Living with a Sociopath, Narcissist and Domestic Violence

Wang Lee Hom's divorce had drawn much attention from Chinese fans of Chinese-majority countries.

I used to like Wang Lee Hom too. He broke into the Chinese pop music scene with a clean, squeaky schoolboy image. Marketed as an ABC (America-born Chinese) and an outstanding student in classical music, he was passionate about music and had insisted on going down the music route despite having better choices in life.

His first song and MTV I knew was Love Rival Beethoven (情敌贝多芬）. It was a breath of fresh air from all the fatigue of melancholic love ballads, so it was easy to remember.

However, although I do have a few female artistes that I fancy, I am hardly a passionate fan. I don't follow what they do in their private life closely.

The explosion of information was a huge revelation. I was surprised that Wong Lee Hom was a mess in his sex life. I am even more surprised that he's such a stingy man. The only difference between him and William is that he does not covet his ex-wife's possessions or money.

I noticed though, that he shared many similarities with William, being obsessively protective of his money from his ex-wife, being extremely selfish, does not spend time with his kids unless it's to promote a wholesome family man image, lies in the face of hard evidence and smears his victim's reputation among others.

The wife revealed that they had been to see psychologists or therapists and Wang Lee Hom was diagnosed to have Narcissist Personality Disorder.

I googled for 'Narcissist Personality Disorder' to find out more about it. Not surprisingly, William fits the bill, perfectly.

Earlier this year, a friend had mentioned that based on my brief description of William's behaviour, he sounded like he's a sociopath.

I denied it vehemently. My idea of a 'sociopath' is equivalent to a 'psychopath'. Hong Kong movies have often portrayed psychopaths as crazy men who kill anyone who bear a similarity to whom they have a personal agenda with so I thought she was gravely mistaken. She knew what I was thinking so she googled for the traits of a sociopath and sent it to me:

Consistent behavior patterns in sociopaths include:

• Lack of empathy for others

• Impulsive behavior

• Attempting to control others with threats or aggression 

• Using intelligence, charm, or charisma to manipulate others

• Not learning from mistakes or punishment

• Lying for personal gain

• Showing a tendency to physical violence and fights

• Generally superficial relationships

• Sometimes, stealing or committing other crimes

• Threatening suicide to manipulate without intention to act 

• Sometimes, abusing drugs or alcohol

• Trouble with responsibilities such as a job, paying bills, etc.

I was shocked. For every trait, I could think of at least one incident which he exhibited it. The only thing that was out was 'abusing drugs or alcohol', but in place of drug- or alcohol-addiction, William is addicted to pornography and he was addicted to gambling. Sociopaths have this tendency to be addicted to vices.

I delved into finding out more about narcissists. It turns out that all sociopaths are narcissists. 

Traits of narcissists:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance

• Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeus

• Needs constant praise and admiration

• Sense of entitlement

• Exploits others without guilt or shame

• Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies or belittles others

(https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm)

The answer was clear.

All these years, no one could tell that there's something wrong with him, just because he's not visibly deranged. 

I looked for support groups to join to understand NPD more. I found two and none was from Singapore. I think NPD is unheard of in Singapore. 

To my shock, the experiences described by the women in these support groups were uncannily similar to mine! I could relate to just about every one of their experiences and identify with the confusion and helplessness of these women. No one posted nasty comments. Everybody was supportive. When someone said she knew her partner is a narcissist and he's totally awful but she could not leave him, no one scolded her for being dumb or that she deserved it. They said it like it is: No one can make you make that decision to leave until you are sick and tired of being manipulated, lied to and cheated. When your spirit is completely shattered by him, we will be here for you.

I thought I was the only fool who stayed 16 years and beyond in a warped relationship, but many of them stayed longer, 20 years, 30 years and beyond.

Some of them had narcissistic parents, siblings or friends. I suspect that my elder sister is a narcissist as well although she does not lie or cheat, or take what does not belong to her, to reach her goal.

Wanting to find out more about NPD does not mean that I can't let go. For so many years, I was confused and could not understand why William did what he did, and does what he does. I kept saying I wanted to divorce him but I never did because he would promise to change, promise to do what I want, promise to be a responsible husband ... In my heart of hearts, I hoped some day, it would become true, yet, a part of me was sure that day would never come. But for normal human beings, we try our best to fulfil our promises. I thought he was a normal human being. I did not know that narcissists are good at faking future and making empty promises. I did not know that narcissists do not have a conscience. I did not know that narcissists do not care an eff for others' feelings.

I wished someone would tell me that he is a narcissist, a sociopath, and explain how being one affects his behaviour.

I kept giving him chances at the expense of my boundaries, my beliefs, my values, my faith, my kids.

If someone had told me about him being a narcissist, and I was educated on NPD, and that his behaviour constituted abuse, domestic violence, I would have divorced him.

I thought 'abuse' is only characterised by physical abuse. In fact, I dare say most people think only physical abuse is abuse. We think mental abuse and emotional abuse are nothing. 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

Do you have any idea how many times I had wished William would hit me instead?

My sis-in-law shared the same sentiment.

