The Most Difficult Job in the World

There have been much online discussion about the boy who jumped because of his failing grades.

I am disturbed that people blame the parents for expecting certain grades from their children.

Are parents not supposed to expect some effort from their children? I believe most parents are able to gauge the intelligence level of their children and we demand a match in their grades to their intelligence level. I got very upset when I saw F9 on Coco's result slip because I saw how unprepared she was for her exam. I saw her on her phone throughout her exam preparations. I didn't see any evidence of any form of diligence in studying. I didn't expect her to do well but getting F9 was too much, don't you think? 

On the other hand, if I had seen her completing all the past year papers and attempting every question, memorising what she could (rather than telling me there is nothing to memorise), and yet failed, I would have comforted her that she had tried her best and that was all that mattered.

No parent wants to drive his or her child to death. The fact is, we do not know how our children would handle failures. 

If one finds it alarming that the mother of the boy was lamenting,"I only asked for 70 marks, not 80 marks.", he or she has not been a parent of an average student, or even a parent at all.

I am ranting in this post because I am so sick and tired of people pointing fingers at parents and blaming them when children jump to their deaths.

Who are the ones who suffer most when the children kill themselves? Are they not the parents who lost their children? Who would expect the children to jump off the building when being reprimanded? Are parents not allowed to chide their children when they don't live up to their expectations?

Of course, I do not know the details of the case and I am not discussing the case as a stand-alone incident, but I have an issue with people questioning if the parents had scolded the child for performing badly. It is totally befitting for a parent to berate her child for doing badly, whether the child has put in effort for his studies. I would question what kind of parent you are if you are fine with your child failing in school, and molly-coddling him that all will turn out fine. 

I was a slow child. 'Slow' as in an average to below-average student. I failed my Maths and Science very frequently. My elder sister never hesitated to dish out a barrage of 'why are you so stupid?!!' and 'so easy also dunno!' on a daily basis when I asked her for help in Maths. My father once pushed my failing Science paper back to me and said curtly,"I am not signing!"

I didn't go jump off the block of flats.

I knew it was unacceptable. I knew it was my fault that I failed no matter how slow a learner I was. We all knew failing grades were unacceptable, but very few of us, if any, went jumping to our deaths.

Why don't we blame the media or the Internet for the lack of resilience in our children as compared to the children of yesteryear?

Those are the things that seem to set the generations apart.

I am not sure how many parent feel like me - the father and son who had too many people telling them how to bring their donkey to the market.

Too many people and articles are teaching us how to parent our children and pointing their fingers at us when things go wrong.

We wish to be God too. 

Mother Forgets

Last Wednesday was PSLE Results Release Day.

Ever since I experienced The Day first-hand as a parent three years ago, I always feel very emotional when I see children going up the stage for different reasons. You can be sure my eyes are never dry on this day.

I remember feeling 'meh' when I read on my Facebook that some P6 students were asking if anyone was going to receive the results with their parents.

I thought,"It's just some exam results. What's the big deal? You are not Primary One kid, you know?"

However, when it came my turn, it seemed all-important that I had to go with Coco.

I even taunted William when he expressed disinterest in following us,"We may go jump off a building together after getting the results!"

There are things that you won't understand or won't do until you are a parent.

So, when the students were led to their classrooms to receive their results, I asked a colleague whose daughter went to a top girls' school,"Did you cry when you got your daughter's results?"

She looked a little surprised,"No. I didn't go to school with her."

I was even more surprised,"Why didn't you? Surely your husband was there with her?"

She replied,"He wasn't, either!" after which she reflected a little and said,"I never saw myself as a parent. I always see myself as a teacher. My students are here, so I have to be here. It never occurred to me that I could apply for leave or time-off to go get the results with my daughter."

I don't know if I had crossed the line, but the colleague felt quite guilty over the matter, and did some reflection over her relationship with her only daughter who has gone overseas for further studies that day. The next day, she came to me and told me she apologised to her daughter for not accompanying her to receive her PSLE results and the times when her daughter had experienced loneliness in her life because she was not there with her.

Another colleague tried to assuage the mother-colleague's guilt by assuring her that not all parents accompany their children to receive their results, citing herself as an example, but I felt it was a weak attempt as they would belong to two different generations of daughters.

This little talk between my colleague and me makes me think about how teachers often neglect their children because of the demands of their jobs.

I used to be a guilty mother when Coco was younger. I forgot about the need to get Teachers' Day presents for her teacher when she was in Nursery and a few deadlines from her schools. I could never be a parent volunteer much as she would like me to. Now I try to be more mother-conscious about the girls' stuff nowadays but it's not always possible to remember or do what stay-home mothers could about their children's matters.

Recently, I have applied for leave for next year to focus more on Baby and Coco. I have quoted my health as the main reason. The boss is very displeased about it. In fact, it is not approved yet. I hope I get it though. I am not sure what the next step is if she does not approve it.

After Meet-the-Parent

I feel shameless as a mother. 

I have not taught Baby this year, at least not conscientiously.

I stopped her Math enrichment in the first half of the year when she didn't feel like going.

I stopped her Chinese enrichment in the first half of the year when she vehemently refused to go for lessons.

If you ask me what I have taught her, I can only tell you I have got her to rewrite the Chinese characters at the back of the Chinese textbook and got her to complete a few Math papers.

What have I done with her for English? The only thing I did with her was going to the library with her and reading to her, sometimes.

I have not made her do an English paper, or got her to write a composition - because she didn't want to write.

I have wanted her to enjoy her first year of formal schooling, and I wanted to see how she does without external intervention. I wanted to see if she would do well 'naturally' with just her teacher teaching her.

But when the form teacher gave out the 5 invitation cards for the top performers in class, I actually felt disappointed, shamelessly disappointed.

I knew without parental support, it's almost impossible for a child to be among the top 5 performers in class in this school, but yet, I felt disappointed.

When I came home, I felt bothered. I couldn't sleep. I kept playing my Bejeweled Blitz because I couldn't make peace with myself.

Then I decided to exit the bedroom to watch some TV. I saw her report book on the dining table and flipped it open. And I realised Baby didn't do that bad after all.

You see, the school has printed the result slip such that her Overall results are shown first while her CA2 and SA2 come after that! I had zoomed into the last page because usually that is the page that matters most since it almost always indicates the 'final' score. However, for some reason, this time, I looked at her Overall Percentage and realised that she actually comes very close to the top 5th. The form teacher had revealed to the last few remaining parents that the top 3 performers had at least 92%. I would gather 90.7% wasn't too shabby a score - a score that's without much help.

