Trauma of a Marriage

I woke up troubled and scared.

I had a long dream of myself remarrying my first ex in a haste. In the dream,  I was already remarried to him. It was a nightmare as everything was a replay of my life with William. There was shouting in the dream, endless doing of chores and the empathetic expression on his face. The Hong Kong show from three decades ago '大时代' ('The Greed of Man') was playing on the television in the background. It was so real, so real.

In the dream, I was scared and angry that I was entrapped in the same snare. It could not have been possible! How could I have got myself into the same trap again, and so soon too? What's going on? I was filled with the fear of having to divorce yet again, with the same person too. I literally saw the divorce cert in my mind in the dream.

I woke up with my eyes widened. I checked the time. 5.55am.

I sat up. I was part-relieved, part-scared. I tried to get it out of my head. It's not true. It's not real. I will not let it happen to me again.

But I was still scared.

I went to bathe.

I closed my eyes and buried my face in a towel to calm myself down.

I opened my Facebook and saw a cousin titled an album 'happy family'.

I looked at her pictures with her husband and two sons and wondered in resignation why a marriage comes 'easy' for others yet never for me.

She hashtagged 'everythingwaspreparedbymyman'.

It's a luxury that I would never know. Not even in my dreams would I understand what that means.

I thought of the friend who told me he would not marry to risk giving half his fortune to his ex-wife. 

He's probably right. He would never have to go through the trauma of a marriage.

Say 'Yes' if Your Friend or Colleague Asks if She Should Divorce

I have at least one friend who thinks I should not divorce for ANY reason. 

I observe that the ones who encourage me to leave are all men while the ones who ask me to stay are all women.

Do women have the mindset that a woman is meant to suffer in a marriage, that once you have made your choice, you should never divorce no matter how miserable you are?

That was my belief: that a woman ought to resign to her fate when she made a bad choice, that she is a lesser human being if she ever divorces, that she doesn’t deserve happiness ever if she divorces - even though the marriage may cause her greater pain. 

Why do women believe that women ought to suffer in the name of ‘keeping a family complete’? The family is never complete with a man always shouting at his wife in front of the kids. Yet as women, we are supposed to suffer the abuse and keep up the appearance “for the sake of the kids”. 

Through my own experience, I have come to realise what a reader had said is true, that a confrontational marriage is never good for the kids. It is far more damaging than not having a “complete family”, something that women with a “complete and whole family” will never understand.

This is a kind friend. A devout Christian who believes she has a personal relationship with God, and I believe she does. She speaks words of wisdom on how to raise a child. Her children love her to bits for her firm yet supportive ways. She was the one who told me our children do not need us when they are at the top, because everybody will cheer them on and give them the support; our children need us when they are at the bottom of the pits because no one will be there for them.

For the first time in a very very long while, when William mentioned that Coco only comes home when she runs into problems, I retorted,"I want her to come home when she runs into problems! I want her to know she has somewhere to run to when she has a problem." 

Much as I adore this friend of mine, I cannot agree to her view that we ought to stay in a terrible marriage till we die. A marriage must not be just in name. I believe we are more than flesh and blood. I believe we have a spirit, which is why we constantly yearn for spiritual and emotional connection.

A chatter had told me I ought to look beyond the physical circumstances to decide if I should divorce. More than just where to stay, he said that I should think about the spiritual aspect first, how it was affecting me. It took me more than ten years to realise that he was right.

I thought environmental stability was the most important thing for a kid. I thought I was doing things in the best interest of Coco. I didn’t know I was doing her harm instead.

I didn't know that mental and emotional abuse is an abuse.

I didn't know that mental and emotional abuse could be worse than physical abuse. I dismissed the mental anguish and emotional pain I was going through constantly, telling myself physical abuse was 10, 000 times worse than this. This is nothing. That I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That these are small matters. 

I didn't know I was abused.

I found security in the familiar zone, like most abused victims. 

I found excuses for his wrongdoings and criminal behaviour, like victims with Stockholm syndrome.

No. Now that my eyes are open, I am sure that God would not want us to be trapped in a deceitful marriage, with someone who refuses to acknowledge that there's something wrong with him, his values and beliefs, the way he disrespects the institution of marriage and the way he treats his wife. 

My friend will not be able to comprehend the magnitude and depth of the perversion of mind of William, because normal people who have an ounce of human kindness towards their family (if he's able to appreciate what 'family' is at all) do not behave like him. Although she insists she understands, the truth is, without living with him and seeing the things he has done to his family, no one can understand what I am saying. In fact, my friend/s would find excuses for him too! "He might be saying that in a fit of anger." "He might be undergoing some form of stress." We all go through stress but it's the way we manage stress that defines us and our values. I am stressed when I can't pay off my bills but I would never never think of stealing from my family even if the money is strewn on the dining table carelessly. I think about how anxious they would feel when they realise their money is gone. I think about how hurt they would feel if they ever know that I had 'taken it'. And above all, "not taking what is yours" ought to be a default, ingrained belief. As teachers, we even teach P1 children not to take their friends' stationery without telling their friends because 'taking without others' permission is stealing'. Why should we have a different set of standard for adults? A thief is a thief. Stealing is stealing. No other way to masquerade it. 

I hope that no one will ever downplay their friend's pain when their friend contemplates divorce. Marrying to the wrong man destroys lives. Please stop advising women to stay married to the wrong man until they die. Women are not made to suffer in marriages. Women are not made to be exploited by men in the name of a holy matrimony. Women are not made to submit to husbands from Hell.  Please don't quote women of yesteryears as the role model for today's women. They suffered till they died, yes. They put up with their husbands' infidelity, drug addiction, gambling addiction and beatings because they were uneducated and did not have the financial means to stand on their own or support their children. One of the reasons women receive education is so that they don't have to continue living the tragedies the yesteryear women had, so that they can be empowered to be in control of their own lives. 

Please don't trap anyone you know in a horrible marriage. Support the woman who contemplates divorce. Lend a listening ear. Tell her that she has every right to divorce as long as she is unhappy with the marriage. She may not know how to word it, like me. She may not be able to put a finger to it, like me. She may be ashamed to list her reasons since she is told that ANY problem in a marriage can be ironed out and her reasons seem too trivial, like me. Tell her to trust her instinct. Don't ask her to list down the reasons. Logic may trump instinct and logic is not always the best indicator in a marriage. The women of yesteryears died in their unhappy marriage due to logic.

Please say 'yes' if your friend or colleague asks you if she should divorce . Don't be afraid to take up the responsibility of that decision. She is not trying to hold you responsible to it. She just wants an affirmation and support from you, to assure her that you will not look down on her if she divorces.

Cheapskate Man. Cheapskate Marriage.

My sisters have been checking with me if I have received the free 10-pack ART (antigen rapid test) kit given out by the MOH (Ministry of Health).

I said I have been checking the mailbox but didn't get it.

