Schooling Fever

William whatsapped me last Saturday morning.

 

Following that, the mothers on Baby's class group chat mentioned the win and shared the famous Schooling joke about how children love Schooling too much to declare the following Monday a public holiday.

In the days that follow, restaurants have been giving discounts on food in celebration of Schooling's Olympic gold.

Wherever the Singapore hero goes, he is thronged by crowds so that they could get a piece of him on their Facebook or Instagram.

The vibes I get from this fever is that Singaporeans are very proud that they finally have one true blue Singaporean who won the Olympic gold medal for the country. Schooling has broken the myth that 'Singapore needs foreign talents if she ever wishes to smell Olympics'.

I don't have any problem with the crowd thronging him. It is only natural to be awestruck by a great star. If one doesn't, it only means that he has above-average will power. That's all.

Some people don't like what they see. They say,"Leave the boy alone!", "They didn't even play a part in his success." and "The companies are advertising using Schooling's name and face without paying him endorsement fees!"

For sure. Nobody except his parents and his coaches played a part in his success. But when one wins an honour, the whole world rejoices with you.

I am quite sure most of these critics do not know their Chinese well.

We have a Chinese proverb that goes 

"十年寒窗无人问，一举成名天下知".

An online translation that seems apt to me is

"After ten years' hard study noticed by none , his fame fills the land once honours are won."

We celebrate because we know it was sheer hard work behind that showmanship.

We celebrate because we are proud that someone who represents the country wins big, and defies what was previously told to us in our face - that we would never make it if not for the foreign talents, that we have to thank the foreign talents in getting Singapore close to smelling the butt of Olympics.

Sure, the boy needs a break, but he is young and strong. He is only 21. He will get a good rest when he gets home. If he wants to eat his char kway teow in peace, he can always asks his parents, friends or relatives to pack it home for him. I am quite sure he was ready to be thronged the moment he chose to eat out. I even suspect that he was happy to be thronged, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Let every true blue Singaporean rejoice with Schooling.

Pro-life or Pro-choice?

There was a thread in Singaporemotherhood some years ago.

It was a thread seeking advice on which gynaecologist to go to for an abortion.

As expected, the thread sidetracked or 'degenerated' into a thread debating on whether the girl should keep or abort the baby. As usual, many mothers or mother-wannabes persuaded the girl to keep the baby. Only a few 'supported' the girl's decision, saying that it was her decision to make.

I was one of the few to say that others should not impose their opinion on the thread-starter. I can't remember if I stated them but my main reason was that these mothers were not in the girl's position and they would have no business in helping to raise the baby, so they should not interfere with her decision.

Of course, it invited a lot of virtual bashing, which I had foreseen. All the 'a foetus is also a life', 'a baby also has the right to come to this world', 'you are selfish not to think of the baby' and the classic 'she could give away the baby' arguments came on the thread.

I don't know how many mothers had put themselves in the girl's shoes, or how many of them had gone through the painful dilemma themselves.

It is my deep belief that no woman would go for an abortion happily or even willingly, no matter how intense the hatred she has for the baby's father.

The foetus is a life inside you. It is a part of you. Which woman in her right mind can surgically remove something from her within without feeling a tinge of reluctance, especially when the foetus is not a by-product of rape or an immoral transaction?

To go for an abortion is one of the most difficult decisions to make. To abort a baby takes some, if not immense, courage.

My honest opinion is that unless one is prepared to foot the bills for the girl, he or she has no business insisting on the baby being born.

It is not as easy as one would imagine to give a baby's up for adoption.

It seems to be a no-brainer for a third party: give birth, give the baby away to an infertile couple who badly wants a baby and everybody lives happily ever after.

However, in reality, no mother with an ounce of human kindness in her could give away her baby without batting an eyelid.

The bond that she has formed over the nine months' pregnancy, the labour pain that she has endured, the lifelong emotional hurts the baby's father inflicted on her, while remote to a bystander, are hardly figments of imagination to her, for the rest of her life. 

To an outsider who gives counsel that she ought to keep the baby and give it away, everything's over after the adoption. The mother would be able to start her life afresh like she is new.

To the mother, she knows that she will think of her baby for the rest of her life, no matter where she is, how she does or how many children she has with a new man. The guilt that she has brought the baby to the world but has to rob the baby of the real mother is something that she has to live with for ever.

Then someone might say,"Then keep the baby with her."

The financial constraints of a single mother alone are frightening. Most of these single mothers are not high-flyers or money-rakers. 

The regular monthly financial commitments of a baby include:

diapers

milk powder

caregiver's fees

and the adhoc purchases of milk bottles, clothes, steriliser, walker, cot, toys etc are not even mentioned yet.

Parenthood is expensive, and many times more so for a single mother. The emotional and financial burdens on a single mother's shoulders weigh many tonnes more than a married woman who has someone to share with. And it's only normal for guys not to consider single mothers as an option for future partners.

Perhaps to a bystander, the biggest challenge for a single mother is the pregnancy period. No doubt it is one of the most challenging periods but the tougher times come after that, when you need the time and money to take good care of your baby.

This is why single mothers are susceptible to settle for the next man who comes into their lives, especially one who seems to demonstrate a lot of care for them.

The more I read about tragic cases of toddlers and children mistreated, abused or killed by their mother or their mother's boyfriend, the more I wonder if the decision to bring these children to this world had been a right one. If these abusive mothers had aborted their babies when they were in their womb, perhaps it would have been a less painful experience for the children. The mothers might have been the few rare brave souls who decided to keep their babies despite being single, but along the way, after bouts of constant struggles with the harsh reality, regrets and hatred for the child could develop a few years later which led to the tragedies.

I acknowledge that there are happy single mothers out there but not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same experience. While you enjoy your baby and are prepared to face every challenge that comes your way bravely, it may not apply to another person. It is great that you share your own experience or encourage the girl to keep the baby but one should not dismiss those who propose a different solution to the girl as being thoughtless or cruel to an unborn baby. The ones who propose otherwise perhaps are the ones who have plodded down the same path and saw the other side of the story. 

Stunned

Photo: Facebook screengrab

A dashboard video of a boy getting hit by a car but was 'lucky to be alive' made its rounds on the Internet last week.

I viewed the video and scanned the comments.

Most blamed the boy for dashing recklessly out of the road. Some blamed the driver for not looking out for playful children. And others questioned why the driver did not get out of the car to help the boy.

The video took me back to an incident that happened earlier this year when I was in my sister's car, with my mother in the passenger seat beside the driver, and my sister being the driver.

My sister was moving her car back very slowly - for what, I can't remember.

Then suddenly, we could feel a jerk-bump on the back.

My mother turned and said,"妳撞到人了啦！看啦！(You hit someone already! See lah!)"

My sister spun her head around and looked shocked.

I froze on the spot. I was scared stiff. Lots of thoughts were rushing through my mind: What should we do? What should we do? Is the victim injured? What are we going to do? Is the victim dead? How seriously was the victim hurt? Should we run? 

The thought of a bloodied victim and the flaccid body that we should carry into the car to take to the hospital freaked me out.

I don't think I am a vicious person who means to leave a car-accident victim to bleed out and die but at that moment, panic took over and I became another person. At that moment, I finally understood why drivers hit and run. It was fear that gripped them. The fear that they had murdered someone. They fled because they didn't know what to do, not because they wanted the victim to die and not be found out.

When calm and rational, we know the first thing we should do is to render help to the victim. 

But yet, when an accident happens, we are stunned. Frozen. We lost the ability to think properly and humanely.

My feisty, and sometimes unreasonable, sister got out of the car and shouted,"You should have honked at me when you saw me moving back!" She had hit someone else's bumper.