She once saw a video of William verbally abusing me. She said she could not accept that even once. I said that was nothing. He had done this almost on a daily basis for the last 15 years.

It is a shock to me that mental and emotional abuse is domestic violence. However, it is also clear to me that nobody recognised it. Nobody thought mental and emotional abuse is anything serious. Most people think: just don't take what he says seriously lah.

But the damages are irreparable. It destroys lives.

It gets me thinking if there's a way to increase awareness of NPD and that mental or emotional abuse is domestic violence in Singapore.

There is virtually no resources in Singapore. Our family counsellors and psychologists do not even know about NPD. At least they don't seem to be able to recognise the signs when I mention my experiences to them. None of them mentioned the word 'abuse', 'domestic violence' or 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' even once. The only person who ever mentioned that what William did amounted to abuse was a friend's pastor, who heard my story from my friend.

I wonder who else in Singapore is going through what I had gone through, not knowing that she's abused, like me.

May Justice Be Served

I often would suddenly recall something that happened some time before and would start googling for it.

I was watching a video online which reminded me of a Korean actress who passed away in 2009 - Jang Ja Yeon.

In 2009, I was embroiled in my own suffering marriage and buried in work so I didn’t pay much attention to it. All I remembered was an actress committed suicide as she was pimped to many rich men.

I googled for her news, mainly in Chinese, and read in details the injustices she had suffered. Orphaned at 16, and had only an elder brother as her family, she was only 29 when she hanged herself, but she was forced to sleep with more than 31 men more than 100 times within a few short years. She was violently abused in all ways possible.

She had tried resisting which met with violence and ordered to compensate an astronomical amount of money if she wanted to walk away a free woman. She reported to the police in vain as those who violated her were rich and powerful. Even the president was not spared when he tried to uphold justice for her.

Towards the end of her life, she received death threats. Pushed to the limit of limits, she killed herself before her violators could.

After her death, justice was not served as prosecutors and judges were bribed. Witnesses were silenced, forced to leave the country. 

The amount of injustices she had to suffer. It bothers me to this moment. Why is the world such a cruel, unjust place, such that the wicked thrive in it while the kind and honest suffer at their hands?   

Today, Facebook feed popped “76-year-old Aung San Suu Kyi is sentenced to four years’ jail.”

I don’t know a thing about Burmese politics. All I know is that Aung San Suu Kyi spends all her life fighting for her countrymen. And this is what she comes to. 

I looked at the picture of the thin and weathered face and wondered where Justice is. 

Is there no justice in this world?

I have been contemplating about my divorce and how he has robbed me of so many things: money, time and my kids.

Yet, there’s no justice.

In the face of what those two women had suffered, mine is nothing. Yet, I feel such a great sense of injustice. 

I know that “vengeance belongs to the Lord” but I can’t help but wonder how God would take vengeance on these evils? 

These people will go to Hell, no doubt. Is that the vengeance He’s taking about? Then how about now? Don’t they deserve some punishment too? I never thought that someone is genuinely wicked until I saw how ugly William was at divorce. Even at that point, he was still trying to rip every cent he could off me. 

May God not only bless the kind, but also gives well-deserved punishments to the wicked.

Revisiting Bukit Timah Hill

I have always wanted to go Bukit Timah Hill again.

I have been there once with Coco and her cousin and another time with my NIE coursemates for a learning journey.

I wanted Baby to experience what a hill was. I know Singapore’s hill is just a mound compared to other countries’ but I would like her to experience a humble hill and have a walk in a nature reserve.

So I asked her favourite cousin along, also my fifth sister’s son, but the third one.

We took a cab down as I didn’t want to tire them out before the climb. 

I was worried that it might be too hot for a climb at 3pm but the shady hill was a pleasant climb even at one of the hottest hours in the day.

They were sure that the Red and Blue routes were too easy for them so they voted for the Intermediate (Green) route unanimously.

The foot of the hill. We walked for a short distance before we spotted a stick marked by green paint, which indicated that we ought to turn to the Green route.

Our first fascination with the man-made steps at Bukit Timah Hill

After taking in all the trees and shrubs in their natural beauty, we were 'surprised' to see a 'man-made waterfall' in the woods

Baby was visibly relieved when she saw the first resting stop, a tiny hut with wooden seats

After quenching our thirst and resting our legs, we journeyed on

It was another some minutes of walk-and-climb until we reached the second hut which was 800m away from the peak

After emerging from the Green route, we came to a cross road where we had to decide if we wanted to climb a flight of stairs which was 150m away from the peak, or take the gentler slope which was 500m to the same destination.

Of course, our two brave souls chose the route few would venture

I was almost out of breath by the time I reached the top

I wondered aloud to the kids,"I distinctively remember there was a huge rock which people would take a picture with to tell people that they were at the peak."

The cruel nephew replied,"Er Yi (Second Aunt), that's 20 years ago."

I later found out from a friend that the Summit Rock is located at the end of the Blue route.

I was very excited to see the steep slope down the hill. I knew it would be the highlight for the kids. 

I read on the internet that the slope is inclined at 40 degrees but for some reason, our handphones just could not capture the steepness of the slope. 