I paid $44 for a 5-pack ART kit from Guardian Pharmacy and used a free one from my sister's household.

However, I realised my $44 5-pack ART kit is missing from my bag after I brought it home.

These incidents occur to me how cheapskate a 'man' can be when everything to him in life is measured by monetary worth. 

Even during my last mediation, part of me was still thinking of him not having enough housing fund. He thought I was giving in to his threat and lies. I know I ought to be ruthless like him. He has zero ounce of kinship in him and is just thinking of how to milk the most out of me.

I just want to get away from him ASAP, even at the cost of $70, 000 or more.

I will earn that back in time.

I take it as a costly lesson, literally, to have made the wrong choice, to have believed his lies to marry him.

These costs are nothing compared to the lives of my daughters that he has destroyed.

I had two students whose parents were divorced. The father is footing the bills of the boys. The mother updated the father on their enrichment and tuition classes and the father paid everything.

The mother was living in a condo unit just 15 minutes' walk away from the father's in a prime area and she drove a Mercedes.

I wouldn't have a doubt that the man paid his ex-wife some form of alimony.

Because there was love.

It was probably that past marriage that made me rethink about my own marriage.

If a relationship could still be so cordial and the ex-husband was so responsible towards the woman and her kids, and yet it ended up in divorce, then what am I waiting for? William was not even cordial and responsible in a marriage. Deep within my heart, I knew he didn't love me.

I just didn't expect that he NEVER loved me.

Before marriage, I made it clear to him that I was a single mother. The next man would have to be a Christian and loved my kid as his own.

Oh how he demonstrated that he was the right man then!

He attended church with me, went through water baptism, said his vow at the altar and moved everybody with his speech.

But the second day after marriage, I noticed a change in him.

He was highly communicative before marriage, highly sensitive to my needs and eager to please.

After marriage, he stopped talking. He said I shouldn't expect him to be the same before and after marriage.

Then the money-borrowing episodes started happening.

Then he started stealing from me and the kid/s.

Within half a year, I knew he was a different man. In fact, we quarrelled within 3 days of our marriage but he stopped me from going back to my parents' place, saying it's wrong to do that.

If you think women are entitled to any alimony in Singapore, let me tell you that women do not receive any alimony from men in Singapore. The only women who get alimony from their ex-spouse are those whose ex-husbands have a conscience even if all love is lost.

Yes, very few husbands fight over the care and control for the child. The only ones who fight are those who are trying to use the kids as chips to bargain for a bigger share of the flat (let's just say that no man who's able to afford a condo would do that lah).

Very few husbands would ask the wife to pay for child maintenance.

He tells the lawyer and judge that he has no legal responsibilities towards Coco, the child he promised to love as his own, since he never legally adopted her. Oh, so you had tricked me for 16 years.

Many years ago, I suspected that my marriage was a sham.

16 years on, he's telling me it is.

Ladies, learn from my lesson:

Do not marry a man who asks you to pay for a thing for your wedding.

Do not marry a man who lies to you for the slightest thing even if it seems innocuous or you think it's probably different upbringing or culture.

At the first lie, run.

If a man keeps badgering you not to break up with him, all the more you should. Please do not make the same mistake as me thinking that it's out of love that he can't let you go and he truly loves you. The fact that you want to leave him and he does not allow you to is the first sign of being disrespectful to your wish. And this lack of respect will only grow exponentially after marriage.

Have high expectations for your future husband. Very very high. Don't marry so that you won't be left on the shelf. Don't marry so that you won't be alone.

Because when you are in such a marriage, you would wish you were alone - from the start.

I am Free - after 16 years

Today, I am a free woman! I can't wait to shout this from the top of the world! I am finally free! I am divorced! Congratulate me!

I am sure if you have ever been my reader, you would have read about my most unhappy marriage over and over again. 'Unhappy' is an understatement. It was warped, miserable and torturous. Full of lies and nothing to look forward to, divorce should have happened in the first week of the marriage. It has taken me a lifetime, and had cost me my two daughters whose lives are destroyed.

I have been brought up to believe that a father is necessary for a child. What I never expected was, a lousy father does far more irreversible damages to a child.

I did not dare to divorce because our wedding was solemnised by a pastor. We went through a church wedding. I thought it must be from God and 'God hates divorce', so I must not divorce no matter what.

In any case, he had not raised his hand at me. He had not been unfaithful to me. He did not take drugs. He did not drink alcohol. 

I underestimated the subtle effects of a 'man' who lies. He lies to manipulate and brainwash, and create fake memories in your mind.

I always wondered why Cosette told lies. Now that my eyes are opened, I understand.

For 15 years, not a single day had passed that I did not wonder 'Should I divorce?'

The only time that I stopped thinking about it was when I was playing Pokemon Go like crazy. It allowed me to stop rationalising why I should not divorce or even had the idea of divorce. I knew I was escaping the reality, but it provided me a breathing space. I was helpless and lost. I knew the right thing to do, but I was scared to do it. God hates divorce. How can I even think about it? He did not abuse me. I am in a better state than the women in India. He pays for the electricity bill which cost $300 a month! I won't have an extra $300 to pay utility bills after paying for everything! 

I met an old friend who was my colleague at Tampines Library more than 20 years ago on an extension app of Facebook so we met up and talked. He had become a psychologist. When I told him I was thinking about divorce, and was very afraid that I might die without divorcing, he was utterly surprised. He said,"That goes to show that you deeply want to divorce!"

I told him but I have no biblical grounds to divorce. He did not desert me. He did not commit adultery.

As a Christian, he enquired of his pastor about my situation. He returned to tell me that his pastor said that it's abuse.

I finally found a 'valid' ground for a divorce.

What really sealed the decision and prompted me to find a lawyer to execute the divorce proceedings was when my most beloved passed away.

I bought a family niche to put his ashes so that my mother's ashes would be able to be put together with his when she's called home to be with the Lord.

As his urn was placed in the niche, it dawned on me that if I remain married to him in my lifetime, my ashes would be placed with his after I passed! This would signify that even in death, I would not be able to get away from him! Even though I knew that my spirit would not be in my ashes, or in that niche, I felt very strongly that I did not want to be with him in death. 

Then a question popped in my mind: 

If you don't even want to be with him in death, why would you want to be with him when living? And you are not a tree. You can move if you don't want to be there.

I started talking to him about a divorce. He cried and said,"I will always love you! No matter what happens. Even if you divorce me, I will take care of you. If I have a girlfriend, I would tell her that my ex-wife will come first, and no woman will be able to accept that."

Wow, how touching, right?

So I met up with 5 or 6 lawyers and settled on the cheapest but sympathetic lawyer and began to draft my divorce proposal.

She said if we could talk amicably and settle all the terms, it would be quick and cheap.

Sounds good. I am sure we can. We are after all mature sensible adults. We want to do this without hurting each other. After all, we have been married for 15 years. 

My lawyer sent him the draft in February. 

