I am Free - after 16 years

Today, I am a free woman! I can't wait to shout this from the top of the world! I am finally free! I am divorced! Congratulate me!

I am sure if you have ever been my reader, you would have read about my most unhappy marriage over and over again. 'Unhappy' is an understatement. It was warped, miserable and torturous. Full of lies and nothing to look forward to, divorce should have happened in the first week of the marriage. It has taken me a lifetime, and had cost me my two daughters whose lives are destroyed.

I have been brought up to believe that a father is necessary for a child. What I never expected was, a lousy father does far more irreversible damages to a child.

I did not dare to divorce because our wedding was solemnised by a pastor. We went through a church wedding. I thought it must be from God and 'God hates divorce', so I must not divorce no matter what.

In any case, he had not raised his hand at me. He had not been unfaithful to me. He did not take drugs. He did not drink alcohol. 

I underestimated the subtle effects of a 'man' who lies. He lies to manipulate and brainwash, and create fake memories in your mind.

I always wondered why Cosette told lies. Now that my eyes are opened, I understand.

For 15 years, not a single day had passed that I did not wonder 'Should I divorce?'

The only time that I stopped thinking about it was when I was playing Pokemon Go like crazy. It allowed me to stop rationalising why I should not divorce or even had the idea of divorce. I knew I was escaping the reality, but it provided me a breathing space. I was helpless and lost. I knew the right thing to do, but I was scared to do it. God hates divorce. How can I even think about it? He did not abuse me. I am in a better state than the women in India. He pays for the electricity bill which cost $300 a month! I won't have an extra $300 to pay utility bills after paying for everything! 

I met an old friend who was my colleague at Tampines Library more than 20 years ago on an extension app of Facebook so we met up and talked. He had become a psychologist. When I told him I was thinking about divorce, and was very afraid that I might die without divorcing, he was utterly surprised. He said,"That goes to show that you deeply want to divorce!"

I told him but I have no biblical grounds to divorce. He did not desert me. He did not commit adultery.

As a Christian, he enquired of his pastor about my situation. He returned to tell me that his pastor said that it's abuse.

I finally found a 'valid' ground for a divorce.

What really sealed the decision and prompted me to find a lawyer to execute the divorce proceedings was when my most beloved passed away.

I bought a family niche to put his ashes so that my mother's ashes would be able to be put together with his when she's called home to be with the Lord.

As his urn was placed in the niche, it dawned on me that if I remain married to him in my lifetime, my ashes would be placed with his after I passed! This would signify that even in death, I would not be able to get away from him! Even though I knew that my spirit would not be in my ashes, or in that niche, I felt very strongly that I did not want to be with him in death. 

Then a question popped in my mind: 

If you don't even want to be with him in death, why would you want to be with him when living? And you are not a tree. You can move if you don't want to be there.

I started talking to him about a divorce. He cried and said,"I will always love you! No matter what happens. Even if you divorce me, I will take care of you. If I have a girlfriend, I would tell her that my ex-wife will come first, and no woman will be able to accept that."

Wow, how touching, right?

So I met up with 5 or 6 lawyers and settled on the cheapest but sympathetic lawyer and began to draft my divorce proposal.

She said if we could talk amicably and settle all the terms, it would be quick and cheap.

Sounds good. I am sure we can. We are after all mature sensible adults. We want to do this without hurting each other. After all, we have been married for 15 years. 

My lawyer sent him the draft in February. 

He didn't respond until May. He told me he 'just want Baby' because he loved her. Since he loved Baby, I said 'okay'. I told Baby we could meet up on weekends. 

Then he said he just wanted the flat. I paid 65% for the flat. He wanted 50-50. I said 'okay'. I just wanted to get it over and done with. My lawyer said,"It won't be the last time that he changes the terms." I said,"I am sure it's the last time. Just do it."

But the lawyer was right. He asked for child maintenance.

Yes, you read that right. He wanted the child so that he could ask for child maintenance from me!

He loved me right? He would take care of me right?

He said,"My lawyer told me that the judge would throw the proposal out of the window if there's no child maintenance from one of the parties! It's a MUST legally for both parties to maintain the child! Your lawyer knows nothing! Why did you get such a cheap lawyer? Does she need me to teach her? She should go back to the law school!"

I checked with my lawyer.