I actually felt a lot better when I figured that out. I had felt lousy after going to the Meet-the-Parent briefing in which the form teacher met the parents as a class. One of the parents spoke to me and mentioned that her child had 85 for English. I had thought Baby had done really badly as generally the class did badly for their SA2 English because of the sudden increase of weightage for the writing component which they were not adequately prepared for.

When I examined the Overall scores closely, I realised Baby had done better than some of those children who had gone for enrichment classes throughout the year. 

I feel strangely relieved but still feel guilty that I had not helped Baby. 

I realise that as long as my children are studying in a Singapore school, I will not be able to detach grades from their studies, no matter how much I hope they can enjoy their childhood. I am not an enlightened parent who is able to ignore grades as long as my children enjoy learning. I had thought that since I am a 'seasoned' parent, I would not mind when my child is not one of the top 5 performers. 

I am a Singapore mother after all.

Unsound Advice

When I see or hear people dishing out THE advice, "Let him/her fail to teach her a lesson." the first thing that comes to my mind is: let yours fail first.

Most of these people are singles, of course.

They tell you how they will surely allow their daughter or son fail their exam to 'wake them up from their idea'.

And those who are parents themselves,  surprisingly, give such advice. And surprise surprise, they never allow their own children to fail any exam, primarily because their daughter or son never exasperates them to that extent. But yours does. It reflects bad parenting. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and what else can be more drastic than getting your child to fail?

They don't stop to think about the consequences of failing an exam for a child.

At best, failing an exam could, might really wake the child up, and perhaps the child would shine academically for ever and ever.

But how many times does that happen?

There are more failure stories about children failing exams. For one success story, I have twenty failure stories to counter the effectiveness of such a tactic. As it is, I haven't heard of a success story from failing an exam, but I have seen many failure stories and broken dreams from doing badly in exams.

At worst, these children don't get up from then on. The belief that they are stupid and doomed to failure is affirmed through the failed exam.

By now it should be clear as day that I am against 'let him/her fail the exam' advice.

It is a lousy advice. Period.

So stop asking people to let their children fail an exam. The advisor himself or herself reflects the very essence of bad parenting.

If you feel you have failed: for the PSLE parents

At one of my lowest points in parenting, I came across this letter by the writer Darci on Facebook.

It is for the parent who feels he or she has failed.

In the event you feel you have failed as parent, especially after you have received your child's PSLE results, please read the letter. It is for you.

A love letter to parents

Dear moms and dads and caregivers out there: I have said this before, but I am feeling the need to say it again - This is a love letter to you.

Time and time again while talking to parents, I hear about the intense guilt and fear that we feel in our parenting. We worry that we are doing something wrong, that we don't love our kids enough, or in the right way, or in the same way that our friends love their kids. We worry that we did the wrong thing or said the wrong thing or that we have somehow missed the boat with our children.

We worry that our kids are eating too much or not eating enough. We worry that our kids aren't getting enough sleep or reading enough books or learning the right things. We worry that our instincts are wrong or that we chose the wrong parenting book to follow or that we are pushing too hard or not pushing hard enough.

Every day I talk to parents who are doing their best and striving to do better. Parents who are reading and thinking and changing and growing along with their children. Parents who are contemplating their own practices and interactions with their children and challenging themselves to go deeper into this world of parenting than ever before.

And I think it is amazing.

And I think you are amazing.

And I think we are all human. Destined to be less than perfect much of the time. It is easy to find countless things to worry about and regret and struggle over. It is easy to find things that don't make sense or that we did differently from others. It is easy to get lost in those things and lose sight of what is in our hearts. And when we do that, it is almost impossible to trust ourselves, our instincts and our own inner wisdom about what is right for our families. And that is when we get lost, feel alone and judged and scared and overwhelmed. It's easy to go there.

But instead, let's be gentle with ourselves and realize some simple truths:

1) There is no perfect parent.
Parenting is not about perfection. It is about supporting another human along this path called life, with all its twists and turns and bumps. There is no perfect path, only amazing journeys. When we stop judging ourselves on how imperfect we are according to others, we can start truly being present in the path we are on.

2) We will mess up.
If there is a parent out there that hasn't lost their cool, said something they regret, done something they wished they hadn't, I would like to meet them. Most of us will have moments, days, weeks that don't look like we want them to look. The question is not whether or not that will happen, but what we do about it. How do we pull ourselves back together? How do we process it with our children? How do we get help when we need it?

3) It is never too late to change course.
So often I hear parents say,"It's too late, I did X when I should have done Y and now my child will never ..." It's never too late; that's the beauty of being mindful and aware of our parenting. If we are aware, we can be flexible. If we are gentle with ourselves, we can understand that something isn't working and try something new. If we are open, we can become aware of changes in our children, ourselves and our environment that call for a change of course. That's life. It doesn't mean we did something wrong.

Parenting is a journey. The path is rocky. We will probably trip and fall sometimes, and it's never too late to change direction. When we realise that we are walking this path with our children, rather than for them, the journey becomes so much more enjoyable. When we spend our time looking back at all the things we stumbled on, we miss the connection to our child in the moment, we miss the scenery we are currently passing by and, maybe most importantly, we miss the road signs that are up ahead. Our child, our families, our hearts may be trying to tell us something and we just can't hear it because we are too busy feeling like bad parents.

So, this is my love letter to all of you, all the moms and dads and caregivers who are thinking about parenting so deeply. Instead of focusing on guilt, let's focus on what we are doing right. If we are leading with our hearts and doing what we feel is best for our child, we can and should trust our own path. If we are listening to our families and exploring our own patterns and becoming aware of our own mistakes, then we are leaps and bounds ahead of the game. If we are guiding our children with love and respect, they will feel it. Even if we mess up. Which we will. And if we treat our children like people in their own right, they will live up to the task. Even if they mess up. Which they will. And together, our messiness becomes life. A life worth living.

A Lonely Journey

Many times, I feel lonely as a parent.

I had Coco when I was 25 or 26. My friends were either enjoying their singlehood or had only started dating.

When I took Coco to her first music class when she was 4 or 5, I was possibly the youngest mother there. Or at least, I looked the youngest.

Most of the time, mothers prefer to socialise with mothers around the same age, so that leaves me out of the picture.

