Self-Esteem

I was googling for a solution to Coco's friendship problem when I came across an article about How to deal with mean girls cliques.

I was surprised to read that mean girls cliques are common just about everywhere, any country. Many mothers shared in their comments that their daughters were facing hostile treatment by girls' cliques. One thing was striking across the sharing: their daughters were good-looking or good in studies or something else. It appears that their daughters were ostracised because other girls were jealous of them.

When my sister was looking through a new stack of pictures I had recently developed, she saw Coco and her friends among the photographs and casually commented that Coco was the best-looking among them and said that her friends could have been jealous of her.

I took a second look at the pictures. Yeah, she IS the best-looking girl among those girls. One of the girls had actually remarked to Coco,"You do know you are ugly, right?" and hurt her very much.

For me, a statement from the articles I had surfed stood out well and strong:

Girls with low self-esteem will go around forming toxic relationships their entire life.

Mothers who shared in the Comment section are anxious that their daughters were ostracised because they knew that such alienation and ostracisation would affect their daughter's self-esteem. So do I.

The statement made me reflect on my own life.

Low self-esteem indeed makes you do a lot of stupid things, makes you believe that you don't deserve the good things, good people, relationships ...


Studies
When I was young, I never thought that I could get into a university. I 'knew' I was too stupid to do well in studies.

But when Coco came along, I told myself that getting a degree is imperative. Without it, I would never be able to give her a decent life, not to mention a good one. With what I deemed as supernatural intervention, for the criteria of NIE entry to be brought down solely for General Paper - from the previously required A2 to B3, while 'O' level English was brought up from B4 to B3, I could apply for the degree programme and got in quite effortlessly.

And I put in a lot of hard work for the degree. I sat through 9 hours straight at the computer to do up a 4-person project which undoubtedly got us an excellent grade. I started on my assignments the moment I received them. I was just very grateful that I was given a chance at studying again, and a degree programme at that.

Prior to the exams, I looked through the past year papers and sussed out the possible questions and topics. I ditched all the 'you cannot memorise' advice and memorised like hell. I believe too much in the 'you cannot memorise' rubbish since primary school and look at the kind of rubbish results I got all my life!

And I got what I wanted. A good degree that could give me a decent paycheque in teaching, my childhood ambition, except that it came really late - ten years after my peers who have decent self-esteem done it.


Driving

I was told I was stupid and slow since a young age. I could never grasp what others could in a heartbeat. When my sisters were asking my father about how to make a car move, I was disinterested, thinking that I could never understand what the gear does.

When my siblings got their driving license, I still could not picture myself driving. It did not help that I am a technophobic. I have this strange fear when I first come into contact with a new machine, that I may cause it to break down or explode. I still have great fear of the stove or microwave oven exploding whenever I use them, every single time. I imagine how I would dash to the sink or washing area to douse the flame if a combustion occurred.

I told myself I could never drive. In any case, my family told me I could never pass the driving test.

But my father's eyesight is failing. He is getting frail. One day, he will no longer be able to drive me or Coco. It suddenly dawned on me that it is my turn to drive him and getting a license is imperative. It is no longer a choice for me.

So I put my mind to it, and today I am a licensed driver. Not a proficient one yet, but a licensed one nevertheless, and I did it 18 years later than most people.


Relationships

When I was in church, I told myself that the guys in church are 'too good' for me. When I met nice and good guys in school or outside, I told myself that I didn't deserve 'good guys'. In the end, I ended up with bastards and jerks. And I wondered why! 'Toxic relationships', indeed.


An ex-colleague told me that she was reading 'The Secret' and it said that everything that we are is what we have always wanted for ourselves. And she thought how true it was. She was often lamenting why things turn out this and that way for her but it struck her that she had subconsciously asked for them.

How true!

And all these, I have no doubt, are a result of our self-esteem.

Low self-esteem gives a girl nothing but pain. Yet the pain comes from the girl herself. Ironic and painful. With low self-esteem comes low self-worth. Low self-worth makes you think that you don't deserve something better.

It stems from childhood. We don't grow out of it if it is never dealt with.


Building self-esteem

A video at the end of the article gives some tips at 'How to boost your child's self-esteem':

1) Listen to your child
2) Give constructive criticism
3) Encourage independence and decision-making ie. allow the child to help out in the kitchen, trust the child to drive the family's car
4) Encourage creativity ie. allow the child to explore what they like to do or have a talent in doing eg. music, art, sports
5) Be a good role model ie. show the child how to stand up to bullying and how to find worth among family and friends

I am guilty of not consistently doing (1) to (4). The only thing I ever did for Coco was (5). For the weakling that I always had been, I braced myself to stand up to unfair treatment especially when I had Coco with me. Surprisingly, it did not quite rub off on her. Sometimes when she was given the wrong thing for which she had paid for, she would not dare to return to the shop and ask to have the stuff that she had paid for. I would go back with her and do it for her on her behalf.

Hope floats though. Just yesterday, she bought some vegetarian bee hoon and the stallholder took $1.15 from her when the bee hoon cost $1. I told her to tell the stallholder that he should give $0.15 back to her instead. It took her some hesitation and courage, but she did it anyway.

When she went to buy some milk at a 7-Eleven store shortly after, the cashier told her the milk cost $2.50 and took $2.60 from her. She was surprised and told the cashier that she had charged her $2.60 instead of the said $2.50. The cashier was a little taken aback but she quickly apologised and clarified that the milk cost $2.60.

Courage is not the easiest thing to build, but it is the first step to constructing good self-esteem.