Another big fight

He had a record of a recipient coded 'S. Pool' to whom he transferred more than $1600 to on 12 November 2008, his payday. He couldn't offer a satisfactory explanation as to who this 'S. Pool' is because obviously it stands for Singapore Pools. He said it 'could be some payment to somebody'. When I said I am going to divorce him after we get rid of this flat, he said he has never forgiven me for typing 'I love you' to Amjad. He said it's tantamount to committing adultery and infidelity.

It's so lame.

He said he has never said 'I love you' to another woman. Does that make him a fantastic husband then? Deep down in my heart, if he brings the bread home and stop asking me for money, I really won't mind that he goes around saying 'I love you' to the rest of the world's women. I probably won't even mind if he sleeps around but brings home the money. I don't know about other women, but to me, at this stage of my life and marriage, an unfaithful man who looks after the family is a more responsible man than William.

A friend said that the bible states that a man who doesn't bring home the money is worse than an unfaithful man, as quoted from her pastor. Although I'm not sure where she got that verse from, but it goes to show that a husband bringing home the money is indeed very important to a marriage.

I was chatting with a chatfriend the other day when he asked me to leave 'the ass'. He said that I need counselling, because I'm constantly disillusioning myself that William will change, and that it's my fault that he's like that.

I used to find it ludicrous and frustrating that a good friend and a sister's friend were living in denial. They had unfaithful husbands but were constantly giving them the benefit of doubt. Chatting online about my marital problems makes me find myself in a similar situation. I'm constantly giving William chances, when he's never going to change. Betting is his second life. The first thing he does when he gets his paycheck is to place bets or make payment to that 'someone' who has helped him place bets.

My elder sister said that she once saw him smsing someone to buy bets in $500 and $300 at one go and she threatened in jest to let me know. But she never did.

I can't help but feel that if I had a more supportive family, I wouldn't have married him in a haste.

I was constantly being chided for getting pregnant with Coco, for those 5 years that I was living with my sisters and parents. My parents and sisters never failed to remind me that she was a mistake, and that I had committed an unpardonable and unredeemable sin. For every mistake that my fifth sister made, they blamed it on my bad example. When my sisters felt disgruntled at their workplaces, they come home and pick up a fight with me and used Coco against me.

I just wanted to get out of that place asap. I didn't want Coco to be used as a weapon constantly. I didn't want Coco to witness battles, with her in the middle of the battleground as a pawn, on a constant basis.

And William was very nice to me. By 'nice', I mean he was very sensitive to my needs, very understanding, very loving and caring. How was I to know that this was a trap waiting for me to jump into?

There were a lot of push factors and some pull factors to get me in this marriage.

I thought that his being an old boy from Coco's current school was a 'sign' that he's the one. At that point of time, I was quite worried that Coco was going to some below-average neighbourhood school because there were only such schools around my parents' place. I knew that she didn't deserve to go to those kind of schools. I decided to place her first. I felt that I didn't have any right to pursue my so-called 'happiness' anymore since I'm a mother now. Honestly, I still feel that my needs and wants should and must take a backseat to Coco's, because I am a mother.

There's no grudge or grouse in this belief, because maternal instinct is innate. Her happiness is my happiness. Her success is my success.