At that instant, it relieved me immensely: It's not a human being we knocked into!

Although it was not a wonderful thing to run into an accident of any sort, but I was 'happy' that this 'crime' could be settled quite simply compared to if a human life was involved.

The lady was stunned at what my sister said at first. My sister also realised that she was in the wrong very quickly and apologised,"I am sorry. I am having a bad day."

The phlegmatic and gracious lady checked that the knock was a rather gentle one, which created a slight dent or a scratch though, and decided not to pursue the matter. She even told my sister that the more serious knock that her car had was an existing one so it was not my sister's doing. She said that she would get both repaired together at the workshop so she would not need my sister to compensate her.

Before they parted, the lady ended the encounter with "Next time, pay attention to what you say." 

Indeed. Other drivers would have quarrelled with my sister for blaming the accident on them at the first thought.

In defense of the driver involved in the accident at Jurong West St 81, I think we should cut him some slack. If you have knocked down someone and got out of the car to render help immediately, I commend your calmness and courage to do the right thing there and then. But if you have never been involved in such an accident, I urge you to hold your tongue, or your fingers. The driver did appear to be in a state of shock, judging from how the other pedestrians reacted. Just an imagination of the worst could freeze me on the spot, what more the occurrence of a real accident? I imagine the driver thinking similar thoughts that raced through my mind when I thought my sister had knocked somebody down: What am I going to do? Is he okay? Will I be charged? Will he die? Should I send him to the hospital? Should I call the police? The ambulance? Is he going to die? Should I run? Will the people out there kill me if I go out? How to help him?

I was worried that the boy could suffer internal injuries when the boy was unable to get up from the ground, but I just read an update of what had happened and it seems the boy was 'treated at the hospital and was resting well at home'.

School children are taught to 'look right, look left and then look right again' before they cross the road. Under no circumstances should they dash across the road. The boy was indeed lucky to be alive after such a hit-and-flung. Another boy who dashed across the road in the Sembawang area didn't make it a few years ago. Let's hope he recovers fully and learns his lessons from now on.

Hear What You Want To Hear

I learnt that people hear what they want to hear and different people see things differently from a real story I told them.

My story goes like this:

I know of an independent volunteer who started doing voluntary work all by herself. She started by selling all her branded bags away to exchange rice for the poor. Today, she has an independent voluntary organisation that runs on voluntary basis and purely depends on human efforts to clean flats for those who are unable to do it themselves, calling out for item donation whenever necessary. No monetary donation is involved. Every Sunday morning, she and her volunteers spend a few hours knocking on doors, asking if people need help. 

She didn't do any voluntary work for the school of her choice though. Her husband did. So they got a shot at Phase 2B at P1 registration.

However, they were unsuccessful at balloting.

But they live within 1km of the school so they got another shot at balloting for the school at Phase 2C.

Unfortunately, they were unsuccessful again.

But all was not lost. Their child was offered a seat as the principal wanted to be inclusive to the lady who has been helping the poor and the destitute in Singapore all these years. 

Incidentally, the school is also Baby's school.

When I told this story to my elder sister, her response was:

It's as if getting your kids into the school is your only achievement. You always talk about the school like it's a big deal to get in.

When I told it to William, he said:

She did the voluntary work for networking purpose and it paid off.

When I told it to my fifth sister, she said:

Wow, that's truly 好人有好报 (kind people will be rewarded in due time)!

Alumni Association Fees Galore

The kaypoh in me acts up again.

I woke up yesterday morning thinking about the alumni association fees and the privilege they give to those who pay ie. priority at Primary One Registration Exercise at an earlier phase.

I used to cringe when the uninitiated refer to those who don't pay the fees to as 'old boy or old girl' while those who do are the ones acknowledged as 'alumni' but I gradually accepted that these people do not know the definition of 'alumni'.

For those who are unsure, 'alumni' is the plural form of 'alumnus' which is defined as 'someone who was a student at a particular school, college, or university'. (merriam-webster.com)

An alumni association usually requires potential members to make a one-time payment of a fee and different associations charge differently and call the fees by different names. Some call it 'lifetime membership', others call it 'associate membership' and yet others call it 'ordinary membership'. A rose by any other name is still a rose. Whatever name they call it, it was a fee members pay to get a higher priority at Primary One Registration Exercise. 

Some associations also have different types of memberships to cater to different age groups or different levels of interest. Some alumni genuinely want to be a part of the school for sentimental reasons so they pay a nominal fee (usually less than $50) for once or on an annual basis to be a member so that they get updates of activities and events held by the school or alumni association, but the only type of membership that gives priority to the members for Primary One Registration is the most expensive one and that is the one I am more interested in. 

Some associations charge a flat membership fee while others charge a separate, compulsory entrance fee or subscription fee on top of the membership fee, which I am inclined to combine as one for easy reference. Those with entrance or subscription fee usually have a $10, $20 or even $50 added to them.

Anyway, my first thought was "How much is the alumni association fee of other schools?" so I set my fingers to work and this is what I found: 

$300 - $1000

$20 - $200

A few observations as I collected my data:

- Some schools do have registrants at Phase 2A1 but the information for the fees are not readily available on the Internet. Examples of these schools are: South View Primary, Hong Wen Primary, The Brothers of the Christian Schools (St Joseph Institution, St Stephen's School and De La Salle School) and St Margaret's Primary.

- Surprisingly, a 'good' school like Pei Hwa Presbyterian Primary does not have an alumni association while others such as Princess Elizabeth Primary and Choa Chu Kang Primary are in the process of building up their alumni base or yet to register for an alumni association.

- Other schools such as Temasek Primary and Holy Innocent's Primary have an alumni association but fees are not mentioned.

As we can see from the tables, the fees charged by different alumni associations can be as extreme as the opposite ends of the spectrum, with Nanyang Primary being the highest and Haig Girls' School being the lowest. 

The highly sought-after schools generally fall into the $500 range while other popular schools are in the $300 range.

Most people will not bat an eyelid forking out $300 or $500 for popular schools but $1000 may not be something every peasant is willing to pay. Yet I suspect if $1000 can guarantee a place at Nanyang Primary, even the average-income parents would pay this amount. The alumni association of Nanyang must have assessed the profiles of the parents in the school and decided that the amount is peanuts to most of them.

Now that the 40-seat policy has set in and alumni in Phase 2A2 are the immediate casualties of the policy, I would deem that it is worth the monies to 'upgrade' yourself to Phase 2A1 to save you the stress and feelings of uncertainty at Primary One Registration. 

Given my P1 registration experience two years ago, I absolutely advise alumni of popular schools to increase your chance of getting a place at the school of your choice by paying the fee. The stress at Phase 2A2 is not worth the money saved. 

I foresee that in the years to come, more and more alumni will join the associations and Phase 2A2 will cease to exist in some highly popular schools, with balloting necessary at 2A1. St Nicholas Girls' was the trailblazer of this phenomenon last year. 

This year, I foresee that there will be a few schools that will conduct the balloting exercise for 2A2 applicants: Nanyang Primary, ACS, Henry Park, St Nicholas Girls' and Catholic High.

P1 registration is already a stressful exercise. Balloting is definitely not for the faint-hearted. I would imagine these parents beating themselves up for not joining the alumni association. 

Why I Would Pay the Alumni Association Fee

Given that Phase 2A1 is just over and Phase 2A2 is looming in our face, and I had gone through the experience of being a parent-volunteer at Phase 2A1, experiencing first-hand as an observer the slightly uneasy, and sometimes tensed, atmosphere of parents remaining very quiet at the Primary One Registration Exercise.

