Some thoughts on the blog and names

I had abandoned the blog for what I had thought months.

For an intrapersonal person, I have always thought it's something difficult to do - not to write what I think and feel. I recalled a Hong Kong TV drama serial about an unfaithful lawyer, casted by Raymond Lam. He blogged on the private for each day that his girlfriend left him, and he said,"I always thought that when you feel down and out, you would want to talk to someone or hang out with your buddies. But now I realised that it's not the case. When you're depressed, the only thing you just want to do is to write down what you think and how you feel."

During the abandonment, I had a lot to blog about, but there were times when I was too busy and exhausted - after being at your workplace for a straight 11 hours, and needing to come home to do more work, or look after the kids, the only thing on your mind is to sleep, not even eat. More often than not, I don't know where to start.

'Divorce' has been on my mind lately. Yes, again, I know.

Sometimes there are some things that would prick and hurt when you first think about it. After some time, it doesn't feel so bad anymore. After a longer period of time, you don't cry when you think about it anymore. I think that's when you can proceed to actually carrying out the action.

I don't want to type out another post that threatens to divorce and yet does not materialise. It has the same effect as threatening to break off with a lousy boyfriend and yet does not really do it - ineffective, or 'lame', as in kids' words.

Recently, I was thinking about how names affect their owners. A staunch Christian friend used to tell me,"There is power in confession." meaning if you keep saying something, whether you mean for it to happen, it will happen.

Where names are concerned, if you keep responding to a particular name, you will become what the name encompasses.

I think it's getting to be quite true for my own name, at least. For convenience's sake, I had given myself a Christian name, and it means 'noble'.

I never thought myself as noble. In fact, I've always been a very self-centred and selfish person. My interests had to come first. I didn't think I could be a mother, because mothers are generally sacrificial people and I couldn't bear the idea of being that sacrificial for another human being.

But ever since I had Coco, I find myself making alot of efforts, conscious or otherwise, to be sacrificial in small and big ways. There are times when I don't realise that I am being sacrificial and these sacrificial moments are pointed out by single-but-happy friends. But to me, those are not sacrifices. They are simply what a mother would naturally and happily do for her child.

Since young, my parents would give us the best they could. During mealtimes, they would eat last and let us have the best part of the meat ie. drumstick, chicken wings, sweetest portion of a fish. It has become a habit for us to covet the best from our parents.

In the recent years, I find myself putting myself in the shoes of my parents and making an effort to give them the better portion, if not something equally good, of the meals.

Honestly, I don't really want to be 'noble', although I really like the fact that I have learnt to put my family's interests first sometimes and wish to keep up with it for the simple fact that it makes me happy as well. 'Nobility' usually entails sacrifices and being self-sacrificial, giving up one's priorities and preferences. Sometimes I find myself trying to balance between the extent of sacrificing and self-interest.

'William' means 'great protector', as he mentioned. I was thinking how the meaning could fit a highly selfish man. I thought the only explanation is 'great protector of himself and his interests' will be most apt.