I think the only time I felt accepted as a mother was during Coco's P1 orientation days. A young-looking mother in her forties was friendly to me and initiated the talks. But I am such a clumsy person at face-to-face conversation that I didn't know how to continue the small talks. On and off, I met her at different events in Coco's school - P4 Immersion Programme, Mid Autumn Celebration and other occasions. She lives very near Coco's school, yet is always very unassuming. Her daughter was a Gepper and eventually scored more than 270. A very humble mother indeed.

Years on, I had another baby. This time, I was 33. Kind of old for the first-time mothers who have babies in the same year. So I don't get to have any playmates for my little one either.

I wish to have playdates for her, but for someone clumsy with verbal communication, I don't know how to go about doing it. Had tried to join the gatherings for the mothers who gave birth in the same year, but were not fruitful. This time round, I felt awkward because the mothers looked much younger than I was.

Although my friends in real life have kids now, since more than a decade has passed, their oldest kids are P1, P2 or in kindy.

The only friend who is close in age with me and has a kid with the same age is an ex-colleague. However, she has some problems with her kid and it would be cruel of me to share my happy stories with her while she struggles with her kid. The last I heard from her was that she no longer had any expectation of her kid and would be most happy if she could just make it to the Express stream.

Parenting is a very lonely journey for me.

Most of my sisters are single. The only one who has kids doesn't seem to share the same idea about child-raising with me.

There are so many times I have doubts about my own ideas about child-raising, discipline and boundary issues, I can only grope in the dark and trial-and-error with the different methods. Some methods I keep, some methods I try and throw away. Not sure if they would have worked in the long run. Sometimes I give up on it myself because certain methods require perserverance and consistency which I am not really an expert at.

I make a lot of mistakes on this journey. I know people will say '天下无不是的父母', loosely translated as 'There isn't a perfect parent on Earth', but the guilt of having said the wrong things, or done the wrong things with your kid sticks with you. I wish I had someone to help 'mentor' me along the way. Parenting is a very much unsupervised path. Sure, it doesn't come with an instruction manual, but having someone who talks sense with you about parenting helps. She can be someone who doesn't have a kid, but even a slight reminder about the ideal scenario helps. Too often, I forget to praise Coco. I chastise too often.

Parenting is like a jackpot to me sometimes. I am not sure what I am doing is completely right. I just hope it is right even when it doesn't seem so right now. When I get it right, I hit the jackpot and the contentment is absolutely gratifying. When I don't, I just have to keep trying and hope that the next attempt is a successful one.

I think it's nice to have friends who have babies the same age as yours to share the parenting journey together.

A load divided is definitely lighter, and it makes the journey less lonely.

Self-Esteem

I was googling for a solution to Coco's friendship problem when I came across an article about How to deal with mean girls cliques.

I was surprised to read that mean girls cliques are common just about everywhere, any country. Many mothers shared in their comments that their daughters were facing hostile treatment by girls' cliques. One thing was striking across the sharing: their daughters were good-looking or good in studies or something else. It appears that their daughters were ostracised because other girls were jealous of them.

When my sister was looking through a new stack of pictures I had recently developed, she saw Coco and her friends among the photographs and casually commented that Coco was the best-looking among them and said that her friends could have been jealous of her.

I took a second look at the pictures. Yeah, she IS the best-looking girl among those girls. One of the girls had actually remarked to Coco,"You do know you are ugly, right?" and hurt her very much.

For me, a statement from the articles I had surfed stood out well and strong:

Girls with low self-esteem will go around forming toxic relationships their entire life.

Mothers who shared in the Comment section are anxious that their daughters were ostracised because they knew that such alienation and ostracisation would affect their daughter's self-esteem. So do I.

The statement made me reflect on my own life.

Low self-esteem indeed makes you do a lot of stupid things, makes you believe that you don't deserve the good things, good people, relationships ...


Studies
When I was young, I never thought that I could get into a university. I 'knew' I was too stupid to do well in studies.

But when Coco came along, I told myself that getting a degree is imperative. Without it, I would never be able to give her a decent life, not to mention a good one. With what I deemed as supernatural intervention, for the criteria of NIE entry to be brought down solely for General Paper - from the previously required A2 to B3, while 'O' level English was brought up from B4 to B3, I could apply for the degree programme and got in quite effortlessly.

And I put in a lot of hard work for the degree. I sat through 9 hours straight at the computer to do up a 4-person project which undoubtedly got us an excellent grade. I started on my assignments the moment I received them. I was just very grateful that I was given a chance at studying again, and a degree programme at that.

Prior to the exams, I looked through the past year papers and sussed out the possible questions and topics. I ditched all the 'you cannot memorise' advice and memorised like hell. I believe too much in the 'you cannot memorise' rubbish since primary school and look at the kind of rubbish results I got all my life!

And I got what I wanted. A good degree that could give me a decent paycheque in teaching, my childhood ambition, except that it came really late - ten years after my peers who have decent self-esteem done it.


Driving

I was told I was stupid and slow since a young age. I could never grasp what others could in a heartbeat. When my sisters were asking my father about how to make a car move, I was disinterested, thinking that I could never understand what the gear does.

When my siblings got their driving license, I still could not picture myself driving. It did not help that I am a technophobic. I have this strange fear when I first come into contact with a new machine, that I may cause it to break down or explode. I still have great fear of the stove or microwave oven exploding whenever I use them, every single time. I imagine how I would dash to the sink or washing area to douse the flame if a combustion occurred.

I told myself I could never drive. In any case, my family told me I could never pass the driving test.

But my father's eyesight is failing. He is getting frail. One day, he will no longer be able to drive me or Coco. It suddenly dawned on me that it is my turn to drive him and getting a license is imperative. It is no longer a choice for me.

So I put my mind to it, and today I am a licensed driver. Not a proficient one yet, but a licensed one nevertheless, and I did it 18 years later than most people.


Relationships

When I was in church, I told myself that the guys in church are 'too good' for me. When I met nice and good guys in school or outside, I told myself that I didn't deserve 'good guys'. In the end, I ended up with bastards and jerks. And I wondered why! 'Toxic relationships', indeed.


An ex-colleague told me that she was reading 'The Secret' and it said that everything that we are is what we have always wanted for ourselves. And she thought how true it was. She was often lamenting why things turn out this and that way for her but it struck her that she had subconsciously asked for them.

How true!

And all these, I have no doubt, are a result of our self-esteem.

Low self-esteem gives a girl nothing but pain. Yet the pain comes from the girl herself. Ironic and painful. With low self-esteem comes low self-worth. Low self-worth makes you think that you don't deserve something better.

