Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Sourcing for maternity pic photographer

I was enquiring about maternity photography packages from a seemingly passionate photographer via email.

Everything was good - he could offer me a good price and package except that the venue is my own place. I'm not very comfortable with a total stranger coming to my place with his wife. And my place is constantly messy and not visitor-ready. The thought of tidying and cleaning it up makes me feel exhausted already. I've been delaying my reply to him and contemplating another photographer who has a studio, albeit far, and comparatively expensive if I want to take back all pics.

All of a sudden, I am also gripped by a sense of self-consciousness. I didn't think much about being half nude in front of a photographer initially, until the photographer himself made it very explicit that his wife will be around and my husband MUST be around too.

It just made me feel ... self-conscious ... ? And uneasy all of a sudden. I just don't know how to respond anymore.

My maternity leave starts as of yesterday although there's no handover at work to speak of.

I looked at Coco and got worried.

I love her so much.

She's the reason I think life's worth living.

I'm worried that I won't have time for her once the baby arrives.

She was telling my father that I've been very harsh on her and beating her often ever since I got pregnant. I feel guilty about it, but I really don't have the extra energy to run after her, hounding her, and nagging at her for more than 10 times over 1 simple task anymore.

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Love vs marriage

Someone created a thread about a working mother's frustration and quite a few mothers posted about their struggles and unhappiness with their husband and marriages. Of course I was one of them.

One mother who read the thread commented that it should be love that makes the marriage go on, and not children.

I've been thinking about what she said.

I've been preoccupied with the idea of sticking with the marriage until I can't take it anymore. I'm resigned to a life that's loveless, passionless and full of shams and cheats. I'm resigned that good men are few and far in between and I'm not one of those girls to meet them.

I was chatting with someone from the chatroom when he commented that he's seen quite a few cases like mine - 'suffering to the max and not smart enough to get a divorce proper'.

I was asking him something about his impending migration to Canada with his girlfriend who he planned to married when he said,"fyi, i love her".

I've been too embroiled with life's struggles and this miserable marriage that I've forgotten that marriage is about love, not only about obligations, responsibilities, children and debts.

I thought about why I'd married William.

I thought about the days I felt very happy with him. I thought about the days we could communicate on the same wavelength, and what he said made sense. I thought about what he said about being able to understand me more than myself. I thought about the time when he wanted to send me home when it was only 9pm. Then I thought about the time when we first got married - he asked me to go buy him supper at 1am.

I ask myself if he really did love me, or was it a plot all along to trick me into a marriage.

But is it really worth me thinking so hard about all these?

When love is no longer there, or perhaps it's never been there, there's nothing to look back on.

The memories of the 'happy times' are fake. If he's really loved me, we won't have such a miserable marriage from the beginning.

I just wanted Coco to have a family. I just wanted her to go to a good school.

I just wanted to place her above me.

There was something that said it's not quite right, but I thought I shouldn't be so selfish. As a mother, my needs should take a backseat.

It's been almost 3 years.

I don't want to remain unhappy for the next few years. Someone said we only live once. We shouldn't waste time dwelling in some worthless mud.

Within 3 years, I've aged much, visibly. This marriage has worn me down, alot. No love. No warmth. Fights. Suspicions. No husbandry to speak of. No fatherhood to speak of. No future. No dream.

I don't want a life like this.

I've tried so hard to stick to my marriage vows. 'In poverty, in sickness'. How novel it sounds! I don't mind poverty really. But this poverty must be worth it. The husband must be worthy. How can you stick to someone who is always in poverty as a result of his foolishness and refuses to acknowledge that he's been imprudent with money? How can you stick to someone who has not fulfilled his responsibilities as a husband and expect you to fulfil your obligations as a wife?

Marriage is not a one-way traffic. Marriage is not a destination. I'd thought William could be the one who journey with me through this life. Life is hard enough.

Saturday, 6 September 2008


I continue to feel exhausted for my pregnancy. It's about 33rd week I believe.

