After All These Years

I fell sick. Caught a cold and been feverish for the past few days.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer, for the third time, all these years.

I really want to get it done.

I don't want to lie on my deathbed, regretting that I never got a divorce from him.

He said that he would change to my liking. Yet I know, it will never happen.

And you can never force a person to change. And I don't want to make someone change, in a marriage.

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that if a woman wants to stay home to take care of her kids, she's being lazy and doesn't want to work?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that a house must have two working adults to support the family?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that children do not need parents to be around them when growing up?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that there is no need to set aside a day in a week to spend as a family since the beginning?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that there is no need to speak politely to your wife once you are married?

I am not sure why my tears are flowing. I should be glad that I have made the wise decision to leave this man who will never grow up.

I don't want to wake up to awful shoutings every other day.

I don't want to have to fight and shout like a shrew at 12am and 5am.

After all these years, I am tired.

If the bitch thinks he's a good family man, takes care of his kid, coaches his kid, and thinks I don't know how fortunate I am, then she can have him.

I only know I don't want to spend the next 10 years fighting with him.

I am not a fighter. I don't want to win in a marriage. He sees the need to win in a marriage, in a quarrel. He can win all he wants. But he has definitely lost me, long long ago.

I want a husband who truly loves me, not sees me as a trophy to be fought over, wrung from another man's hand.

Ironically, the only time when I felt he was a decent husband was when another man came into the picture.

I told the man, when he left, my husband's niceness would also leave.

Of course it came true.

For so many years, I lie to myself over and over again, refusing to get a divorce, thinking that perhaps I am indeed a difficult wife like how he always tells others about me.

But I am done with that.

Difficult or not, whether I will survive or not, whether I will see my kid or not, whether I will be condemned by God or not, whether I will live in the dumps or not, I want a divorce.

All the emotional abuse. Be gone.