Uncannily, the lyrics:
在我心上用力的开一枪
让一切归零在这声巨响
Pull the trigger - hard - at my heart
All shall return to nought with the blast
came to my mind again this morning when I thought about the state of our marriage.
What gives the melancholy?
He had asked me not to go meet a friend. I thought about why I would want to, and it went back to my nil trust in him.
I searched through my drawers for Baby's bracelet - her only gift for her baby shower, from my elder sister. And I couldn't find it.
I thought about my bangles he gave to me during our 过大礼, a Chinese bethrothal ceremony. They are still in the pawn shop.
I am sure he has pawned Baby's bracelet.
He is sure I've taken it and kept in a place I forgot about.
He demanded that I go look for the bracelet and stop falsely accusing him.
It was at 5.30am this morning.
The happily married, the happily-in-a-relationship, the singles and even the divorced readers probably think I am nuts, masochistic or it's just a case of serve-you-right to stay in this marriage, persistently, despite all the obvious unhappiness, even pains.
Just like in the song, the girl finds herself unable to break away from the relationship for a simple reason that she still finds gentleness in the relationship, which is the only solace.
Even though I struggle, or perhaps 'struggled', with his dishonesty and his obsession with monetary possession for his other fetish, I stay because:
- he pays for just about every meal we have, including the ones at Swensen's, Bottletree, Crystal Jade, Yum Cha etc.
- he teaches Coco Maths and Science
- he loves and takes care of Baby
- he was the one who looked after Baby in her infant stage, even though my mother was looking after me for the confinement month. He worked in the day, and stayed awake throughout the night to attend to Baby because she wouldn't be put to bed. She slept in his arms. The moment he put her down, she cried.
- he wakes up at 5am every morning to prepare Coco for school
Except for point 3, the rest are superficial and are dispensable, you say.
Yes, I agree. But these are the reasons I have to stay.
On the other hand, as would all sane women with normal relationship needs, I don't feel happy in the marriage. At best, it is a legally-binding relationship, with kids and a flat in the picture.
At worst, it is a cohabitation of two strangers, with no connection whatsoever except for the above points in 'at best' scenario.
During courtship days, he was the best kind of boyfriend a woman could ask for. He didn't have a car (neither does he now), he didn't have alot of money, but he was considerate, gentle, sensitive, caring, understanding and listening. He looked and sounded like a prudent man and a strict but loving father to his own children. He sounded like he was a traditional man, like my father, to his future family.
I wouldn't have married him otherwise.
Of course, like most courtship stories that end in marriage, it's a different story after you marry.
My going-to-meet the friend is not vengeance. I am way past the age of seeking vengeance. I just want to keep myself sane and perhaps normal (albeit in a way that's not-me) in this marriage. I just want to enjoy a relationship that's free from the stifling legal obligations. I am not sure if I am happy doing just that, but I have led a life of zombie for so long. I am also a human being, a woman with normal needs of being genuinely loved and appreciated (by that I don't mean sexually).
A relationship without trust. How I can be in such a relationship for so many years baffles me even. Perhaps like what someone said of herself, I have compartmentalised my affection and love according to the invisible rules and regulations of this marriage. When it comes to my kids, no reservation of love and affection. When it comes to him, it's not 'love', but 'maintenance of a legal form of cohabitation'.
It sounds warped, but it's not. I have read about so many unhappy marriages I suspect I am not alone.
No, I am not 'too lazy' to file for divorce. In fact, my marriage cert is still with the lawyer. I have paid $800 as the first payment to him. If I don't finalise it, it'll be forfeited.
I believe that one of these days, I will.
I am waiting for that day. When? You ask.
When the hopelessness reaches the bottom-pit. When a divorce does not feel that painful anymore. I am not like those people who can cut the long pain short. When I have a band-aid that requires tearing off, I tear it off very very slowly, to minimise the pain. Yes, I know I now have 'age' to think about. But to a woman who has been through hell twice, she definitely will not want to visit it ever again. So it doesn't matter how old I am when I am finally divorced.
When I first posted the song eons ago, there was only a few lines I identified with. Now, the whole song seems to be a complete, and apt, description of my marriage:
《人质》
我和你啊存在一种危险关系 You and I coexist in a precarious relationship
彼此挟持这另一部份的自己 Both hold hostage a certain portion of each other
本以为这完整了爱的定义 I thought by doing this, the meaning of love is completed
那就乖乖的守护着你 And I will stay by your side, faithfully
相爱变成猜忌怀疑的烂游戏 When love becomes a rotten game of suspicions
规则是要憋着呼吸越靠越近 The rule is to inch near each other with our breath held
但你的温柔是我唯一沉溺 But the only reason for me to stay is your gentleness
你是爱我的就不怕有缝隙 If you truly love me, there wouldn't be any gap between us
在我心上用力的开一枪 Pull the trigger - hard - at my heart
让一切归零在这声巨响 All shall return to nought with the blast
如果爱是说什么都不能放 If love is meant to be held on regardless the reasons
我不挣扎反正我也没差 I will not struggle. In any case, I have never
人质在这一刻得到释放 The hostage is exonerated - at the pull of the trigger
相爱的纯粹落得如此下场 Such is the end of love - tragic
你满意吗我们都别说谎 Are you happy now? Let's kid ourselves not
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