They saw people walking backward so they wanted to try too. However, they gave up after a few steps.

"How can people walk backward without falling down?"

My nephew and I complained of painful toes as we strolled down. The inclined slope compelled our feet to hit against the front part of our shoes with each step. I made a mental note that I would bring a pair of sandals if I ever come here again.

We visited the Visitor Centre for the second time for new bottles of mineral water and a packet of potato chips before we ventured into the Hindhede Nature Park, which was a small park near the entrance of the Hill. I never knew that there was a quarry so I insisted on visiting it. 

We walked along the boardwalk and passed through a rugged play area that seemed more suitable for older children.

Then we came to the viewing point, a small area where a few visitors at a time would be standing to take in the tranquil and relatively unspoiled view. It's the kind of peace which viewers would quieten down as a sign of respect for the environment.

We left just as a few visitors came in to wait for the sunset at 7pm. We didn't think there was a need to do the same as the view we saw was beautiful enough for us.

Before we left, I decided that having a picture with the rock at the entrance is better than having no picture at all.

We walked out to the main road hoping to get a cab and we got to see some cute monkeys and a squirrel

Bukit Timah Hill is very manageable for a short walk. 30 minutes is all it takes for a leisurely walk to go up the summit. Not sure how viable it is for older people but I would probably choose the blue or red route if I come here with my elderly mother.

Nearest MRT station:
Beauty World MRT

Say 'Yes' if Your Friend or Colleague Asks if She Should Divorce

I have at least one friend who thinks I should not divorce for ANY reason. 

I observe that the ones who encourage me to leave are all men while the ones who ask me to stay are all women.

Do women have the mindset that a woman is meant to suffer in a marriage, that once you have made your choice, you should never divorce no matter how miserable you are?

That was my belief: that a woman ought to resign to her fate when she made a bad choice, that she is a lesser human being if she ever divorces, that she doesn’t deserve happiness ever if she divorces - even though the marriage may cause her greater pain. 

Why do women believe that women ought to suffer in the name of ‘keeping a family complete’? The family is never complete with a man always shouting at his wife in front of the kids. Yet as women, we are supposed to suffer the abuse and keep up the appearance “for the sake of the kids”. 

Through my own experience, I have come to realise what a reader had said is true, that a confrontational marriage is never good for the kids. It is far more damaging than not having a “complete family”, something that women with a “complete and whole family” will never understand.

This is a kind friend. A devout Christian who believes she has a personal relationship with God, and I believe she does. She speaks words of wisdom on how to raise a child. Her children love her to bits for her firm yet supportive ways. She was the one who told me our children do not need us when they are at the top, because everybody will cheer them on and give them the support; our children need us when they are at the bottom of the pits because no one will be there for them.

For the first time in a very very long while, when William mentioned that Coco only comes home when she runs into problems, I retorted,"I want her to come home when she runs into problems! I want her to know she has somewhere to run to when she has a problem." 

Much as I adore this friend of mine, I cannot agree to her view that we ought to stay in a terrible marriage till we die. A marriage must not be just in name. I believe we are more than flesh and blood. I believe we have a spirit, which is why we constantly yearn for spiritual and emotional connection.

A chatter had told me I ought to look beyond the physical circumstances to decide if I should divorce. More than just where to stay, he said that I should think about the spiritual aspect first, how it was affecting me. It took me more than ten years to realise that he was right.

I thought environmental stability was the most important thing for a kid. I thought I was doing things in the best interest of Coco. I didn’t know I was doing her harm instead.

I didn't know that mental and emotional abuse is an abuse.

I didn't know that mental and emotional abuse could be worse than physical abuse. I dismissed the mental anguish and emotional pain I was going through constantly, telling myself physical abuse was 10, 000 times worse than this. This is nothing. That I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That these are small matters. 

I didn't know I was abused.

I found security in the familiar zone, like most abused victims. 

I found excuses for his wrongdoings and criminal behaviour, like victims with Stockholm syndrome.

No. Now that my eyes are open, I am sure that God would not want us to be trapped in a deceitful marriage, with someone who refuses to acknowledge that there's something wrong with him, his values and beliefs, the way he disrespects the institution of marriage and the way he treats his wife. 

My friend will not be able to comprehend the magnitude and depth of the perversion of mind of William, because normal people who have an ounce of human kindness towards their family (if he's able to appreciate what 'family' is at all) do not behave like him. Although she insists she understands, the truth is, without living with him and seeing the things he has done to his family, no one can understand what I am saying. In fact, my friend/s would find excuses for him too! "He might be saying that in a fit of anger." "He might be undergoing some form of stress." We all go through stress but it's the way we manage stress that defines us and our values. I am stressed when I can't pay off my bills but I would never never think of stealing from my family even if the money is strewn on the dining table carelessly. I think about how anxious they would feel when they realise their money is gone. I think about how hurt they would feel if they ever know that I had 'taken it'. And above all, "not taking what is yours" ought to be a default, ingrained belief. As teachers, we even teach P1 children not to take their friends' stationery without telling their friends because 'taking without others' permission is stealing'. Why should we have a different set of standard for adults? A thief is a thief. Stealing is stealing. No other way to masquerade it. 