It stems from childhood. We don't grow out of it if it is never dealt with.


Building self-esteem

A video at the end of the article gives some tips at 'How to boost your child's self-esteem':

1) Listen to your child
2) Give constructive criticism
3) Encourage independence and decision-making ie. allow the child to help out in the kitchen, trust the child to drive the family's car
4) Encourage creativity ie. allow the child to explore what they like to do or have a talent in doing eg. music, art, sports
5) Be a good role model ie. show the child how to stand up to bullying and how to find worth among family and friends

I am guilty of not consistently doing (1) to (4). The only thing I ever did for Coco was (5). For the weakling that I always had been, I braced myself to stand up to unfair treatment especially when I had Coco with me. Surprisingly, it did not quite rub off on her. Sometimes when she was given the wrong thing for which she had paid for, she would not dare to return to the shop and ask to have the stuff that she had paid for. I would go back with her and do it for her on her behalf.

Hope floats though. Just yesterday, she bought some vegetarian bee hoon and the stallholder took $1.15 from her when the bee hoon cost $1. I told her to tell the stallholder that he should give $0.15 back to her instead. It took her some hesitation and courage, but she did it anyway.

When she went to buy some milk at a 7-Eleven store shortly after, the cashier told her the milk cost $2.50 and took $2.60 from her. She was surprised and told the cashier that she had charged her $2.60 instead of the said $2.50. The cashier was a little taken aback but she quickly apologised and clarified that the milk cost $2.60.

Courage is not the easiest thing to build, but it is the first step to constructing good self-esteem.

A Good Read in a Long Time

I bought this book just today and devoured it like a hungry ghost (pun intended) within a few hours.

I came across this book on kiasuparents forum on a thread titled 'How to motivate my girl'. The author maintains a blog which shares her method and insights on how to teach Chinese to a potato kid. I am greatly inspired by her method. For someone who got distinctions for Chinese from PSLE to A level, I am blind to what a potato kid like Coco doesn't know or see in Chinese. I am not able to suss out weak points to rectify eg. language structures, grammar structure. I couldn't understand why it was so difficult to construct a Chinese sentence since it is a comparatively more fluid and colloquial language than English.

She got her son to memorise model Chinese compositions for a start.

And to a large extent, I agree to the method even though I am a hardcore Chinese reader who believes in reading quickly and widely for the best effect.

I got Coco to emulate the learning process. It was just about the fastest way to get her to see that she had missing links and structural errors in her writing. I really appreciate that.

This book is not really about teaching you to teach.

It is about strategies to get the child to be motivated on his own, and in turn, want to study for his own enjoyment. It sounds unbelievable, right? It's a bit late to try them out on Coco, but I'll try them out on Baby for sure.

However, I realised that there are some strategies that I have used here and there, and sometimes I don't follow them through thinking that they don't work.

The book also emphasises on the need for adults to have self-control when implementing the strategies ie. body language, expression, voice since children are especially sensitive to adults' reactions. It increases my awareness of the need for an adult to be sensitive to the kids.

And she said this: It's the parent's fault when the child is unmotivated.

Oh my goodness! All along, I believe that it is the child's fault since motivation is innate. But she gives examples of how she 'manipulates' her son and daughter to be self-motivated and shows that a motivated child is the work of successful parenting.

The book is a must-read, must-get. It is not out at bookstores yet, so you can only buy it via her blog.

$25 per copy. But it's really worth it! Parents and educators should get it!

Bursting

Today, Coco dropped me a bomb: she got 38/50 for her Chinese Oral Exam.

I felt very let-down, discouraged and angry, to say the least.

I have prepared a list of vocabulary which mainly consists of four-character phrases and/or proverbs to target common scenarios and behaviours ie. if she sees children playing, she ought to use adjectives to describe how they are playing; if she sees old men or old ladies, she is supposed to use a proverb and elaborate on how we should respect them etc.

I have also told her she should talk about her feelings as required by the Oral criteria.

Apparently, her teacher told her that she was weak in Picture Discussion and Conversation when before the exam, the same teacher told her she was weak in Reading.

And her teacher said that she did not mention her feelings.

I am very upset because I have told her, and repeatedly reminded her that she must not state just one feeling as one feeling is negligible. She should state a few instead.

I had an outburst of emotions in front of my parents because I was close to being devastated. It was a combination of disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness, helplessness, anger and sadness. I felt betrayed that Coco did not do her best, or even do what she was simply required to do despite being told over and over again.

When she returned from school after the Oral Exam, she told me that she did badly as she didn't know how to say the word 'tent' in Chinese.

I hit the roof because that very morning before she went to school, I had asked her to pay attention to the vocabulary in a Picture Discussion scenario, with a 'tent' being drawn in the picture!

I told her I didn't even mind that she didn't put in her 100%. I just wanted to see some effort on her part for her own exam. How can it be that her parents are more hardworking than her for the exam?!!

I honestly feel very let-down. It's at times like this that I hate to be a parent. I know I should not say this, but I'd wish I were single like some of my friends. They are mostly happy people, without the emotional, physical and financial burden of rearing children. How I have aged compared with friends who do not have kids! And whatever they earn, they save for themselves, or spend on themselves. And they don't have to take leave and give up their pay for kids. They don't have to fret over their exams, and rack their brains to coach them or prepare resources for them. I know it's childish, but how I wish I could turn the clock back to before I had kids!

God, help me ...

The Card that Saves the Day

A colleague-friend was sharing with me that she made little cards for her 8-year-old daughter to encourage and praise her for the effort she put into her studies.

I told her,"I also praise her verbally what!"

She replied,"It's not the same. My daughter made me a card after she saw the card I made for her."

I told her I would give it a try.

Interestingly, what I had thought would never come into use again presented itself handy after many years.

I used to be an avid card-maker when I first went to church, so I was a constant buyer of papers at Popular and other bookshops.

But I had not made a card for years. The last ones I made must have been about 7 or 8 years ago - for a class of about 40 students for their personalised Children's Day name-bookmarks. Don't ask me how I managed to do it. I am now amazed at how patient I used to be when I chance upon the cross-stitches and art stuff that I used to do.

So I pulled out the good old papers which have not yellowed even after all these years and made a card for her. Behind was a message of praise and encouragement, telling her how much improvements she has made for the respective items: Chinese composition, Chinese Oral etc.

I placed it on her study table, hoping that she would see it the first thing in the morning.

But she had chosen to sleep on the sofa that very night and she was running a temperature by the time she woke up.

