Tuesday, 30 October 2007


After blogging for close to a year, I've come to realise that blogging is indeed very different from making entries into a personal diary.
For a diary, you can be highly honest (not completely though, still) with yourself. But for a blog, you are sometimes obliged to write in a certain manner that doesn't make you look TOO bad, in anticipation that someone else might be reading your blog and forming an opinion about you. I'm not sure what some celebrity bloggers are thinking about when they wrote some of the stuff they did. I'm not sure it's for the sake of sounding cool that they come across as being really candid in their entries ie. giving the handicaps a virtual dressing-down, slamming their critics and justifying their unconventional views and beliefs in undiplomatic ways while highlighting that it's purely their own personal choice.

There are always many reasons why I do something, well, almost always. I starting blogging because I think it's interesting to pen down thoughts and feelings. It allows me to reflect and helps me to think over things. It does not necessarily mean that I would come to a sensible decision, like the piano matter, but it does have some therapeutic effect. Some people call it 'escapism' though. Come to think of it, my pastimes are usually related to escapism from reality. I used to do tons of cross-stitches. James called that 'escapism'. I used to spend hours, easily eight or nine hours, in front of the radio listening to FM93.3 because the songs, like what Bel said, make you fantasise. As far as I'm concerned, the songs did bring me to another space. I liked to imagine that my boyfriend was as sentimental and emotional as those portrayed in the pops.

Back to reasons I blog. I like writing. Or rather, I like the art of languages. I used to write diaries in Chinese, but I've stopped for the longest time. It's hard not to write depressing stuff, and it reminds me of alot of unhappy memories. English is quite a different language from Chinese. It's not so emotionally loaded. For Chinese, one character is already loaded with meaning/s. Even the look of a character means so much. Pardon my biasness but it's definitely a far more interesting language than English.

I like to record thoughts and feelings about events that take place, people I meet, fears I experience. But for this blog, I've taken the effort to not taint it with really nasty, and I mean, REALLY nasty, people. There are some memories you would rather do without.

I like to go back and see how I've felt for certain things that had taken place. Ever since my ex, I've trained myself to be forgetful. It doesn't pay to have too good a memory. But the price that comes with it is a short-term memory. I find myself forgetting stuff that I would like to remember well too. I'm not sure if this is our clever body system at work - that in my subconsciousness, I do not want to remember certain things and I don't know that, like how good William used to be to me. I've learnt from very painful lessons that you shouldn't cling onto good memories too much because people really do change. What you remember of him is often not what he is now.

It's so silly that oftentimes I try to 'conclude' my entries - too much of GP. I often have to remind myself that this is an informal blog and that I don't have to be so serious and be so hard on myself to do a conclusion so that the entry ties up nicely. I think blogging is really interesting and quite fun. There are lots of things to learn, unlearn and relearn. I can take my time to explore them all and not to worry that someone else might find me too slow or too stupid.

Monday, 29 October 2007

The Best is yet to be

You wouldn't believe it. I'm thinking of getting a first-hand U1.
My family thinks I'm crazy.
It costs a whopping $8,600 after a discount.

What makes me start to think about getting an all-new piano is my frequent trips and getting educated on pianos. I'm starting to wonder, like with all other stuff, whether it's really worth it to get a second-hand U1.

I've decided that I would go for U1 after my last trip to a second-hand dealer, Music Clef, yesterday. The saleslady quoted me examples of children who do not wish to practise on the pianos because the pianos were bought based on the mothers' preference instead of the children's. It gave them bad vibes about the pianos. It reminded me of how I was like when I was a kid.

Her U1s cost $5k for a 7-year-old and $4.6k for a 12-year-old. As usual, I start to think if I should top up a few more thousands to get a brand new one. But I really didn't set aside so much for a piano. Even if I wait till year end to get my bonus, I still won't have this kinda money. And I'm not sure if it's worth it to spend so much on a piano. I could have saved up the difference from a used piano. Yet, should I buy a used piano at all? I've never believed in second-hand goods unless it's dirt cheap and I can afford to throw them away anytime I want. But $4.6k is not a small sum of money to me. Neither is $3.5k. I'm not sure how trustworthy an old piano is.

As far as Coco is concerned, I've always wanted to give her the best. Sometimes I scare myself at how far I am willing to go to give her the best.

One of the prime reasons I marry William is for her to go to his alma mater.
The only reason we married so 'hastily' was so that it would be in time for her Primary One registration.
And now, the piano.

Am I being obsessed over the 'best' to give her?

Of course, I'm also trying very hard to make my dollar worth. I have always wanted to try my hand at playing piano. I thought it would be a good investment if both of us could play - if I ever find the time to learn, that is. I find myself trying very hard to justify this would-be purchase: it's for myself too - it's always been my dream to learn piano, it's so that Coco can start on a good piano, the piano would have a good resale value anyway.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Kawai or Yamaha?

There's really a lot to think about over second-hand pianos. I thought despite the poor attitude of one of the dealers, I'm still contemplating getting Yamaha U1 from him. But my elder sister feels that the age of the pianos should be a consideration as well because even we ourselves would go 'Huh, so old ... no la.' when we come across very old pianos.

