Totally dead

I haven't been blogging because I wanted to make up my mind about the marriage before I blog again.

I don't want to grumble and grumble without doing anything about the situation. I like to grumble for a while, but not all my life. I would despise myself for doing just that.

I went to a lawyer and he explained to me what 'Custody' and 'Care and Control' are about.

We always thought that 'custody' equates 'care and control', but they are two different matters actually.

'Custody' refers to the right to make major decisions ie. education, religion etc for the child. The lawyer gave a scenario: if the husband is the one who has the sole custody of the child, one day if the child meets with an accident and needs blood transfusion and the husband refuses to let it go through, the wife can't say anything about the mindless decision.

But generally, the court would propose joint custody as studies have shown that children under joint custody and get to see both parents on a regular basis grow up to be more 'balanced'.

'Care and control' refers to the daily care of the child.

So they mean two different things.

I told him that we'll get joint custody, and I want the care and control of the child, as I decided that if I don't get care and control of the child, I won't get any child's maintenance for the baby, and he won't save up for the baby. And I really don't have extra money for another kid, after the previous bastard dumped the baby on me.

A lot of dramas ensued.

He came to my parents' place and tried to take the baby. I called the police twice. Things got ugly. And the baby was scratched on her hand during one of the struggles. He was emotionally unstable while holding the baby. He screamed and jumped while holding her. And we snatched the baby back.

After a lot of smses, he promised me, yet again, that he'll repay his debts and hand all his money over to me so that I can apportion his pocket money, debt money and bill money for him.

Of course, the promises never materialise when I go back to him.

His grandfather called me today.

He said that William has not picked up his call ever since he loaned him $30k one year ago. He's very angry with him that he's so heartless towards someone who'd cared for and loved him for so many years.

William complained to him that he's been cheated by the contractor. The grandfather told him,"You're worse than the person who cheated you! Because you cheat even your own family."

William complained to him that my father punched him. The grandfather told him,"You deserve it! If you were here, I would have punched you too!"

He said that if he died today, some people would feel sad about his departure. But if William were to die, people probably would say,"It's punishment from God."

He said,"You're still so young. How can you live with a man like that - with no integrity - for another fifty or sixty years?"

I kept quiet and listened to all these.

I just feel so dead inside me. No emotion stirred.

I'm a dead person.