She said it's not true. As long as two parties agree to it, there is no issue. "Tell him to show you his lawyer's statement if that's true! It cannot be that his lawyer just said it without any documentation."

Subsequently, I checked with another lawyer and she said it's unlikely that his lawyer would give him the wrong advice. "For all you know, that's what he wants," she said, looking at me knowingly.

I felt that my cheap and young lawyer did not seem to be able to battle his crafty lawyers so I went in search of another lawyer.

I was very keen to engage the next lawyer I met, who so kindly spoke with me for 1h 45 min and explained at length many things. 

However, I felt that she was too kind and too fair. I was worried she might not be the match of crafty lawyers.

So I decided to go back to the most expensive lawyer I had met earlier on when I was shopping for a lawyer.

I paid her $13k on the spot, up till mediation. 

She drafted the proposal and sent it out to his lawyer.

Long story short. We went through four rounds of mediation. Today was the final round. The judge was kind and patient. I was shocked at how kind she was and made the decision to accept the loss to hasten the divorce process.

But I am sure William would have thought that his threat worked.

He said,"I am not afraid to contest. I know she has $80k - $100k in her assets."

If only I have. After marrying him, I was constantly forking out money for the house, the reno, the trips and supporting myself and Cosette.

I just didn't threaten him back with "I know he has two companies in which he transferred his name out within the year. He's earning $15k a month and he's only paying a miserable $100 per month's utility bill of which he is the main user." 

What made me hesitate was the next one or two years that I have to spend with him.

A few nights before the mediation, I had chanced upon the video on how Samsung's 50-year-old chairwoman Lee Boo-jin had to pay huge sums of money to her ex-husband for her divorce even though he was a lousy husband.

I am not sure if that was how God prepared me for today's mediation. I felt that it's been a lifetime. It's been too too long, so long that I did not think I could ever escape.

When the judge said,"All issues have been resolved." and left the Zoom meeting, I broke down and cried tears of joy and relief. I couldn't believe that a divorce was possible.

My lawyer got a shock. She panicked and asked me,"Why are you crying? Why are you crying? You don't have to agree if you don't want. We will fight."

I shook my head and asked,"Is it over? When can it be finalised?"

When you have been emotionally kidnapped for so long, you do not believe that an escape is possible.

I now see a glimpse of hope in my life.

Whoever knows me and my awful marriage would be happy for me.

I know he will not let me off. Like those stalker ex-husbands who killed their ex-wives, he would continue to torture me using Baby, creating inconveniences to frustrate or exasperate.

In fact, it has begun. After the mediation, he spent hours with his lawyer to draft up minute details of care and control matters, the most ridiculous being wanting to keep Baby's important documents and passport. For one, he has never taken Baby overseas without me before. In fact, if not for me demanding him to spend time with the kids and me, he probably never would. He said that the party who wants to take Baby overseas would have to seek consent from him. The party would have to get her passport from him, and return the passport within one week of return. Obviously, this 'party' refers to me.

Since you have never kept her important documents and never taken her overseas before, why are you requesting to doing this now? Since you said that our relationship is acrimonious, why do you want interaction?

Unreasonable and insensible. Horribly childish. 'Immature' is an understatement.

As of now, I am paying the full loan of the flat since at least 10 years ago after he stopped contributing to his CPF. I am also paying for the internet bill that he's also using. I am also paying for the town council bill which he claimed to pay. He told the judge that he has made 'MUCH MUCH MORE' indirect contributions to the family.

Lots of damage, you mean.

And he actually told the judge that he's very worried that 35% would not be able to cover his accrued interest because it 'A LOT'. You know how much it was? $30k.

How laughable!

It would be such a disgrace if anyone know I was ever related to this dumbass by marriage.

Now I know why women want nothing to do with men, even at a great price. Because it's a reflection of their grave lack of intelligence and poor taste.

One of the greatest lessons I have learnt from this sham marriage is:

Find a man who's richer than you. A poor man is not just financially poor, although there are often good reasons why they are poor. He is also morally bankrupt and thinks women who are tricked by them are just plain stupid and should be fully made use of. And he only loves himself.

In Chinese, we have an ancient but apt proverb to sum up how a marriage should be:

竹门对竹门

木门对木门

Congratulate me, readers. I am free from his clutches.

Helen Lim, you think he's a great husband. You can have him, bitch!