Metamorphosis in place

Haven't I changed ever since I married William?

I think I still sounded relatively naive in my first posts.

My elder sister was telling my aunt that I wasn't like that when I first started teaching, but now I'm so heck-care about students. In my opinion, it's not true that I'm heck-care about the kids. I do care about them and it's precisely I struggle so hard for them that I've become so skeptical and upset about the education system. I have past the stage of disillusionment (hopefully) and still struggling with depression (sometimes it still hits me but I've learnt that I can't save all the kids). I am not a big shot. I can't do anything radical to change the system to suit the kids. I can only get the kids to suit the system. I'm a civil SERVANT. A servant obeys the master. The master says,"Save the bright ones. Abandon the slow ones!" Who am I to say no?

I can only teach what I know best to the kids, and imbue in them the values I want them to have, although this is against the system apparently. The master says that we have no power and no authority to impart values. Values are none of our business. But I can't resist doing that because it's me.

I've become more resistant to marriage. To my marriage specifically. The resistance is built up through these two years of tormenting.

I've become someone that's not really me, but it's a path I have to take.