No big deal

A colleague brought today's New Paper and showed me Jack Neo's article - on whether the wife should forgive him so readily.

I told her, without batting an eyelid,"I would have forgiven him instantly."

She had a perturbed look that suggested that my response was ludicrous.

I went to her cubicle which was a few steps away and told her,"Jack Neo is a responsible man. He provides for the family and supports the wife. The wife doesn't even need to work! He is just being unfaithful. Would you rather have a faithful husband but who doesn't bring home the money? He asks you to support the children and asks you for money. You want that? Compared to such men, I think Jack Neo is a very responsible man. I would forgive him immediately."

Yes, I'm speaking from my personal experience. Yes, it sounds warped to some people. But comparing both types of men, which is the less of the two evils?

The two other colleagues who were in the next cubicle overheard our conversation and joined in the discussion. They too were married and with children. They concurred with me. One said,"I would definitely forgive him! I've been through shit with him. Why should I let him off and let him go scotfree with another woman? That's stupid! ... And forgiving does not mean forgetting!" The other said,"Yeah, we still need to work."

Another colleague who was just a fresh 20-year-old agreed that having children and being married for years perceive the same issue very differently from someone who is not married, or who does not have children. She concurred that if she had children, she would probably stay and forgive an unfaithful husband too, for the sake of the children.

That brings me back to when I was much younger and before I was married or had children.

I remember watching a Channel 8 drama serial about an unfaithful husband and I commented,"Just divorce lah! I won't want this kinda husband!"

My father educated me there and then,"It's always easy to say that when you are not married. After marriage, you don't just say,'Let's divorce' and get a divorce. You'll start to consider other factors. You don't say it and execute what you said immediately anymore. Most people don't divorce even if their husbands are unfaithful."

At that time, I thought my father was being silly. And I told myself I would never be so unprincipled.

After more than 10 years, I finally understood what my father said.

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal Jack Neo's adultery is. He is just another chi-ko-pek, and really a 'pek' since he's already a 50-year-old old man, preying on young girls who aspire to be famous actresses. I believe it is a common practice for directors to ask for sex in exchange for beefy roles for the actresses, just that most people in the industry do not loudmouth this fact.

The younger and more naive me used to believe that faithfulness is the foundation of a marriage. I only realised that a marriage is not only built on one ground alone. There are other 'stones' that contribute to the foundation ie. money and trust are two vital 'stones' that determine how strong the marriage is. Any mature adult would know that without money, a marriage will not work. In Chinese, we have a saying：贫贱夫妻百事哀, loosely translated as 'Poor couples have the odds against them' or in singlish 'Poor couple, everything also no good'. It suggests that a marriage in poverty is destined to fail. You don't hear any saying about marriages failing because the spouse is unfaithful '不忠伴侣婚不续'.

On a side note, I find it ludicrous that Jack Neo's family affair has become a national concern. Even an MP urges the public to rally support for the Neos. I believe that most married women with children would see eye to eye with Mrs Neo's decision to forgive. I, for one, support Mrs Neo in forgiving Jack Neo. For a woman in her 40s, a man's fidelity may not be the most important thing in her life anymore.