Friday, 22 June 2007

Insomnia: my job

I can't get to sleep.

I find teaching really stressful. Not the 'teaching', you know? It's the miscellaneous, nitty gritty administrative stuff that really gets on your nerve.

I'm bothered by the inefficiency of the school. I can't believe it. I've been in the school for almost two months and I don't even have a generic password for the common computers. And I don't even have a laptop just yet. I have to wait till school reopens, and after the laptop is given to me, I don't know how long more I have to wait before it can start servicing me. God knows what else is involved in the starting to use of the laptop!

Tomorrow, or rather, today, later, in about 4.5 hours, I'll have to be in school. And I can't sleep! I have to remember to do this and that, ask this and that so that I can do this and that. I hate the job because of all these mundane stuff. And it's not like I procrastinate. Others procrastinate and I have to bear the brunt of it. I can't work on the admin stuff without a laptop at my work station. It's just not working well doing them at home. I have to delay all my questions and doubts till the next working day before I can get to even ask them. And it doesn't mean that I get the answers straight away.

I don't understand why teaching can't be like what our teachers used to do in the good old days, where teaching really means 'teaching'.

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Yearn for a break

It's been really 'eventful' these few days.

My father rained punches on William when William threatened to divorce me and started to make a call to the lawyer to make an appointment. My parents were indignant when he said I ought to pay for the utility bills. Before he could finished stating the kinda bills he thought I ought to pay for, my father dashed up to him and boxed him in the face!

Subsequently, my mother held onto William so that he couldn't ran away the same way he does every time there is a confrontation. But my father hit him repeatedly as William was held onto.

It was a horrible sight. I screamed and screamed and tried to restrain my father while trying to get my mother to release William at the same time. I was worried that William might retaliate and hit my father back.

He bled from the mouth.

It was really horrible. The whole saga.

Today, we quarrelled again over my teaching resources. I had left my teaching resources at his mother's place two years back as his mother's place was just opposite our school.

As a result, some resources were not found and I had asked him to go look for them again by this week. I need him to return my resources to me by this weekend so that I can start teaching immediately when school reopens.

He raised his voice and started to quarrel with me. I got angry and raised my voice too so that the whole world can hear our fight.

I even got violent and started hitting him in my frustration.

I feel that this marriage has turned me into a monster. It's not me to want to hit him. It's not me to announce to the whole world what we fought about. It's not me to wash dirty linen in public.

It's not me.

I can't help but feel that there doesn't seem to be any way out for this marriage.

I don't know if it's because we haven't put enough effort into making the marriage work, or is it me who haven't, or is it him who hasn't. We're fighting over every little thing. I'm sick and tired of these fights. I married him thinking he's a phlegmatic person. I was tired of the kind of life I led with my elder sister trying so hard to pick a fight with me every day over everything. Now I end up switching a partner to fight over trivialities with!

We are just 1.5 yrs into our marriage and we're constantly fighting. I'm embarrassed by the fights. I always hope that I don't run into any of the neighbours, or hope that they don't know that I am one of the people who was in the fights or quarrels.

I want a break from this marriage.

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Give thanks

It's been more than a week since results are out.

I'm happy (for a lack of better words to describe how I feel) the way things have turned out. Lots of people are disgruntled about their honours grading.

It's a huge relief not to be one of them, really. I've had my share of grouse during my Dip Ed days, and still have - if not for that si ang moh (in Huiyi's words, haha ...) supervisor and that stupid cooperating teacher whom I can't even remember her name, I would have been able to cross over and got my degree 2 years earlier, and need not fork out 12k cold hard cash just for the school fees alone. I'm confident that I would still have been able to get the honours I got today, two years ago, if not even better. Now, I don't even get to be considered for First Class because my darn practicum only had 'pass'. The comfort lies in me getting the same pay as a First Class although First Class obviously enjoys higher prestige. I need to remind myself that the pay bracket was my ultimate aim, not the prestige, now that I've gotten it. I wouldn't want God to take away something He has given because I've grown haughty.

It's with trepidation that I reopened the portal services to retrieve my final exam results. I'm so afraid that what I had seen earlier could be a mistake. I'm so worried that someone might call me up and tell me that there's been a mistake. I get really paranoid. I kept thinking if there's anything I could have missed out to verify that it's my result slip - the name, the number I punched in to gain access to the results etc. Up till now, I'm still worried that there might be a mistake.

In any case, I've laid my hand on what many would be envious of. I ought to feel grateful that I get to snag a degree in my lifetime, by the virtue of NIE.

There're quite a few 'shock' cases in which friends or people whom we deem 'good' or 'intelligent' or 'lots of As one' do not get a better honours. Sometimes it just makes you wonder how the system works ie. why people who get vastly different results get the same kinda grading.

But I'm really glad that this time, there's justice (although many would vehemently disagree). And my hard work paid off, finally.

I sent a few thank-you emails to a few tutors. I've always wanted to thank them but didn't do it during the term time because I didn't want to feel like I was buttering them up even though my conscience is clear. I'm really thankful to these tutors who had help me got this far in the ways they could. Actually, it's been my wish to thank those interviewers who granted me the job. If not, I would still have been stuck in my 'A' level position, drawing $1.3k gross per month, doing some reception duties, admin or clerical job. I wouldn't have been able to get Coco into the school she is in now either.

I'm really grateful. For the things that God has done in my life. For the events - bad and good - that took place to get me here. For the nice people who were there for me when I needed help. I can't ask for more.

Monday, 4 June 2007

Backlog on Christmas 2006

Had edited my first Christmas posting to add in the food pics, but realised that it's quite a pain. To avoid complications, I've decided to just backlog on the occasion:

The Christmas tree ...

William and Coco had unanimously asked for a 'purple' Christmas tree, so I went out and bought purple deco stuff to embellish the tree. It made me realise that a bigger tree also means higher expenditure for the decoration items. I had insisted on a 7 feet tree as I wanted to live out my fantasy of a 'real' Christmas tree ('real' as in 'huge and majestic-looking' as seen on cartoons on TV). The fairy lights also look miserable on the huge tree. I'll probably get another string of fairy lights to brighten up the tree this year.

More pics on the spread ...

It's the first time we had a potluck for an accasion. It was a really quite last-minute decision to celebrate Christmas this way. A few sms exchanges and we were on our way to decide who brings what to the party.
We had a great time feasting, and the kids had a great time opening up their presents.