I asked: Did you go to your bedroom at all?

Coco: Huh? No. I slept here last night.

Me: ... Oh ...

I tried to get her to wake up to do some work, but she gave excuses ie. not feeling well, sleepy.

A while later ...

Me: Did you go to your study table?

Coco: Yes.

Me: ... Did you see anything SPECIAL?

Coco: Oh, I didn't go to my study table.

Upon hearing the word 'SPECIAL', she went into her room.

When she came out, she looked at me and these words came out of her mouth:

I am going to do my work.

I was ... WOW!

What's more impressive was: she finished the Maths paper 40 minutes earlier, and according to William, she had 90 marks for it!

Prior to this, she had always scored in the range of 60s - 70s.

I suppose caning and scolding does not work for every child.

I will try to be a better mummy from now on.

I am Proud to be a Chinese Mother

I heard about this infamous article from a single colleague and chanced upon it on a blog that I read:

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
By AMY CHUA

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

The author and her daughters

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.
First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.
Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

Contrary to the controversies it has given rise to, I don't feel insulted. I did for a moment wonder if it was a satire poking fun at Chinese mothers. But I realised that I identify with the author's unforgiving parenting style almost all the time. I find the inner me agreeing almost whole-heartedly about how a child ought to be raised. The intent and implications beneath our treatment of our children cannot be better worded - one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up, to protect their children is ... preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

All too often, I feel guilty or am made to feel guilty about my treatment of Coco. Friends and sisters chastise me for being too harsh/too hard/too lenient/too soft on her. Now that I blog about it, I do feel like the father and son who listened to the 'advice' of the onlookers on how they should handle their donkey and eventually lost their donkey to the river they cross over. No matter what or how I do it, I am criticised for the way I raise Coco.

So many have told me,"If she doesn't like it, don't force her." as if that's what a mother should do - to give in to the child's whims at her slightest whine. And I must say I have, under pressure, given in and allowed her to give up a few things the moment she cites difficulty ie. gymastics and ballet. I really shouldn't have, but I was torn - between being a kind and motherly figure and being a strict and disciplining figure. The article is a scorn at my letting-go of the two activities at Coco's pleas.

The only thing I wouldn't let go is her academics. I did everything I could to get her into the school I deem the best for her. I envisioned with my elder sister how she would have to support Coco together with me in our old age when she took Coco out for play instead of making her stay home to study. To maximise the possibility of Coco getting an A* for her best subject, I send her to an enrichment centre renowned for producing students scoring above 260. Unfortunately, it is too expensive for me to enrol her for all three English-medium subjects. The rule of cutting your coat according to your cloth still applies.

I want her to do well in Chinese, even if I first exposed her properly to the language when she was 7. I am sending her to a Chinese enrichment course for Creative Writing to up her chance at getting a high A or even an A* at PSLE next year. I am speaking to her a lot more awfully in Chinese to immerse her in the language. I have always wanted to ground her in English, the supposedly more challenging language for Chinese, first, before I get her to master Chinese.

I want her to be musically trained, at least in piano. She need not be a high-achiever in the field of music though. After all, her own mother is a music score illiterate. But I expect her to do her grading exams well enough not to look shabby on paper. I am very tempted to make her give up piano simply because her aptitude does not seem to lie in piano. She is lacklustre in practising. I am just short of dragging her by the collar to the piano to get her to practise her pieces. I constantly threaten to stop her music lessons if she does not get to take at least Grade Two exam this year. The only thing that makes me press on is what a friend once said to me,"If only my mother was strict to me ... I would be a Grade 8 piano player by now ... (sigh)" I tell myself that I don't want Coco to say the same thing about me 8 or 9 years down the road.

All this while, I am prepping Coco for her own future, her own life. Coco is not mine to own. Eventually, she has to lead her own life. What I have been doing so far is endeavouring to equip her with skills and hopefully correct mindset so that she is able to feed herself - not just adequately, but comfortably - when the time comes.

The best parenting book by far

The nature of my job and motherhood does not allow me to read. Oftentimes, I buy the newspapers just to scramble for time to read it a few days later.

But recently, I found a good book at the recommendation of a fellow October mummy:

The author is a veteran educator and has a daughter whom she named 圆圆 in the book.

I have been reading the book, not because I want to groom Coco or Baby into another 圆圆, but I think most, if not all, of her values are in line with mine, but worded more vividly, more accurately and more consistently practised.

Parenting is a learning journey. As a mother, I find myself struggling with many sets of dilemma, inconsistencies and the like. Sometimes I feel that certain things ought to be done in certain ways, but I have no concrete reasons or logic to support what I believe in or what I do. This book gives a very good structure to many of my beliefs as a mother.

Eg 1: I always thought that a child should always be with her mother, no matter how busy I am. I don't think that leaving the child with his grandmother or caregiver for a few days in a week is the right thing to do. But the trend in this society today is such that it is a norm to do just that. The author writes about the innerworld of the child ie. how the child feels and the effect such an arrangement has on the child and his development. She gives examples of children who are raised under such arrangements and how they cause the child to behave in certain manner.

Eg 2: Although Coco reads obsessively, I didn't think it was a big issue until William and my family members start to be critical of her reading habit - she abandons her schoolwork, sleep and food just to read. Likewise, I felt that reading has become a bad habit and wanted to stop her from reading further. I wanted her to read just textbooks, and study just textbooks. It sounds crazy, but you would understand if you were a mother.

The author feels that it is alright for children to underachieve a bit in primary schools, but the wide and vast reading will reap its benefits in the long run, for the child's rest of his life. And that as long as a child loves to read, he won't have any problems in writing compositions. 读破万卷书，下笔如有神。

The book is like a wake-up call ie. 当头棒喝. This was how I developed a love for writing (in Chinese), yet I was trying to stifle my own child from developing herself in the literacy area in a different language. And I am constantly grumbling that she isn't as competent a writer as I had hoped after all the books she had greedily devoured. Isn't that the greatest irony ever?

Eg 3: I once showed a colleague the video of a fellow October mummy who got her 18-month-old toddler to read. Instead of being amazed, the colleague expressed slight disgust at the attempts. She declared,"I don't believe in making your children read when they are so young! They should enjoy their childhood. Reading can wait!"

I was shocked at her proclamation. I always thought being able to read is the greatest gift ever and reading is always a pleasure, except for exam purposes. I reckoned that my colleague probably doesn't like reading herself.

The author said the same thing: that parents who feel that reading robs children of their childhood are the same parents who find reading a chore.

