Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Strangers in being Better than Friends

What prompted me to blog about this is my grouse about not being able to blog as often as I would like.

Being an introspective person, I certainly have loads to blog about. But I don't have the luxury to blog as and when I like. I can't blog at work, not because I'm so lousy at multi-tasking that I can't blog while in school, but because I heard that the school tracks down every website and links the staff go to. A colleague was warned by the higher authorities when he was found to sell things on Ebay in the staffroom! Not so recently after I logged onto the web-based yahoo messenger, I realised that that particular website is being locked from my school laptop. It is considered as a 'malicious site'! Fortunately, Amjad has informed me of yet another web-based yahoo website. I call this '道高一尺,魔高一丈'.

I can't blog when William stands just beside me or hangs around in the house. It's like having someone standing behind you when you're making a diary entry, looking over your shoulder to see your inner thoughts.

I don't want my bosses to come to know about my blog since I have various grouses about my job, which I have freely expressed. And I'm not comfortable with the idea that they read my blog from that day forth. I'd probably stop blogging, or start from scratch with another blog address. Sometimes when I look at the amount of blog posts I've chalked up over the months and years, I really think it'll be a waste if I ever have to shut it down. I don't know how I would be able to save all these information and feelings as soft copies (!).

It's a strange feeling knowing that some strangers are reading your blog. I'm not sure how many people think like me, but I feel vulnerable sharing my inner thoughts with people I know. More often than not, people who are close to you could use what they know about you intimately to attack you when the relationship goes through a rough patch. We have a choice in what we want to share or keep secret, but it hurts doubly when your closed ones are using what you have chosen to divulge to them in a vicious way. On top of that, it makes you feel insipid to have opened your innermost self to someone who does not give a damn about how you feel just because it is a heated moment.

My favourite authoress has mentioned in one of her short prose collection that friends are for the purpose of despising. What she meant is: human beings have the tendency to compare themselves and their friends. When others compliment that your friend is excellent in something, you are tempted to say,"Is it? She wasn't like this when I first knew her." or something to that effect. Because we know our friends from a long time ago, we know much more about them and their history compared to our acquaintance, and we can easily use this knowledge to discredit them.

I remember when I was 15, I confessed to a close friend that I had 'tested' her several times to 'test' her character, half thinking naively that she would be happy that she'd stood the 'tests'. She got angry and bitter with me instead and ignored me for some time. It probably changed the way she looked at me and our friendship as well.

I had a close friend when I was at NIE. We hung out together in and out of school. Eventually, I thought she was close enough to be deemed a best friend during that time. I told her about my life story. I was sorely disappointed that she immediately viewed me with a different kind of look that sentenced me to a 'status' lower than her.

These hurting incidents taught me that most people, no matter how close you are, prefer strengths to weaknesses. So now, I don't share with people about my innermost thoughts unless I am sure I won't be bothered about how they look at me, rather than out of the closeness we share.

It sounds ironical that it's easier to be understood or accepted when you're total strangers. Strangers do not have any bearing on your life (most of the time) and they can't or can't be bothered to hurt you (most of the time). Strangers generally don't have fixed or preconceived expectations on you and thus it's easier for them to accept you in your initial, truest form, especially when you don't meet physically. First impression counts, and like what a friend said,"First impression lasts, unfortunately." But in a virtual world, the only first impression is the presentation of a blog, which can be deceiving. Most people are shallow, but not to the extent of staying at the level of a blog presentation.

Apart from being understood by perfect strangers, I have enjoyed reading the comments posted by them, although being a poor conversationist, I sometimes don't really know how to respond, or sometimes it just feels unnatural to respond after a long lapse. Such lack of response is also common to my style of chatting. Sometimes I keep quiet for so long the other party thought I am gone when it is really because I don't know what to say next.

I am not sure if this is an extension of how I was like when I was on the phone with boys when I was in my mid teens to early twenties . I didn't make an effort to say something when I didn't know what to say because I felt that they were the ones who should entertain me rather than me being hard on myself and trying too hard to reciprocate the chat. The reluctance to make an effort probably evolved into a 'disability' in making conversations work both ways even when it's hard. I've seen and read how other bloggers are able to comment back anytime, on anything. I thought that's admirable, especially when after reading some difficult-to-reply comments, I thought to myself,"Now, how is the blogger going to respond to this comment?" and the bloggers surprisingly reply in unexpected ways. Or I supposed any way would be 'unexpected' to me since I could not think of any decent reply to those comments.

Okay, I digress.

That about sums up why I am often a weekend blogger, just like how I am a weekend mum.

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