He didn't respond until May. He told me he 'just want Baby' because he loved her. Since he loved Baby, I said 'okay'. I told Baby we could meet up on weekends. 

Then he said he just wanted the flat. I paid 65% for the flat. He wanted 50-50. I said 'okay'. I just wanted to get it over and done with. My lawyer said,"It won't be the last time that he changes the terms." I said,"I am sure it's the last time. Just do it."

But the lawyer was right. He asked for child maintenance.

Yes, you read that right. He wanted the child so that he could ask for child maintenance from me!

He loved me right? He would take care of me right?

He said,"My lawyer told me that the judge would throw the proposal out of the window if there's no child maintenance from one of the parties! It's a MUST legally for both parties to maintain the child! Your lawyer knows nothing! Why did you get such a cheap lawyer? Does she need me to teach her? She should go back to the law school!"

I checked with my lawyer.

She said it's not true. As long as two parties agree to it, there is no issue. "Tell him to show you his lawyer's statement if that's true! It cannot be that his lawyer just said it without any documentation."

Subsequently, I checked with another lawyer and she said it's unlikely that his lawyer would give him the wrong advice. "For all you know, that's what he wants," she said, looking at me knowingly.

I felt that my cheap and young lawyer did not seem to be able to battle his crafty lawyers so I went in search of another lawyer.

I was very keen to engage the next lawyer I met, who so kindly spoke with me for 1h 45 min and explained at length many things. 

However, I felt that she was too kind and too fair. I was worried she might not be the match of crafty lawyers.

So I decided to go back to the most expensive lawyer I had met earlier on when I was shopping for a lawyer.

I paid her $13k on the spot, up till mediation. 

She drafted the proposal and sent it out to his lawyer.

Long story short. We went through four rounds of mediation. Today was the final round. The judge was kind and patient. I was shocked at how kind she was and made the decision to accept the loss to hasten the divorce process.

But I am sure William would have thought that his threat worked.

He said,"I am not afraid to contest. I know she has $80k - $100k in her assets."

If only I have. After marrying him, I was constantly forking out money for the house, the reno, the trips and supporting myself and Cosette.

I just didn't threaten him back with "I know he has two companies in which he transferred his name out within the year. He's earning $15k a month and he's only paying a miserable $100 per month's utility bill of which he is the main user." 

What made me hesitate was the next one or two years that I have to spend with him.

A few nights before the mediation, I had chanced upon the video on how Samsung's 50-year-old chairwoman Lee Boo-jin had to pay huge sums of money to her ex-husband for her divorce even though he was a lousy husband.

I am not sure if that was how God prepared me for today's mediation. I felt that it's been a lifetime. It's been too too long, so long that I did not think I could ever escape.

When the judge said,"All issues have been resolved." and left the Zoom meeting, I broke down and cried tears of joy and relief. I couldn't believe that a divorce was possible.

My lawyer got a shock. She panicked and asked me,"Why are you crying? Why are you crying? You don't have to agree if you don't want. We will fight."

I shook my head and asked,"Is it over? When can it be finalised?"

When you have been emotionally kidnapped for so long, you do not believe that an escape is possible.

I now see a glimpse of hope in my life.

Whoever knows me and my awful marriage would be happy for me.

I know he will not let me off. Like those stalker ex-husbands who killed their ex-wives, he would continue to torture me using Baby, creating inconveniences to frustrate or exasperate.

In fact, it has begun. After the mediation, he spent hours with his lawyer to draft up minute details of care and control matters, the most ridiculous being wanting to keep Baby's important documents and passport. For one, he has never taken Baby overseas without me before. In fact, if not for me demanding him to spend time with the kids and me, he probably never would. He said that the party who wants to take Baby overseas would have to seek consent from him. The party would have to get her passport from him, and return the passport within one week of return. Obviously, this 'party' refers to me.

Since you have never kept her important documents and never taken her overseas before, why are you requesting to doing this now? Since you said that our relationship is acrimonious, why do you want interaction?

Unreasonable and insensible. Horribly childish. 'Immature' is an understatement.

As of now, I am paying the full loan of the flat since at least 10 years ago after he stopped contributing to his CPF. I am also paying for the internet bill that he's also using. I am also paying for the town council bill which he claimed to pay. He told the judge that he has made 'MUCH MUCH MORE' indirect contributions to the family.

Lots of damage, you mean.

And he actually told the judge that he's very worried that 35% would not be able to cover his accrued interest because it 'A LOT'. You know how much it was? $30k.

How laughable!

It would be such a disgrace if anyone know I was ever related to this dumbass by marriage.

Now I know why women want nothing to do with men, even at a great price. Because it's a reflection of their grave lack of intelligence and poor taste.

One of the greatest lessons I have learnt from this sham marriage is:

Find a man who's richer than you. A poor man is not just financially poor, although there are often good reasons why they are poor. He is also morally bankrupt and thinks women who are tricked by them are just plain stupid and should be fully made use of. And he only loves himself.

In Chinese, we have an ancient but apt proverb to sum up how a marriage should be:

竹门对竹门

木门对木门

Congratulate me, readers. I am free from his clutches.

Helen Lim, you think he's a great husband. You can have him, bitch!

After All These Years

I fell sick. Caught a cold and been feverish for the past few days.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer, for the third time, all these years.

I really want to get it done.

I don't want to lie on my deathbed, regretting that I never got a divorce from him.

He said that he would change to my liking. Yet I know, it will never happen.

And you can never force a person to change. And I don't want to make someone change, in a marriage.

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that if a woman wants to stay home to take care of her kids, she's being lazy and doesn't want to work?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that a house must have two working adults to support the family?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that children do not need parents to be around them when growing up?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that there is no need to set aside a day in a week to spend as a family since the beginning?

How can you change your mindset if you have already decided that there is no need to speak politely to your wife once you are married?

I am not sure why my tears are flowing. I should be glad that I have made the wise decision to leave this man who will never grow up.

I don't want to wake up to awful shoutings every other day.

I don't want to have to fight and shout like a shrew at 12am and 5am.

After all these years, I am tired.

If the bitch thinks he's a good family man, takes care of his kid, coaches his kid, and thinks I don't know how fortunate I am, then she can have him.

I only know I don't want to spend the next 10 years fighting with him.

I am not a fighter. I don't want to win in a marriage. He sees the need to win in a marriage, in a quarrel. He can win all he wants. But he has definitely lost me, long long ago.

I want a husband who truly loves me, not sees me as a trophy to be fought over, wrung from another man's hand.

Ironically, the only time when I felt he was a decent husband was when another man came into the picture.

I told the man, when he left, my husband's niceness would also leave.

Of course it came true.

For so many years, I lie to myself over and over again, refusing to get a divorce, thinking that perhaps I am indeed a difficult wife like how he always tells others about me.

But I am done with that.

Difficult or not, whether I will survive or not, whether I will see my kid or not, whether I will be condemned by God or not, whether I will live in the dumps or not, I want a divorce.

