The Greatest Evil

On Red Note (小红书）, under posts that ask the question: What, in your opinion, is the greatest kind of evil?

This phrase"人性最大的恶就是在自己最小的权力范围内最大限度地为难别人" would often be posted in the Comments section. AI translates it as:

The greatest evil of human nature is to make things difficult for others within the smallest scope of one's power.

Think of the condo security guard who threatens to call the police on you just because you follow the residents who open the gate into the compound .

Instead of using his power to grant convenience, such people use their power to belittle others to make themselves feel superior while they still can.

That was how I felt about my sister during the Spain trip. 

It gives me a shock I cannot get over, even after 3 months.

I cannot believe that this is the sister I thought I knew for 40 years. 

After William, I realised that I should believe people when they show me their true colours, their worst colours.

I did not believe that William was the selfish, hypocritical thief and gambler that he showed himself to be. I chose to believe his 'clarifications' and his blaming of me for his wrongdoings.

It took me 16 years to know that it was his fault all along. He was a thief all along. He was a gambler all along. He was abusive all along.

I was taught, since young, not to look at the 'small' things. I was chided for being a perfectionist whenever I looked at the small things. I was told that I was petty and narrow-minded to be so finicky. I was taught to accept others' faults and not point fingers at others. I was taught to accept inferior quality for what I paid. I was taught to speak in a lowly way to people I paid in case they would not deliver acceptable service or goods to me.

In short, I was taught since young that I do not deserve good things in life.

My upbringing suited William well.

Whenever I voiced out my doubts and objections about his mistreatment of me, he dismissed them and said that I was too perfectionistic and expected too much of him. 

Until a friend's pastor pointed out that what he had been doing was 'abuse'. It was something new to me. I was abused and I did not know, just because I did not get beaten up.

That pastor whom I don't know taught me that abuse may not take the form of physical bruises.

These few months, I feel very traumatised over the Spain trip. It was after the trip that I heard from my elder sister that my younger sister had asked her if she could take her place to go on the trip.

So she did not want to go in the first place, but she forced herself to go, which was why she was reluctant to pay her share.

I told her I hoped to have someone to help with the trip. I sent her the itinerary to let her take a look to make changes if necessary. Apparently, she didn't look except questioned me why I didn't schedule mealtimes into the itinerary. I asked her to insert the places she wanted to eat at in the itinerary. But she didn't do anything.

Then she got angry with me on the trip for not planning for meals.

At the last hotel, I got a rude shock when the reception lady told me that I had paid for two days of stay when I only needed to stay for one. I turned and looked at my sister because I thought she had helped me check. She just looked back at me and shrugged.

Because she was prepared not to pay, that's why she didn't bother to check.

When I proposed to stay at BNB (Bed and Breakfast) or apartments instead of hotels which were more expensive, she insisted that it had to be hotels for better service. 

Under normal circumstances, would someone have insisted on a more expensive accommodation if she knows that she is not paying? 

When I saw that she wasn't forthcoming in booking train tickets and hotels, I showed her her share of attraction tickets, train tickets and hotel stay that she should pay. After that, she became the awful person I never knew. However, whenever she talked to strangers, she was all smiles and polite. 

For two weeks, I had to tread on eggshells in case I offended her. I had to take great care that I must not say things that might make her angry, or switch on lights when she's asleep, or make noise when she's asleep, or ask her to throw a piece of paper, or take up space on the hotel floor that she might need, or go to the bathroom when she needed it ... She might not get angry with everything but I really did not know what might get her angry. I never felt so miserably careful on a trip my whole life. And it was an expensive trip. Oh how I regretted asking her to come on the trip!

I am so shocked that till now, I haven't communicated with her after we came back from the trip. Previously, I would text her about what happened on my job, or funny texts or things that happened almost every day.

I felt that she had shown me her true colours on the trip. William taught me that the worst behaviour of a person is how the person is truly like.

I want to protect myself from someone who abuses my kindness.

The Other Side of the Sister I Never Knew

Since young, I always imagined my youngest sister to be a generous and kind person. This trip changes everything I thought about her.

I never knew she was such a petty person who takes things personally. 

She asked me for the train ticket details. I specifically told her and my mother that it was Carriage 25. However, when she saw me getting into Carriage 25, she led my mother to the earlier carriage. Under normal circumstances, one would have followed her family member, or informed the family member that she had gone in the wrong carriage (if she thinks that family members had gotten into the wrong carriage. 

Instead, she silently took my mother to Carriage 23. They were going further and further from me so I shouted for them to come back. She explained that she thought it was Carriage 24. I told her,”But you were going to Carriage 23.” She insisted she didn’t but I knew she did because after getting up at Carriage 25, which was behind me, I found myself in Carriage 24 trying to catch up with them. And they were backfacing me and walking towards the Carriage before 24. 

When she came to her seat, she was upset that I said I saw her going to Carriage 23. She said,”Ya! You know everything!” I replied,”Ya, because I saw it happening.” 

Then out of the blue, she gave me a luggage lock and told me to go lock our luggage. The lock is hers. The idea of locking luggage together is hers. She has the number combi. Why would she ask me to go lock it? 

I told her I don’t know how to do it. She ignored what I said and left it with me. Of course. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and take it that she didn’t hear it. But you know people do things deliberately to find fault with you, right?

So after some time, she asked me if I had locked the luggage, just so that she could use “Wah lau eh” to ridicule me for being useless.

Well, I am not the one who went to ITE. I am not the one who gets upset about paying for my own trip. 

Throughout the trip, she keeps trying to turn my mother against me, complaining about the trip all the time, asking my mother if she was tired and if she needed breaks. Then return to tell me that my trip is too rushed and should have breaks. In short, she thinks we should spend at least half the day in the hotel to sleep.

