Can't sleep

I'm still up right now. 4.18am.

I can't sleep because I was thinking about what I should do about this marriage. Yup. We had a fight again. He was running me down over the Grow package, saying that my friends and I don't know a thing about all these and still want to discuss.

He was sitting at the end of my feet. I was upset and scraped his calf with my toe nail. He used his two fingers to squeeze hard on my ankle so that I was in pain. I had to limp hours after that because it was still painful.

It's hard not to think of leaving him. And the whole world asks me to leave him.

The only thing that's stopping me is my faith, as in my religion.

But it torments me. I do want out of this horrible marriage. It's nightmarish. It's fear-inducing. I live in fear most of the time - that he would hurt me, that he would quarrel with me loudly, that he would hurt Coco, that he would ask me for money, that he would say he's going to jail or become bankrupted next month or week.

Does God want me to be trapped in a tormenting marriage? I certainly don't think so. What torments me even more is I know divorce is never God's way of resolving conflicts.

I've heard and read that prayer changes things. My friend and sister tell me that miracles could happen, William could change for the better. But honestly, I have this strong unbelief - that he can change, or willing to change. I only believe that a leopard never changes its spots. I can't pray about it because I've such a strong unbelief. It would be an insult to the act of praying if I pray about this because I totally can't believe in it. Even if I pray about it, I still won't believe it. I just can't believe it. Two years of proving me right, or wrong has made me a staunch believer that this marriage is meant to doom.

I am at a loss.

I don't even know who I can talk to. The pastor said that William backed out at the last minute after they had arranged to meet. He said that he can't help us unless he's willing to talk, and both of us are willing to sit down and talk.

The pastor is not God. He can't transform William for sure. I don't hold him responsible for the state of our marriage although he feels bad that he hasn't followed up on us since the wedding. I feel that even if he did, he still doesn't have control over how William turns out. If a person means to deceive, how can we find him out?

I'm full of regrets now for marrying him.

Full of.