I hope that no one will ever downplay their friend's pain when their friend contemplates divorce. Marrying to the wrong man destroys lives. Please stop advising women to stay married to the wrong man until they die. Women are not made to suffer in marriages. Women are not made to be exploited by men in the name of a holy matrimony. Women are not made to submit to husbands from Hell.  Please don't quote women of yesteryears as the role model for today's women. They suffered till they died, yes. They put up with their husbands' infidelity, drug addiction, gambling addiction and beatings because they were uneducated and did not have the financial means to stand on their own or support their children. One of the reasons women receive education is so that they don't have to continue living the tragedies the yesteryear women had, so that they can be empowered to be in control of their own lives. 

Please don't trap anyone you know in a horrible marriage. Support the woman who contemplates divorce. Lend a listening ear. Tell her that she has every right to divorce as long as she is unhappy with the marriage. She may not know how to word it, like me. She may not be able to put a finger to it, like me. She may be ashamed to list her reasons since she is told that ANY problem in a marriage can be ironed out and her reasons seem too trivial, like me. Tell her to trust her instinct. Don't ask her to list down the reasons. Logic may trump instinct and logic is not always the best indicator in a marriage. The women of yesteryears died in their unhappy marriage due to logic.

Please say 'yes' if your friend or colleague asks you if she should divorce . Don't be afraid to take up the responsibility of that decision. She is not trying to hold you responsible to it. She just wants an affirmation and support from you, to assure her that you will not look down on her if she divorces.

Cheapskate Man. Cheapskate Marriage.

My sisters have been checking with me if I have received the free 10-pack ART (antigen rapid test) kit given out by the MOH (Ministry of Health).

I said I have been checking the mailbox but didn't get it.

I paid $44 for a 5-pack ART kit from Guardian Pharmacy and used a free one from my sister's household.

However, I realised my $44 5-pack ART kit is missing from my bag after I brought it home.

These incidents occur to me how cheapskate a 'man' can be when everything to him in life is measured by monetary worth. 

Even during my last mediation, part of me was still thinking of him not having enough housing fund. He thought I was giving in to his threat and lies. I know I ought to be ruthless like him. He has zero ounce of kinship in him and is just thinking of how to milk the most out of me.

I just want to get away from him ASAP, even at the cost of $70, 000 or more.

I will earn that back in time.

I take it as a costly lesson, literally, to have made the wrong choice, to have believed his lies to marry him.

These costs are nothing compared to the lives of my daughters that he has destroyed.

I had two students whose parents were divorced. The father is footing the bills of the boys. The mother updated the father on their enrichment and tuition classes and the father paid everything.

The mother was living in a condo unit just 15 minutes' walk away from the father's in a prime area and she drove a Mercedes.

I wouldn't have a doubt that the man paid his ex-wife some form of alimony.

Because there was love.

It was probably that past marriage that made me rethink about my own marriage.

If a relationship could still be so cordial and the ex-husband was so responsible towards the woman and her kids, and yet it ended up in divorce, then what am I waiting for? William was not even cordial and responsible in a marriage. Deep within my heart, I knew he didn't love me.

I just didn't expect that he NEVER loved me.

Before marriage, I made it clear to him that I was a single mother. The next man would have to be a Christian and loved my kid as his own.

Oh how he demonstrated that he was the right man then!

He attended church with me, went through water baptism, said his vow at the altar and moved everybody with his speech.

But the second day after marriage, I noticed a change in him.

He was highly communicative before marriage, highly sensitive to my needs and eager to please.

After marriage, he stopped talking. He said I shouldn't expect him to be the same before and after marriage.

Then the money-borrowing episodes started happening.

Then he started stealing from me and the kid/s.

Within half a year, I knew he was a different man. In fact, we quarrelled within 3 days of our marriage but he stopped me from going back to my parents' place, saying it's wrong to do that.

If you think women are entitled to any alimony in Singapore, let me tell you that women do not receive any alimony from men in Singapore. The only women who get alimony from their ex-spouse are those whose ex-husbands have a conscience even if all love is lost.

Yes, very few husbands fight over the care and control for the child. The only ones who fight are those who are trying to use the kids as chips to bargain for a bigger share of the flat (let's just say that no man who's able to afford a condo would do that lah).

Very few husbands would ask the wife to pay for child maintenance.

He tells the lawyer and judge that he has no legal responsibilities towards Coco, the child he promised to love as his own, since he never legally adopted her. Oh, so you had tricked me for 16 years.

Many years ago, I suspected that my marriage was a sham.

16 years on, he's telling me it is.

Ladies, learn from my lesson:

Do not marry a man who asks you to pay for a thing for your wedding.

Do not marry a man who lies to you for the slightest thing even if it seems innocuous or you think it's probably different upbringing or culture.

At the first lie, run.

If a man keeps badgering you not to break up with him, all the more you should. Please do not make the same mistake as me thinking that it's out of love that he can't let you go and he truly loves you. The fact that you want to leave him and he does not allow you to is the first sign of being disrespectful to your wish. And this lack of respect will only grow exponentially after marriage.