Oh dear ... I'm torn between a Kawai BS-2 which is 15 years old and priced at $3,700, a 19-year-old BS-10 that's priced at $3,400 and a 25-year-old Yamaha U1 which costs $3,400.:(

I've tried to like Kawai, but everytime the salesperson switched to Yamaha U1 and played on it, I'd think the latter is better. It's a real struggle. I would also much prefer Coco to start on heavier keys for training purpose so that it'll be easier on her to switch to light keys if she ever needs to. Yet, I like the sound of Yamaha. It's like: everything's against Yamaha, except the sound, yet the liking for a piano's sound is supposed to be the most pertinent of all.

I'll be going down to the warehouse again to see if that Leonard from Asiapiano honour his quoted price of $3,400 for a Yamaha U1 or if he'll resort to some dirty sales tactic or give me lousy attitude like he did over the phone. If he does the undesirable stuff or try to act blur over his quoted price, I'll just take my business elsewhere. And I'll definitely go to the forums to let the rest of the world know his true colour.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Teaching advertisement

Coco saw the Teaching advertisement on TV in which it shows students breathing out cold air when the teacher teaches about Antartica, stationery floating about in the air when the teacher teaches about Zero Gravity and an extinct mammoth swaying its trunk outside the window when students are learning about dinosaurs.

She was thoroughly amazed by the advertisement. Her eyes were fixated on the TV.

When the tagline 'Teach. Inspire' came out at the end of the advert, she said,'I want to be a teacher.' Both William and I said,'No!' She ignored us and said,'I want to be a teacher. A teacher only needs to teach, mark a little, and type a bit (gesturing typing on the computer) and can relax.' After that, she half-lay her torso on the sofa to demonstrate the posture of 'relaxing'.

The two of us could only looked at her, with a don't-know-whether-to-laugh-or-to-cry expression hanging on our faces.

Piano fights

I've been running about trying to find a second-hand piano for Coco.

Surprisingly, my elder sister is very passionate about the piano-search. She was so intrigued by the classical tunes played by the salespeople at the piano shops that she's inspired to take up piano lessons. She admits that it's so that she could show off to friends when the occasion calls for it.

But I must say I'm really grateful that she drives me around the whole island to look at numerous pianos. I've sort of narrowed down my choices to Yamaha U1 and Kawai. Personally, I like Yamaha better than Kawai because I thought Kawai pianos sound a bit too rich for the ears. However, many salespeople say that Kawai is a better choice for different reasons: closer to European pianos, sounds richer, better value for money, on par with Yamaha but cheaper because Yamaha charges more for the brand name. The boss of Chiu piano, however, sings a different tune. He feels that Yamaha is a 'far better choice' than Kawai because Kawai uses ABS, which in his opinion, is just a kind of plastic easily available in the market to any Tom, Dick or Harry, for its many parts. I can't help but think that he's a trustworthy man, or maybe it's because I want to think this way because he favours Yamaha over Kawai.

The lowest price that I've sourced is $3.4k for a 25-year-old Yamaha. Of course. If I can afford it, I would very much like to purchase a new one, but Japanese pianos are so damn expensive and I'm not keen on Cristofori or China-made pianos.

I'll probably take another one or two weeks to mull over it before I reach a decision.

MC and earache

Today I was on medical leave. I couldn't take it anymore. 4 days of office hours that're close to 11 hours. And having to face a bossy and rude colleague who jumps at you for everything you do.

Upon hearing that I worked from 8am to 6.30pm, my sisters had the common reply of,'Well, doesn't everybody work this kinda hours?'

Well, I don't dispute the number of 'office hours', but the kinda work done is utterly different. Every minute of my office hours is intensive - I do work every minute of my time spent in school, and I get to have my brunch for only ten minutes. I don't sit down there and take my time to do work, chit chat, and go for breaks. I go to the toilet once or twice a day when I'm at work.

And during this period of time, I'm preparing my students for exams. After I reach home, I mark like crazy for hours. I don't even have time to bathe, and I drag my feet to have dinner. I sleep on the sofa in the living room because I'm too exhausted after the marking. Sometimes, I don't even mark the worksheets I bring home because I was too tired to do it. It's ridiculous.

I went to the doctor to get an MC. Incidentally, I experienced a sharp and lingering pain in my right ear this morning. I've often have it but I've always dismissed it as being too heaty (as 'explained' by my parents when I told them about it). So when I saw the doc, I asked him about the reason for the pain.

To my surprise, he said he suspected that it's a middle ear infection. The infection could stem from throat infection. I'm given 5 days of supply of antibiotics to treat the condition. According to the doc, I could go deaf if it's left untreated. I'm so glad I found this out. All because I decided to take a break from work. :)

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

The end

The only thing that's holding me back from getting a divorce is my faith.

If I'm not a Christian, if I do not know that divorce is a sin, I would have gone ahead with the divorce.