There are many other examples which are similar in that: I have the same beliefs, but do not have the author's amount of conviction to practise them consistently, and fully.

I think this book is one of the greatest parenting books ever.

The author has a blog. One of these days, I ought to write to her to thank her for sharing her gathered wisdom in this fine book of hers.

Of course, she is just a human being. Her views are not all perfect. There is at least one occasion I do not agree with her, like the chapter in which she talks about washing the feet of mothers.

Her child came home with the assignment of 'Washing my mother's feet'. She was required to wash the mother's feet and pen her feelings about the process, possibly to reflect about what the mother has done for her and express gratitude to her mother. This gesture is probably taken from the Bible in which Jesus washed the feet of his disciples as an expression of humility and love.

Apparently, the author is not a Christian and does not understand the implications of washing one's feet. She criticised the assignment as not meaningful and even modified the assignment by asking the child to take a stroll with her instead and from there, write about the stroll. She reduced the washing of feet to a mere chore and questioned the need to wash mothers' feet if they are not blue-collar workers whose work involves a lot of walking.

Despite her ignorance about Christianity, she makes a great mother and educator, from the look of the book. I feel that her values are mostly correct and her instructions to impart the values are actually easy to follow, unless you yourself find it difficult to restrain yourself from doing the wrong things eg. watching TV obsessively but asking children not to watch TV.

Every family ought to have this book. It is not merely a good read. It educates parents as well.

Breathe in, Breathe out ...

Coco has been stretching my patience.

It's been half a day, and she hasn't completed even 1 past year paper as revision for her SA1.

I'm carrying out corporal punishment. I just gave her the ultimatum: if you can't finish this past year paper by 1pm, I will definitely cane you.

I know she's a slow worker, but I also know that she's capable of being faster than this.

I had seen her work speedy when I told her we'll go to the library the moment she finished her homework, and she finished them all within a good half an hour!

But she's been really trying.

We haven't started revising for her SA1, when she's having 3 papers ie. English, Maths and Science starting this coming Tuesday.

Maths and Science have to be done in volume. If she can't cover them wide enough, she definitely won't do well.

And we don't have time for her to cover volumes.

I had also told her that she won't get to go to Hong Kong if she doesn't get 85 and above for each subject. And I told her that this is the first time and the last time I am going to bring her to Hong Kong. If she missed this trip, she won't get to go with me anymore.

I know I have to do what I say this time round, even if it hurts me. If not, she'll waste her life away.

Like what a parenting book states,"A child who does not cherish time does not cherish life."

What Parents Should Not Say

I chanced upon this book in kiasuparents forum.

Being a parent is an ever-learning experience. There are so many times I know I've said words I shouldn't, out of anger or impulse. But sometimes, I really don't know if the words should be spoken or kept within. This is a very good guide on the words that shouldn't be said to a child - loosely translated as A Word Parents Should Not Say.


01 你怎么这么笨 - Why are you so stupid?
I'm guilty of commiting this crime, although I tried to rephrase it by substituting the word 'stupid' with the label of a group of slow-learners in general.

02 连我的话都不听 - You don't even listen to me!
Guilty.

03 为什么别人行，你就不行 - Why can't you do it like others can?
Guilty.

04 怎么不说话了，哑巴了 - Why aren't you answering me? Have you turned mute?

05 你聋了？听不见我说的话 - Are you deaf? Can't you hear what I'm saying?

06 我没有你这样的儿子 - I do not have a son like you.
Guilty.

07 是我没本事，不能…… - I'm incapable/incompetence to provide you with ...
Very guilty.

08 妈妈求你了 - Please, Mummy beg of you
Slightly guilty.

09 滚吧．想去哪里就去哪里 - Go away! Just go wherever you want to go.
I say,"You can do whatever you want to do and Mummy won't be bothered about you anymore." Oops! It sounds worse, doesn't it?

10 再哭，让狼把你叼走 - Stop crying, or the wolf is coming for you.

11 看我不打死你 - I'm going to beat you to death.

12 这么大了还尿床 - Why do you wet your bed? You're such a big child now, for goodness' sake!
Guilty.

13 算了吧，你不是那块料 - Forget it. You're just not cut out for it.

14 这个玩具应该这样玩 - This toy should be played this way.

15 不要逞能，你还小着呢 - Don't force it. You're too young for this.
Guilty.

16 别缠着我 - Stop coming to me all the time!

17　都怪椅子，我们打它 - It's the chair's fault. Let's beat the chair.
Oh dear! This is what I always tell Baby whenever she knocks herself against something.

18 等你爸爸回来，看他怎么收拾你 - When your father returns, he's going to teach you a lesson.

19 雪糕吃多了，肚子里要生虫子的 - You'll have worms in your stomach if you eat too much ice-cream.

20 我像你这么大的时候…… - When I was your age ...
Goodness! I said this to Coco many many times!

21 磨蹭什么呀，急死人了 - Why are you dilly-dallying? It's exasperating!

22 不要给我丢脸 - Don't disgrace me.

23 要是没有你该多好 - How wonderful if I never had you!

24 哟，真是太阳从西边出来了 - My my! The sun has risen from the west!

25 为什么，为什么，哪有那么多为什么 - Why, why, why! Why do you have so many 'whys'?

26 不准失败 - Do not fail.

27 我让你赢一次 - I'll let you win once.

28 你这个懒虫，从来都不帮我做点事 - You're such a lazy pig. You've never offered your help.

29 还敢顶嘴 - You have the cheek to retaliate.

30 你这个忘恩负义的东西！ - You ingrate!

31 大人说话，小孩不许插嘴 - Do not interrupt when adults are talking.
Guilty.

32 不准哭 - Stop crying.

33 住嘴 - Shut up!

34 你学习去吧，其他事不用你管 - Just go and study. Don't worry about the rest of the things.

35 像你这个样子，长大了只有捡垃圾 - At the rate you're going, you're going to be a rubbish-collector when you grow up.
I've said something like that, about her not going to do well at PSLE.

36 光音乐学得好，有什么用？- What's the point of being good in music?

37 如果考100分，我就奖励10块钱 - I will reward you with $10 if you manage to get 100 marks for your exam.
Many parents have testified that the reward system does motivate children to perform and I too have been skewed towards this extrinsic motivational method.

38 不错不错，很好很好！Not bad, not bad. Very good, very good!
Oh dear, what's wrong with this statement? Isn't it supposed to be encouraging?

