More fights

Haven't been blogging lately because it's Chinese New Year.

Went back to Malaysia with William and Coco. The rantings from my elder sister that stemmed from William's extreme impunctuality (he was 1 hour and 15 mins late!) took a toll on me. The best thing was: she directed the heap of scoldings on ME. The moment he arrived at my mother's place which was the pickup point, she shut her trap.

Then, on Reunion Dinner night, just as I was about to pack the red packets, William said he's 'shocked' to realise that I expected BIG red packets for my parents. It ended with us throwing a stack of Sing Dollars at each other, with none refusing to take any of it because he's so grouchy to give. And as usual, he ran out of the house when everybody was gathering for the reunion dinner. As usual, he left me in tears, with my family and relatives asking me why I was crying and where the bastard has gone to.

On the First Day of CNY, he asked me for a $10 ringgit which I refused to give him. My mother gave him a hundred ringgit instead, which he later claimed someone else took it when he left it on the floor when I asked him where the money's gone, but claimed that he gave them to me when my mother asked him. My mother was so worried that she whispered to my father that she suspected William is mentally unsound.

On the Second Day of CNY, we came back to Singapore. He confronted me, asking why I've been giving him a black face since the first day we went to Malaysia. The cheek of him!

I gave him my honest opinion that I'm angry with his uselessness, that he refused to save up for CNY when I've reminded him time and again months ago, that he actually didn't bother to go to the money changer when he knew yonce ago that he's going to Malaysia for CNY.

It ended up with him throwing one whole stack of workbooks at me, but fell at my feet due to their weight and my distance from him.

I changed, and got Coco who was awakened from her nap by all the racket out of the house.

We spent the night at my fifth sister's place.

The next day, I took Coco to Sentosa Flowers 2008.

It was a day that's supposed to end happy, with my third sister meeting us at Vivo City and treating us to Marche.

But he had to insist that we go to SGH to meet him because there's something wrong with his eye.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying pleasure is more important than my husband, no matter how bastardy he has been. But after a day of fun, Coco would have been very tired although she was still all pschyed up by the new experience at Marche and I knew we had to head home, lest she fell asleep half way anywhere.

He contacted the whole world apparently, to emotionally blackmail me to go there. So we alighted at Outram MRT and walked all the way to A&E Block, which was terribly far for Coco - thanks to the 'Oh, it's not far' claim of a middle-aged-to-old lady.

She fell asleep waiting at the hospital and we took a cab back.

He could have taken the cab back himself even if we were not there, but he had to insist that we go there to prove to him that we are still concerned about him although he has been a bastard.

I'm very tired of this marriage. I don't need a useless husband, who doesn't provide and behaves as a bastard and expects me to have sex with him at night. Coco doesn't need a bastard as a father figure. I have done most things for Coco, and will continue to do so. I could divorce the first jerk for her, marry for her, and I can divorce for the second time for her.

I don't need more stress from a marriage that is dysfunctional, or even worse, temper-throwing, stress-and-fear inducing. I don't need everyday fights which I could have continued with my elder sister when living with her. I don't need a change of partner just to fight, and worse, this time a man who is easily 7 times stronger than I. I don't need a tyrant to scare Coco out of her wits a few times a week just so that she's perverse to the idea of marriage when she grows up, or even now. I don't need her to think that this is what marriage is all about: fights, fights and more fights. I don't need public humiliation which he constantly subjects me to on the streets.

I don't need. I don't deserve to live a life like this. I don't. Perhaps a marriage is not what I am destined to enter. I really want out.