All the emotional abuse. Be gone.

A True Divorce Story

I heard a true story of a marriage from someone I know.

I hate to use words like this: true story, heard from someone I know, but now I know why people use such words. It's to protect the people involved in the story, and the person who told you the story.

The story went back to about 20 years ago.

A 21-year-old girl married a man older than her by more than 10 years. The man loved her dearly and would obey all her commands. He also treated her family and relatives very well, cooking delicious food for them whenever they visited.

They seemed to have a happy marriage and went on to have two children. The man opened a coffeeshop but the girl chose to go out to work at an office.

When she was 29, she decided that she wanted a divorce. It was not clear why she wanted a divorce. Perhaps it was because what a girl wants is different from what a 30-year-old wants. She started to hang out with her boss. Her uncles and aunties also saw the man she hung out with and advised her to stay away from the man, but the girl insisted that she was going to get a divorce anyway and would not break off with the man.

The husband went in search of a solution: he found someone who practised black magic and got a pill or powder for his wife to ingest. He asked his mother-in-law for her permission to do this to her daughter. For the sake of the children, the mother-in-law agreed. However, she stated that he would have to do it himself as she did not want her daughter to blame her if it was found out that she was the one who did it.

At this point, the wife refused to accept any food given by the husband. The husband didn't know what to do. He had to go back to his mother-in-law and asked her for help. The mother-in-law reluctantly agreed and cooked a bowl of boh-boh-char-char with the black magic element for the daughter to consume.

It seemed unbelievable but it seemed to everybody that the black magic worked!

The girl subsequently broke off with her boyfriend and quit her job and went to the husband's coffeeshop to help out. After that, they went on to have a third child. And everybody thought all's well, ends well.

Fast forward to 10 years later, when the girl turned 40 - suddenly, as if she had awoken from her slumber, wanted to have a divorce again!

She said that there was no love anymore.

She refused to sleep with the husband. She loathed the sight of the husband. 

This time, no one was willing to help the husband to feed the black magic element to the wife. They did not want her to wake up from the black magic ten years later when she was 50 to want a divorce again.

The husband spread some unknown powder on the steps of the house. The wife saw it and was careful not to step on it.

Then the husband found some pills equivalent to pills that cause one to be semi-conscious and put them in the water jug, which the wife drank.

While she was in a semi-conscious state, he slept with her.

When she was fully conscious, she was incensed. She felt raped (and she was!) and totally disgusted at what the husband did. She was determined to divorce the husband.

Now they are in the process of separation. The wife is a much happier woman than she was when she was married. She climbs hills and hangs out with friends every other day. On the other hand, the husband became haggard and thin. 

The woman is a pretty and slim woman despite being 43. No visible lines or eyebags. I thought she looked like she was in her thirties. The husband is balding, with a huge paunch.

Superficially, I could understand the split. It really sounds superficial but men are not the only visual animals on the planet. Women needs visual pleasure too, man! That's why I have often asked William to go slim down his tummy. Who likes to be seen with a 7-month pregnant husband all the time? He blames it on his age. I would retort,"I am older than you! And women are supposed to have more fats than men!"

Of course I am sure there are more than just the loss of physical appeal. The age gap between them could mean a lot of issues eg. communication, frequency differences, thought differences.

I was wondering if the husband had treated the wife badly and apparently, the man was a henpecked husband. He would go change into a pair of pants if the wife as much as expressed displeasure at seeing him in a pair of shorts and vice versa.

A few other cases of divorce that I have seen recently make me wonder why these people divorce, given their sound financial states and the lack of third parties. A few are second marriages too! How much love does it take for a man to marry a second time and have very young children when they are in their late forties, when the children from their previous marriage were already in their 30s and 20s?

Then what made them split up?

Life does not have an answer most of the time.

Biggest Decision

No matter what others say about Pastor Kong Hee, he remains someone who had made an impact in my life with what he said at the pulpit.

One of those things he said was:

Who you get married to is life's next most important decision besides accepting Christ.

It's utterly true.

Some women become softer with their words, look better than ever or become better cooks because they marry the right men.

Others like me become a shrew, look haggard and struggle with cooking even after more than ten years because of obvious reasons.

My next husband will be my best food critic.

哀，莫大于心不死

From 张世媛's Facebook:

林心如的妈妈在离婚的时候说了对她说了一句:“一辈子太长了”

        这几天林心如这段话被转疯了：她说：爸妈离婚，就因为爸爸向妈妈养的兰花盆里弹烟灰……

        我妈妈是那种下楼倒垃圾也要穿戴整齐的精致女人，在我12岁时，她和爸爸离婚了，就因为爸爸往她养的兰花盆里弹烟灰、扔烟头，多次劝阻无效……

        亲友来规劝，她只有一句话“他人很好，只是过不到一块去”。外婆气愤的骂她 “你就是书读太多，事儿就多了”。

        在外婆眼里，她的女婿高大英俊，能赚钱，孝顺顾家，反而是女儿任性自私，不考虑孩子和父母的感受。她也很难理解妈妈痛诉爸爸的那些如不爱洗澡、衣服袜子乱扔、吃饭狼吞虎咽、没空陪她、记不住她生日、纪念日，……哪能算是毛病，男人不都是这样的？

        我至今记得妈妈带我离开曾经的家时，流着眼泪对我说“希望你能理解妈妈，一辈子太长了”。

        我16岁时，继父出现了，他个子不高，相貌平平，但整个人看起来干净清爽，笑起来很温和，我竟对他没有排斥感。

        他会为妈妈的花花草草换上漂亮的花盆，给妈妈新买的淡绿格子桌布配上了新的盘子碗筷，为她的红色连衣裙选一双乳白的方跟的皮鞋，给我用铁环勾着的几把钥匙换个漂亮的钥匙扣。

        他会拉着她的手一起去江边散步，看夕阳和日出，去湿地公园拍摄花鸟，告诉她每一种植物的名字和故事，带回几根掉落的树枝，回家后插在古朴的花瓶里，摆在我的书桌上。

        妈妈热爱研究菜谱，每次她隆重的推出新菜时，继父会拉我一起漱好口、衣着整齐的端坐在餐桌前，模仿美食家一样在妈妈期待的眼神中从色香味上开始点评，逗的妈妈咯咯直笑。

         继父还是个过节狂，他说生活就该有年有节，有时有令，这样岁月才有层次感，不同的节日他有不同的礼物和庆祝方式，他会带我和妈妈在季节时令交换时到大自然里走一走，看看时光的交替……

        有一次妈妈生病住院，我去医院时看到妈妈的床头放着一束百合，水果切成了小块放在干净的淡绿色瓷碗里。继父坐在床边，为妈妈旁若无人的读着书。旁边病床的阿姨侧着头羡慕的看看这一幕，我忽然鼻子一酸，终于理解了妈妈的那一句“一辈子太长了”……确实一辈子太长了，不要将就……

        假如一个人和另一个人在一起，只是为了生活，而生活中没有节日，没有惊喜，没有感动，没有浪漫的话，那就叫做搭伙过日子吧？

***          ***          ***          ***

太多时候，我也想就这样子过一辈子吧？搭伙度日。十年却像永远，没有止境。没有止境的流泪，没有止境的讨厌自己，没有止境的鄙视自己，没有止境的遐想“如果当初...” ...