Have high expectations for your future husband. Very very high. Don't marry so that you won't be left on the shelf. Don't marry so that you won't be alone.

Because when you are in such a marriage, you would wish you were alone - from the start.

I am Free - after 16 years

Today, I am a free woman! I can't wait to shout this from the top of the world! I am finally free! I am divorced! Congratulate me!

I am sure if you have ever been my reader, you would have read about my most unhappy marriage over and over again. 'Unhappy' is an understatement. It was warped, miserable and torturous. Full of lies and nothing to look forward to, divorce should have happened in the first week of the marriage. It has taken me a lifetime, and had cost me my two daughters whose lives are destroyed.

I have been brought up to believe that a father is necessary for a child. What I never expected was, a lousy father does far more irreversible damages to a child.

I did not dare to divorce because our wedding was solemnised by a pastor. We went through a church wedding. I thought it must be from God and 'God hates divorce', so I must not divorce no matter what.

In any case, he had not raised his hand at me. He had not been unfaithful to me. He did not take drugs. He did not drink alcohol. 

I underestimated the subtle effects of a 'man' who lies. He lies to manipulate and brainwash, and create fake memories in your mind.

I always wondered why Cosette told lies. Now that my eyes are opened, I understand.

For 15 years, not a single day had passed that I did not wonder 'Should I divorce?'

The only time that I stopped thinking about it was when I was playing Pokemon Go like crazy. It allowed me to stop rationalising why I should not divorce or even had the idea of divorce. I knew I was escaping the reality, but it provided me a breathing space. I was helpless and lost. I knew the right thing to do, but I was scared to do it. God hates divorce. How can I even think about it? He did not abuse me. I am in a better state than the women in India. He pays for the electricity bill which cost $300 a month! I won't have an extra $300 to pay utility bills after paying for everything! 

I met an old friend who was my colleague at Tampines Library more than 20 years ago on an extension app of Facebook so we met up and talked. He had become a psychologist. When I told him I was thinking about divorce, and was very afraid that I might die without divorcing, he was utterly surprised. He said,"That goes to show that you deeply want to divorce!"

I told him but I have no biblical grounds to divorce. He did not desert me. He did not commit adultery.

As a Christian, he enquired of his pastor about my situation. He returned to tell me that his pastor said that it's abuse.

I finally found a 'valid' ground for a divorce.

What really sealed the decision and prompted me to find a lawyer to execute the divorce proceedings was when my most beloved passed away.

I bought a family niche to put his ashes so that my mother's ashes would be able to be put together with his when she's called home to be with the Lord.

As his urn was placed in the niche, it dawned on me that if I remain married to him in my lifetime, my ashes would be placed with his after I passed! This would signify that even in death, I would not be able to get away from him! Even though I knew that my spirit would not be in my ashes, or in that niche, I felt very strongly that I did not want to be with him in death. 

Then a question popped in my mind: 

If you don't even want to be with him in death, why would you want to be with him when living? And you are not a tree. You can move if you don't want to be there.

I started talking to him about a divorce. He cried and said,"I will always love you! No matter what happens. Even if you divorce me, I will take care of you. If I have a girlfriend, I would tell her that my ex-wife will come first, and no woman will be able to accept that."

Wow, how touching, right?

So I met up with 5 or 6 lawyers and settled on the cheapest but sympathetic lawyer and began to draft my divorce proposal.

She said if we could talk amicably and settle all the terms, it would be quick and cheap.

Sounds good. I am sure we can. We are after all mature sensible adults. We want to do this without hurting each other. After all, we have been married for 15 years. 

My lawyer sent him the draft in February. 

He didn't respond until May. He told me he 'just want Baby' because he loved her. Since he loved Baby, I said 'okay'. I told Baby we could meet up on weekends. 

Then he said he just wanted the flat. I paid 65% for the flat. He wanted 50-50. I said 'okay'. I just wanted to get it over and done with. My lawyer said,"It won't be the last time that he changes the terms." I said,"I am sure it's the last time. Just do it."

But the lawyer was right. He asked for child maintenance.

Yes, you read that right. He wanted the child so that he could ask for child maintenance from me!

He loved me right? He would take care of me right?

He said,"My lawyer told me that the judge would throw the proposal out of the window if there's no child maintenance from one of the parties! It's a MUST legally for both parties to maintain the child! Your lawyer knows nothing! Why did you get such a cheap lawyer? Does she need me to teach her? She should go back to the law school!"

I checked with my lawyer.

She said it's not true. As long as two parties agree to it, there is no issue. "Tell him to show you his lawyer's statement if that's true! It cannot be that his lawyer just said it without any documentation."

Subsequently, I checked with another lawyer and she said it's unlikely that his lawyer would give him the wrong advice. "For all you know, that's what he wants," she said, looking at me knowingly.

I felt that my cheap and young lawyer did not seem to be able to battle his crafty lawyers so I went in search of another lawyer.

I was very keen to engage the next lawyer I met, who so kindly spoke with me for 1h 45 min and explained at length many things. 

However, I felt that she was too kind and too fair. I was worried she might not be the match of crafty lawyers.