I thought about how it was like two years ago when I went through Phase 2A2 registering Baby for the school and thought it would have been a less stressful experience if I had paid the dues to join the alumni association.

For us, it was more of a case of 'If you think education is expensive, try ignorance'.

William never knew anything about the phases or even the existence of an alumni association while I had always assumed that the membership fee was an annual subscription. I figured it would add up to a handsome sum after ten years, so I decided not to join it. Furthermore, there had never been a history of balloting for Phase 2A2.

Came August 2013, it was announced with immediate effect that 40 seats would be reserved for Phases 2B and 2C, which meant 2A2 would have limited vacancies now!

It was at the same period that I realised the membership fee for the alumni association is a one-time payment. I quickly emailed the alumni association and asked if it was possible for us to join then. Of course, we were turned down as we had missed the deadline (30 June every year) for the registration year.

In the weeks leading up to the registration, William and I started to worry when we saw the figure for Phase 1 take up close to 50% of the seats. We started to blame each other when the number for Phase 2A1 also increased by 20 seats compared to the previous year. Every day at work, I was unsettled and worried. Every night, before we slept, William and I asked each other what we should do if Baby could not get in his alma mater. We thought about alternative schools around our area and could not come to a settling conclusion. We didn't have Plan B at all!

I went to register Baby for P1 worried. One of the staff I checked with about the chances of us getting in didn't offer any comfort. In fact, he said,"It's not guaranteed."  matter-of-factly, which added to my stress. 

What made it worse was, almost immediately after brushing off my concern coldly, he laughed and chatted with another father who was living within 1km of the school and assured him that it was not possible to have another ten or twenty parents living within 1km of the school vying for places with him. 

Our hearts were in our mouth, with me constant checking the time. When the clock showed 4.30pm, I called and asked for the number of applicants at Phase 2A2. 

We were mad with excitement and ecstasy when the staff of the school told us everybody at 2A2 would get in without any balloting. It was a close shave. It would take just another 5 or 6 applicants for balloting to be conducted!

Learn from my lesson: If the school is a popular one, pay the fees.

What's Happened to This Generation?

Another young life is lost.

A 14-year-old boy jumped from his 14th floor home after he was brought to the police station to be questioned over a molest case.

The crux of the matter that is discussed seems to be whether the course of action by the police had been appropriate and if the boy had jumped because he suffered much shame and humiliation as the police had taken him straight out of school and into the police station.

As a parent, would you not reprimand your boy if he was questioned by the police over a molest case?

As police, would you not bring the alleged suspect for questioning no matter where he was?

As parents and police, these were natural courses of action. I would be more surprised if they didn't carry them out.

But no one would expect the boy to jump to his death.

Most of us have utmost faith in our police, that they only do the necessary when they have substantial evidence. I feel that there is hardly a moment we would deem 'appropriate' to bring someone back to the police station for questioning. They were just doing their job. I would dread the day when even police have to over-consider the feelings and circumstances of the accused/suspect.

I remember a teacher sharing what she had observed when a few of my secondary school mates got into trouble with the police. She said she was surprised that the police were very rough with those boys,'like gangsters'. Surprised as I was, I felt the treatment was justified as the boys were ruffians themselves. Even as a teenager, I was quite convinced that those boys would be frightened into behaving properly in future, and I believe they did because I never heard about them misbehaving again in the remaining years of my secondary school life.

I am not suggesting that the police in this case had treated the boy roughly. In fact, I highly suspect that the police these days are inclined to treat their suspects in highly civil manner because of how our society has evolved.

I am just wondering how the boys in the yesteryear would have reacted if they were brought back by the police for questioning. Despite immense shame and humiliation, would they have jumped? Likely not.

What has happened to this generation?

Studying at Cafes

There have been strong, nasty views on students occupying seats at fast food joints and cafes.

I would like to oppose to those views, but I quickly realised I would invite a backlash from the working adults.

When I was a teenager, I shared a bedroom with 5 other siblings. My father did place a study table in the room, but it was difficult to study in a 4-room flat filled with people constantly talking loudly and sometimes having a bone or two to pick with you over things that were trivial to you but mattered gravely to them.

I went out in search for a place to study. My final destination was the airport. I could get a drink when I was thirsty. I could have my toilet breaks when Nature called.

I also remember having our Bible study sessions at the Bedok Central KFC on weekday afternoons. We would buy a drink and sit there for at least two hours doing Bible study. On Saturday afternoons after our cell group meeting, we would fellowship at KFC, eating a big tub of whipped potato and occupying the seats for hours. There were times when the crew chased us away.

So, while I am annoyed that I can't get a seat at Coffee Bean or Starbucks cafes, I totally understand the need for these students to study at a cafe.

I do believe some of them, like me, do not have a conducive environment to study at home. There are too many distractions at home eg. TV, titbits and siblings. And sometimes, it helps when you have an abler study buddy with you to help answer your questions.

And to people who ask,"Why don't they go to the library?" Have you tried studying at a library yourself?

I hate to say this but students in the north area of Singapore are not the most hardworking students around, but even then, when I tried looking for a seat at the Woodlands Regional Library for Coco to study on a weekend, I could not find one! Students were sitting on the floor to study. Others invaded the Children's section to occupy the seats meant for young children and their caregiver.

We learnt to arrive at the library at its opening hour, and rushed to the study tables to get one seat. The tables were quickly taken up within the first hour the library was opened. And the seats were occupied for the whole day. It was obvious that there were some inconsiderate users who left their belongings at the tables while they went for a one-hour lunch, but there was nothing much one could do.

If we ban students from studying at cafes, being economically strapped or powerless, they would have nowhere to go. Changi Airport may not be viable for students who live in the west and north although it is accessible to the ones residing in the east.

I would appeal to the public to leave the students alone. You were once students. You might have the good fortune of having a room of your own, or a conducive environment to study in, but many of us don't.

Stressed Out and Lashing Out at Alumni

I was on one of my Facebook accounts when I read one of the mothers' frustration.

She was 'amazed and disgusted' that those who do nothing (the alumni) criticise those who went an extra mile for their children (parent-volunteers).

I surmised that she had been reading the thread in kiasuparents forum on the opinion of the P1 registration system.

She knows I am one of the active posters who defend the alumni priority.

She was probably stressed out by P1 registration and wanted to vent her frustration on Facebook, and wittingly or unwittingly on me.

I was tempted to rebut her:

"I hope you have read the whole thread, and even if you haven't, you should go to the first page and see who started the flaming war."

Or

"Exactly! What gives those who go an extra mile for their children the right to criticise those who don't?"

But I held back.

That particular Facebook account was created to link up with mummies who had given birth in the same year as I did for Baby.

I was quite depressed for the first few years and was not involved in the activities they held for the babies and get-together.

As a result, I am not close to them compared to the mummy who lashed out at the alumni.

If I were to rebut, I can imagine the amount of backlash I would get.

If I post my rebuttal on the thread, I might also be attacked again on Facebook.

I am happy that I have an additional outlet.

For years, the alumni had been putting up with the attacks and insults hurled by the parent-volunteers and supporters of distance-priority.

The schools were the product of what the alumni had made them out to be. Now that the schools are deemed good in the eyes of the public, alumni of unpopular schools want their children to enter them.

Some resent the presence of the alumni.

They feel that if not for the alumni, they do not even have to commit their time or resources to help the school out.

They resent the fact that the alumni enjoy a higher priority in the eyes of the schools.

They are jealous that the alumni do not have to 'go an extra mile for their children'.

It is a fact that some parent-volunteers and distance-priority supporters are jealous. Jealousy reeks through their posts. Yet they blatantly deny it.

I do respect parents for doing what they can to enter their children into schools of their choice, whether by being parent-volunteers or moving near to the schools.

