Say 'Yes' if Your Friend or Colleague Asks if She Should Divorce

I have at least one friend who thinks I should not divorce for ANY reason. 

I observe that the ones who encourage me to leave are all men while the ones who ask me to stay are all women.

Do women have the mindset that a woman is meant to suffer in a marriage, that once you have made your choice, you should never divorce no matter how miserable you are?

That was my belief: that a woman ought to resign to her fate when she made a bad choice, that she is a lesser human being if she ever divorces, that she doesn’t deserve happiness ever if she divorces - even though the marriage may cause her greater pain. 

Why do women believe that women ought to suffer in the name of ‘keeping a family complete’? The family is never complete with a man always shouting at his wife in front of the kids. Yet as women, we are supposed to suffer the abuse and keep up the appearance “for the sake of the kids”. 

Through my own experience, I have come to realise what a reader had said is true, that a confrontational marriage is never good for the kids. It is far more damaging than not having a “complete family”, something that women with a “complete and whole family” will never understand.

This is a kind friend. A devout Christian who believes she has a personal relationship with God, and I believe she does. She speaks words of wisdom on how to raise a child. Her children love her to bits for her firm yet supportive ways. She was the one who told me our children do not need us when they are at the top, because everybody will cheer them on and give them the support; our children need us when they are at the bottom of the pits because no one will be there for them.

For the first time in a very very long while, when William mentioned that Coco only comes home when she runs into problems, I retorted,"I want her to come home when she runs into problems! I want her to know she has somewhere to run to when she has a problem." 

Much as I adore this friend of mine, I cannot agree to her view that we ought to stay in a terrible marriage till we die. A marriage must not be just in name. I believe we are more than flesh and blood. I believe we have a spirit, which is why we constantly yearn for spiritual and emotional connection.

A chatter had told me I ought to look beyond the physical circumstances to decide if I should divorce. More than just where to stay, he said that I should think about the spiritual aspect first, how it was affecting me. It took me more than ten years to realise that he was right.

I thought environmental stability was the most important thing for a kid. I thought I was doing things in the best interest of Coco. I didn’t know I was doing her harm instead.

I didn't know that mental and emotional abuse is an abuse.

I didn't know that mental and emotional abuse could be worse than physical abuse. I dismissed the mental anguish and emotional pain I was going through constantly, telling myself physical abuse was 10, 000 times worse than this. This is nothing. That I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That these are small matters. 

I didn't know I was abused.

I found security in the familiar zone, like most abused victims. 

I found excuses for his wrongdoings and criminal behaviour, like victims with Stockholm syndrome.

No. Now that my eyes are open, I am sure that God would not want us to be trapped in a deceitful marriage, with someone who refuses to acknowledge that there's something wrong with him, his values and beliefs, the way he disrespects the institution of marriage and the way he treats his wife. 

My friend will not be able to comprehend the magnitude and depth of the perversion of mind of William, because normal people who have an ounce of human kindness towards their family (if he's able to appreciate what 'family' is at all) do not behave like him. Although she insists she understands, the truth is, without living with him and seeing the things he has done to his family, no one can understand what I am saying. In fact, my friend/s would find excuses for him too! "He might be saying that in a fit of anger." "He might be undergoing some form of stress." We all go through stress but it's the way we manage stress that defines us and our values. I am stressed when I can't pay off my bills but I would never never think of stealing from my family even if the money is strewn on the dining table carelessly. I think about how anxious they would feel when they realise their money is gone. I think about how hurt they would feel if they ever know that I had 'taken it'. And above all, "not taking what is yours" ought to be a default, ingrained belief. As teachers, we even teach P1 children not to take their friends' stationery without telling their friends because 'taking without others' permission is stealing'. Why should we have a different set of standard for adults? A thief is a thief. Stealing is stealing. No other way to masquerade it. 

I hope that no one will ever downplay their friend's pain when their friend contemplates divorce. Marrying to the wrong man destroys lives. Please stop advising women to stay married to the wrong man until they die. Women are not made to suffer in marriages. Women are not made to be exploited by men in the name of a holy matrimony. Women are not made to submit to husbands from Hell.  Please don't quote women of yesteryears as the role model for today's women. They suffered till they died, yes. They put up with their husbands' infidelity, drug addiction, gambling addiction and beatings because they were uneducated and did not have the financial means to stand on their own or support their children. One of the reasons women receive education is so that they don't have to continue living the tragedies the yesteryear women had, so that they can be empowered to be in control of their own lives. 

Please don't trap anyone you know in a horrible marriage. Support the woman who contemplates divorce. Lend a listening ear. Tell her that she has every right to divorce as long as she is unhappy with the marriage. She may not know how to word it, like me. She may not be able to put a finger to it, like me. She may be ashamed to list her reasons since she is told that ANY problem in a marriage can be ironed out and her reasons seem too trivial, like me. Tell her to trust her instinct. Don't ask her to list down the reasons. Logic may trump instinct and logic is not always the best indicator in a marriage. The women of yesteryears died in their unhappy marriage due to logic.

Please say 'yes' if your friend or colleague asks you if she should divorce . Don't be afraid to take up the responsibility of that decision. She is not trying to hold you responsible to it. She just wants an affirmation and support from you, to assure her that you will not look down on her if she divorces.