So I decided to go back to the most expensive lawyer I had met earlier on when I was shopping for a lawyer.

I paid her $13k on the spot, up till mediation. 

She drafted the proposal and sent it out to his lawyer.

Long story short. We went through four rounds of mediation. Today was the final round. The judge was kind and patient. I was shocked at how kind she was and made the decision to accept the loss to hasten the divorce process.

But I am sure William would have thought that his threat worked.

He said,"I am not afraid to contest. I know she has $80k - $100k in her assets."

If only I have. After marrying him, I was constantly forking out money for the house, the reno, the trips and supporting myself and Cosette.

I just didn't threaten him back with "I know he has two companies in which he transferred his name out within the year. He's earning $15k a month and he's only paying a miserable $100 per month's utility bill of which he is the main user." 

What made me hesitate was the next one or two years that I have to spend with him.

A few nights before the mediation, I had chanced upon the video on how Samsung's 50-year-old chairwoman Lee Boo-jin had to pay huge sums of money to her ex-husband for her divorce even though he was a lousy husband.

I am not sure if that was how God prepared me for today's mediation. I felt that it's been a lifetime. It's been too too long, so long that I did not think I could ever escape.

When the judge said,"All issues have been resolved." and left the Zoom meeting, I broke down and cried tears of joy and relief. I couldn't believe that a divorce was possible.

My lawyer got a shock. She panicked and asked me,"Why are you crying? Why are you crying? You don't have to agree if you don't want. We will fight."

I shook my head and asked,"Is it over? When can it be finalised?"

When you have been emotionally kidnapped for so long, you do not believe that an escape is possible.

I now see a glimpse of hope in my life.

Whoever knows me and my awful marriage would be happy for me.

I know he will not let me off. Like those stalker ex-husbands who killed their ex-wives, he would continue to torture me using Baby, creating inconveniences to frustrate or exasperate.

In fact, it has begun. After the mediation, he spent hours with his lawyer to draft up minute details of care and control matters, the most ridiculous being wanting to keep Baby's important documents and passport. For one, he has never taken Baby overseas without me before. In fact, if not for me demanding him to spend time with the kids and me, he probably never would. He said that the party who wants to take Baby overseas would have to seek consent from him. The party would have to get her passport from him, and return the passport within one week of return. Obviously, this 'party' refers to me.

Since you have never kept her important documents and never taken her overseas before, why are you requesting to doing this now? Since you said that our relationship is acrimonious, why do you want interaction?

Unreasonable and insensible. Horribly childish. 'Immature' is an understatement.

As of now, I am paying the full loan of the flat since at least 10 years ago after he stopped contributing to his CPF. I am also paying for the internet bill that he's also using. I am also paying for the town council bill which he claimed to pay. He told the judge that he has made 'MUCH MUCH MORE' indirect contributions to the family.

Lots of damage, you mean.

And he actually told the judge that he's very worried that 35% would not be able to cover his accrued interest because it 'A LOT'. You know how much it was? $30k.

How laughable!

It would be such a disgrace if anyone know I was ever related to this dumbass by marriage.

Now I know why women want nothing to do with men, even at a great price. Because it's a reflection of their grave lack of intelligence and poor taste.

One of the greatest lessons I have learnt from this sham marriage is:

Find a man who's richer than you. A poor man is not just financially poor, although there are often good reasons why they are poor. He is also morally bankrupt and thinks women who are tricked by them are just plain stupid and should be fully made use of. And he only loves himself.

In Chinese, we have an ancient but apt proverb to sum up how a marriage should be:

竹门对竹门

木门对木门

Congratulate me, readers. I am free from his clutches.

Helen Lim, you think he's a great husband. You can have him, bitch!

In Remembrance of My Loved Ones

 I lost two loved ones within half a year.

Until now, sometimes, I am in some form of denial. I imagine he's still living so tears won't flow. My nephew said the Chinese sinner's prayer with him. A pastor came and prayed for him and despite the pastor telling him he need not repeat after her, he did it voluntarily.

My faith is not as strong as I was when I was a teenager. Sometimes I even wonder if there's really heaven, and if he's up there.

I believe that God is kind and merciful. I believe He would grab at any chance to save his beloved children. I hope that I will go to heaven too. I would miss him so much I kept crying. I walked to the sofa and sat down and continued to cry. Then suddenly, I thought I saw, from the black-screen TV, the reflection of a figure sitting about one or two persons' space away from me! I turned my head to my left quickly, but there was no one there.

I lost him in December last year.

In June, I lost a dear friend to uterine cancer.

She just turned 40 then.

She was a very brave and optimistic lady. Always positive. Always encouraging. Never judging. Always understanding.

Singles tend to make the worst critics of parents. They would tell you 'if this is my child, I would ...' as if they are the most perfect parents in the world.

I can't resist and would say,"Wait till you have one first."

But my friend wasn't like that at all. She understood the challenges of parenthood.

She's a beautiful lady too. I am not being biased. Anyone I showed her picture to would say "she's pretty". She had a pair of large Eurasian eyes and porcelain skin. 