He has made himself very clear on how he sees financial management in a marriage - yours is yours and mine is mine.

I see no possibility of planning retirement with him in the picture. I see no possibility of running a household as husband and wife. I see no future for this marriage.

I want out.

Monday, 8 October 2007

What ruins a marriage?

He shouted at me at 1.30am to stop chatting, else he would divorce me.

Sad to say, I'm used to his screaming and shouting in the middle of the night. My reaction was stoic.

He says that chatting ruins a marriage. And I do agree that it does.

I go into a chatroom because I feel that our marriage is beyond hope. It's not as if I've never tried to talk to him about clearing his debts and giving up soccer betting. It's not as if I didn't help him, concretely. But he doesn't want to talk about them. I do not believe that a marriage has lies in it. I do not believe that a marriage consists of secrets. I do not believe that spouses should hide things - anything - from each other. Apparently, he has different convictions about a marriage. I don't work this way. If I can't talk about something with my partner, I feel that I can't talk about pertinent things with him either. And I hate this feeling. It's a feeling of mistrust. This is not my belief of what a marriage is.

I don't know if this is the same as giving up on the marriage. I don't know what else there is for us to talk about if we can't talk about pertinent issues in a marriage. I thought that when two persons decide to come together and be with each other for the rest of their lives, transparency is a natural call. I don't believe in I-hide-some-things-from-you-and-you-hide-some-things-from-me kind of marriage. I can't. I despise, abhor this kinda marriage. I hate to keep secrets, given that I'm a painfully honest person. I find keeping secrets a pain. Perhaps one of the reasons I started a blog is so that I have an avenue to release my secret thoughts. Who else can I talk to about my marriage? Everyone else asks me to divorce or suggests that I find a way out for myself. I know too well what they would say to me, and I don't need more advice. I just want someone who is truthful to me, and I to him. I don't know why it is so difficult for William. Why did he marry me then? So that he can have sex every day? A marriage is more than sex. Is it too difficult to understand this? A marriage is more than marrying a woman who acts as your mother by day and whom you fuck by night. You promised to take care of me when you married me. Are all those promises a pack of lies?

He said he would divorce me if I continue to chat. I am waiting.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Fever and Chicks

Coco has been running high temperatures these two days. The record high was 39.8. Within a span of two days, we used 3 suppositories on her - each suppository can only be used every 8 hours. The fever is suppressed for some hours before it goes up high again. I hate to use it on her because it's painful for her little backside, yet I had to. If not, the fever is way too high.

I needed to prepare my kids in school for their Maths Practical Test tomorrow, but I really don't want to feel that my own kid is second in place to those kids whose parents don't even bother to help, anymore. I called up the school telling them I'm taking childcare leave for the day.

It's one thing to be 'professional', and another to 'draw the line'. I'm a mother. And I want to do it well. I can't let teaching ruin my own kid's life.

She's so cute.

She saw me boiling some eggs. She took one from the fridge and went to the living room. After a while, she asked,"Can I hatch an egg?" I was amused. It reminded me of Thomas Edison who tried hatching an egg in the chicken coop. I resisted the temptation of educating her on how little chicks are hatched. Instead, I said,"Yes." and she asked if I could give her another egg. I said,"No." and she said,"Because you don't want too many chicks running around in the house." After that, she asked me for a towel. She shunned the first towel I gave her,"It's not pretty." When I asked why she needs a pretty towel for, she said it's so that the little chick can admire the pretty pictures on the towel even when it's in the egg.

Well, at least she understands that warmth is a required condition for chicks to hatch.

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

MC King

William hasn't been going to work for more than a week.

He claims that he can't sleep and takes sleeping pills, and so can't wake up in the morning. He calls in sick for 6 working days in a row.

Today, he received a call from a friend who works at the same school and apparently, he was complained by the school staff that he didn't call in early and resulted in inconvenience for others, which is valid in my opinion.

In all honesty, I can't agree to his attitude towards work.

I can't imagine myself not going work for more than a week, and calling in sick every day, over insomnia. And the way I see it, his so-called insomnia is self-induced. He doesn't sleep till very late, and takes sleeping pill at 1am, and claim that the pills are too powerful. I mean, who takes sleeping pills at 1am? If you're really serious about getting some sleep, you would take sleeping pills at 8pm to prepare your body for a night's sleep. You don't take sleeping pills at 12am or 1am knowing that you need to wake up at 5am or 6am.

I despise the way he finds excuses not to go to work. As it is, he's already granted and applied for a transfer and he'll be out of this place by December. I don't think it's professional or even decent to call in sick every day when you are perfectly healthy. And spending $200 on medical bill a week! I don't even see a doctor when my throat is hoarse because I want to save that $30. I'm disappointed and disgusted by a man I used to look up to. I hate myself for thinking that this man is right for me. How can he be right for me when our value systems are so different? Yet, when we were in a relationship, he made me believe that they are similar.

I despise the way he justifies his MC rate. I despise the way he doesn't feel that what he does is wrong and listing out others who are 'worse' than he.

I hate myself for marrying him, to say the least.