昨天午夜12点45分，在公共场所对我大吼后，他把我遗留在一个无人的巴士站里，自己搭德士回家。

我的心已经死了。

这样的话剧已经上演无数次了。

一个接近不惑的男人，却还学不会成熟。喜欢上演话剧让一大堆不相干的人看笑话。

我真的累了。

已经走不下去了。

人的心会慢慢死掉，有时，你不愿意死心，你就得花很多很多的时间让心一点一点地死去。

你会死心得就算一辈子要自己过，也不要再继续下去了 ... 

Impersonation

Out of the blue, William passed a stack of cash to me in front of Baby and said,"Baby, you will be the witness: Daddy has given Mummy money for our overseas trip at the end of the year."

If you have been following my blog, you would know that forking out money for a family trip is never a practice for William. I usually ended up paying for the bulk of the trip.

I told Coco,"He has given me money for our trip."

Coco looked at me, with wide-eye wonder,"Wah! ... ... Is someone impersonating him?"

I laughed, and returned the humour,"Or ... he is impersonating as ...?"

And we laughed. 

A Lunch Box Laugh

When Baby asks for a sandwich lunch box, I would slap some margarine on two pieces of bread, spread sugar on one of them and cut two heart shaped out of two pieces of bread combined, and place them in an orderly manner so that they look palatable. It's nothing compared to the fancy bentos and lunch boxes but it keeps the little one's stomach full.

 

One day last week, I tasked William to make the lunch box for her while I prepared Baby for school.

As usual, Baby wanted a sandwich just as we alighted at the MRT station near her school.

I opened the lunch box and this was what we saw:

 

Both of us stared at the sight for two seconds before Baby let out,"Why like that? He even gives me the leftovers!"

Then we laughed.

When quizzed, William presented his case,"Oh, they were meant to be artistic shapes."

I created a meme out of the laugh:

 

When a Man Cooks

I had not had my breakfast when I took my father to the doctor's appointment at 12pm.

By the time I sent him home, it was 2pm and I was hungry for my Salted Egg Yolk Burger. 

But Baby would be returning at 3pm.

I reminded myself that William is an adult, so he should learn how to cook for Baby while I have a quick lunch with a friend.

I gave him step-by-step instructions on how to cook the porridge in a pot, and how to marinate the chicken mid-joints and dump them into the porridge when it was half-way cooked.

When I reached home, I was really pleasantly surprised that the chicken porridge was cooked. This was the first time he ever cooked something on a stove.

But when I stepped into the kitchen, I was horrified to have this greet my eyes!

 

"Why did you use the slow cooker to cook the porridge?!!"

"You said to 'use the pot'."

"It's this pot!" (showing him the metal pot)

"How should I know? You never say properly."

And to add fuel to fire,"I saw you cooking using that pot also what!"

"I don't care! You'd better wash the slow cooker up!"

Then I remember what people say about not criticising when a man tries to help, even when he makes terrible mistakes. 

Very tough indeed.

Being a Widow

I stumbled upon a blog whose author was a lady in her 50s. She lost her husband to cancer in the beginning of last year. 

The blog was a means by which she updated the journey to the end with her husband.

She blogged about how deeply grieved she felt, yet knowing that her husband was finally relieved of his fallible body of agony and pain, her profound faith she dearly held onto compelled her to take great joy that he finally joined his Saviour whom he so loved.

After ten months of being a widow and single parent, she revealed how she felt: exhausted because she had to do everything herself. Nobody would pick up the thing that was dropped on the floor if she didn't. Nobody except her had to cut the grass. Nobody would pick up the laundry if she didn't do it. She also felt lonely because there was no one to share her joy and sorrow with anymore. 

She missed her husband deeply, a sentiment I will never have the opportunity to appreciate.

As I read about her inner world, it dawned on me that I have been living like that all my life: exhausted and lonely.

I thought about if I would miss William if he ever dies. The answer is no.

I finally understand why people miss their spouse. Their spouse would have contributed a significant part of themselves to their lives. Be it physical help, money or emotional support. But I don't have these from William. If he ever dies, life will be as per normal for me. In fact, perhaps, life will be better for me. I won't have someone make my day bad at 1am, 5am or 6am. I don't have to wait for someone to have dinner at 10pm. I have less clothes to wash, to dry, to fold. I don't have to worry that the kids will see their parents fighting ever again. I don't have to lead a single mother lifestyle while legally married.

I will be freed from my shackles. Actually.

I probably won't shed a tear for him. Because there's no loss!

Perhaps I have all along been a widow, a spiritual widow, the moment I married him.

Don't assume that I am writing this sad. It's purely a matter of fact to me and I am writing it as it is. That's all. I no longer feel sorry for myself. I know it's my choice to remain imprisoned in this 'marriage' - if you want a name for it. 

I have been watching this Korean drama 'First Wives Club'《大老婆的反击》at 12am, Channel 8, on weekdays.

For some reason, I felt a sense of connection with the betrayed wives in the drama.

They all have unfaithful husbands who cheated on them and most of them divorce the losers, but the protagonist had to make up lies to convince her unfaithful husband to sign the papers, thinking that it was merely a fake divorce. Before she did that, she also cheated him of all his money for a bitter-sweet revenge.

She confided in her best pal, who was incidentally her husband's younger sister, that she hated her husband to death, so much so that she wished that he would be knocked down by a car and get killed. There were times she felt that perhaps she should resign to her fate and continue with her miserable life, putting up with a loser husband, but she was already 40, and did not know how long more she had on Earth. She hoped to be able to live for herself, and live it out. 

As I listened to that, it was like an exact reflection of how I feel, all the time. 

If you think I had kept these feelings to myself, I assure you I had not. William was there when the Korean drama was aired. I told him,"Look, this is how I feel!" 

He smiled sheepishly.

I also told him about the lady blogger and how she missed her late husband, and told him I will not miss him at all since he has never been much help to me.

He also smiled sheepishly.

You can't fight the truth.

The gambler lost, again

Last night, Baby was playing with his handphone.

For some reason, I took the phone, and fiddled with it.

He deletes all his messages each time he smses, but one was probably too recent to be deleted.

It read: Man city win league 1.7

I felt like a lost gambler, for the umpteenth time in this marriage.

I just paid $8k to clear his Standard Chartered Bank loan in December, thinking that he seemed to be more committed to the family now.

My sisters asked me not to. 'A leopard cannot change its spots,' they said.