She's an extremely determined person. She shed her obese weight within a few months. Even when she was overweight, I knew she was beautiful. She dropped more than 20kg within months. Everybody was amazed by her transformation. How many of us often lament how fat we are but lack the perseverance to stick to the diet or exercise regime? Not her.

Her eyes were always smiling. I haven't seen a time when she was in a bad mood. I used to think that such optimism could not be genuine. We were both non-graduates earning a measly pay as trained teachers. How could anyone be happy all the time? But she never once complained about the long hours or the low wage. She just tendered her resignation and became a full-time tutor teaching every possible subject she could.

When she knew about the cancer 3 years ago, it was already at Stage 4B. I didn't have a clue. She never talked or posted about it on her Facebook. But I did notice that she didn't engage with my posts as often as she used to. I thought she had moved on to other friends as would many. I am not a sociable person and I hardly initiate contact or a meet-up so I don't have many social friends.

One day, she posted a tribute to a friend whom she lost to cancer. She reminisced about the time when they were doing chemotherapy at a clinic. I was shocked and asked a mutual friend about it.

She was surprised that I didn't know and shared that my friend had rushed herself to the hospital when large volumes of blood gushed out from under, and that was how she came to know that cancer cells had been ravaging her body.

She was a Buddhist and would discuss Buddhist philosophies at length and what she made sense of them. A few years ago, she went travelling in Europe. She came to an 800-year-old church and lay in the snow, telling God,"If you are real, take me home." I don't know what she went through, but she became a believer. 

She said, looking at the snowflakes around her, she felt that it was a miracle that each snowflake is unique in design. Her cancer did not make her disillusioned or bitter about why she was stricken with cancer after accepting Christ. Instead, she was ever more convinced that there must be a God who is behind the miraculous make-up of a human body!

Her parents also accepted Christ and were water-baptised with her shortly after.

Despite being in the final stage of her illness and feeling unwell, she came to my father's wake on the last day. She knew that I wouldn't have colleagues to drop by.

When I went to her wake, her mother told me she had asked her how to get to the wake venue.

At the crematorium at the final service, the pastor read out a letter she had left behind.

She assured everybody that she had had a fulfilling life doing what she loved - teaching and travelling, and she urged everybody not to feel sad that she had departed and left for the heavenly home. She asked that we remember her every evening when we see the beautiful sky before the sun sets, as her name suggests.

She is so sensitive, thoughtful and considerate to everybody around her, even after she's passed.

Tears welled up in my eyes when I followed the hearse. Her aged parents walked slowly behind it. How painful it is for parents to send their child on her final journey!

Even on her deathbed, she reminded her father to go to church.

She donated her limited edition Yamaha piano to the church so that the music produced by it would continue to bless the church and its congregation.

Less than a month later after my friend passed, I was walking home when a butterfly-like moth came and stuck itself to my dress!

I thought it would fly away as I walked but surprisingly, it didn't. It stuck to my dress for as long as I didn't remove it! I suddenly remembered how people would often mention the appearance of a moth at their loved ones' wake or after the funeral. Some believe that it's their loved one coming back to see them.

I brought the moth with a broken wing home and put it in a container with flour. I had googled 'food for moths' and it stated that moths eat flour. 

However, the moth didn't survive from whatever it was suffering from. I buried it using some dry leaves under a bush.

I wondered too if my loved ones had come in the form of a moth to visit me and to tell me everything's okay.

Passing of a Childhood Friend

A couple of nights ago, as I was thinking about my life, a childhood friend came to mind. 'Childhood' perhaps isn't the most accurate word to describe that period of my life. I knew him when I was 15 or 16. That would be my growing-up years when I spent the bulk of my time in church, cell group, prayer meetings and church-related activities.

We had a very small cell group then which made up of only 1 cell group leader and 4 of us, 3 girls and 2 boys. The cell group leader was a 18-year-old boy while the rest of us were 15 to 17.

The friend in question was a very nice guy, bespectacled and sensitive, humorous and positive.

We spent a lot of time chatting and laughing together talking about our crushes in church and our aspirations.

Many years ago when I searched for him on Facebook, he looked like he was wearing a long wig and a bandana scarf, looking happy. 

When I searched for him again, a page titled 'In loving memory of K (my friend's name)' lay starkly below his Facebook name.

I clicked and it stated that he had passed away in 2018.

I couldn't believe it. He's only one year older than I. 'Cancer' came to mind.

I did my searches. Couldn't remember what I did - could be google, could be links from the different pages - but I finally found the link in a Taiwan paper which stated that a Singaporean primary school teacher who taught in a Taiwanese local school had plunged 15 floors to his death, December 2018.

I just googled again and found that the incident was also reported in our local paper. In case the link ever disappears, I attach the articles here as images:

For anyone (if there's anyone at all) who's reading, it states that a student displayed poor attitude resulting in K man-handling him, pulling his shirt, causing his neck to leave telling marks. The student's parents threatened to sue and the school would dismiss K.

The Taiwanese paper suspected that he could not take the double blow and committed suicide.

Before he jumped, he sent a message to his wife who was deep in slumber in the same house: 

老婆，我爱你一生一世。

(Meaning 'I love you forever')

I thought about him and how lonely he must have felt.