Well, I really wouldn’t mind that if someone else is paying for my trip. But then again, I believe I am more appreciative of someone else’s effort, time and money than the average person. I wouldn’t take these for granted.

She also keeps saying “Mother and I do not want to do this.” “Mother and I feel (this way and that way)””Mother and I are not going to do this. If you want, you do it yourself.”

Are we not family? Why are you dividing our mother and me? Why is there a need to form an alliance and turn our mother against me?

When someone was in the toilet and couldn’t open the door, and my mother needed to use the toilet, she accused me of being a useless daughter.

I was the one who planned four full pages of itinerary and whose plan got dismissed as being brainless and inconsiderate.

The trip makes me see how ugly, selfish, rude, inconsiderate and insensitive she is. Nice and friendly to strangers but nasty to a sister who does not lose her temper. 

I hate to say this but we are able to gauge a person’s character and values by his educational level to a large extent. 

At the planning stage, she was avoiding work by deliberately leaving in advance when she knew I was looking for her to firm up plans or ask for her opinions. She refused to book anything when it was agreed that she would book first while I pay her back, since she doesn’t have an active income. 

Only someone who has planned an itinerary before would know how much thought and effort had gone into it.

The amount of nastiness and meanness that I have been receiving from her within these few days is enough for me to unfriend her on Facebook, together with her ITE friends. For the ingratitude that she’s so freely exhibited, I’ll probably stop teaching her son as well. 

I never thought it would come to this. I thought she was the only one who would not take advantage of my kindness. Looks like the Chinese proverb has its wisdom: 人善被人欺. No exception about it. Even your family do it. 

The Other Side of a Sister

I am in our Barcelona hotel right now with my youngest sister and mother.

You’d have thought that I am having a good time. Like all other holidays, something would mar the experience.

After two hurried and stressful tour group experiences, I didn’t want to take my mother on a tour group holiday again.

However, with my mother’s old age, I didn’t want to shoulder the responsibility of caring for my mother in a foreign land all alone so I asked my youngest sister to come with me, explaining how awful it would be to be targeted by pickpockets and crooks due to our aged-mother-and-lone-scrawny-Asian-woman status.

After some consideration, she agreed to do it. I asked if her husband would give her money to go on the tour. She didn’t say much but since she agreed, I thought everything would work out.

What I didn’t expect was that she was expecting me to pay for her share as well.

There were signs as we were preparing for the trip. I told her it would be better if she paid with her card so that I could pay her back in cash. She agreed. However, she would wait for me to book just about everything. 

Sign 2: She would not be involved in the planning. Whenever I asked her to plan with me, she would find excuses to leave or not turn up knowing I had set aside time to plan. She kept saying she’s ok with everything.

Today, I felt that I should be very clear about it. I showed her the tabulated sums of money that were her share to bear.

After that, things changed.

She would be unhappy over trivial things. 

Then towards the end of the day, she exploded, “Do you know you are very inconsiderate? I have to come for a trip that I have to fork out money for. I have to put up with your nonsense. Do you know how much I have been tolerating?”

Imagine how incredulous I felt. For this whole trip, the one planning and stressing out is me. After planning, you refuse to follow my plan and cancel what I have planned. Aren’t you the inconsiderate one? Shouldn’t I be the one who should feel indignant?”

I reminded her before the trip, I did ask her if her husband would be paying for her. She rolled her eyes. Then she said she wouldn’t mind spending two weeks in Spain but just going to Sagrada Familia!

I told her this is not Phuket or Bali where you just rest and relax. You have come so far and you say you just want to take things easy. I said, “Why didn’t you mention that when I discussed with you?”

She said she did tell me she wanted to start every day late, waking up at 10am or 11am and there’s no need to go to so many places

but I insisted that these things have to be done early and all those places have to be visited.

I said all these are points of interest. How can you go to a place without visiting its place of interest? Then you go there for what?

She continued to explode at me, accusing me of sleeping for at least 8 hours on the plane for the first leg - when the first leg was a 7-hour flight. I said I haven’t slept for 8 hours for a long time. I worked 15 hours a day. How do I get 8 hours of sleep?

She said,”Ha! Ha! Ha!” sarcastically and made contradictory statements, that I was disturbing her sleep by moving my arms constantly. 

Well, the one who sleeps for 10 hours every day is not me. 

Then she complained that I go to too many places. I said I wanted to hit 3 Casas (Casa Vicen, Casa Mila and Casa Balto), but since she wanted just one, we did one today. She started rambling over other places.

She said she wanted to return to the hotel to sleep from 2.30pm but I forced her to go out at 3.30pm. I said,” I was prepared that you didn’t want to go out. I even had my selfie stick with me.” She again gave a sarcastic smirk. 

She said she didn’t want to come, but I kept saying I was scared scared scared, that’s why she came. But she didn’t want to go to any of these places.

Of course I know she’s a housewife and doesn’t have an income. If I had a better person to ask, would I have resorted to asking her?

This is a side of my sister I had never known.

When she refused to plan for the itinerary, I told my third sister that I was worried that she would complain about the planning later. My third sister even assured me that she was a very relaxed person and would go with what I had planned. Now my third sister would say that even a relaxed person like my youngest sister couldn’t stand me. 

I am always at fault in the family. Always the faulty one. 

It’s only our first day of our 14-day trip. Imagine how awful the situation is.

I went to Casa Balto at 9.30pm when it started to turn dark to take some light-up pictures of the building. Really pretty.

Les Miserables in Singapore

The last time Les Miserables was in Singapore was 30 years ago. 

Musicals were not a big thing and I was too young and poor to afford a decent ticket for one. 

I bought a $90 ticket for Phantom of the Opera and the seat was so far that we were given a pair disposable binoculars each to watch the musical. It wasn’t a fantastic experience so after that, I didn’t bother to pay for tickets of big-name musicals. 

That said, I did go for local plays and inexpensive likes to fulfil that literary wants within.