39 这个老师的水平太差了 - This teacher is lousy.
Oh yes, I've always tried to refrain from commenting on the standard of her teachers because I've seen how children stop learning when their parents criticise teachers in front of the children.

40　老毛病又犯了？- You're back to your old habit again.

41 不要难过，明天就会好了 - Don't be sad. Everything will be alright tomorrow.

42 你是全世界最美的女孩 - You're the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Yes, this I know. It'll disillusion the child when she realises that others may not think so.

43 你胖得像头猪 - You're as fat as a pig.

44 你怎么这么不懂事…… - Why are you so insensible?

45 你以前很乖，现在越大越不听话了。- You used to be a very obedient child, but you're not so anymore.
I say this to Coco so many times!

46 你竟敢用这种态度跟妈妈讲话 - How dare you adopt such a tone/attitude when you talk to me!

47 如果你下次再这样做…… - If you do this again ...

48 你做这种事真让我伤透了心 - You've broken my heart by doing this.
Oh dear, I've said this many times too! I thought it was good to pour out my heart to Coco and let her know how and why she had hurt me.

49 你脸皮真厚，要是我，早找个地缝钻进去了 - You have such thick skin. If it were me, I would have dug a hole in the ground and hidden myself in it.

50 你总是丢三落四，怎么没把人给弄丢了 - You're always losing things. Why don't you lose yourself too?
I say the first part of the statement whenever Coco loses her things.

51 是爸爸好，还是妈妈好 - Who is better - daddy or mummy?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, there's no comparison, and I never have to ask such a question.

52 胆小鬼，怕什么 - You're such a scaredy cat. What's there to be afraid of?

53 来，让算命先生给你算一卦 - Let's take a look at your fortune.

54 你早该知道这样做不对 - You should have known that this isn't the right thing to do.
I am guilty of saying this whenever Coco commits a mistake.

55 你早知道那样做才对 - You should have known that that was the right thing to do.

56 算了！下带你去了 - Alright, I'll take you there later on.
Er ... I don't see the problem with this.

57 你真是成事不足败事有余 - You are really capable at failing, aren't you?

58 他打你，你怎么不打他 - He's beaten you? Beat him back!
Haha, I had said this to Coco too! I thought that it's better to bully than to be bullied, like her timid mother.


I like the Chinese version of 'Children learn what they live':

生活在批评之中的孩子，学会了遣责

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn

生活在敌意之中的孩子，学会了争斗

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight

生活在恐惧之中的孩子，学会了忧虑

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive

生活在讽刺之中的孩子，学会了害羞

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy

The full English version is found here.

一句话，可以改变孩子的一生。

A word can change the life of a child.

Love Gone Awry

William was commenting that Coco is unmotivated in her studies or doing anything for that matter and he surmised that it could be because I have been suppressing her interest.

She loves painting as a child, but I told her she can't do art. Whenever she wants to draw or paint, I would ask her to do her academic work first before embarking on the painting. However, due to her lack of motivation and interest, she doesn't finish her work quickly, and so by the time she finishes it (if she ever does), it was time for bed.

I was telling a chatfriend about this, and I asked myself why I am depriving Coco of the things she likes to do when I love her so much.

And I realised that deep down, I have this great fear that she might become another me, or trod the path that I had taken, and suffer the way I have.

In the heart of hearts, I greatly despise myself.

I have never been clever. In fact, I genuinely feel that I am stupid. Although a friend doing his master's in phychology did a 'very refined' intellligence test on me and concluded that I was smarter than 83% or 87% of the Americans, I was never convinced. I am able to remember the figure/s although I am never a number person only because I thought the result ridiculous and I have to remember it to remember how ridiculous and laughable the test was.

For all the love I have for her, I cannot allow her to be like me, or go through the things I had.

That is why I distant her from art - a subject that I had loved when I was a student.

I did Art at O level, not because I was fantastic in art, but because I was weak academically. I couldn't do Science or Home Economics, so I was placed in an Art class.

I only appeared good in Art because most of my classmates were mediocre in it.

Even then, I didn't get an A for Art at O level.

At NIE, I chose Art among Art, Music and Social Studies to study as a non-core subject because I wanted to do well at the Diploma level. I knew very little about music and between Social Studies and Art, Art was the obvious choice.

Art is very time-consuming. But because I liked it and enjoyed it, I was willing to spend a lot of time on it.

I don't want Coco to spend so much time on Art and neglect her studies. I cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that she is walking towards the cliff.

However, I find that Coco doesn't seem to have any salient interest in anything.

I find that quite scary. To live a life without passion.

And I don't want to be the reason that ruins her life.

I did a scrapbook for her. One of the pages had a self-made tiny envelope. In it was a card that had these words,"For all the things I'd like you to be, my greatest wish for you is to be what you want to be."

In my anxiety to give her the best, I have forgotten what it meant to be a mother, and be there for her only when she needs me. I have attempted, unsuccessfully, to take over the driver's seat and direct where she should go for her.

I truly love her. And my love comes so close to destroying her, because of a lack of love for myself.

Parenting - a tall order

I recently chanced upon a very well-written blog, by a mother of two, which I shall not reveal here as linking her blog to mine might eventually be read by her many readers.

I'm very impressed with her articulate expression and precise use of vocabulary. Above all, she offers views that are well-balanced. Her parenting is so immaculate that I feel the need to learn from her. She offers constant reminders on how we as parents should give a lot of space to our kid - to grow, to develop, in their own ways, while at the same time provide proper guidance and good modelling to them. It's a tall order, but she seems to have done it really well.

I've learnt that:
1) If I tell my kid "Do your best and that'll suffice", I should really mean it.
I am guilty of saying this and when Coco comes home with marks below 90, I conclude that she hadn't done her best.

2) I need to create a timetable for Coco during the holidays, using construction paper and have it drawn up using pencils and ruler, not computer tools.
It prepares kids better when they know they have certain work to do, and not have a last minute test paper sprung on them.

At the risk of sounding juvenile, I still want to say this: I hope I can be like her.

Good Mothers Bad Mothers

Back in Malaysia last week, I was warming up the breastmilk when my cousin's wife saw it and she told me how 'stupid' a mother she had been. She said that she warmed up her milk and gave it to her baby without checking the temperature. As it turned out, the milk wasn't sufficiently warmed and her baby suffered inflammation of intestines. She only knew it after he passed out black stool and they took him to a doctor.

During those 2 days, I'd observed that she's a meticulous and loving mother. She was a typical, classic loving and gentle mother to her child. I'd commented,"You look like a typical mother." and she quickly retorted,"No. I make the worst mother on the face of this earth."