I thought about the time when I received a parental complaint and all attention was on me, a small fry teacher.

As much as it's commonly known that teachers invariably receive complaints from parents and parents are difficult, over-protective, particular or just plain fussy, it's actually very disturbing for a teacher to receive complaints especially at the school management or MOE level. My last boss told me nowadays parents just shoot emails directly to the Director of MOE.

For a long-time teacher who has always prided himself/herself in being a dedicated and committed teacher, a parental complaint like this is extremely traumatic.

I informed my close friend who was in the same cell group and was also close to K that K had passed away. She thought it a pity that a warm and nice person had passed.

She said if he had loved his wife so much, he should not have committed suicide.

I replied that when a person reaches that stage, he would not be thinking 'I love my family so I am going to carry on no matter how difficult it is'. Rather, it would be 'I am sorry. I love you all but I can't take this anymore'.

She said it's just a job. He could find another.

I said it's not so easy for a teacher.

Firstly, once you have a bad record in one school, that record follows you wherever you go. Your next potential principal will definitely give a call to your previous school to find out how you are as a teacher. In fact, teachers in Singapore has a file which follows them throughout their career. Whichever school they are posted to, the file will reach the school so that the principal could make reference to it. 

So once you have a bad record, there's no way you can teach in another school.

Secondly, if you are talking about a job-switch, after teaching for close to 20 years, and in your mid 40s, you are just about deskilled from other types of jobs by then. And the probability of getting hired in your 40s for a comparable wage is very low unless you are seeking management-level positions. For teachers who leave their job, they can't be applying at management level in other fields.

She said then just go into private tuition.

Yes, if you are ready to take a huge pay-cut and accept the unstable income.

These are also the reasons why many teachers feel trapped in their job. 

When I google further using K's Chinese name, I realised that he was an author for books on how to improve English for Taiwanese children. He also had videos on similar subjects.

To be honest, I couldn't tell it's him if I go by his accent. He's been acclimatised to and adopted Taiwanese accent.

My close friend confirmed that it's him. She said she remembered his powerful Mandarin which I didn't give so much credit to.

For the next few days, I continued to click on links in his related Facebook pages and web pages. He's buried in Taiwan where his wife is living while his mother set up a tablet for him in a temple in Singapore.

He was a Christian.

When Jesus is coming back so soon, it pains me that my friend who was so on fire for Him passed away without Him and is remembered as a non-believer.

I wondered what would have happened if I had initiated contact with him when I first searched for him on Facebook.

Perhaps nothing would have changed, but perhaps he would not have felt so lonely in his own experience after he listened to my story.

I am going through a very difficult time in my life right now. I am more than grateful for friends whom I have not seen in years or even decades to reach out to me via Facebook Messenger. I feel supported and it gives me ounces of strength to go on.

Perhaps we should send simple messages to friends whom we think are surrounded by fans. They may well be the people who need the support most.

Monopoly - Of Grace and Tenacity

Baby is a huge fan of Monopoly. She could play the board game every day for hours! 

Yesterday and today, she asked me to play with her. Since I have been relatively free, I have obliged her.

She's a completely different kind of player from me. I would get dispirited when I am on a losing streak and keep having to pay the bank and other players. I would also give up on the game altogether if I keep having to go to jail and not collecting $2000 when I pass 'Go'.

Baby is a super sporting player. She would not quit when she keeps losing money. Even when she doesn't have a dollar on her anymore, she would sell away her houses, mortgage lands, or even ask to defer payment to continue playing! And she would remain optimistic, highly spirited and cheerful as she continues to play! For a petty player like me, I can never grasp how she is able to do that. I would refuse to sell away a thing that I have. I would rather give up the game than lose anything in my possession. I have a lot to learn from her when it comes to playing games!

Her strategy is to buy up whichever land she comes to land on.

However, she builds very few houses as she has this superstitious belief that people stop landing on her lands when she builds houses there. One of the very few lands she built houses on had me landed on it. She was so thrilled she took a picture of it with the money I paid her for: $5500!

I landed on the same place 3 times!

Although the game ended with me as the winner - for once - since I built multiple hotels and houses, her graciousness at losing a game and never-say-die attitude are very admiring. 

May she apply the same grace and tenacity to her studies.

Same Old Same Old

The Guardinia bread had been sitting on the kitchen counter for a few days so I decided to use it up.

As usual, the girls enjoyed it. In fact, they wanted more but there was not enough eggs so they had to make do with extra 2.5 pieces of french toast each instead of 3 each.

Cadence asked for oyster sauce chicken and 豆苗 with mushrooms

She decided to make another attempt at sunny-side up. The one at the far-left bottom was hers. We are all egg-lovers! 

Over the dinner, the girls talked about their cooking experience. Coco said that she and her Home Econs partner were terrible at cracking eggs and they never had 2 full eggs for their dishes or pastries. Each time, at least half an egg would fall onto the kitchen counter as they would crack the egg so terribly. Baby was appalled at their incompetence. She asked me to get the oven fixed after 13 June when the Covid situation is better so that she could try baking.

One doesn't want to cook. The other is eager.