However, I do not condone their attack on the alumni, just so they can get rid of the alumni to get what they want.

It is a fact that the schools belong to the alumni. A sense of belonging is not the same as the 'entitlement mentality'. I have a sense of belonging to my family, does it entitle me to have everything I want?

An alumni attended his school for 6 years. Technically and logically speaking, to justify an equal amount of contribution, parent-volunteers ought to contribute for 6 years too before they are 'entitled' to a place in the school.

I think that the alumni priority is the least that a school can give to her alumni.

The alumni build up the school's culture, name, reputation and spirit. In fact, they do it so well that alumni of other schools also want them. The success belongs to the alumni. The school is just a building.

A colleague was sharing with me that in her husband's school, a 'good' school, most of the teachers who transfer in are young teachers, and you can be sure that these teachers have at least a young kid waiting to be enrolled into Primary One.

And she and her husband would see themselves and more than 20 colleagues, among the colleagues her husband is in knowledge of, fighting for Primary One vacancies at Phase 2A2 a few years later.

So, is it the teachers who make the schools good?

Surely that's doubtful.

But one thing is certain: the students have done well.

And the law of attraction follows.

For those who find themselves so stressed out over P1 registration that they need to vent their frustration and jealousy on others, like the mother on my Facebook account, I just have this to say:

If you cannot handle the stress of P1 registration, you will find yourself in greater s*** at PSLE.

Inborn or Choice

I was bemused by the outrage on Facebook and the forum over National Library Board (NLB)'s ban of three children's books.

At first, I was indifferent. Ban - ban lor. They are not my books. And it's only 3.

Then people started to talk about why they should not be banned. Many said that they have read at least one of the books, And Tango Makes Three especially, and every child who reads it would be none the wiser about gay sentiments NLB suggested it implies.

So, I searched for the book on Youtube, and sure enough, there it was.

It seemed innocuous enough I thought. I thought it could be read as two best friends who loves each other and want to live with each other forever, with a chick by their side like the other families.

I asked William what he thought of gay-ism and lesbain-ism. I told him about the two women I know personally who claimed that they are born wanting to be men.

He appeared to be very certain when he gave me his opinion,"It is a choice."

He gave me the example of his best friend. At one point, his friend felt that he liked men. When asked why, he reflected and explained that it was a period when he felt empty and he was hanging out with guys.

As usual, William was totally himself - he said to his friend,"No wonder you were looking at my ass!"

As for me, I feel that it is a personal preference, which William interprets as 'choice'.

I stopped judging this preference after a younger acquaintance from CHC enlightened me. She said that these people have needs in their lives. There is no shame in having needs.

For many years, I remember her words even though I have forgotten how she looked like or even her name.

I was amazed at how compassionate she was. At the same time, I was ashamed that I judged.

The only way some children learn

The tiny red dot has been riled up by a few videos that have gone viral lately, namely the K-pop contestant who said that she was not proud to be a Singaporean, the Brit prick who mocked at the Singapore peasants who take public transport and the Spectra boy who shouted at his teacher.

Of these videos, the Spectra boy's case struck a chord with me the most.

Because I had a very challenging year last year because of someone worse than him.

On top of the fact that I had a teacher-aid shadowing me at my lowest-achieving class, I had a very defiant boy who was constantly challenging authorities. Any teacher who entered the class would have his or her 'once-in-a-lifetime' encounter, whether you are a subject teacher or a relief teacher who just goes into the classroom for 30 minutes.

He always came late for school. He didn't want to pay attention in class. He wanted to play paper planes with friends when the children were supposed to do work. He found lessons boring and would walk around the classroom, trying to provoke you.

He spewed the most fluent string of vulgarities I had ever heard. In fact, he blurted them out so fast and furious the only word I could hear was the f word on a repeated basis.

He jumped at anyone who he suspected was using vulgarities on him, even a very mild-mannered girl. He was always ready to attack anyone - and I mean anyone - if he felt challenged.

When he didn't get the attention he wanted, he tore down the displays in the classroom. He removed all the pins on the noticeboard and left the notices and documents strewn on the floor. If you still don't give him the attention, he would start a string of verbal abuse at you or do something to his classmates to make you succumb to his demands.

An example of a scenario:

Me: Please go back to your seat. Do you want me to minus points from your group?

Boy: If you minus points from my group. You see what I will do!

Me: Are you threatening me?

Boy: YES!

The worst he did warranted a police report, even for his age, but such publicity would do a lot of harm to the boss' reputation and appraisal, so the teacher told him with gritted teeth,"I forgive, BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET." I am sure she meant it because the marks would have remained with her for at least a few days.

And he was only 9.

Each time he acted up, the teacher who was present or who 'triggered' his violence would have to write a report on what had happened and give a detailed verbal account to the counsellor and sometimes the boss.

I wrote at least 3 times. Another teacher said he wrote countless times because he saw the boy once a week and every week, he refused to let the boy have his way, and so the boy always exploded.

In that teacher's word, everytime he acted up, the teacher got punished.

Consequences? No agreement seemed to work with him. The counsellor had to change the rewards and consequences frequently to try to make him like the rewards and hate the consequences, but they seldom lasted long.

Under the 'suggestion' of the English teacher, he was placed at the front of the classroom - something I would never do with such a disruptive character. But she insisted so badly that she cc-ed the bosses and had the bosses pressured me to do so.

The way I saw it, he became worse because now he was in full view of the audience. He could have as much attention as he wanted now. But I didn't want to get myself into trouble because of him, so I let him be, by and by. And all the more so because I have not put a destructive character at the front of the class before that, and showered him with attention. My belief is that such a character gets worse with more attention since what they do in the first place was to get attention. So I ignored him most of the time.

However, he was not the only challenging character. As the class consisted of many special needs children and children who were easily distracted, some of the boys decided to emulate him, especially when they saw that no teacher could do anything to him.

I referred at least 4 to the counsellor for behavioural issues, and at least 2 for dyslexia, bearing in mind that these are new cases. And each time, I had to fill up a form that consisted of about 4 or 5 pages that went into the specifics of the child's behaviour, academic performance, and after which, I had to hunt down another 2 teachers to give me their feedback on the child before submitting it to the counsellor.

On top of what other normal teachers do, I was doing a lot of admin and paper work that other teachers would not need to do because of the class I had.

I felt exhausted - emotionally and physically, and discouraged, that a big group of these 9-years-olds would not put in any effort to learn, on top of the fact that I had to deal with the challenging boys.

Just one year after my break, I felt that I was ready to throw in the towel when I was totally enthusiastic in making a great comeback at the beginning of the year.

So I applied for another year of no-pay leave, but it wasn't approved, obviously.

But a break of one month is better than nothing. I just felt that I couldn't face these 'children' again.

For someone who was strict with classroom management, discipline was impossible with the boy around. I felt that my hands were tied, all the more so when a teacher-aid was around. The only thing she could help me with was to run to the office and get the counsellor or boss when the boy acted up. Other than that, I had to be very careful with the words I said to the boy especially when someone else was around. I felt tremendously pressured. I might have scolded the boy and told him off sternly if I didn't have an aid. With one, I didn't want her to make me look like a trigger in the worst case scenario.

Nobody truly understands what I went through, except for teachers who had their share of verbal abuse or physical abuse from him. And even then, their reaction didn't have to be 'monitored' by another person when faced with the boy.


Which is why I totally think that the teacher in the video could not have handled it better.

I felt that the 'Justin' in the video would never have apologised to his teacher if he was not condemned by the internet.

I think my challenging boy would only learn that he is wrong, if and only if, the whole world sees what he does, and condemns him collectively. His parents would then be able to feel the gravity of the situation, that this boy is a 'gone case' if they are still in denial that everything's good.

