Monday, 30 June 2008

Baby at 21st week

When I went for the detailed scan about 2 weeks ago, she weighed in at 392 g.

A very active fella. Facing up and down and swimming in the bag all the time.

I can't help but worry that she might turn down and demand a natural delivery. A 'natural' delivery doesn't sound or look natural to me at all. What with the injecting and cutting and stitching. Ouch!

But I really don't want to think too much about it now. I almost went crazy when I had Coco. And she came just like that, unexpectedly. I believe this baby will also come at a time least expected.

Surname issue

I've been very tired and stressed out, physically and mentally, and emotionally, which explains why I haven't been blogging.

It's quite depressing to blog about all the depressing stuff. And honestly, I didn't know what to do about this marriage. I want to go on, but yet I know I can't face myself if I have to act ignorant in order to continue with this marriage.

I smsed him last night that I am sure I want the baby to take after my surname, for the good of the baby, because I'm almost sure we'll divorce sooner or later. It's just a matter of time. I don't want people to quiz about the baby's surname after we're divorced. It'll be a pain - to the baby and to me.

I know he'll be hurt by my decision, but I don't want to do anything that will hurt the baby in the long run.

Up till now, he's still gambling, and betting. The worst thing is not the inability to kick this habit, but the fact that he denies doing it. He actually believes that denial is the way to go. Then what's the difference between him and those idiots in my class? When the boys commit a crime and you ask them why they did it, they flatly deny it,"No, I didn't do it." when clearly, they are the culprit.

I caught him red-handed at the betting counter, buying 4D and collecting money. I just didn't want to make a big hoo-ha in front of so many people although they could tell that things were amiss. I saw his friend's sms about buying against which team for the Euro soccer. When I asked him to stop betting, he said,"Crazy."

I told him I cannot imagine myself battling with his gambling and betting habits for the rest of my life. There were 3 types of men I told myself I must never marry: gamblers, drug addicts and unfaithful men. Because these men are wayward and would never change their ways. Very often, they think it's perfectly alright to ask their wives for money and bring the family down.

Little did I know I was marrying a gambler. And I have been trying very hard to make things work out. But no. One party's effort won't work. I don't want to waste my energy, my will and my patience on a wastrel anymore.

I know I will divorce him, but when - I really don't know. I hope to find a lawyer who doesn't drag things on and who doesn't discourage me from the divorce.

Sometimes I hate myself for not having enough courage to abort the baby. What's the point in bringing her to this world when I know I'm going to divorce him? I don't understand why he won't change for the sake of the baby. I don't understand what's so hard about kicking a habit that can only bring him down? I don't understand what's so difficult about understanding the logic that a true man doesn't take money from his wife. I don't understand why a man can actually ask his wife to borrow money from her sister and doesn't think his pride is hurt. I don't understand why a man doesn't think that it is his responsibility and obligation to feed the family. I don't understand why a man can think nothing of asking his wife to pay off his debts for him when he spends thousands on betting and gambling and doesn't support the wife or the child, whom he promised to provide for, and when the wife earns almost only half of what he does and is paying off her own study loan. I don't understand why a man can change at a 180 degree turn right after the wedding. I don't understand ...

My blog has been searched, recently, by people who googled for Quan Yifeng and her marriage. I admire her for her candidness about her marriage. I admire her that she's able to say there's no laughter in the marriage. Am I not like her? So why am I carrying on the marriage? I'm a nobody while she has lots to think about. She doesn't even want to say that she's happy so that 'nobody will laugh at me in the event a divorce takes place'.

Of course up till now, I still unrepentantly hope that William will wake up to his senses. I hope that he will kick his habit and not 'stop betting' only when there's no soccer seasons. I don't understand how a person can proclaim that he has stopped betting already when he knew in the heart of hearts that he will resume betting when there're soccer matches going on. I hate liars. I really do. I'm so painfully honest that I can't lie to save my own life. What makes you think I can live with a liar?

I don't want to put up with these humiliations anymore. He takes me for a fool and thinks that just by denying everything, I will be blinded and deceived. By closing my eyes and hoping that one day he will wake up to all his wrongdoings, he will repent and come back to me - I'm too naive.

He will not.

He's an utterly selfish man who cannot think for his family, much less love them.

I will find my own love. In my own way. A liar doesn't deserve to be honestly treated. I've given him respect that should not be due to him for too long. And I've stepped on myself for too long. He doesn't deserve my fidelity. He doesn't deserve Coco's love or respect either.

He doesn't.

Saturday, 7 June 2008

In limbo

He said that his grandfather will help him pay back the credit card loans while he pays him back $2,000 every month. In addition, he'll give me $1,000 every month. Honestly, I don't believe that he'll give me $1,000. His old excuses will come up somehow,"I don't have the money""This month not enough.""Next week then I give you more." etc.

I honestly, badly, want to retain this marriage. I can't bear to see my kids ended up with no father at the time of birth. I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't want to have two kids with different surnames with me being a single mother. I don't want to give away my baby. I don't want to go through the process of a divorce. I don't want to fight over the custody of the child. I don't want to fight over the child's maintenance. I'm tired.

I don't know how long this marriage can last, but I'll stick it out for as long as I can, I guess.

TCS compere Quan Yifeng survived her unbalanced marriage with her being the sole breadwinner. It makes me think that perhaps there really would be a day that William might do better and we don't have to quarrel about money anymore.

I've been trying to talk to him about the possibility of running a business. Teaching is definitely not something we can do for a lifetime. But he's been evasive and reluctant. He's always using his debts as a hedge.

Sunday, 1 June 2008

The ball is in his court

Sometimes I suspect I'm too lonely.

Apart from feeling weak and tired all day, I watched TV today for the whole of afternoon from 3pm till 7pm. The programmes sucked but I didn't know what to do else. I actually thought of going into forums to give my views.

Today I plucked up my courage to tell him that he has to give me his salary. If not, I'll divorce him. He said I'm forcing him to hand over his salary. Yes. I am. But I'm left with no choice. I told him I don't want to drag this on anymore. I'm very tired. It's either he agrees to it or I'll go find a lawyer next week. Our notion of a family is very different. Our values are very different. So what's the point in dragging on for the sake of a baby when I know that eventually things still won't work out? We're just buying time for the sake of wasting time. Unfortunately for me, I've got very little time to waste. I need to make up my mind fast. And exit fast if things don't work out. If only I didn't drag things on. I wouldn't have to endure this pregnancy while planning for a divorce, and bringing an innocent life on board with us when the ship is sinking.

I'm just so lonely and tired.