It was late April when I found out that Les Miserables World Tour was going to end in May, I underwent a brief struggle before I decided that Coco should have a go at it. If not now, then when? I finally booked two tickets on 8 May, 8pm.

Seats were limited and prices were exorbitant. I paid $280 per ticket for it and the seats were 16 seats away from the stage. Fortunately, we didn’t have someone super tall sitting right in front of us and the seats were quite central. It was a good experience this time.

Les Miserables is a special musical for me. The memory of watching its cartoon, in Mandarin no less, sticks with me since a child. For some reason, I remember the Chinese version of the name Cosette very well. It inspired me to give Coco the name when I had her. I felt that Coco should have a chance to watch the musical, live, from which her name came from. 

A French friend had told me it’s not a good name to give but I thought it a lovely name. 

 

Everybody was taking pictures at the entrance and posters so we did as the Romans do.

Coco wowed and took a surround video at the theatre at the entry which was quickly stopped by a security crew.

Those mussel-like things were the theatre lights. They kept fascinating me throughout the performance. “When did this come down? When did that happen? When did they install the bridge?”

The orchestra was a level above the stage. I really like that as I often wondered how it looked like at the orchestra pit when the orchestra was below the stage.

Everybody was taking videos and pictures at the ending so I did likewise.

Coco refused to buy any souvenirs. She said the $50 t-shirt was a poor print. She could do a better job herself. I ended up buying a $25 mug.

Walking out of the Sands theatre at 11.15pm.

I had come half-prepared to be disappointed for the price-point I had paid. It’s not THE original Les Miserables musical after all. There are a few Asian faces in a musical with French setting, which I thought would not be authentic. 

My fifth sister who had watched it earlier said she couldn’t understand half the musical. Her husband who had watched it with her had his experience marred by the guy seated in front of him sporting a cockatoo hairstyle. I had also read reviews that seemed to try too hard to glorify it. 

After the musical, I was very glad to have come. The ‘Asian faces’ I had discriminated against had powerful and theatrical vocals that rendered their ethnicity obsolete. In fact, I couldn’t decide who was the best performer. Every time I think,”Wow, this guy/lady is good!”, the next performer sang better, if not equally well. There wasn’t an inferior performer.

When I asked Coco for her opinion, she felt that the best performer had to be the guy who cast as Valjean. 

Coco described the musical as ‘spectacular’. She had watched the movie version starring Anne Hathaway and she knew exactly where to watch at every scene but for the musical, she felt that there were so many things going on at the same time that she didn’t know where to look. She said she didn’t imagine that a musical could be so much fun. 

When asked if she would watch musicals in future, she said she would only watch them if she is rich. She felt that musicals are not for the average person. She even took note of a girl ‘who was easily ten years younger than’ her who was wearing a Chanel scarf, carrying a Hermes bag and wearing a pair of Van Cleef earrings.

Coco kept asking me why I had not given her the name Eponine instead. She felt that Cosette is a ‘flat’ or ‘2D’ character while Eponine is more interesting and is multi-faceted. 

I replied her frankly that I didn’t know about Eponine. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have given her the name. It doesn’t sound pretty and she’s the product of two money-minded and wicked hearted innkeepers. Now that I had watched the musical, all the more I wouldn’t have given the name to my child. She’s not loved by someone she loved. 

My idea of the character Cosette was that she was well-loved by everyone and I hoped that my baby would also enjoy the same kindness and love. 

Coco asked,”What’s so great about being loved by a fugitive, a prostitute and a rebel?”

That made me do a bit of reflection. To a certain extent, I also prostituted myself for my daughter. I remarried thinking it would give her a better life. While the character, Fantine, died, for many years, I died within, living like  zombie.

The discussion of the musical transported me back to my A level literature class, critiquing the performance and doing character analysis and that was only possible because the person I watched it with was Coco. She provided insights and perspectives about the musical and characters that I never thought about.

It was a worthy night. 

Fixing Replica Eames Chairs

I bought two separate Eames replicas recently.

To my surprise, they came unassembled. Well, I knew they were cheap but the listings didn’t state that I needed to assemble them myself. 

I decided to try anyway.

It looked daunting but I searched for a video on assembling an Eames chair:

https://share.google/ZuCvcXW1kVGY0ItdT

It took me 2 hours for the first chair (the blue one) as I had a lot of figuring out to do. The subsequent chairs were much easier.

My sister said she paid more than $100 for her assembled chair.

I guess $14 to $18 per chair is worth it.

But the cheaper chair is noticeably smaller and had a softer seat. It bends slightly when I lean back. 

This is what you call “you get what you pay for” and I have no problem with that.

A Schoolmate’s Demise

This morning when I woke up, I thought of a schoolmate during my pre-uni days. 

I searched on Facebook for her and found that she was not on the social media platform anymore.

I thought it strange so I tried googling for her.

An obituary came up on Death Kopitiam Singapore, a Facebook page putting out obituaries of Singaporeans who have passed away. At first, I thought it was a joke.

I read the comments and knew it was for real. She passed away in March last year.

“Oh my god” filled my mind. 

We were in the same school. Many people felt we looked similar although I didn’t think so. Our similarities were limited to us having long hair, being petite and had similar-sounding abbreviated names. 

I was in the Arts class while she was in Commerce. However, I was more inclined to hang out with her class as our frequency was closer, compared to my classmates who had superior English. 

She was a popular and outgoing girl. A guy who had a crush on me told me he met her at a pub with eight guys. He sounded very impressed with how popular she was among guys.

She had always been interested in modelling and being an actress. She spent $400 to have her modelling pictures taken professionally. Natural looking and nicely taken indeed. She was a contestant in a Channel 5 talent scout show whose name I can’t recall. She was on The Pyramid Game as a contestant as well. 

After A levels, she went to Australia for further studies.