It set me thinking about how I used to blame myself for everything that's turned out not-so-good on Coco. It also dawned on me on how good mothers are usually the ones who feel guilty while the lousy ones don't feel a thing towards their own children, much less feel bad.

We feel guilty about not being able to breastfeed our babies, or stopping breastfeeding, since there are mothers who breastfeed for 2 or 3 years. We feel guilty about not being there for our children when we have to work full-time to earn money to support them. We feel guilty when our children suffer setbacks. We feel guilty when our children get the hereditary asthma which comes with eczema.

How about the bad mothers?

A Japanese mother left her 6-year-old with a few tens to look after her twin babies for more than 10 days while she went gallivanting with her boyfriend and gave the lousy excuse that she was sick of taking care of children and wanted to get away from all this. When one of the twins died of starvation, covered with faeces and vomit, while the other suffered from dehydration, she put the blame on the poor 6-year-old son. The son actually said,"My mother says I'm responsible ..."

A British mother allowed her 17-month-old toddler to be tortured to death by her boyfriend while she msned on her computer. She allowed the child to starve. He had to rush to pick up breadcrumbs left by other kids to 'fill' his stomach. When that's not enough, he ate the soil in the garden.

Another Caucasian mother (I didn't read the details as it's too cruel) joined her boyfriend in beating her 2-year-old toddler to death just because the little girl forgot to say 'please' and 'thank you' to the boyfriend. The toddler had reached out to the mother and said,"I love you." to try to stop the beating. But they didn't bother.

What about all these lousy mothers?

They really deserve to die and burn in hell. Instead of protecting their children, they joined hands with their cruel boyfriends to torture and murder their own flesh and blood.

It may be a loser's mentality, but I try not to feel guilty towards Coco on many counts although I'm doing it not-so-well, like the times when she goes to school without breakfast. I think about these mothers and tell myself that there're worse mothers out there and it's not as if I deliberately deprive her of her breakfasts.

I try very hard to give her whatever I can afford. I don't force her to do things that she hates. I try to coach her in her studies despite my impatience. I try very hard to suppress my 'tsk's when she doesn't know how to answer a question.

It was inconceivable for me whenever I read those sob-sob stories about how mothers had to prostitute themselves for the sake of their children. Subconsciously, I felt that these women actually don't mind being prostitutes and children's livelihood is merely a glorified excuse. After all, they could work as blue-collar workers (if they are not very educated) and take up 2 or 3 jobs if they really want.

Now that I'm a mother, I can understand these women's mentality and what goes through their mind. I can do anything for my babies as long as they don't end up like me. I want to give them a good life. By 'a good life', it means not scraping at the bottom of the barrel. It means to enjoy good, quality material things, to have a future with hope, to be able to realise their dreams and that's the least a parent could do for his or her children.

Good mothers don't deserve to make to feel less than they are. They don't deserve to feel bad or guilty after all that they have done. Good mothers deserve a break.

A friend's words

These are what a friend said to me after I confided in him about how disappointed and disheartened I was with Coco and felt like a total failure as a mother:

"u need to sit down and think clearly about all that you're going through, and learn to control your emotions. Coco is still a child, and though she may be frustrating to you and do the things you dont want her to do, she is still your daughter."

"You must not give up on her or think that way. Everything that she will become will depend on how u continue to bring her up for the next 10 years or so."

"Things aren't rosy for you now in a lot of ways, but u must make do with it. Not everyone has a great time at this stage of life. Everyone struggles in their own little way. Even I am struggling for things that may not seem much to you, but mean a lot to me. I don't always expect to struggle, I hope some day things will be great... it is that hope that keeps me going."

"You will not see the efforts you put into Coco now. She is too young to know and understand. When I think back as to how I was as a child, I believe I was sometimes very unreasonable to my parents too."

"But most of the time, i felt they were unreasonable to me. Its only now that I am much older, (and hopefully much wiser!) I realized that their perseverance in guiding and teaching me did drive some sense into me."

"A lot my good traits are because my parents never gave up on me and kept me on the right path. You must do the same. That is your duty as a parent. When u decide to bring a child into this world, u have to be there till the end, you cannot give up till the end. You will get plenty of time to rest when you die, till then you have you leave a legacy for your children to follow."

"I hope your health is ok too. Please see the doctor every month, n get the necessary tests n medications. Please eat well too!! You need to put on some weight!!! My good wishes and love are always with you. You can msg me anytime u want to talk."

Enrichments - Are they too much?

Time really flies when you are maintaining a blog.

It's been 6 days since my last post. I'd meant to upload a pic of the piano which had arrived last Saturday, but I haven't got round to doing it because I've been busy - I received the piano on Saturday late morning, went out in the afternoon till 11pm for the school's anniversary dinner; went to church and my cousin's wedding on Sunday and only came home at 12.40am; went to piano tutor's place for piano lesson and visited the doc for Coco's asthmatic cough on Monday; and today, I'm back in school for some meeting that never seems to be taking place. And that's why I'm here updating my blog.

It's only been a few days since the piano arrived, but I'm beginning to feel the tension - the monthly instalments I'm going to pay to my sister for the next five months, the need to hound after Coco to do her theory homework and practise on the piano. I'm really worried because she doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic in playing the piano. Perhaps it's the starting stage and she hasn't learnt any song yet. It probably seems boring and monotonous to her that she needs to do the finger drills and trying to familiarise herself with the notes.

I was already asking her which one she would like to give up in the event she needs to give one up: piano or ballet. I foresee that she will not be able to cope with the demands of both, on top of swimming which is supposed to be good for her health, as well as her academics. However, I really would like her to do well in all these, for personal developments.

Deep within my heart, I know that her passion is painting. However, being someone who used to like painting, I refuse to let her learn painting from any tom, dick and harry. The only qualified art school, it seems to me, is NAFA. I find the distance quite out of the way though. But William reminded me that her piano lesson takes place at the other end of the island, which is a huge irony that I'm thinking of not letting her go for the art lesson over proximity reasons.

On her part, Coco would like to join the robotics club in her school. I don't want her to be overloaded with all the enrichment activities that she doesn't even have time for her studies. That would be wrong prioritisation.

I'm worried that I'm imposing my own wish on little Coco. It's always been my wish that my daughter plays piano: my daughter MUST play piano.

But now, as a mother, I want to, and I need to, respect my daughter's wish. The piano is bought, but her wish is more important than mine.