Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Busy and tired

I still feel very tired all the time although I'm supposed to be in my second trimester now.

I still feel very nauseous and appetite is still not good. My sense of smell is still ultra-sensitive. I felt incredibly exhausted after testing 3 students for oral exam.

The strange thing is, my tummy seems to have become smaller, as if I'm not pregnant. Sometimes, I even wonder if everything could have been a mistake, yet it couldn't have been so since I got the ultrasound scans with me. I'm not paranoid. My fifth sister also noticed it. My next visit to the gynae is about 2 weeks from now though.

I still have quite a number of things on my hand to be done within these few days:
1. student remarks for the report book (will try to do it by today)
2. individual lesson plans for the remedial lessons (will try to do it by tomorrow)
3. weekly lesson plan (will try to do it by Thursday or Friday)
4. marking of the maths and English worksheets and revision papers (will try to do it by today and tomorrow)
5. returning of the files and books to the students after making sure they have done their corrections and filed in

Others that allow me about another week to do:
1. spelling lists for Term 3
2. revision papers for Term 3
3. Science CA2 Paper

All these tasks just seem so endless and menial. I was so busy I totally overlooked Coco's Chinese spelling exam. She had to take it without any preparation for it. The poor girl!

Saturday, 26 April 2008

Divorce continues to be on the cards

The longer I spend my time with him, the more I feel that I should leave him.

I feel that I don't have a lot of time left. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living such a wretched life, and listening to endless grumbles and complaints - about work, children and life itself. I think life is supposed to be good. I don't think it's supposed to be about complaints and complaints and complaints and sitting there till you die.

I'm very tired of this marriage. A parasite husband. A complaining husband. A useless husband. A husband who keeps asking money from you. A husband who runs home to complain that his wife doesn't help him. A gambler husband. A loser husband.

I want a divorce.

I know he'll make things difficult. I just know.

I'm getting sick of the Christianity ideologies about divorce. I don't want to care so much about it anymore, and get trapped to an irresponsible husband.

He said that his grandfather is willing to give him $50k to settle his debts. The question I had was: didn't you said it's $30k? But I didn't ask. In any case, he said his grandfather wanted me to go with him to see him, so that he could let me be informed of William's financial situation and possibly help him out or something.

The fact is, I knew of his 'financial situation' 1 year ago. But he's refused to let me manage his financial matters. The only thing he wants from me is my money. I'll reiterate here: I've given him $17k - all of my savings during my studying years - and was left with zero savings for myself or Coco. I had to ask my sisters if I should buy a $10 item. Life was so stressful that I was down with yeast infection for months. I never want to go back to that kinda life again. Not for a worthless worm like him.

I've never heard of a friend giving money to her husband. The only one lent $2000 to her husband, and stopped lending once he defaulted on the repayment. She'll make sure the $2000 is repaid by taking that amount out from the sales of the flat.

I think I've been one of the best and supportive wife around. And I don't think I deserve a jerk as a husband. I'm sick of feeling envious of other women. I really am. I don't want to think about ethics anymore. I hate myself for being so virtuous. At the end of it, what do I get?

Sunday, 20 April 2008

"Site temporarily disabled"

I was trying to enter two blogs I usually read, and to my horror, I can't gain access into them. It reads, "Site Temporarily Disabled".

It gets me worried. I can't help but wonder if their blogs are tracked down by the authorities and ordered to be kept private or disabled because they wrote much about the backstage stories of teaching. This is also one of the reasons I don't want to talk about my job so much anymore because I do want to blog about my private life. William had warned me that blogging could get me into trouble for obvious reasons if I'm 'found out'.

Studio pic and Oscar test

We got our studio pics back last Thursday.

I travelled all the way to Somerset to Studioloft to get the pics. After some struggles and contemplation, I decided to get it over and done with once and for all - I bought all originals back for $250.

Coco and me

See my tummy? I wasn't even pregnant yet. I had grown so meaty.

Oh, I went for the Oscar test after weeks of daily struggle. I decided to get it over and done with to end the agony. Dr Ang was good. He only jabbed me once and my imagination or memory of my experience with KK Hospital must have exaggerated the pain. It wasn't as painful as I'd thought it would be. I guess the results are ok since he didn't call me up personally.

I'd read a thread on Singaporemotherhood on the agony over Oscar test. Most of them in the thread receive negative results from the test and they had to go for an amnio. It was so traumatising for them when they could have saved that $1300 since the babies were normal. And it had to take them two different sort of tests to determine that their babies were normal. I think I would cry my heart out if I have to go for an amnio. I've seen how huge that needle was on TV. I think I would have fainted before the needle go into my tummy.

Coco's birthday party

Yesterday was Coco's birthday.

We, or rather, the kids, had a splashing good time at Wild Wild Wet.

About 17 kids turned up for the party, and most of them stayed on because it was their first time there and they hadn't had so much fun at a swimming pool before.

Coco was worried that the weather might turn wet. So we prayed about it before we left. It was a beautiful weather. Very little sun, but not so sunny that you need sunscreen. It was quite humid though, but it couldn't be helped.

The only disaster that happened was Coco slipped and fell and had a huge bump on her head. But she gritted her teeth and held back her tears because everybody was about to sing her the birthday song soon. The poor girl!

I got to meet other mothers and fathers. They are all very nice people.

And the kids' presents. It makes me realise their differences from the neighbourhood school kids not only lie in their attitude towards studying and teachers, but even presents they give. The presents' prices range from $20 - $40. And they are good gifts. You won't see anything that looks suspiciously like something that have been left around from last year's Christmas gift-exchange.