The next time I saw her was on a Chinese evening paper, among interviewees who auditioned for some roles. The report made her qualifications sound impressive and the reporter thought she was Diane Ser’s lookalike. 

I thought it sounded promising. 

Eventually, she landed some calefare roles  on Channel 5 and 8.

Then her father passed away in the Nicoll Highway incident. She was filmed grieving at the site and throwing a bouquet of flowers into the site where her father was supposed to be on the national TV.

Some celebrities were filmed visiting her to give her emotional support.

I knew it was not easy but I thought she should do fine.

On and off, I would check out her Facebook and other social media platform/s that she was on, to see how the girl whom I was once associated with was getting on. 

Once, I found her taking selfies with exaggerated smiles with a male companion, presumably her husband, and sporting an unflattering short, permed hairdo which aged her.

Another time, she took selfies in a sparsely furnished flat. 

I was quite surprised that she would post those selfies as she used to be highly image-conscious. 

I still remember all her glamour shots. Even a simple home shot would constitute a nice hairdo and complete set of dress-up, down to stylish high-cut boots, and a confident pose. I didn’t know what to make of her strange selfies. 

Perhaps they were signals for help, but no one recognised them. 

I never contacted her as a guy friend had once told me that she didn’t think kindly about me. I didn’t want her to think that I was cozying up to her due to her celebrity status. 

Now I wonder if I could have made a difference if I had linked up with her.

I googled more about her and found more information about her on other platforms. She was also known as The Big Hair Lady.

I never knew she had gone viral with that ridiculous wig. It never came up on any of my social media accounts. 

Someone had asked her what’s with the hair and she said it was an artistic expression. There were videos clips and images of her strolling in a mall and taking MRT rides in that wig.

Comments speculated that she had been depressed due to her father’s passing. It’s been more than 20 years but the loss of your loved ones can never be healed by time.

Her belated news of passing makes me wonder if most of us are carrying great, untold pain while continuing to live. I always thought it’s only me who is living with so much pain within, trying to live as normally as I could. 

20 years of pain she carried with her, and no one knew until she too passed. 

Did she feel utterly alone in the world? Did she have someone to talk to? 

I am only left with questions without answers.

Prettying Up My Flower Rack

After my first attempt at keeping a flowering plant alive - an orchid that I bought from an NTUC - failed, I left my Taobao-bought flower rack unattended for a long time.

Someone enlightened me that flowering plants are hard to maintain (“Phew! So it’s not me!”) so I bought a leafy potted plant to try and keep alive.

To my pleasant surprise, it really didn’t die within 3 weeks. However, I like colours and didn’t feel motivated to get more leafy plants after that one miserable plant.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at Jewel when I came across an NTUC which sold plants better looking than the average NTUC.  so I bought a few pretty plants, which included a tiny pot of fern, a red-leaf plant and a plant with multi shades of green. 

A few days ago, I saw a plant with tiny purple flowers at Cheers. It was $3.90. I decided to get it even if it’s for a few days. Subsequently, I bought another small pot of pink flowers at NTUC. 

When I opened the door to go out, it felt uplifting to see pretty plants and flowers greeting you. 

Perhaps there’s some truth in the lyrics of Edelweiss,

“Edelweiss, Edelweiss 

Every morning you greet me”

Today I was at Bishan and found my way to the stretch of nurseries at Thomson Road.

I bought a pot of pink flowers at Far East Flora and towards the closing time at 7.10pm, I discovered this nursery Candy Florist which sold hydrangeas! My mother loved them and I found a pot that was light enough for me to carry home. It was $26 but I thought it was really pretty and worth it.

I have also ordered watering cans from Taobao which will arrive next week.

Can’t wait to use them on my pretty flowers!

Paradigm Shift

I went to Crimsonlogic at the State Court for the second time to get a Certified True Copy of a court document a few mornings ago.

After queueing for 45 minutes, the grumpy-looking staff who told me to come queue at 8am the last time, cut the queue off and said they were not entertaining walk-in cases anymore. 

I was extremely annoyed because it was my second time travelling for an hour there just to be told to go back without anything done. And I didn’t like the staff as the last time I was there, she told me off for taking a queue number, not knowing that they don’t entertain walk-ins unless you go there at 8am.

A lady who queued at the front of the queue raised her voice,”You told me to come back every day and now you tell me to go back!”

The staff replied,”3 staff are on MC today.”

The lady retorted,”That’s not our problem, right? I need to get this submitted by 25th and you told me to come back every day!”

A female police officer stepped in as the atmosphere became tensed.

Then another lady approached the staff and spoke to her about something before saying “my life is in danger”.

The staff softened her tone and asked if she’s there for CTC (certified true copies).

However, the lady was trying to explain her situation, to which the staff rolled her eyes and gave a “haiz” expression. The police officer quickly intervened and asked the lady to stop talking and instead, listen to what the staff had to say.

The staff explained that if the lady kept telling her her problem, she would not be able to help others. She pointed to the queue and said,”Everybody has problems.”

After she settled that lady, she continued to check with the rest of us what we wanted to do. I told her I had lost a document and enquired if what I wanted to to was to get a CTC. She wrote down my name and asked me to proceed to the office, to which I was greatly relieved. 

I experienced a paradigm shift at that moment.

It’s not my first time dealing with legal bureaus. At first, I was angry with the grumpy staff for making my life difficult. When I saw how people were upset with her and arguing with her, I suddenly felt sorry for her.

She was not in an enviable position. Her job deals with disgruntled people who are frustrated with the law. Almost nobody would smile at her. I suppose it’s understandable why she always looks grumpy. 

As I was relating to my youngest sister about the account, I also realised we have become so unfeeling towards someone who cried out,”My life is in danger.”

The lady was hoping to get some sympathetic words and assistance from the staff, to which she was met with a cold “everybody has problems”.

