The affected me

Nowadays, the paper would report something as trivial as 'Pastor spotted at church service'. And I'm talking about The Straits Times - the paper which prides itself on reporting facts. Yes, it's a fact that Pastor Kong was 'spotted at a church service', but is it so newsworthy to take up a news space on the paper?

And I don't like the fact that the papers, Straits Times and New Paper, to place Pastor Kong's reports alongside with some money-related news.

A couple of weeks ago, TNP had this really sensational news about a Chinese national who bought the most expensive bungalow in Sentosa, and it placed Pastor Kong's picture suggestively beside the news.

Since then, I've seen Pastor Kong's or CHC-related news being placed 'strategically' around news to do with money.

I get the vibes that the journalists have also convicted Pastor Kong in their own way.

The last article about Pastor Kong was about his appearance in the Jurong West building. Apparently, the reporters have become avid fans of Pastor Kong and have been attending all the services at CHC to catch him, in action or otherwise. If not, surely they wouldn't have guessed at which service and church venue (there are two: Singapore Expo and Jurong West) and on which Sunday he would make his appearance?

But the last report had me somewhat worried.

A church member had shouted out,"Pastor, I love you!" while Pastor Kong was making his 45-minute speech at the pulpit, and he was reported as saying, after a pause, "Really? In spite of what's reported?"

The Pastor Kong I knew would have laughed off untrue reports.

For some reason, I am uncomfortable with his short reply to that profession of support.

'In spite of what's reported?' doesn't suggest that the reports are untrue. I'm not talking about the facts that Yeow Sun lives in a $28, 000 monthly house or they bought a $2.6 mil Orchard Road condo. I'm talking about all the implications of having all these luxuries.

CHC is not a novice to the criticisms of the media or the circle of Christian churches. Each time, Pastor Kong would laugh them off and sometimes passed remarks about these reports that made the congregation laugh, but this time, apparently, is very different.

Recently, I have been thinking about how stressful this period of time must have been for Pastor Kong and Yeow Sun. Even for someone like me who is absolutely certain that I'm not guilty of any crime, I think I'll be more than uneasy if the police knocks at my door. And I will freak out if the police suspect I'm involved in any form of law-breaking activity. I cannot imagine the stress the couple, and Pastor Tan and his wife (who had been a dear friend to me), are going through, with the police constantly looking for them.

It's easy to say 'you don't have anything to be afraid if you're not guilty'. It's really easy. It's just like saying '平日不做亏心事，半夜敲门也不惊' (loosely translated: you don't have to be afraid of seeing ghosts if you have done nothing against your conscience), but I'm still very afraid of seeing ghosts although my conscience is clear.

There are some truths in what the forummers say, but the unpleasantness spoken of the church makes me wonder how much elements of 'justice' there is in those posts. While a few posts do seem genuine in hoping that justice be done, many others just smack of jealousy - jealous that the church does so well in terms of crowd drawing and the church's income. The eager anticipation of the church's downfall seems more evident than a sincere wish for things to be put right.

One of the forummers had mentioned that the church members said that the cell-group leaders had rallied for a one-million dollar donation among the members to help Pastor Kong and Sun fight the case as their assets are frozen at the moment.

I was doubting the truth of it until a few days later, a report on the change of leadership came up, and in it was stated that the church had engaged top-notch legal counsel. William immediately linked that with the one-million dollar claim and he said that the need to engage these big shots only shows that the church is guilty.

That aside, it makes me wonder how many of those forummers actually go to CHC services to hear the insider news so that they can post them up on the forum, just like those reporters who go to CHC services to get their scoops.

Honestly, when the news first had it that the church was investigated for misuse of funds, I had hoped, to a certain extent, that they could be found guilty, not so much for what so many people claim - that 'justice be done'. Rather, a part of me had probably secretly, selfishly, wished to be proven right in leaving the church. But as I follow the reports and have my teenage memories of the church jolted, I realise that if it's really proven true, damages far greater than good will be done, not just to me, but also young Christians who had started their spiritual journey in City Harvest. I search within myself how I would feel or react if Pastor Kong is found guilty and I realise that there is no joy in it. On the contrary, I think I'll be crushed. I will have a hard time accounting for a large part of my teenage life and formation years which I had so avidly spent in the church. I'm not sure how skeptical I will be of Christianity if a fraud is ever proven.

For someone like me whose first church is City Harvest, and who had built her spiritual foundation in that church, I feel like I am hanging at the tip of a balance till the verdict is passed. And I'm constantly trying to imagine the worst, to prepare for the worst, so that if the matter is ever proven to the church's discredit, it doesn't come as a total shock and shake me hard. On one hand, I tell myself that I should have faith in the church,'I should believe in Pastor Kong.' and yet Sun's flashy and lavish lifestyle keeps popping up in my face. Try as I might, I cannot reconcile Pastor Kong's tithing and giving speeches with that kinda extravagance. I'm not able to find convincing reasons (for myself) to justify the way they lead their lives. Whenever a justification is given, questions and doubts pop up. I'd hoped that the papers would be able to come up with financial justifications of their Hollywood lifestyle - that it's indeed by the virtue of their secular incomes that they are capable of such a lifestyle. Yet, the question of 'then why didn't they give more to God?' is constantly plaguing me. I'm very affected, sometimes literally. I find myself having a hard time giving full attention to my kids or my work even because my mind is constantly thinking about the case. I have to keep telling myself to snap out of the melancholy and uncertainty of the whole matter. I haven't felt like this since God-knows-when.

Pastor Kong said that he has never thought more about the church than the last 30 days. Is that literal? That when they spent excessively, they weren't thinking about the church whose faith in them about the use of money is fervent? If he hadn't thought so much about the church, given that the church is built by him, what is of the more importance that was on his mind? Has it been God, or has it been money-making?

Pastor, please don't let us down.