Last chance

I haven't been blogging about my thoughts about the recent spade of events. There're just too many things on my mind, and in the true blue form of the stoic me, I don't want to think, or decide on anything, yet.

To me, most decisions are painful. There's always an opportunity cost involved whenever a decision's made. Perhaps that's why I'm a lousy decision-maker. Dread to make decision, take a long time to make a decision, and eventually make a lousy decision.

I've seen a lawyer last week. I broke down in school the next day I found out about the pawned necklace. I had made the appointment with the lawyer, scheduled to be on Monday. But I couldn't wait. I had to see the lawyer that day. And I did. The lawyer wanted to go through the legal procedure with me so that I could take some time to think if I want to engage his service and paid him the deposit the second time I meet him if I so desire.

I told him I'd met him 2 years ago, and there was no need to brief me on the procedure again. I paid him a deposit of $800 and gave him reasons why I am filing a divorce on the ground of 'unreasonable behaviour'. We are to meet again a month later after he has the information about my flat from HDB.

When I returned from the lawyer, William gave me the money for redeeming the gold necklace. I didn't want to tell him that I've filed for divorce, but eventually I did, because I can't tell a lie.

He pleaded with me for one more chance and promised (yet again) to hand me all his earnings.

Last night, I told my sister what he said and did, she thought it totally absurd,"Tell him his last chance had expired! Look at the result of your last chance (pointing to Baby who was running about)! Your last chance has grown so big now!"

Like the time when I searched for a pastor who was willing to solemnise us, I have this need to find someone to affirm my decision. I felt that I could not marry him if no pastor was willing to marry us because I felt that it wasn't approved by God. It sounds shallow to others, but it mattered alot to me. Except that now, I really cannot find anyone who would persuade me to stay on in this marriage. I can't talk to anyone because anyone, everyone would ask me to divorce him. He has done so much evil to the people around him and me that it's coming round in one full circle. No one would speak up for him.

The only reason I'd ever stay is Baby. But even then, I remember what a forummer said in a divorce thread, that love, and not children, should be the bridge in a marriage.

I went to redeem the gold necklace, but couldn't resist asking a question that's bothering me,"Has this person pawned anything else?" By the virtue of being a guarantor (which he made me), they obliged,"Yes. Two gold bangles. Since last November."

Last chance? Afraid that I would find out before he could replace it?

I wish I have his cold-bloodedness and the superior ability to tell lies without batting an eyelid.