The thinking of an idiot

I was doing some tidying-up when I opened a drawer where my ROM cert folder was kept.

It occurred to me that it's still empty. I had folded the smell-like-new certificate into half and handed it to the lawyer since a month ago.

The determination I felt then was still fresh in my mind: it would be creased if I folded it, and it wouldn't look new anymore. But what the heck! I'm going to divorce and it won't matter anymore. And I won't see this piece of paper after that day.

The lawyer hasn't called. Perhaps he is experienced enough to know that female clients would have second thoughts even after paying him the first instalment. Perhaps he is giving me more time to think about it.

And I am thinking about it.

Most of the time, I don't think about it. I just want to play by ear, or go with the flow - if the lawyer asks me to go down to his office for the second meeting, I will go. Whether I'll proceed with the divorce depends on what happens that very day he calls. If William is up to his antics, I'll just go ahead.

When I browse other people's blogs, it really hurts me when I see contented wives feeling blessed with their husbands. I actually try to find imperfections in the relationships to make myself feel better, but of course there's none. The husbands would be the ones taking pictures for the kids and the wives. The wives would look so happy with their kids. Even something so simple is what I can't have. I would ask losers' questions like: This girl isn't pretty, why does she get to enjoy such bliss?

What has this marriage done to me? I've gone back to the old days when my ex treated me shabbily and I was often alone albeit in a so-called relationship. Sometimes I went out shopping alone and asked myself,"This girl isn't pretty, why does she have a boyfriend?"

I find many negative common grounds between the two relationships. The signs are obvious. Yet, I am thinking.

I am an idiot.

Now you know why I truly deserve to be miserable all my life.