Strangers are Better

Yesterday, I was at my parents' place.

When I saw how my brother-in-law punished my nephew who is taking PSLE this year, I spoke softly to my fifth sister on how he should not use army style to punish a child ie. by making him do a half-squat and stretching out his arms on a horizontal plane.

She said I was irritating and that I should tell my brother-in-law what I think if I so desire.

Tears were flowing down his cheeks as my nephew struggled to keep his arms horizontally placed and his trembling legs firm in a half-squat position.

So I stood up, went to my nephew and shielded him.

That was when the war erupted.

My fifth sister shouted at me and scolded me for interrupting the punishment.

I shouted back at her, saying that they themselves did not do their part as parents and put the blame on the child entirely.

She blurted,"Yes, yes! Your child go to prestige school! My child go to neighbourhood school! If you are so good, go and teach your students well and don't complain about them!"

I was stunned.

Is this what you have always thought about me?

My third sister shouted at me,"Don't make the punishment ineffective!"

And she said, after the episode,"If you are sooooo good, teach him yourself! Now I know why you have so many problems at work! You only think that your method is the best! You don't know how to work in a team!"

I was stunned, again.

Is this what my sisters have been thinking of me? Think a world of myself? Think that I am the best? Uncooperative? Unable to work with others?

I had mentioned in my private watsapp with my sisters that my students are so weak that Baby could count better than some of them and it is not likely that they could attain the required P3 standard.

Obviously, they read it as "I could not teach for nuts".

I had also confided in them how I found older single women generally more difficult to work with, and how the teacher-aid constantly overruled me in the classroom.

Obviously, they read it as "I could not work with others."

I had told them that my nephew did not do his work and bring his work when he came for William's tuition.

Obviously, they read it as "He is lazy and we cannot handle him."

I had thought that age would mature people. I had thought that sisters are meant for sharing.

This episode confirms my belief that strangers are better than friends, and sisters too! I am just disheartened that we can't even share our weaknesses with our own sisters.

I have never believe that there is one method that works with children. And I have always have doubts with my methods. I never for once thought that my methods are the best.

Just because Coco goes to our (and her, of course) school of choice does not mean that my method is the best, but it does mean that my method did get something into her brain, even if it was for those few months.

The most basic thing I know about coaching schoolwork is: you don't sit on the sofa and play with your phone while your child sits on the floor and do his work. Neither do you let a child look at a paper for 4 to 5 hours and then scold him for not completing it after 4 to 5 hours.

A paper is at most 1h 45min? I know that they had sent my father for a medical check-up that morning, but they didn't check on my nephew immediately after they returned. And upon seeing that he had not completed it, my brother-in-law punished him using the army style.

You would rather play Candy Crush and complain that it hangs on your phone than time your child or coach him doing Math. After that, you scold him for not finishing his work.

If he was not my nephew, if I don't view you as my family members, would I have even bothered?

My mother, my elder and third sisters and my brother said this,"He is somebody else's son!"

'Somebody else's son'. It is always easier to turn a blind eye to somebody else's son when you know he is on the road to get Bs or even Cs for PSLE. It is always easier to turn a blind eye to somebody else's son when the parents themselves can't be bothered with the son's studies.

Isn't he my nephew? Aren't you my sister? So you are 'somebody else' and he is 'somebody else's son' whom I shouldn't be bothered with?

If I didn't rescue him from the abortion table 12 years ago, I would not have bothered.

If I didn't want him to do well and go to a better school, I would not have bothered.

Since when did I compare Coco and his abilities?

Since when did I mention that Coco is better than he?

The only thing I would ackowledge, and remains true, is that Coco, being a girl, had a lot more stamina at sitting at a table. And that didn't come naturally.

It came with a lot of modeling and training, and our insistence and perseverance at sitting at the table with her. If we, as adults, can't even sit at a table for long hours, how can we expect a child to do that? If we ourselves hate doing the papers (even though we really do), how can we expect the child not get saturated after facing the papers for 4 or 5 hours?

I have always maintained that my nephew picked up reading earlier than Coco despite being younger. Isn't that an indication of his natural higher intelligence?

What have you done to him these years that he has fallen behind her?

Isn't that negligence on your part?

I am just so disappointed that even sisters can have such huge misgivings about my good intention.

It's true that I have a lot to say about my sister's upbringing of her kids, but I have always tried to restrain myself from criticising her parenting style. It's when my brother-in-law punishes my nephew using army style that causes me to interrupt.

I know it is not good for the kid to see me defending him while his parents punish, but how different am I from people who don't care when they see someone else's son being mistreated if I let it go?

I understand that beating him does not work (anymore). That is the result of beating him till the stick broke and hurling vulgarities at him since he was just four.

I am far from a perfect parent, but I do know the difference between a child and a soldier, and you should not impose a punishment fit for a recruit on your own son. Neither should you have got him so used to beatings that they don't work on him anymore when he is barely twelve.

Spoken with votes

I was too tired to wait out the result of the by-election and went to bed as the 10-pm news started rolling.

The first question I asked William when I opened my eyes was "Who win huh? Did WP win?"

He gave a mumbled 'erm'.

The win is half-expected by many, given the resentment many felt after the 2011 General Election. The 'mandated' victory by the ruling party had not changed Singaporeans' lives for the better. In fact, right after the GE, the cost of living soars to new heights like never before. The housing prices have not come down despite a series of cooling measures, the COEs hit new high month after month, PSLE turned out to be as difficult as ever despite the Education Minister's words that it would not be. Even in things like groceries, William noted that the milk powder that he always buys has increased in its price from $50 to more than $80 in a span of few years.

The baby bonuses that the government suddenly sprang up and 'surprised' many happened to coincide with the days leading up to the by-election. When I voiced my thoughts about why there was a need to back-date the benefit to August 2012, William surmised that a quick statistical research might have shown that there was a significant number of babies given birth in the by-election area from then.

I am half-surprised that Punggol East is taken by the Workers' Party at the same time. I think it speaks volume about how the young couples and families in the area are not easily bought over by monetary rewards even when they are thrown in their face. I would think most young families would appreciate these bonuses and cast their votes in the direction which could potentially continue to benefit them.

On the other hand, the ruling party have probably forgotten that there are some people who have realised that child-raising is not temporary, and cannot rely on temporary measures. I know of people who have cast their votes in the other direction in consideration of their children - when they do not have children yet.

The guy in question told me,"If I vote for the ruling party, and the prices of housing continue to go up, then how are my children going to afford a flat in future? As it is, we are already having problems buying these million-dollar flats. I must make a change."

When I indicated elements of surprise that he was so upfront about his 'defiance', he said,"I am not afraid to let others know, because if everybody is hush-hush about it, nobody will know that I have voted for the opposition and won't dare to vote for them."

While it is of little concern to me who the ward would go to, I must say I am impressed that the Punggol-East residents' action reflects how they feel. There are so many people out there who feel disgruntled against a party, yet continue to vote for them because they 'have no choice'. These are mostly young couples with young families to feed. To me, they are truly a new generation of voters who are voting for the future of their children and not for the carrots dangled right before their eyes. These are the people who have bought flats at high prices, but are not threatened by the warning of impending falling prices of their flats should they vote otherwise.

They voted for a change. They voted for the future. They voted for their children.

Truly impressed.

A Memorable Memorial

I was flipping the newspapers a few days ago when I came across the obituary above.

I don't have special interest in obituaries, but ever since my younger sister told me that she chanced upon her primary school classmate's obituary when she was in secondary school, I would sometimes glance through the page just to see if there are familiar faces. Thankfully, so far I don't remember seeing faces of people I once know. But from time to time, I sigh at the uncertainty of life. Many faces look too young to be on that page.