Organising the party has left me tired though, but I guess all parents are the same. We go by the same line,"As long as it makes the child happy."

But I suspect this would be the last time it's such a big-scale one.

A friend's words

These are what a friend said to me after I confided in him about how disappointed and disheartened I was with Coco and felt like a total failure as a mother:

"u need to sit down and think clearly about all that you're going through, and learn to control your emotions. Coco is still a child, and though she may be frustrating to you and do the things you dont want her to do, she is still your daughter."

"You must not give up on her or think that way. Everything that she will become will depend on how u continue to bring her up for the next 10 years or so."

"Things aren't rosy for you now in a lot of ways, but u must make do with it. Not everyone has a great time at this stage of life. Everyone struggles in their own little way. Even I am struggling for things that may not seem much to you, but mean a lot to me. I don't always expect to struggle, I hope some day things will be great... it is that hope that keeps me going."

"You will not see the efforts you put into Coco now. She is too young to know and understand. When I think back as to how I was as a child, I believe I was sometimes very unreasonable to my parents too."

"But most of the time, i felt they were unreasonable to me. Its only now that I am much older, (and hopefully much wiser!) I realized that their perseverance in guiding and teaching me did drive some sense into me."

"A lot my good traits are because my parents never gave up on me and kept me on the right path. You must do the same. That is your duty as a parent. When u decide to bring a child into this world, u have to be there till the end, you cannot give up till the end. You will get plenty of time to rest when you die, till then you have you leave a legacy for your children to follow."

"I hope your health is ok too. Please see the doctor every month, n get the necessary tests n medications. Please eat well too!! You need to put on some weight!!! My good wishes and love are always with you. You can msg me anytime u want to talk."

Sunday, 6 April 2008

A pregnant maid, Husband from hell

I was upset with William the past few days. Positively upset.

The house was in a mess - untidy, things all over the place, and dirty, food was rotting away in my mother's tupperware. I had asked him to throw away the food for days and every day he gave the same excuses,"Later, later ... tomorrow, later, tomorrow ..."

On Friday night, I came home all exhausted just to find a freaking cockroach running across the dining table as I switched the light on. It must have been attracted by the 'scent' of the rotting food. I picked up William's sandal and gave chase. I slapped it a few times before it finally tumbled and wriggled helplessly on its back on the kitchen floor. I placed the slipper on top of it and went away, totally disgusted by it all.

The next morning, we fought over housework issue, naturally.

When he left, I decided to clean up the house myself.

For four hours, I wiped (note: not 'mopped') the floor in the living room, kitchen and Coco's room. Intermittenly, I ran to the service balcony and alternate between sorting the dirty laundry, putting them batches by batches into the washing machine, and taking them out either to hang dry or dumping them into the dryer. Coco's room was a nightmare. Lots of lizard's droppings on the aircon piping. I had to pick them up one by one and clean them off. And her things! They were all over the floor, her table, her treasure chest, under her slide-bed ...

At the end of 4 hours, I was literally drenched in sweat. And a couple of hours later, I found myself having aching thighs because of the constant squatting and standing up for wiping of floor.

This morning was especially hard. Even sitting down and getting up from the toilet bowl was a challenge. The thighs feel like they are swollen and bruised.

I was very angry with William for being a husband from hell. When I was wiping the floor, I had to keep telling myself that this marriage is my punishment because I chose to marry him when he had behaved irrationally and childishly towards the end of our wedding preparations to make myself feel resigned and 'better' when doing the chores, and to prevent myself to keep breaking down halfway through the chores. I'm pregnant for goodness' sake! And my spotting has just stopped!

Whatever happened to all those nice-sounding beautiful promises of taking good care of me and Coco?!!! He comes back just to tell me how his beastly friend Jack boasts of how good his wife is who does housework religiously with a big tummy. Hey! I haven't even begun to tell you that there're wives out there who receive expensive gifts like dunno-how-many-carat diamond ring from their husbands after they give birth and they are looking forward to another pregnancy because of all the wonderful treatments and luxurious gifts they get! I'm not even expecting you to KNOW ANYTHING about pregnancy because you're just plain lazy and irresponsible. And that's why I never ever wanted to get pregnant! Have you ever even given a thought to why would your wife actually wanted to go for an abortion although you're married? Can you use your pea brain for once at all?

Up till now, my family and friends are still asking me to reconsider having this baby. What kind of a bastard does it take for the rest of the world to ask the wife to abort the baby over and over again? They are frightened for me. And I'm frightened for myself. Very.

It's sad that a pregnant woman hopes that she has a miscarriage. Really sad. She doesn't have the courage nor the heart to abort the baby, but she doesn't want to keep the baby knowing that the husband is a no-good bastard. What kind of advice do you give to such a woman?

I'm thinking of giving up the baby to him and getting a divorce. I really hate myself for not making the decision on a divorce soon enough. Now that there's a baby in the picture, it will be harder than ever.

I keep asking myself, and God: Is this the 'best' that you think I deserve for a husband? Do I really deserve a bastard for a husband? Or bastards for husbands? It's becoming clear to me that both of them are exactly the same. They are both irresponsible and lazy, but think that they are responsible just because they've fulfilled some legal obligations. And they are always ready with excuses for the things they don't do. And they cannot see themselves as a family with me or the child. They are both selfish and think of themselves first. They leave me to fend for myself in critical moments. I'd meant to find someone totally different from him, but I find myself back to square one with a photocopied version of him. It's checkmate for me.