I recalled a case in which a divorcee who was asking for help from her abusive ex-husband but received none except a useless PPO (personal protection order).

She was mercilessly stabbed to death despite her multiple pleas for help.

 “Everybody has problems”. Do we look around and see that others have bigger problems than ours?

Suddenly, my problem doesn’t look that big anymore.

How Emotional Abuse Looks Like

Today was our Singapore reunion dinner.

Since young, our reunion dinner was one with our Malaysian family and relatives. My father would drive us back on the day of reunion dinner itself. Our loved ones in Malaysia would wait for us, even as late as past 8pm one year, before they started the dinner. 

The Singapore one first started when my mother wanted a reunion dinner of our own, when we were unable to return to Malaysia for our usual reunion dinner.

Since then, we would have one of our own before going back to Malaysia. After my father passed, my siblings are not keen on having reunion dinner with our Malaysian family, I am not sure why. They would go back on the first day of Chinese New Year (CNY) for a visit and come out to Singapore again on the second day of CNY. As someone without a car of my own, I did not have a choice but to follow what they did. But deep within me, I felt uneasy about giving up the tradition that my father had set.

Last year, I told them that I would join my Malaysian family for the reunion dinner instead. My 4th sister drove out from Malaysia to pick me up so that I could have that pleasure.

This year, surprisingly, almost all of them would like to have the reunion dinner with our Malaysian family so we had the Singapore one early today.

I asked Baby to join us. I even told her the Court Order states that she lives with me from Thursday to Sunday so she gets to have dinner on Saturday with me.

As expected, she cooked up some lame excuses not to come.

She told her cousin that she was sure that we would be speaking badly about her father and she didn't want to hear it.

I took a video of us busy eating and told her nobody could bother speaking about her father.

Clearly, William has been speaking badly about me and my family. It's a reflection. The fact that Baby refuses to come live with me is a clear testimony of how much he has been speaking badly about me.

Baby doesn't know she's being manipulated. 

Baby doesn't know she's being emotionally abused.

She thinks she voluntarily distances herself from everybody else.

She said that she doesn't like to go out anyway. She's alienating herself, under the influence of the NPD.

This is how abuse looks like.

I have stepped away from it. So I can see it.

When you are abused, you don't know you are abused.

If someone hadn't pointed it out to me and told me that I was abused, I wouldn't have known either. And I am an adult with lots of life experiences.

We can recognise abuse when it's physical abuse.

But few can recognise emotional abuse. 

The damage done by emotional abuse is often far greater and farther reaching than physical abuse.

Each time I named my child, it was often a reflection of my state of mind, which was invariably linked to my marriage.

Coco's name means:

a beautiful smile

I was very uncertain, fearful and unhappy. I wished my child to always be happy and to face life's hardships with strength and a smile.

For Baby, I told her her name means:

宁为玉碎，不为瓦全

not to put up with misery and wrongful acts like how her mother did, but to be strong and principled.

It took me 16 years to walk out. It was arduous, very misunderstood, exhausting, but I did it anyway. 

I hope one day, the truth will set Baby free.

Let’s Talk About Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

For a long time, 16 years to be exact, I was living in a state of confusion.

I didn't know that there is such a thing as NPD.

I didn't understand why William would become a perfect stranger the second day of our marriage.

I made a lot of excuses for him:

It's the first time he got married (It was also my first time experiencing a married life too).

He had never been a father (He had spent two years getting along with Coco).

He was stressed (by being … married?).

William was wonderful, considerate, thoughtful and sensitive before marriage. He spent almost every day with me, talking a lot with me, trying to get to know my every thought, my life stories.

I thought he was my soulmate.

He would say that he knew me better than I knew myself. And I agreed.

There were a few times I felt something was not right.

He would sit in the middle of a foodcourt in Scotts Shopping Mall when he got angry.

Everybody stared at him and he would not care.

He would carry Coco away when we had an argument and scared her.

He would tell me that a man sitting beside me was looking at my exposed bosom when I was playing with Coco - after everything was over.

Every time, I felt something was off and wanted to break off with him.

He would appear below my flat at 6am and waited for me to beg me not to end our relationship.

He would shout my name out from the opposite block at 12am when he could see me through the windows.

He would beg me and give reasons for his unusual behaviour. 

He would say that it was because he really loved me and didn't want to lose me. It was because we were not married and didn't have our own space.

He said all these would not have happened if we were married.

Thinking back, I got to a point where I felt that I was so torn within that I knew I would get back with him in the end anyway.

But after the wedding, he seemed a different person from before marriage.

He was cold and didn't speak a word for the whole of next day after the wedding.

I thought he was tired.

Then within a week, we were fighting every day, shouting and screaming every day.

I hid in the room with Coco, with him banging the door and shouting for us to get out of the room.

I didn't know how to divorce him within a week.

We had a church wedding.

He was a wonderful man despite all the weird behaviour. 

He wanted to marry me. He must love me.

I was very very confused. I was in constant state of confusion for a long time.

He gaslit me, cast doubts on the things I remembered, belittled me and everything associated with me. He justified all his wrongdoings and put the blame on me for him acting ‘out of sorts’. It was my fault all the time. 

I had thoughts of divorce every day.

But he hadn't hit me. We just got married. It was my second marriage. How would others perceive me? 

It got to a point where I felt that life was hopeless. I told myself I had to change my values to align with his, even if they were not right, in order to spend the rest of my life with him.

It was after I filed for a divorce that I learnt about NPD.

Then everything became clear as day.

An NPD lies about everything, even trivial things that don't seem to matter.

An NPD gaslights people who trust him wholeheartedly.

An NPD emotionally abuses people who trust him.

An NPD is superb at putting up an act.

An NPD is the devil himself in human disguise. He steals, kills and destroys relationships and lives.

