To a non-gambler

They say that marriage is a gamble. Poor gamblers lose in this game.

I wanted to agree with it, but then again, what in life isn't?

Even childbirth is a gamble. People die from it. I almost lost my life about 9 years ago due to excessive bleeding.

Academically wise, it's also a gamble, just that it's low-risk. If you study hard, and try to spot the right questions and study for them, it's just a matter of getting good and average results.

Child-raising isn't a gamble though. If you invest time and effort into it, you'll reap a harvest in time to come.

But marriage is high-risk. He put on a show for me for a year plus and I was duped $17k, with yeast infections, tons of housework and a baby thrown in.

I didn't even know what time he came home last night, or rather, this morning. I went to bed at 1.40 am and he still wasn't in sight. I called him a dozen times and it wasn't picked up. Doesn't that sound like he was bedding someone else? That sets me pondering over the marriage vow. Pastor Jimmy said that he isn't faithful to his vow. How true is that! He vowed to cherish and protect me, in sickness and in health. But during my confinement, he was resentful that I couldn't, or in his opinion, I refused, to do housework or touch water. He is even incapable of taking care of me at my weakest in my healthy state. What hope can I harbour if I ever fall ill and cannot work again? He'll probably let me starve to death if I'm bedridden.

He said that he wants to divorce me next month after getting his pay. I told my sisters and close friends. One said,"Congrat!" Another one said,"Great!" The other two said,"Let him do it. You just leave him."

Has he ever wondered what makes others say all these instead of trying to stop us from divorcing? Has he ever wondered why the whole world asked me to abort the baby the moment they heard about it?

No. It's 'their fault'. "How can anyone ever suggest an abortion?!!"

Dear sir, they suggested it for my interest. They forsee that you'll dump the baby to me. And they are right. He's progressively dumping the baby to me now. He wanted me to stop pumping milk just so that he doesn't need to wash up the pump. He refused to buy lemons to do a weekly (no, it's been at least 2 months since it was last lemon-washed) clean-up of the steriliser. As a result, the steriliser has some stubborn brown stains on the heating plate. So the milk bottles, teats and pump accessories are constantly sterilised in a dirty steriliser. Now he doesn't even wash up the milk bottles. After feeding the baby, he just leaves them there to wait for me to wash it up. He doesn't even think there's a need to brush the bottle interiors, and my hands are still numbed from pumping the milk, touching the water makes them worse, so the bottles have old milk stains in them.

Despite having a weak constitution and pumping sessions leave my hands and feet numbed, and my kneecaps cold and painful, I still want to express the milk for the baby. I tell myself that it's only up till she's 6 months, and it's only a few more weeks to go. She vomits formula milk out, and formula milk gives her hard stools. My heart aches whenever I see her pushing her stools out. And I want her to receive antibodies from me. It's not about being noble. It's just natural that a mother wants the best for her baby. It's maternal instinct. On a selfish note, it's also because I don't want to feel guilty that I'm not giving her breastmilk. It torments me.

An accident

Coco just called to say that her left thumb has been cut by a rusty scissors. I thought she'd want me to go down to her school to pick her up as usual, but she said she's calling just to let me know. The wound's been treated by the school. They are probably worried that it might developed into tetanus.

Poor Coco! I haven't got time for her since Baby has arrived. I missed her Chinese Topical Test yesterday although it was recorded in her school diary. I'm such a lousy mother.

Resolved

After making several calls over a few days to different departments and a 'faulty token', as advised by the helpdesk, I'm asked to submit a hard copy of the document for AD. So that means I only need to make one trip down. Hallelujah ... perhaps I should pop a champagn to celebrate ...

Inefficient intranet

Sigh, my company called me again to ask me to return to my workplace to do the Annual Declaration. To be exact, I have to make the trip twice ie. one to get the password and another to do the AD online via the intranet. And I'm going back to work next Friday, for goodness' sake!

I really hate the intranet thing! It inconveniences us and doesn't make a lot of sense. It's supposed to protect the whole company from being hacked into or system disrupted, but in exchange for that protection, we've to be tied to our company-given malfunctioned laptops 24/7 to do some simple online tasks. It's totally inefficient and ineffective.

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

I think it's stress. Quite a few things on my mind. I think about divorce issues, about whether and when I should, or can, do a Masters. I'm really quite keen to do it. It's my dream to go teach at NIE eventually, provided they don't think I'm too old for them.

Baby hit her 4th month last Sunday. We took her to shave her head at the nearby shopping centre. She looks so cute. Coco and I call her 'boh tak'.

She's wearing size L for her diapers and is comfortable in her 20-month-old cousin's t-shirt. She's outgrown all her 'newborn to 3 months' baby shirts!

Bouncer

William got this for the baby:

She looked like she really enjoyed it when we put her in. She loves hitting at the orange rattler which gives off a chime when hit.

And now I know why it's called a 'bouncer'. It really bounces lightly when pressure is applied on the top edge. Baby enjoys it immensely. She gets really quiet when I 'bounce' it. And there's this cute vibration mode where the bouncer vibrates lightly to calm the baby.

Love this purchase!

Oh, it comes with a cute name 'Flutterbye Dreams Flutter & Chime' Bouncer.

Going back to work dream

I had a dream about going back to work this morning.

I dreamt that I waited for a bus at Tampines where my alma mater is, and in the dream, I lived in one of the flats there.

Many buses came and went.

All of a sudden, I realised I didn't know where my company was located!

Then my bus came. It didn't stop. I ran after it. Just before I boarded the bus, I realised I didn't have my shoes on!

I decided not to go to work barefooted and would call in sick for the day.

Then I woke up and was glad that it wasn't real.

I wonder if the dream is a hint at my reluctance to return to work.