Sunday, 25 July 2010

In Limbo

I'm in limbo - between staying and leaving.

I'm actually trying not to make any decision ... until perhaps the lawyer calls to make the next appointment.

I've approximately another 1 or 2 weeks to be in this state of uncertainty.

I look at Baby and I'm not sure.

I just woke up from a dream, or some dreams.

I dreamt of being old and living in a small flat, probably a three-room flat, and being neighbours with equally poor folks, but we're all helpful to one another.

I dreamt that my knee joints were painful when I got up from squating down to wash a milk-stained cloth that was used to clean up an orphan. And I walked with a limp towards a cabinet because of the pain in the knees. ... Scary.

I dreamt of myself arranging tables and chairs for a debate in school. There were 3 teams - Proposition, Opposition and Proposition! Is this a hint at how crappy schools are getting? Doing the unnecessary to create more work?

I'm kinda desperate. I actually posted my problem in a forum to see what responses I would get. I thought people would ask me to stay and give him another chance. Surprisingly, most people asked me to leave.

To qualify my post at the forum, I always try to be as objective as I can by posting up his flaws and merits, although his flaws are evidently, invariably more numerous than his merits. This is so that I can give people a better picture of what he's been doing to make up to ask me to stay.

Reasons listed by those who are for me to leave:

1) It's a loveless marriage.

2) I've already taken the first step, don't look back.

3) If he meant to change, he will change regardless of whether I stay or leave. If he changes despite my departure, then it's for the permanent and I can get back with him 5 years down the road (!!!). But the forummer didn't think that he will change.

4) I should give myself a new lease of life.

5) I should stop living in denial and think that he will ever change.

6) Life with him is miserable. Life alone will be better.

Reasons listed by those who are for me to stay:

1) He may change if I stay.

2) Gambling addicts can quit their addiction if they go through counselling.

After reading the thread I started, I told William once about point (3) above - that if he meant to change, he will change whether I stay or leave and we can be together again a few years down the road if he really does change. To which he replied,"I know you're not that sort of person who will get back with me if you ever break away from me."

And he's right. When you've given up, you've given up. I don't believe in reunite-with-your-love-after-thousands-of-years kind of story. If I ever leave, it'll be a new chapter of a book.

... ...

I don't know how to end this post, after leaving it on for 45 minutes.

I guess it's also in limbo.


Soccer Mage said...

You should think more abt the factors that make u stay. "Gambling addicts can quit their addiction if they go through counselling." This does not mean all addicts can quit their addition with counselling. Plus, from what I read, gambling is only part of the problem. The other problems includes lying, stealing from you, etc, which logically can happen with or without gambling.

Rain said...

Thanks for offering your opinion despite my neverending grouses.

Part of the reason for leaving is also his character. I guess when bad things happen in a marriage, women are more likely to be the one who live in denial and hope that a change will happen.