Reasons to leave

In my frustration and tiredness after waiting for students' parents to pick them up after the NDP Preview Show last night, I revealed to William that I was proceeding with the divorce, despite his plea.

I waited for my sister who mentioned she would pick me up at approximately 10pm in vain. When I called her at 10.15pm, she was still not ready to set off yet. The unbalanced feelings of being a teacher and had to work at graveyard hour in the school, being angry with parents who were impunctual at that kinda hour, being angry that my own husband doesn't have a car and thus I have to be subjected to this kinda treatment all added up at that moment.

And the only thing he could do was to sms me how Baby was behaving at that hour, when I was supposed to be home to be with my baby!

He has been giving me his money from giving tuition since a week ago, although I have no way to verify if those money is really all that he has, as he claims.

It is an effort to show that he really wants me to hold the pursestring and to get me to stay.

In my heart of hearts, I really do want a divorce.

Like I told him: if I am 30, 31, 32 or even 33, I will give you another chance. But these ages have passed, and I've given you so many chances. Now that I'm going on to 35, if I give you a chance, I'm denying myself a chance. And I just want a chance to start my life afresh, without you.

Another thing that's stopping me from giving him the 'last' chance is the fact that I had met up with the lawyer.

I don't want to cancel the whole thing with the lawyer and run back to him half a year later, or two years, five years or worse, ten years down the road.

If I ever cancel the proceedings, I want to be sure that I'm here to stay for ever.

But knowing William, I really cannot be sure he is someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

In fact, I have more evidence pointing to him being someone not suitable to spend the rest of my life with. Actually, I have nil evidence supporting this 'last' chance.

One of my sisters was saying that William will stand to gain while I don't if I stay. I racked my brain to search for benefits of staying with William and found that it was true. And I know for sure I will stand to gain much if I divorce him. 'Gaining much' not in terms of monies, but on the spiritual and emotional levels.

To a large extent, the desire to get a divorce has elevated to that of something that is more spiritual - for the preservation or regaining of my dignity. From my previous relationship, I have realised that when a woman loves till she loses her dignity in a relationship, there's nothing that should hold a woman back from leaving. If a man truly loves you, he will preserve your dignity for you. He won't trample on your dignity and corner you by blackmailing you emotionally.

I ask him to let me think about the matter. Like I said, the only reason for me to stay is Baby, but even then, I am not sure if I should let Baby live in a confrontational condition constantly. William never fails to quarrel with me in front of the kids. In fact, he does not hesitate to fight with me in public, on the street, in shops, anywhere. That's another aspect I'm looking at for divorce. I'm sick and tired of quarrelling, and putting up free shows for others to watch. I'm not a quarrelsome or confrontational person, but he wouldn't let you off if you don't give a response. And if you show any sign of being intimidated, his volume would get louder so that more people get to hear it. So I've learnt to be 'unreasonable' and 'shrewish', which is totally not me! I'm sick and tired of putting on warfare armour when I really am a small woman.

Even holding the pursestring - I never want to do it. A husband is supposed to be the head, the leader of a household. I just want to be a small and submissive wife who listens and supports the husband. This is my wish. That's why I've never tailgate William or check on his activities to see if he's telling me the truth. I truly believe that a husband and wife relationship ought to be totally transparent and truthful. If not, what's the point of being husband and wife?

People tell me I ought to set conditions for William to follow so that he doesn't go back to his old ways. Inside me, I feel miserable. A marriage that has to have conditions listed down in order to tame the husband. What kinda of f-up marriage is that? I know many marriages are like that and the wives don't mind. In fact, some of them pride themselves on these conditions as a husband-taming instrument. It's not me, but if I were to stay, I have to put some conditions down, simply because I have nil trust in William.

That brings me to another point that I should leave this marriage: no trust.

I have no faith in William that he will keep his side of bargain for long. Simply because he has no inkling of what a 'promise' is about. He has no qualms about breaking a promise because a promise 'gives people unnecessary pressure' or 'they are made to be broken'. He has lied and gone back on all his promises too often. I have no reason to believe in him again.

Honestly, I hate to say this as a Christian, but I truly feel liberated by my decision to get a divorce. I feel that I have been shackled by the belief that Christians should not divorce, for too long. Is that truly what God wants for His children - no matter what your husband does, don't divorce? I can only tell myself to put aside all my holy beliefs about a marriage and Christianity so that I can hold my head up as a sane human being.