An NPD needs to spoil people's day in order to feel important. He told my mother he was broke and asked my mother for money on the first day of CNY. My mother was in shock. She asked me if he’s mentally unsound.

An NPD could not laugh to his heart's content. I had never once seen him laughing uncontrollably. His laughter, if ever, was always controlled.

An NPD alienates people they want to control from their loved ones. That’s why William always  alienates people he wants to control. It was me. Now it’s Baby.

An NPD sees money as the most important thing. He stole Baby’s baby shower gift, a gold bangle from my elder sister, Coco’s gold ring, my wedding jewellery, and stole the girls’ ang pow money and my money habitually. Of course. He blamed me for his stealing acts.

It got to a point where I was brainwashed into believing that it’s normal that - and I should expect, money and valuables should disappear from where they were kept. 

An NPD does not and cannot love their own children. 

An NPD only thinks about relationships and people in terms of how useful they are.

An NPD exaggerates and lies about who they know.

An NPD appears normal and looks like a good man to people who do not know him. That’s why people around me question if I had been perfectionistic and difficult, which William would always reinforce and reiterate.

I realised that very few people know what NPD is.

When I talk about it, they are always in disbelief that such people exist. When I give them examples of what William would do, they told me how they would react - in the same way as I did, simply because that’s how normal human beings are. 

But NPDs are of the devil. They attack normal human qualities. They exploit kindness, honesty, understanding, compassion and everything that’s beautiful. 

Because the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.

Google ‘NPD traits’ and you will find more about what they are like and do. 

Not everyone who has some NPD traits is an NPD. My elder sister has a lot of NPD traits but I know that she is able to develop love for a few people so she’s not a full-fledged NPD.

But William is a full-fledged NPD because every single trait fits him to a tee. 

I hope more people are aware of NPD and can recognise NPDs if they are in close contact with one. You need to flee from them. 

My Divorce Story

 It has been 4 years since I signed the divorce papers.

If you have never been divorced, you would believe what 100% of the undivorced believe - that women get 50% of men's money.

If you are a woman, you would get a shock of your life if you ever enquire about divorce.

Women's Charter? I assure you. None of the lawyers, ZERO, ZILCH - would mention it.

Because it has nothing to do with divorce or women's rights.

Oh, it states that men are equally entitled to what women do - that if they are handicapped or disabled, they are entitled to alimony from their ex-wife.

4 years ago when I started my journey of divorce, a lawyer told me that alimony for women had been abolished about 4 years before. That makes it about 8 years now.

The rationale for abolishing alimony was so that there would be a clean break, which is a joke.

Before I could apply for a divorce, I was directed to attend a class which I can't recall the name of now. Oh, that was a class mandatory for women under the Women's Charter. Yup, that was the only time Women's Charter came up throughout the whole divorce.

It was conducted at a family service centre in Ang Mo Kio. A few other women were at the talk. We were shown Powerpoint slides about the consideration we had to take into if we wanted a divorce, especially about the financial aspect. I felt strongly that it was a propaganda aiming at discouraging or scaring women from getting a divorce.

I still remember speaking to a staff about my uncertainty about whether I really should divorce. She said something that bothered me for a long time.

I told her that my husband spoke ill about me to my kids.

She asked me to think about whether that was what my kids saw, if it was true.

I was quite disturbed. It deepened my self-doubt and self-blame.

But I knew I wanted a divorce anyway.

William had agreed to a divorce. Of course. All these years, he vehemently disagreed whenever I brought the subject up. He would cry, threaten to kill himself, beg me to stay for the sake of our young child.

Towards the end of our marriage, he finally agreed. He deceived me into thinking that it could be an amicable divorce though.

Before I went to look for a lawyer, he cried and said he would always be good to me. He would offer his help even if we were divorced. He would tell his next girlfriend that his ex-wife would always be his priority in his life.

Sounds great, right?

HA. HA. HA.

The divorce only showed how much of a liar he was, how devoid of integrity, how despicable, how greedy he was.

If you want to know the real character of a man, it's at the time of divorce.

I listed Unreasonable Behaviour as the ground for the divorce.

Of course. I had pages of his unreasonable behaviours.

His lawyer cancelled almost everything and left some not-so-ugly behaviour behind as the supporting reason and said that they would agree to the divorce for that reason.

My lawyer said usually people don't care about the reason as long as they get the divorce. So I agreed to it.

I managed to read a document on which he had drafted his ground for wanting to divorce me. He was trying to beat me to applying for a divorce in order to be the Plaintiff.

He accused me of telling my kids that it was perfectly normal to have affairs in a marriage, which of course was not true.

I still remember what I told them: If a marriage does not make you happy, you have the right to pursue your own happiness. You don't have to be trapped by the marriage.

You see how he twisted that to make me look like a horrible mother?

It took us 4 mediation sessions before all the terms were negotiated.

Throughout the mediation, it was clear he wanted my money.

I was the one who paid for the housing instalments for the past 10 years, all the renovations and the furniture. Yet he kept insisting that he had immense indirect contribution to the house so he deserved 40% of the house.

He insisted that he had been caring for Baby in real time - when Baby was already 13 years old.

In the end, we agreed to have shared care and control of Baby, each spending half of the week with her with public holidays spent alternately with her. 

4 years have passed but Baby has not come and lived with me a single day.

He went to adopt many pets from other pet owners who didn't want their pets anymore and told Baby that she had to take care of them. Naturally, she told me she could not leave them. Otherwise, 'they would die!'

Then, she had to attend church on Saturdays for the whole day so she wouldn't be able to stay with me.

She was also forever busy with her schoolwork so despite the fact that my place was nearer to her school, she couldn't afford to come live with me.

Back in early January, I told Baby that this year was her turn to return to Malaysia with me for Chinese New Year. However, her passport had expired so she needed to get it renewed.

She spent an hour taking a picture for her passport photo.

