In limbo

Actually, the threads William posted have bad effects on me. They make me rethink about the way I look at our marriage.

Just about everybody thinks I ought to leave him. The irony is: I feel helpless that this is the verdict that everybody passes. I do want to salvage this marriage. But the problem is, William doesn't think there's a problem with the marriage at all. I actually feel pressured to divorce him. It's external, simply because everyone thinks so adversely of him. I'm beginning to doubt that what I believe in him are all crap.

I've given him two years to reduce his debts. Instead of reducing them, he's incurring more debts. For both years, I told him the same thing,"If your debts are going to remain the same one year from now, I will leave you." Now he tells me he wants to clear the debts by the beginning of 2009, but inside me, I've lost faith in him that he'll do it. I find myself asking myself these few days if I'm wasting my time on him, like what my ex had made me do. If by 2009, he's still in heavy debts, what should I do?

Just by reading the threads alone, I find myself losing respect for him. Even in a forum, you could tell that his EQ is incredibly low. He's practically blaming the whole world for his plight. Like what the forummers say, everybody sucks except himself.

I find myself getting easily affected by anyone's comment about him, even my mother's on how he could not even give me some allowance when he got more than $8,000 for his December payout. I usually ignore my mother and sister's comments about William, but I'm starting to resent William for all his misdeeds, towards me, towards his parents, towards our marriage.

I feel horrible, miserable, lost, insecure.

I don't know why I'm clinging onto this marriage. Is it because I see this as a Christianity commitment? Is it for the sake of Coco?

I have all the reasons to leave this 'man'. I no longer look up to him. I find loving him a challenge. I find respecting him a challenge even. I see all his faults and can't locate his good points. I keep asking myself,"Is this the 'best' God thinks befit me? Am I so lousy I only deserve jerks as husbands?' 'Husband' is a formality term used for a male human being in a marriage, not used as an endearing term in my dictionary. And I hate yeast infection. I don't want it to ever come back to haunt me again.

I'm tired.

Help me, God.