on William when William threatened to divorce me and started to make a call to the lawyer to make an appointment. My parents were indignant when he said I ought to pay for the utility bills. Before he could finished stating the kinda bills he thought I ought to pay for, my father dashed up to him and boxed him in the face!
Subsequently, my mother held onto William so that he couldn't ran away the same way he does every time there is a confrontation. But my father hit him repeatedly as William was held onto.
It was a horrible sight. I screamed and screamed and tried to restrain my father while trying to get my mother to release William at the same time. I was worried that William might retaliate and hit my father back.
He bled from the mouth.
It was really horrible. The whole saga.
Today, we quarrelled again over my teaching resources. I had left my teaching resources at his mother's place two years back as his mother's place was just opposite our school.
As a result, some resources were not found and I had asked him to go look for them again by this week. I need him to return my resources to me by this weekend so that I can start teaching immediately when school reopens.
He raised his voice and started to quarrel with me. I got angry and raised my voice too so that the whole world can hear our fight.
I even got violent and started hitting him in my frustration.
I feel that this marriage has turned me into a monster. It's not me to want to hit him. It's not me to announce to the whole world what we fought about. It's not me to wash dirty linen in public.
It's not me.
I can't help but feel that there doesn't seem to be any way out for this marriage.
I don't know if it's because we haven't put enough effort into making the marriage work, or is it me who haven't, or is it him who hasn't. We're fighting over every little thing. I'm sick and tired of these fights. I married him thinking he's a phlegmatic person. I was tired of the kind of life I led with my elder sister trying so hard to pick a fight with me every day over everything. Now I end up switching a partner to fight over trivialities with!
We are just 1.5 yrs into our marriage and we're constantly fighting. I'm embarrassed by the fights. I always hope that I don't run into any of the neighbours, or hope that they don't know that I am one of the people who was in the fights or quarrels.
I want a break from this marriage.
My father rained punches on William when William threatened to divorce me and started to make a call to the lawyer to make an appointment. My parents were indignant when he said I ought to pay for the utility bills. Before he could finished stating the kinda bills he thought I ought to pay for, my father dashed up to him and boxed him in the face!
Subsequently, my mother held onto William so that he couldn't ran away the same way he does every time there is a confrontation. But my father hit him repeatedly as William was held onto.
It was a horrible sight. I screamed and screamed and tried to restrain my father while trying to get my mother to release William at the same time. I was worried that William might retaliate and hit my father back.
He bled from the mouth.
It was really horrible. The whole saga.
Today, we quarrelled again over my teaching resources. I had left my teaching resources at his mother's place two years back as his mother's place was just opposite our school.
As a result, some resources were not found and I had asked him to go look for them again by this week. I need him to return my resources to me by this weekend so that I can start teaching immediately when school reopens.
He raised his voice and started to quarrel with me. I got angry and raised my voice too so that the whole world can hear our fight.
I even got violent and started hitting him in my frustration.
I feel that this marriage has turned me into a monster. It's not me to want to hit him. It's not me to announce to the whole world what we fought about. It's not me to wash dirty linen in public.
It's not me.
I can't help but feel that there doesn't seem to be any way out for this marriage.
I don't know if it's because we haven't put enough effort into making the marriage work, or is it me who haven't, or is it him who hasn't. We're fighting over every little thing. I'm sick and tired of these fights. I married him thinking he's a phlegmatic person. I was tired of the kind of life I led with my elder sister trying so hard to pick a fight with me every day over everything. Now I end up switching a partner to fight over trivialities with!
We are just 1.5 yrs into our marriage and we're constantly fighting. I'm embarrassed by the fights. I always hope that I don't run into any of the neighbours, or hope that they don't know that I am one of the people who was in the fights or quarrels.
I want a break from this marriage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)