A few days ago, she suddenly 'remembered' that she had to study over CNY and would not be able to go with me anymore.

We all know who 'reminded' her, don't we?

Suddenly, Baby told me she knew I am supposed to pay child support as I am also a parent.

I asked her,"Is that in the Court Order?" She kept quiet.

The Court Document clearly states that whoever lives with her pays for her living expenses. William wants me to pay when he defies the Court Order and prevents her from living with me.

I wished Baby would know that every word that spews out of his mouth is a lie.

All this while, I didn't enforce the Court Order on the living arrangement as I thought that perhaps she should learn to be a selfish person like William.

She should learn to be despicable and cunning like William.

So that she would not get bullied - like her mother.

My only worry is that it would be a road of no return. She would become what he is. An NPD.

My Cash Advance Mistake with Standard Chartered

I did something stupid in December last year.

When I returned from Finland, I knew I had chalked up a credit card bill.

I had been cancelling credit cards one by one as I really seldom use them and I don't want to be charged (and paying) annual fees without knowing it.

Before I went overseas, I found a Standard Chartered credit card sitting in my drawer.

I had signed up for it as the salesguy told me that it would give me 1.5% cashback on whatever I spent on, subject to a limit of a certain amount of cashback per month. Two years' worth of annual fees would be waived. Even if I was charged later on, I could always call up to get them waived.

I was not an active user of it so I decided to try it out overseas.

I used it to buy a few LV bags so I knew I had chalked up close to $10k on it.

When I returned to Singapore, I checked my credit card bill the next day and the date stated on the screen was that very day. I knew usually that wasn't possible but I didn't want to delay my payment so I pressed a few buttons and tried paying for it.

I was used to seeing the online bank having our savings account as the default 'Pay from' account so I did not think much of it when it had an additional page popping up, asking me to confirm or acknowledge. I just tapped 'yes' and the payment went through.

Then I saw that the sum of money in my savings account was not paid out. Instead another $9K+ came in!

I panicked. I had done a cash advance on my credit card instead!

I asked for help on the app immediately asking if I could reverse the transaction. The reply was that it could not be reversed before the transaction went through.

I waited till the next day when it went through before I reversed the payment. However, I also realised that I was charged $780 fee for the cash advance!

I made two calls to the CSOs who 'assured' me that the fee could not be cancelled but they would help to appeal for the waiver anyway.

True enough. I received two smses stating that the appeals were not successful.

Like many times I had been cheated of my money, I was close to giving up. But I had such confidence in the Singapore banks system that I decided to seek out all possible avenues before giving up.

I looked up similar cases like mine and found someone on Reddit who did the same thing and felt the same way as I did, that it was a trap waiting for us to walk in. The user said that he didn't manage to get a waiver but the amount was small ie. $100+ so it was not that big a deal.

I was so desperate I wrote in to the bank via the bank app. A day later, I wrote in to FIDReC, MAS and the Minister of Finance who is also our Prime Minister to complain about the misleading bank app interface which led to my mistake. I also raised doubts about integrity of the system and appealed for the money to be returned to me.

Then I received a call from the Complaint Unit of the bank who largely assured me that I should get a waiver as it was a mistake and I had only one waiver done a year ago (which I don't remember at all).

Subsequently, I received an sms which was backdated to the time two hours before the guy called me to say that my appeal was unsuccessful again!

Then someone pmed me on a social media platform that as a bank manager, he had helped a few clients waived such fees before and advised me to go down to a branch personally to speak to a branch manager.

I rushed down to the nearest branch to me which was at NEX. The service manager at the reception counter checked for me and found that my appeal was still in progress. She said that she was unable to raise another appeal until this had gone through but promised to send an email to check on the status.

That afternoon, I received an email stating that my appeal was successful. 

All these ding-dongs happened within a week. Imagine the turmoil I went through over this sum of money.

When the refund was completed, I immediately called in to cancel all my SC accounts. I had posted my experience on a social media platform and it received 70k views within one or two days (I just checked and it's 140k views now). Many people commented and shared their awful experiences with SC. It was getting discouraging as almost everybody said that they didn't get a waiver for whatever fee they had with SC. 

I don't want to take any chance with SC again.

A Cousin's Death

A cousin of mine who was a little older than me passed away today.

It came sudden.

His elder sister had sent him to the hospital yesterday. She thought that it was not serious and had left him in the hospital alone.

The doctor called to inform her that he was too weak to have a CT scan done and they suspected that he had stage-four large intestine cancer as his stomach was bloated.

Today, the doctor called to inform her that he had passed away.

In other words, nobody, including himself, knew he had cancer.

I googled and found that at stage four, a patient's stool would have blood in it and he would lose a lot of weight.

It's sad that he missed all the clues. 

A good friend only discovered she had stage-4B cancer when she found herself bleeding excessively.

Her doctor's prognosis was that she had six months to live but with chemotherapy, she lived on for another 2.5 years.

After my good friend passed away, I often wonder if cancer is lurking in my body. 

(Yes, I know an annual body check-up would be useful in helping to confirm or dispel that thought.)

Einstein rejected an operation to prolong his life as he believed that's Nature's way of calling him home.

I hope I have the courage to say the same thing if it happens to me.

But more often, I wonder why the person who passes isn't me and I wonder when my time will come.

I was sharing with a friend that I feel that I have lived a few lifetimes, more than an average person. I think I am quite done with life. She was stunned for two seconds before laughing out loud. She said, "Indeed. You have gone through many milestones that I have not (and never will)."

I am not sure if it's just me, but after a certain age, I feel that life is not that worth living anymore. I do not know what's there to look forward to - everybody's death? 

Amy Cheung wrote in her book that life is a never-ending journey of saying goodbyes.

People around me start to die in their 40s. It's hard not to wonder when my turn will be.