This obituary is particularly interesting because it is dedicated by a class of doctors. And the deceased looks kind of handsome, and young.

I wondered what he had done to have his coursemates to dedicate a considerable size of obituary to him, but since they are a class of doctors and are supposed to have better judgment than the average Joe, I thought this Dr Richard Teo must have done something memorable in his lifetime.

A couple of days later, a friend shared a link about him on Facebook. It is about a proud and intelligent man who had relentlessly pursued wealth and success, just to realise that he had stage-4 cancer in his prime, and eventually gave his heart back to God before he was called home to be with Him. It sounds like stories in those little Christian comic booklets which seem too good to be true, but it really happened to an earthly man right here in Singapore!

Just in case it disappears some time later, I post his transcript here:

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who was a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer, sharing at a Dental Christian Fellowship Meeting. He would have liked to share this with you too.


HIS BACKGROUND

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse from the chemotherapy, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I’m a friend of Danny’s, who invited me here.

I’d just begin to say that I’m a typical product of today’s society. Before this, I was talking about how the media influences us etc. So I’m a typical product of what the media portrays. From young, I’ve always been under the influence and impression that to be happy, is to be successful. And to be successful, is to be wealthy. So I led my life according to this motto.

Coming from a poor average family, back in those days, I was highly competitive, whether in sports, studies, leadership. I wanted it all. I’ve been there, done that. But at the end of the day, it’s still about money.

So in my recent last years, I was a trainee in ophthalmology, but I was getting impatient, cos I had friends of mine who were going out into private practise, making tonnes of money. And there I was, stuck in a traineeship. So I said, ‘Enough, it’s getting too long.’ At that time, there was a surge in protégés of aesthetic medicine. I’m sure you’re aware, aesthetic medicine had peaked over the last few years, and I saw good money in there. So much so that I said, ‘Forget about ophthalmology, I’m gonna do aesthetic medicine.’ So that’s what I did.

The truth is, nobody makes heroes out of the average GP in the neighbourhood. They don't. They make heroes out of rich celebrities, politicians, rich and famous people. So I wanted to be one of these. I dived straight into aesthetic medicine. People were not willing to pay when I was doing locum back in those days. Anything more than $30, they would complain that “Wah, this lo kun (doctor) jing qwee (very expensive)”. They made noise and they were not happy. But the same people were willing to pay $10 000 for a liposuction. So I said, ‘Well, let’s stop healing the sick, I’m gonna become a beautician; a medically-trained beautician.’

And that was what I did – liposuction, breast augmentation, eyelid surgeries, you name it, we do it. It was very good money. My clinic, when we started off, waiting time was 1 week; 1 month; became 2 months; became 3 months. There was so much demand that people were literally queuing up to have aesthetic work done on them. Vain women – easy life!

So the clinic grew. I was so overwhelmed, from 1 doctor, I employed 2, then 3, then 4 doctors, and carried on. Nothing is ever enough. I wanted more and more and more. So much so that we set up shop in Indonesia to lure all the Indonesian tai tai’s. We set up shop, set up a team of people there, to get more Indonesian patients to come in.

So, things were doing well. I’m there, my time has arrived.

Around some time in February last year, I said, ‘OK, I have so much spare cash, it’s time to get my first Ferrari. So there I was, getting ready for the deposit. ‘OK! There comes my first Ferrari!’ I was looking for land, to share with some of my friends. I have a banker friend who makes $5 million a year. So I thought, ‘Come, let’s come together. Let’s buy some land and build our houses.’

I was at my prime, getting ready to enjoy. At the same time, my friend Danny had a revival. They were going back to church, some of my close friends. They told me, ‘Richard, come, join us, come back to church.’

I have been a Christian for 20 years; I was baptised 20 years ago, but it was because it was fashionable to be a Christian then. All my friends were becoming Christians then. It was fashionable! I wanted to be baptised, so that when I filled in a form, I could put there “Christian” – feels good. In truth, I had never had a bible; I don’t know what the bible is all about.

I went to church for a while, after some time, I got tired. I said it’s time to go to NUS, stop going to church. I had a lot more things to pursue in NUS – girls, studies, sports etc. After all, I had achieved all these things without God today, so who needs God? I myself can achieve anything I want.

In my arrogance, I told them, “You know what? You go tell your pastor to change your sermon to 2pm. I will consider coming to church.” Such arrogance! And I said 1 statement in addition to that – till date, I don’t know I’ve regretted saying that – I told Danny and my friends, “If God really wanted me to come back to church, He will give me a sign.”. Lo and behold, 3 weeks later, I was back at church.


THE DIAGNOSIS

In March 2011, out of the blues – I was still running around, ‘cause I’m a gym freak and I always go to the gym training, running, swimming 6 days a week. I had some backache, and that’s all I had, but it was persistent. And so I went for an MRI to exclude prolapsed disc. And the day before I had my scan, I was still in the gym, lifting heavy weights, doing my squats. And the next day, they found that half my spine had bone marrow replacement. I said, “Woah, sorry, what’s that?”

We had a PET scan the next day, and they diagnosed that I had terminal lung cancer, stage 4B. It had spread to the brain, half the spine, whole of my lungs were filled with tumour, liver, adrenals…

I said, “Can’t be, I was just at the gym last night, what’s going on?” I’m sure you know how it feels – though I’m not sure if you know how it feels. One moment I was there at the peak, the next day, this news came and I was totally devastated. My whole world just turned upside down.

I couldn’t accept it. I have a hundred relatives on both sides, my mom and my dad. 100 of them. And not a single one has cancer. To me, in my mind, I have good genes, I’m not supposed to be having this! Some of my relatives are heavy chain smokers. Why am I having lung cancer? I was in denial.


HIS ENCOUNTER WITH GOD

So the next day, I was still in a state of denial, still unable to accept what was going on. There I was lying in an operating theatre in a hospital, for a needle biopsy (for histology). There I was, just completed the biopsy, and lying in the operating theatre. The nurses and doctors had left; told me I had to wait for 15 minutes to do a check X-ray to make sure there’s no pneumothorax (a complication).

And there I was, lying on the operating table, staring blankly at the ceiling in a cold, quiet operating theatre. Suddenly I just heard an inner voice; it was not like coming from outside. It was inside. This small inner voice that I had never felt before. And it said very specifically, it said, “This has to happen to you, at your prime, because it’s the only way you can understand.”

I said, “Woah, why did that come from?” You know, when you speak to yourself, you’d say, “OK, what time should I leave this place? Where shall I have dinner after this?” You’d speak from a first person point of view. You don’t say, “Where should YOU go after this?” Whereas the voice that came spoke as a third party. It said, “This has to happen to YOU, at YOUR prime, because this is the only way YOU can understand.” At that time, my emotions just overflowed and I broke down and cried, alone there. And I knew then, subsequently, what it means to understand that why this is the only way.

Because I had been so proud of myself, my whole life, I needed nobody else. I was gifted with things that I could do, why do I need anybody else? I was just so full of myself that there was no other way I could have turned back to God.

In fact, if I were diagnosed with stage 1 or 2, I would have been looking around busily for the best cardiothoracic surgeon, remove a section of the lobe (do a lobectomy), do preventive chemotherapy…The chances of it being cured is extremely high. Who needs God? But I had stage 4B. No man can help, only God can.

A series of events happened after that. I wasn’t sold after that, because of the inner voice, I became believing, prayers, all that. No I wasn’t. To me, it was just ‘maybe there was a voice; or maybe that was just me talking to myself.’ I didn’t buy the story.