What can I say? They are right.

I could have used this $8k to do up the study, or to get myself a new camera system.

For the record

... he has been nice to me lately. At least, we are not fighting five to seven days a week.

After so many years of an unhappy marriage, I seem to be able to have a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it's not a train instead.

After he quit the teaching service, he has been happier. He only told me about the cutting words that his bosses had 'bestowed' upon him after he left the service. I felt that perhaps I myself had not been an understanding and supportive partner to him either. We were watching Channel Five 'You, Me and Dupree'. The husband became a different person after marriage because his father-in-law, who was his boss, thrust him with unreasonable demands. It made me wonder if his working environment with callous colleagues had really been contributing to his irresponsible behaviour and being an insensitive and uncaring husband. When under stress, the marriage would also be strained.

I guess both he and I were worried about his source of income when he went private, but he appears to be doing okay now. At least he does not ask me for money to pay bills.

He is definitely not a romantic. It is painful for a romantic-at-heart to be stuck with someone like that, truly.

You may ask,"Then why did you marry him in the first place if you had known him to be unromantic?"

I did suspect that he was not a romantic.

I told him my concern about the issue. My ex was not a romantic and I swore secretly never to be with another unromantic - boy or man.

He gave me his word that he would respect the romantic protocols ie. birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries.

He had not. In fact, I had to ask him, after six years of marriage,"Do you know when our wedding anniversary is?"

It's quite sad, really. I even read of a Facebook friend who has a "proposal anniversary" which naturally stirred up a lot of woos and ahhs from other envious Facebookers, me included definitely.

He did, eventually, suggest to eat out at Buckeroo.

I had really meant to give him credit for buying me a cake for my birthday and a western meal out, and after that, the meal at Buckeroo for our anniversary. I really wanted to make it a happy post, but I don't know why - it simply degenerates into one that is not that joyous after all.

Anyway, I want to say that he has made attempts to make the marriage go on somewhat.

The me within

After the last post, I went into the bedroom, trying very hard to sleep.

I covered my head with the blanket, closed my eyes hard, and tried to fall asleep.

Sleep is a strange thing. The harder you try at it, the more you can't get it.

I woke up to play Bejeweled, but found myself thinking of Coco's plight, and how it came to all these. I reflected on the hurts within me, the insecurities I feel about this marriage and how it is affecting the way I live, the way I educate Coco, the way I talk to William.

I am doing the part-time job because I feel insecure about losing my full-time. Unlike my friends who stay at home to look after their only child, I don't have a husband who brings home enough bread to support Coco and me.

I don't have anyone to co-save with me. I have only myself to depend on for old age. So I save hard, and to save hard, I need to earn enough for savings as well as for spending.

I am treating Coco so harshly because I have this great fear of having my effort wasted. I know I should not have told Coco this, but I was so disheartened I told her that I have staked my doomed future happiness on this marriage. I don't want to see my years invested in this unhappy marriage wasted. The least that she could do was to get into a good secondary school because a large part of why I married William had to do with her primary school education, which was a headstart for her.

My elder sister recorded and played my talk while I was on the phone with William, so all the audience could hear was what I said to William. My nephew guessed that I was talking to William. He said that I only talked that way when I talked to him. It sounded horrible. I kept scolding him "Crazy! You are crazy!" and my tone was foreign to even myself. Do I really talk like that? Like a shrew? Yikes!

But I guess I really speak like a boorish shrew when I talk to William. I have no respect for him, the man I gave my word to honour at the altar.

I was chatting with a chatfriend earlier on. William read that he was looking for an accommodation in Singapore. He blurted out his grouses when I remarked that most girls who enjoy a happy marriage seem to have a similar pattern - they are plain-looking but their husbands are much better-looking. He said,"Because such men will look for plain-looking wives, knowing that the not-so-plain ones will look for other men outside marriages, and it makes life easier for themselves!" He proposed that we divorce the moment my chatfriend comes to Singapore.

I kept quiet. Not because I was speechless. Not because I felt guilty. I just don't want to fight, at that moment.

I only feel that it's a fair exchange - if I work so hard for my keeps, I should also have the right to pursue my own happiness. And if I can't find that happiness within my own marriage, why should I bury myself in a marriage doomed for a divorce, when the husband is a gambler? You like to gamble, I won't check on you. Go ahead. But you have no right to stop me from finding another man to love, because you have given up your right to when you decided not to work at building a marriage with me.

A marriage is hard work. But he doesn't seem to know that. Since our ideals are different, I'll just do my thing and you'll do yours. I won't interfere with yours, so you don't intervene with mine either.

Tears flow. Not because I feel heartached for this long-gone marriage. I am reminiscing about the woman who so wanted to have a simple and happy marriage, and have a complete family for her child.

He said that I wanted something extraordinary, that's why I am pursuing another relationship. How ironical is that! I just want to have a simple and happy relationship. I just want to remain sane. I don't know how others remain sane in a loveless and respect-less marriage.

I asked myself if I still love him. And I know that I can no longer love him. The love I had for him were wasted away. Love and respect for a man go together. Without respect, how can I love him? And he has eroded that respect I had for him before marriage.

He is angry that I am spending his money on expensive meals. How else can I feel like a married woman if not for the digging out of his money for something?

I think about what would happen if we divorce. Actually, it would be for the better - for the kids, and us. I wouldn't feel so frustrated within. I wouldn't feel so terribly insecure and uncertain - isn't that what a marriage should be - to provide a sense of security and eliminate uncertainties? I wouldn't feel so shortchanged as a legally bound woman. I wouldn't feel so cheated after marriage, and continue to be cheated in the marriage. I wouldn't treat Coco so harshly. I would treat her more humanely because I would have been free from this set of shackles.

Is that why my favourite authoress refuses to get married? Because she knows that most marriages go down the ugly route?

What we fight over

We have been fighting over who should look after Baby.

The current babysitter doesn't cut it. I want Baby to be away from her as soon as possible, but William is delaying it, because it's cheaper for him. Damn him!

I want my mother to look after Baby, but he wants his mother to look after Baby.

The reason I don't want his mother to come over to look after Baby is because I don't want the issue of house cleaning or Baby to create friction between us.

I remember how his mother didn't like me putting my bag on the dining table when I went to their place before we got married.

Just one bag and she was not happy already. I cannot imagine what she would say when she comes over - our house is messier than East Timor by her standard.

My mother was asking me to give in to him, to let his mother look after Baby. And she said this,"I don't want you to quarrel because of me."

I quipped,"Do you think we'd quarrel because of you?"

I pointed to the crumb of cake on the knife I was holding and told her,"We would quarrel over this ... and garbage."

We quarrel over everything, literally.

A chatfriend was just telling me that he did not want to create trouble for me, meaning he did not want himself to be the agent of quarrel between us.

I find it very laughable.

Everybody is saying the same thing, that they do not want to cause us to quarrel.