It also gives me a sense of urgency. My family members and relatives are passing away without knowing God. What frustrates me is that I don't get to see them easily as they live in Malaysia. I can only wait for Chinese New Year to visit them for those brief fleeting minutes. On top of these hurdles, I also need a lot of courage to talk to them about the gospel since we are not close by any measure. The irony is that I am not much of a Christian. I hardly attend church even. I have brought my mother to a traditional presbyterian church but honestly, it bores me to tears. I honestly miss the funky atmosphere and catchy songs of the charismatic churches. I just can't grasp the hymns. Worse, they are in Chinese.

I love Chinese as a language. I even blog in Chinese and prefer Chinese pop songs and ballads, but hymns are really a different story altogether. I was suddenly in the shoes of people whose Chinese is no good. I have to process the word by thinking how to read it and then sing it, a lot quicker than those inept in Chinese no doubt, but I knew it's not me. Chinese should come natural to me, but not in church. I know it's strange but it's what it is.

With all these factors in place, I find myself not enjoying church. I am not sure if I will ever find a church that I can stay at. But I know I have a mission: to share about Christ with my family and relatives.

This year, two cousins and an uncle passed away. Whether they know God, I do not know. I hope to make it certain that they do.

God, help me to share You with my loved ones.

What Kept Me Warm in Norway, Sweden and Finland

Before we set off for the trip, our tour manager texted us that we ought to be prepared for -20 degree celsius but the temperature in Norway and Finland was mainly above zero degree celsius. Only the first day in Santa Claus Village in Rovaniemi did the temperature plunge to -11 degree celsius, but even then, the cold was manageable. I was wearing a pair of thick stockings and a pair of furry leg coverings not even meant to insulate.

Some things I think are useful:

1) Thermal wear from the Ultra Warm series of Universal Traveller (RM338) and Uniqlo (S$39.90)

Uniqlo thermal wear received lacklustre reviews on different platforms. My third sister who had been to Antartica said that she shivered in Uniqlo's thermal wear, although it was not known which series she wore.

She insisted that we should get at least a set of Universal Traveller's thermal wear and drove us to JB Premium Outlet to get them.

It cost RM338 per set which included a top and a pair of pants.

My third sister advised us to get the size that fit quite snugly or body-hugging so that heat can be trapped.

Uniqlo's thermal top and bottom are sold separately. Can't remember the cost of the top but the pants cost S$39.90 or RM129.90. Prices should not differ too much from each other.

At first, I only wore the Universal Traveller's set as it was verified by my sister as being 'good'. It was also thinner and softer than Uniqlo's.

When I put on Uniqlo's set, I realised its ability to keep me warm wasn't inferior to Universal Traveller's. 

2) Thermal singlet (桑蚕丝保暖背心）- 52RMB or S$9.50 for 2

I found most of my winter wear on Tao Bao. This kept me warm and it came with bra cups, which means I didn't have to wear a bra separately.

It has a very fine layer of material on the inner side so it feels fitting and comfortable. It was advertised as mulberry silk singlet which is meant to trap heat.

3) White furry earmuffs (毛绒耳罩) - 28RMB or S$5.71

I probably bought close to a dozen earmuffs but I used this most of the time as it can be easily matched with hats of any colour. It can also be worn on its own, hatless.

I find that those with furry headbands cling to the head or the hat better than those that are not furry. Without the fur which create friction, the earmuffs could slip off the head or hat.

The furry earmuffs also look better in pictures.

4) Thick leggings (光腿神器 ) -74.9RMB or S$13.75

 

I NEEDED to wear a skirt. It was driving me crazy wearing pants EVERY DAY. It wasn't exactly comfortable as I bought the stockings which covered the toes. It was pulling in and squeezing my toes while I wore it. It also scratched quite easily. I made two holes when I was putting it on. Nevertheless, this helped to protect my legs from the cold at -11 degree celsius, at Santa Claus Village, but not without another pair of leg protectors which brings me to ...

5) Leg warmers (长毛腿套）- 22.9RMB or S$5.14

It offered a second layer of protection on top of my thick leggings although it felt thin.

A tour groupmate came up to me to compliment that they looked pretty.

6) Snow boots 雪地靴 

199RMB or S$37

198RMB or S$38.78

We were advised to shop at Timberland for S$200 boots but they were too stiff and uncomfortable for us. 

I decided to take a chance on Tao Bao and I bought two pairs for each of us just in case one of them didn't work.

My elder sister didn't believe Tao Bao cheapo stuff would be any good so she bought another pair of high-cut boots for my mother at Decathlon.

It turned out that my mother's boots were slippery on ice and snow while mine gripped well. I didn't even need the crampons most of the time but my mother had to put them on whenever she was out of the hotels.

These boots were comfortable and kept my feet warm. And they were so cheap!

I ended up preferring the white ones as they were lighter, more fitting and more comfortable to wear.

7) Crampons or spikes (冰爪）- 12.8RMB or S$2.38

These worked very well. My only gripe was they were very tight and hard to put on. I guess it's not a problem if you are a guy but I had a hard time pulling them each time I put them on. My index finger's nail came off when I was exerting my strength pulling it and it chipped at the part where my skin was attached. It bled quite a bit. I gave up wearing them after that due to my injury. 

Fortunately, my boots had enough traction to grip the surface of icy grounds.

I bought a tonne of clothes, hats, scarves and gloves on Tao Bao, simply because they were so cheap. I must have ended up spending more than I had budgeted for.

I was quite skeptical like most people though. I was worried that the outfits I bought would not keep me warm since they were so cheap. It turned out that Tao Bao was cheap and good.

On hindsight, I should have got my down jackets on Tao Bao too. I bought two down jackets - one from Winter Time (S$350) and the other from Universal Traveller (S$269) for each of us. They already cost me more than $1000. My elder sister went out and bought my mother another parka jacket for another S$300+. My mother ended up wearing it most of the time *roll eyes*