Some people say it's due to stress which I've no reason not to believe. The baby's arriving in just a few weeks' time and nothing's substantial has been done for her. The baby's room is not up. The cot is not bought despite having talked about it since February. My mother, who will be doing confinement for me, hasn't got a bed to sleep on yet. I've asked William to set up a bed and get a mattress for her since ... I don't know ... maybe June? ... and you can trust that nothing will be done either. The baby's stuff has still alot in outstanding. No powder, only two pieces of tops, no diapers, and no nursing bras or tops or pyjamas for me. And all these are the essentials. Oh oh, and he hasn't got the money for my confinement food, or my mother's confinement rates. I've already informed him that he needs to give me $1000 per month from September onwards. I won't ever forgive him if I don't get enough nourishment or nutrition to nurse my health back in shape during confinement. As it is, throughout my pregnancy, his non-existent mother or father didn't even call up to enquire about how I am or the baby's state for fear that we may ask them to help out or ask the mother to cook some nourishing food for me. I'll never forget how horrible his parents are. This is why William hasn't learnt how to be a father, because his parents don't know how to be parents. To think that William is their only son. Come Chinese New Year next year, I'm not going to bring the baby back to their place for the reunion dinner if there ever is one - if I ever go back there for the Dinner again. I might very well give the reason that I'm still weak from childbirth and not in a state to walk about too much, which could be true since I'm so weak and constantly exhausted during my pregnancy. Oh, and William's bank debts. One of them is going to hit $10k in a few months' time and he's still saying it's nothing.

I've posted a thread asking for second-hand Pump-in-style breastpump, and no one has responded.

I don't know what's wrong with married men, or Singaporean Chinese men for that matter. They seem to be such babies after they get married. They just assume that a tooth fairy or some form of supernatural genie would get things done for them somehow, some time, at some place.

A mother from the forum said that the 'thump thump thump' feeling is actually the baby's hiccups. So now I know.

School's reopening. I don't mind the classroom teaching actually, but the thought of CCA really puts me off. I don't understand why CCAs can't start at 1.30pm at the teacher's convenience. I think it's really stupid that we have to suit the kids' convenience and agenda to start at 3.30 pm and end at 5 - 5.30pm. That's like 10 hours of being in school. It makes you feel so sian. Any thing that goes beyond 3.30pm just sucks the life out of you. And you're supposed to be excited and enthusiastic about it. Stupid! Anybody who started the whole idea of CCAs seriously ought to be shot! I don't mind if CCAs are conducted by external vendors or if the teachers don't have other admin work or rubbish to deal with. Teachers' work are just neverending. We pile on and on and on without removing the previous rubbish. It's really stupid! It's the most inefficient job on the face of this Earth.

We have workbooks, so why must we churn out worksheets after worksheets every year and chase after the syllabus like crazy? We don't even have time to complete the workbooks and the homework books or testbooks and we're coming up with more worksheets because the workbooks and homework books and testbooks are not good enough. Crazy! Then throw away the workbooks and homework books and testbooks if you think your 'tailored' worksheets are so much more superior!

For remedial lessons, why must we churn out yet another pile of worksheets to 'suit the students' abilities'? It's really ridiculous!

I know I ought to be grateful for a job, but I can't help but notice the inefficiencies and ineffectiveness of all these nonsensical workload. I don't believe in churning out more work for the teachers if it doesn't improve the students' well-being or academic ability. I believe in teaching. Really teaching. Dwelling on, playing with, drilling a concept until it's mastered. Not skip-and-hop and touch-and-go. Why should teachers rush to complete a syllabus? I think it's hilarious, ludicrous. Why didn't the scholars and researchers at the ministry factor in all the occasions and programmes and exams and tests that teachers need to prepare for, and thus not able to complete the syllabus in that 10 week per term? How can it be so ridiculous that the ministry doesn't know that school doesn't operate on a 10-week term? We always have to cram in 10 weeks of syllabus into a 5 to 6 weeks term, which is really stupid.

Forgive me for my non-linking thoughts. I'm just typing whatever that comes to mind.