What happened next was that I was being prepared for chemotherapy. I started off with a whole brain radiation therapy first; takes about 2 -3 weeks. In the meantime they prepared me for chemotherapy, supplements etc. One of the things they used for chemo was a thing called Zometa. Zometa - they use it to strengthen the bones; once the bone marrow (replacement) is cured of cancer cells, it becomes hollow, so we need Zometa to strengthen the bone to prevent compression fractures.

One of the side effects of Zometa is that it can cause osteonecrosis (bone death) of the jaw, and I had to have my wisdom teeth removed. Years ago, I had my upper wisdom teeth removed, cos it was giving me trouble. The lower ones didn’t give me trouble so I said, “Forget it, just leave it.” So of cause, Danny volunteered to remove it for me.

So there I was, lying there in a dental chair, asking myself, suffering all the side effects of radiotherapy, and now I have to go through wisdom tooth surgery. As if I’ve not had enough to suffer! So I asked Danny, “Eh, bro, is there any other way? Can I not go though this?” He said, “Yes, you can pray.”

I said, “What’s there to lose? Ok lah, pray lah!” And so we prayed. And we did an X-ray after that. Everything was all there, all the appliances and everything. And lo and behold, the Xray showed that there was no wisdom teeth in the lower jaw. I know most people have 4 wisdom teeth, maybe some have none, but to be missing one or 2, as I understand – I’m not too sure, as I understand – is not that common.

Still I was, “Nah, I don’t care about that.” To me, as long as I didn’t have to take out the tooth, I was happy. At that point, I still wasn’t sold on prayers. Maybe it was just a coincidence – for whatever it’s worth.

I continued meeting my oncologist, asking him, “How long do I have?” I asked him. He said, not more than 6 months. I said, “Even with chemotherapy?” About 3 – 4 months, he said.

I couldn’t grasp that. It was difficult to come to terms. And even as I went through radiotherapy, I was struggling everyday, especially when I wake up, hoping that it’s just a nightmare; when I wake up, it’s all over.

As I was struggling, day after day, I went into depression, which is the typical denial, depression blah blah blah that you go through. But for 1 reason, I don’t know why, there was this specific day that I was supposed to meet my oncologist. At about 2pm, I felt this sudden surge of peace, comfort, and in fact, a little happiness. It was just overflowing. For no rhyme or reason, it just came about 2pm, as I was getting ready, dressing up to meet my oncologist. So much so that I whats-apped all my friends that, “Bros, I just feel so good suddenly! I don’t know why, it just came!”

And it was only days, or was it weeks after, that Danny revealed to me that he had fasted for 2 days for me, and he was bargaining with God, and fasted for 2 dyas, and he ended his fast at that exact same point, about 2pm thereabouts, that this surge of sensation came to me for no rhyme or reason. And I didn’t know that he was fasting for me. And when he ended the fast, I felt that sensation!

Whoa, things were getting a bit too coincidental. I was starting to buy a bit of the story, but still I wasn’t sold. As days passed by, I completed my radiotherapy, about 2 weeks plus. Getting ready for chemo, so they let me rest for a few days.

See, the mortality rate of lung cancer : Lung cancer has the highest mortality rate. If you add up breast, colorectal (colon) cancer, and prostate cancer (the top few cancers in Singapore for men and women), if you add up the mortality rate of these 3, it still doesn’t add up to lung cancer. Simply because, you understand, you can remove the prostate, the colon, the breast, but you cannot remove your lungs.

But there’s about 10% of lung cancer patients who do pretty well for some reasons, because they have this specific mutation; we call it the EGFR mutation. And it happens, only 90% of the time, in Asian ladies who never smoked in their lives. Me, first of all, I’m male. 2ndly, I’m a social smoker. I take one a day after dinner; weekends, when my friends offer me, I take it as well. I’m a light smoker, not a social smoker. But still, my oncologist was still not hopeful for me to have this mutation.

The chances of it happening for me was maybe 3-4% for me to get it. That’s why I was being primed to go for chemo. But through all the intense prayers, friends like Danny, people that I don’t even know, it turned out that, during my waiting for chemo, the results came back that I was EGFR positive. I was like, “Woah, good news!” Cos now I don’t have to undergo chemo at that time, because there’s this oral tablet that you can use to control this disease.


Just to share with you some idea – this is a CT scan – thorax – of my lungs, before treatment.


AFTER BEFORE

Every single dot there is a tumour. You can see all the mets (metastasis) there. This is just one single plane. Literally I had it in both lungs, and I had literally tens of thousands of tumour. That’s why the oncologist told me, even with chemo, at most 3-4 months.

But because of this mutation, they have this oral medication. This is what happened after 2 months of treatment. As you can see over here; this is what God can do. And that’s why I’m still here having this opportunity to share with you. As you can see over here, the difference between before and after treatment.

At that point, I said, “Well, it’s to be expected, isn’t it? The medicine is good.” I’m still not buying the story. Well, the guys prayed for me and the tumour markers started to come down. 90% of the tumours were wiped out, and the tumour markers came down to more than 90% over the next few months.

But still, you know, once you have the clinical knowledge, you know the statistics. One year survival, two year survival; having all this knowledge is not a good thing. Cos you live with the knowledge that even with all this, the cancer cells are so unstable, they keep mutating. They will overcome and become resistant to the drugs, and eventually you’re gonna run out of medication.

So living with this knowledge is a huge mental struggle, a huge mental torture. Cancer is not just about a physical struggle, it’s a huge mental torture. How do you live with no hope? How do you live with not being able to plan for the next few years? The oncologist tells you to bear with it for the next 1 – 2 months. So it’s a lot of struggles as I went through: March, then April. April was my lowest point, in deep depression, struggling even as I was recovering.


HIS ACCEPTANCE & PEACE

And one of those days, I was there in bed, struggling in the afternoon, asking God, “Why? Why do I have to go through this suffering? Why do I have to endure this hardship, this struggle? Why me?”

As I fell asleep, in my dreamy state, a vision just came, that says Hebrews 12:7-8.

Now mind you, at this time, I had not read the bible. I have no clue what’s Hebrews, I don’t even know how many chapters there are. Totally clueless.

But it says Hebrews 12:7-8, very specifically.

I didn’t think too much of it. I just continued sleeping. Then I woke up, and I said, “What’s there to lose? I’d just check it out lah!” Danny had bought me a bible; it’s still quite new. I said, “It’s ok, just try.” So I flipped to the Old Testament. Hebrews to me sounds like something ancient, so it should be in the Old Testament right? So I flipped through the Old Testament. No Hebrews there. I was so disappointed.

Then I said, “Maybe New Testament, let’s have a look!”. WOW – New Testament, there’s Hebrew’s!! It says Hebrews 12:7-8. It says, “Endure hardship as discipline as God is treating you as His children.”

I said, “WAH!! Where did that come from?” I was getting goose pimples all over my body. I said, “This can’t be, right?” I mean, what’s the chance of somebody, who has never read the bible, to have a vision of a chapter of a specific verse, that answers my question directly?

I think God called to me directly as I was there sleeping, struggling with it, asking God, “Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer this?” And God says “Endure hardship as discipline as God is treating you as His child.”

At this point, the chance of that happening is even lesser than my EGFR being positive. There’s just no way; there’s so many millions of thousands of verses in the bible, how can I just conjure up something like that?

So at that point, I was sold I said, “YOU WIN! YOU WIN!!”

Ok , I was convinced. And so from that day onwards, I started believing in my God. And the last time I heard that inner voice was the end of April. And that inner voice, same thing, in the afternoon, as I was sleeping (this time I wasn’t struggling, just going to sleep). In a dreamy state I just heard Him say, “Help others in hardship.”