My take is this: if the relationship is unhealthy or rocky, the couple will quarrel over every damn thing. It has nothing to do with anybody else.

Flowers, after some long years

He gave me this on that day:

We had a fight instead.

I know I shouldn't, but I did it anyway. I said he didn't have to give it to me since there wasn't an audience for it. He gave it to me at home, at about 6pm.

I was relieved that nobody talked about that darn Day at my workplace, until an unmarried clerk asked me about whether I was going out for a nice dinner. I had a mini explosion on how I hate the Day, and how lousy my husband was, that men suffer from amnesia about giving flowers or gifts for that Day, birthdays and anniversaries right after the marriage. The fact that she mentioned that 'many colleagues received flowers today' made it worse.

So after I had heard the wonderful things others' husbands and boyfriends had done and me done with my bitching, he gave me the flowers at a place nobody would know or see.

That detonated the bomb.

I said that it was clearly a last-minute effort.

He said he had tried to get it sent to my workplace that morning but the florists' delivery schedules were all full.

I said that's of course, because others' boyfriends and husbands had done it days way before that day.

After many bitter exchanges, he then said he did not have the money to buy the flowers in advance.

On the account that the expensive flowers came from a poor bloke, I let it go.

Some will say that I am unappreciative, ungrateful and blah blah blah.

But he knew all along that I love flowers. He was prompt with them before marriage.

He knew the romantic protocols of a guy in a relationship.

The fact remains that he is a changed person immediately after the marriage. I have not seen flowers for the longest time.

I wanted to smile at him when he gave the flowers, but I found myself crying while facing the computer.

I felt that I had a lot of grievances towards him. A lot. I felt that I could never see him as a dutiful husband ever.

A colleague shared that she told her husband, on an ordinary day, that he had not been getting flowers for her after marriage. He went out to get them immediately. She said,"Does that make me happy?"

I wished I could tell her,"My husband wouldn't even get them for me even if I said that."

I guess most women would wish they could be proud of their husbands.

I didn't think I was one of them. But I guess I do want someone I am proud of too. I don't put William's pictures on my facebook. I didn't know why at first. After a while, I realised it was because I didn't feel proud of such a husband. I could not feel proud of him. I am even worried that if anyone whom William owes money to sees him on my facebook, he would see or think about me negatively.

I tell myself that one day, when I ever feel proud of him, his pictures would be there.

I wished I could write a beautiful post about a beautiful subject, but I still couldn't.

A Simple Wedding

I am back from my colleagues' wedding. Yes, it's 'colleagues'' because they met at our workplace.

It was almost just another wedding, until I saw the montage.

The guy wrote this:

终于盼到这一天
娶你为妻
。。。
痴情的人是我

I was almost moved to tears.

How many of us would admit in public that we are 痴情?

It takes a certain amount of courage to say that, to put that in writing.

The guy was handsome, the girl plain.

But the girl was a kind and simple girl who loves to travel.

He must have been attracted by her simplicity.

I knew the guy first. I didn't think they were a good match at first because of their appearances.

After I knew the girl, I then felt that they were truly compatible.

I am moved that the guy loves the girl more than she loves him. How rare is that? How precious is that?

It's indeed a tall order to even find someone that you can fall in love with. How precious it is to marry someone you love?

The wedding reminds me of a quote from a Channel 8 drama serial 《爱的掌门人》in which Jacelyn Tay and Thomas Ong acted in:

有爱的婚礼就是完美的婚礼
A wedding with love is a perfect wedding

The groom made 3 simple and practical promises in the highlights:
1) Not to make up or tell white lies
2) Share housework with her
3) Take her on a trip every year

William can't even fulfil even one of them. Let alone three.

I know this is one marriage that will last. Not a Christian marriage, but a blissful blissful one.

How envious ...

Hostage

I've posted the video on A-Mei's Hostage before. It was how I first felt being held hostage in the marriage.

Uncannily, the lyrics:

在我心上用力的开一枪
让一切归零在这声巨响

Pull the trigger - hard - at my heart
All shall return to nought with the blast

came to my mind again this morning when I thought about the state of our marriage.

What gives the melancholy?

He had asked me not to go meet a friend. I thought about why I would want to, and it went back to my nil trust in him.

I searched through my drawers for Baby's bracelet - her only gift for her baby shower, from my elder sister. And I couldn't find it.

I thought about my bangles he gave to me during our 过大礼, a Chinese bethrothal ceremony. They are still in the pawn shop.

I am sure he has pawned Baby's bracelet.
He is sure I've taken it and kept in a place I forgot about.

He demanded that I go look for the bracelet and stop falsely accusing him.

It was at 5.30am this morning.

The happily married, the happily-in-a-relationship, the singles and even the divorced readers probably think I am nuts, masochistic or it's just a case of serve-you-right to stay in this marriage, persistently, despite all the obvious unhappiness, even pains.

Just like in the song, the girl finds herself unable to break away from the relationship for a simple reason that she still finds gentleness in the relationship, which is the only solace.

Even though I struggle, or perhaps 'struggled', with his dishonesty and his obsession with monetary possession for his other fetish, I stay because:

• he pays for just about every meal we have, including the ones at Swensen's, Bottletree, Crystal Jade, Yum Cha etc.
• he teaches Coco Maths and Science
• he loves and takes care of Baby
• he was the one who looked after Baby in her infant stage, even though my mother was looking after me for the confinement month. He worked in the day, and stayed awake throughout the night to attend to Baby because she wouldn't be put to bed. She slept in his arms. The moment he put her down, she cried.
• he wakes up at 5am every morning to prepare Coco for school

Except for point 3, the rest are superficial and are dispensable, you say.

Yes, I agree. But these are the reasons I have to stay.

On the other hand, as would all sane women with normal relationship needs, I don't feel happy in the marriage. At best, it is a legally-binding relationship, with kids and a flat in the picture.

At worst, it is a cohabitation of two strangers, with no connection whatsoever except for the above points in 'at best' scenario.

During courtship days, he was the best kind of boyfriend a woman could ask for. He didn't have a car (neither does he now), he didn't have alot of money, but he was considerate, gentle, sensitive, caring, understanding and listening. He looked and sounded like a prudent man and a strict but loving father to his own children. He sounded like he was a traditional man, like my father, to his future family.

I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

Of course, like most courtship stories that end in marriage, it's a different story after you marry.

My going-to-meet the friend is not vengeance. I am way past the age of seeking vengeance. I just want to keep myself sane and perhaps normal (albeit in a way that's not-me) in this marriage. I just want to enjoy a relationship that's free from the stifling legal obligations. I am not sure if I am happy doing just that, but I have led a life of zombie for so long. I am also a human being, a woman with normal needs of being genuinely loved and appreciated (by that I don't mean sexually).

A relationship without trust. How I can be in such a relationship for so many years baffles me even. Perhaps like what someone said of herself, I have compartmentalised my affection and love according to the invisible rules and regulations of this marriage. When it comes to my kids, no reservation of love and affection. When it comes to him, it's not 'love', but 'maintenance of a legal form of cohabitation'.

It sounds warped, but it's not. I have read about so many unhappy marriages I suspect I am not alone.

No, I am not 'too lazy' to file for divorce. In fact, my marriage cert is still with the lawyer. I have paid $800 as the first payment to him. If I don't finalise it, it'll be forfeited.

I believe that one of these days, I will.

I am waiting for that day. When? You ask.

When the hopelessness reaches the bottom-pit. When a divorce does not feel that painful anymore. I am not like those people who can cut the long pain short. When I have a band-aid that requires tearing off, I tear it off very very slowly, to minimise the pain. Yes, I know I now have 'age' to think about. But to a woman who has been through hell twice, she definitely will not want to visit it ever again. So it doesn't matter how old I am when I am finally divorced.

When I first posted the song eons ago, there was only a few lines I identified with. Now, the whole song seems to be a complete, and apt, description of my marriage:

《人质》

我和你啊存在一种危险关系 You and I coexist in a precarious relationship

彼此挟持这另一部份的自己 Both hold hostage a certain portion of each other

本以为这完整了爱的定义 I thought by doing this, the meaning of love is completed

那就乖乖的守护着你 And I will stay by your side, faithfully

相爱变成猜忌怀疑的烂游戏 When love becomes a rotten game of suspicions

规则是要憋着呼吸越靠越近 The rule is to inch near each other with our breath held

但你的温柔是我唯一沉溺 But the only reason for me to stay is your gentleness

你是爱我的就不怕有缝隙 If you truly love me, there wouldn't be any gap between us

在我心上用力的开一枪 Pull the trigger - hard - at my heart

让一切归零在这声巨响 All shall return to nought with the blast

如果爱是说什么都不能放 If love is meant to be held on regardless the reasons

我不挣扎反正我也没差 I will not struggle. In any case, I have never


人质在这一刻得到释放 The hostage is exonerated - at the pull of the trigger

相爱的纯粹落得如此下场 Such is the end of love - tragic

你满意吗我们都别说谎 Are you happy now? Let's kid ourselves not

I am not a perfectionist

I haven't replied the lawyer since he mailed me the HDB documents in September.

I don't know what I should do. Indeed, the key word is 'should'.

Sometimes I ask myself if I am asking for too much. I have always tried to avoid being perfectionistic, ever since my father once commented that perfectionists are most hateful because they give the rest of the world a lot of trouble just to convenient themselves.

I tell myself that marriages are not perfect, like the one I am in. It's not perfect. In fact, to me, it's far from perfect. It is not even on the scale in the first place.

I ask myself if the perfectionist in me is acting up again.

But sometimes, I tell myself that the most important thing is that Baby is happy.

But I don't think I am happy. Not at all.

Not a day passes without me thinking whether I should divorce. Then I question if I am being perfectionistic, and I leave it at that. Only someone who has gone through this could understand what struggle this is.

The ROM cert is still with the lawyer. I tell myself that if I want to call it off, then I should go and get it back from him. But I haven't done that.

I don't really want to get it back.

Because half of me really want a divorce.

A marriage has so many little things that irate me.

Do you know that we are married for five years, and NOT ONCE has he observed the wedding anniversary?

I hate it when I see people mentioning on facebook that they are going into the first, or second, or third, or ninth, or seventeenth anniversary on when and when. And how they are going to celebrate it. Each time I see it, it reminds me so painfully that I have a no-good husband who probably doesn't even remember the date of our wedding, from the very first year.

It is very painful for me, to say the least.

I hate to admit it - I really do - that I am a perfectionist. My supervisor tells me that I am, my friends tell me that I am, and even a reader tells me that I am. I try to ignore being called a perfectionist, but in this aspect, I am a perfectionist. Aren't all women?

I would love to watch the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I would love to watch Rapunzal. I would love to watch The Little Fockers. But no.

Before I get to watch them, they are taken down.

I tell myself that these things don't matter. They are trivial.

But yet, it matters to me. Very much.

It's not the movies. It's the sudden realisation that I don't have a companion even though I am married.

This marriage has given me nothing except tears. Each time I type about my pathetic marriage, tears flow. And it's not tears of thankfulness or gratitude, or being moved.

It is with regrets that I am married. A lot of regrets.

When I see Baby, I wonder if my heart is hard enough to see her puzzled why her family is different from others', like Coco when she was young.

It's like going through an operation. The first time - it's painful, but because you went in without knowing what to expect, you went through it anyway. The second time you are told you need an operation - you are more hesitant.

Of course, I know that I have no lack of movie companion only if I send an sms.

But I ask myself if this is truly the kinda life I have to lead, or want to lead, that my companion in real life is different from the one in name?

But can he be my companion ever again? I ask myself.

I search within myself and feel that everything is never the same again starting from the day he took the kids' red packet money and my dowry.

To date, he has not redeemed my dowry. That tells me how repentant he is.

To him, it's just a pair of bangles in exchange for money. Finished. Period.

I really should adopt the same attitude. For some reason, it doesn't feel as painful when I see it that way. And of course, the same attitude applies to the marriage - it's just a legal procedure.

Where this marriage is concerned, I am stoic.

If I ever get out of this marriage, I will probably never marry again.

I tell myself that he has some redeeming points, like he buys the rather expensive rice milk for me.

...

But he has some irredeemable habits, like he loves to quarrel with me on the streets, in the shopping mall, on the train, in the bus, in the shops.

He promised never to quarrel in front of strangers or in public after we married, because we would have a house to go back to to thrash things out.

No.

The drama king in him wants to let it all out in public, even in the presence of the kids. Let the public see what kinda stupid wife he's got.

I hate this. He has no idea how much I hate fighting on the streets. I saw my father did this to my mother when I was young and I told myself I would never marry a man like that. He has no idea how embarrassing it is to quarrel on the streets. Yes I tell you - he has NO idea, for the simple reason that he has no shame. For a man who cheats an old man in his nineties, how much shame does he have in him?

This alone, should qualify a divorce.

He fights with me in front of the kids. I told myself that my marriage will be one that will maintain peace in front of the children, no matter how bad it is. No. It doesn't matter to him if the fights and quarrels leave a psychological scar on the kids. Because he is plain selfish. He only thinks of himself.

This alone, too, qualifies for a divorce.

Let's see how low I get for a woman's expectation of a marriage:
1) He hasn't hit me.
2) He buys milk powder and diapers for Baby.
3) He pays the utility bills and internet bill, after we receive letters of threat to cut off the supply and I hound after him to go pay.

For someone who is supposedly a perfectionist, isn't this list a mockery at her 'perfectionism'? I can only say that I am not a perfectionist in my heart of hearts. If I were truly a perfectionist, I would have left him, long ago.

Yes, I know I whine alot about my marriage. I hope I stop too.