It was more like a command, rather than a statement. And that’s when I embarked on this journey, helping others in hardship. And I realised that hardship is not just about being poor. In fact, I think a lot of poor people are probably happier than a lot of us here. They are so easily contented with whatever they have, they’re probably pretty happy.

Hardship can happen to rich people; it can be physical hardship, mental hardship, social, etc. And also over the last few months, I started to understand what this true joy is about. In the past, I substituted true joy with the pursuing of wealth. I thought true joy is about pursuing wealth. Why? Cos let me put it to you this way, in my death bed, I found no joy whatsoever in whatever objects I had – my Ferrari, thinking of the land I was going to buy to build my bungalow etc, having a successful business.

It brought me ZERO comfort, ZERO joy, nothing at all. Do you think I can hold onto this piece of metal and it’s going to give true joy? Nah, it’s not going to happen.

True joy comes from interaction with other people. And at a lot of times, it is a short term pride, the past. When you pursue your wealth, Chinese New Year is the best time to do it. Drive my Ferrari, show off to my relatives, show off to my friends, do my rounds, and then you thought that was true joy? You really think that those guys who sold you your Ferrari, they share their joy with you? And your relatives, wow, they share this joy with you? In truth, what you have done is just to illicit envy, jealousy, and even hatred. They are not sharing the joy with you, and what I have is that short-term pride that wow, I have something you don’t have! And I thought that was joy!

So what we have is basically a short-term pride at the expense of somebody else. And that wasn’t true joy. And I found no joy at all on my deathbed, thinking of my Ferrari – to hold on to it, sayang it?!?

True joy I discovered comes from interaction. Over the last few months I was so down. Interaction with my loved ones, my friends, my brothers in Christ, my sisters in Christ, and only then was I able to be motivated, able to be uplifted. To share your sorrow, to share your happiness – that’s true joy.

And you know what makes you smile? True joy comes from helping others in hardship, and because I’ve gone through this, I know what hardship entails. In fact, there’re some cancer patients who tell me a lot of times, people come up to them and tell them, “Stay positive. Stay positive.” Yah, right. You come in my shoes and you try to stay positive! You don’t know what you’re talking about!

But I have the licence. So I’ve been going out to meet other fellow cancer patients, to share with them, encourage them. And I know, because I’ve been through it, and it’s easier for me to talk to them.

And most importantly, I think true joy comes from knowing God. Not knowing about God – I mean, you can read the bible and know about God – but knowing God personally; getting a relationship with God. I think that’s the most important. That’s what I’ve learnt.

So if I were to sum it up, I’d say that the earlier we sort out the priorities in our lives, the better it is. Don’t be like me – I had no other way. I had to learn it through the hard way. I had to come back to God to thank Him for this opportunity because I’ve had 3 major accidents in my past – car accidents. You know, these sports car accidents – I was always speeding , but somehow I always came out alive, even with the car almost being overturned. And I wouldn’t have had a chance. Who knows, I don’t know where else I’d be going to! Even though I was baptised it was just a show, but the fact that this has happened, it gave me a chance to come back to God.

Few things I’d learnt though:

1. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart – this is so important.

2. Is to love and serve others, not just ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being rich or wealthy. I think it’s absolutely alright, cos God has blessed. So many people are blessed with good wealth, but the trouble is I think a lot of us can’t handle it. The more we have, the more we want. I’ve gone through it, the deeper the hole we dig, the more we get sucked into it, so much so that we worship wealth and lose focus. Instead of worshipping God, we worship wealth. It’s just a human instinct. It’s just so difficult to get out of it.

We are all professionals, and when we go into private practise, we start to build up our wealth – inevitably. So my thought are, when you start to build up wealth and when the opportunity comes, do remember that all these things don’t belong to us. We don’t really own it nor have rights to this wealth. It’s actually God’s gift to us. Remember that it’s more important to further His Kingdom rather than to further ourselves.

Anyway I think that I’ve gone through it, and I know that wealth without God is empty. It is more important that you fill up the wealth, as you build it up subsequently, as professionals and all, you need to fill it up with the wealth of God.

I think that’s about it. It’s good to share. Thanks.

Blown Out of Proportion

We have all read about Amy Cheong saga over her 'racist' remarks about void deck weddings, that are, incidentally, synonymous with one of Singapore's major races' tradition. 

In brief, she had written two posts about void deck weddings on her personal Facebook and peppered one of them with the 'F' word, supposedly to demonstrate her exasperation at the noise generated by a wedding near her house or flat. A police report was lodged against her by a member of public and she was fired from her assistant director post with immediate effect within less than 24 hours after her last post went up. She posted it on Sunday evening, by 12 noon the next day, her service was terminated and her post was advertised on her ex-employer's website in the afternoon just a day after the Facebook post went up.

I honestly feel that things were blown out of proportion.

I seriously don't think that she had maliciously meant for her remarks to be 'racist'. It was just a demonstration of frustration about what she could not stop. Don't we complain about the ge-tai and auction noise during the Lunar Seventh Month too? Why isn't there anyone who lodge a police report about people who speak out against 'Chinese noise'? To get fired just because she had posted her feelings about some noise - that to me seems really narrow-minded. Wouldn't counselling do fine? I am aware that she had made reference to the particular race's wedding practice and dissed them for spending 'only $50' on a wedding and suggested that divorce rate is high because of such, but that was said in a moment of angst. To say that she was at risk of creating social unrest or divide or racial disharmony is over the board.

Furthermore, the posts were done on her personal Facebook. I wonder who she had added to land her in such trouble.

I think it would be naive to think that Singapore is racism-free. We have to admit that there are underlying currents of racism - from race to race. Even within our own race, we discriminate different dialect groups mentally, but that doesn't mean we are unkind to one another. Isn't that what tolerance is all about?

Perhaps she should have kept her thoughts to herself, but losing her job and getting lambasted publicly, with her picture splashed all over the internet, is too severe a punishment.

I am not sure if it shows that we are too uptight a people. It reminds me of the time an expat friend asked me why the locals looked at him with a weird look while other foreigners could chuckle at his joke. I told him,"Next time, end your joke with 'Just kidding' so that the locals know that you are just joking."

Honestly, even typing this post makes me feel apprehensive. Would it result in a public backlash at me just because I hold different, 'weird' opinion about the matter? Perhaps it's precisely I know my opinions are 'weird' that I prefer my thoughts to be kept in an attic.

I am not Xenophobic

I resorted to putting up a not-so-friendly note at the common rubbish chute a few weeks ago when my *ahem* not-so-proficient-in-English neighbours refused to - or more accurately, were too lazy to - place their rubbish into the chute. Instead, they left them lying around the chute area. At the time when this picture was taken, there was another packet of rubbish TIED to the pipe next to the chute, and yet another leaning against the wall opposite the chute!

It was not the first time that this happened.

It started getting too frequent for comfort when our neighbour decided to increase their tenancy. Let's see ... there are four ready-made rooms in the flat, and not too long ago, they created two more rooms in the living room using partition boards.

They probably forgot to educate the new tenants on the need to throw away their own rubbish, and so the note had to go up.

I was not too optimistic about the note being up there for too long. I had reckoned it would not even survive a day of being put up. Surprise, surprise ... it is still up there today. And it has served its purpose well. Ever since it went up, the chute area stops having bags of rubbish around it. Even when there are rubbish, they are always bulky items that cannot be thrown down the chute.

I don't care if they are upset with the note. They probably are, but for the sake of not antagonising the note writer, which might result in him or her reporting the outrageous tenancy rate in an HDB flat to the authority, they have complied to the practice of throwing their own rubbish since.